by J. Conrad
“Lost,” I repeated. “That was the word she used—not ‘dead’ or ‘killed?’”
Trystan nodded. “Yes.”
“So, you’re saying my mother was used as bait, because this Fae had an interest in my family? I don’t understand that, or why she would have tried to help us.”
“I don’t understand either,” Trystan said. “I only know that she did.”
“There is something odd about this. I can’t put my finger on it. When I was a child, I remember my mother telling me that her mother’s name was Eiriana, but I can’t help but wonder if she has some connection to this other Fae you mentioned. Do you think there is any possibility that Lysidia is the woman I know as Eiriana—the same person? Or perhaps they’re related in some way? Otherwise, why would she have cared so much?” I asked. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged my legs.
“I don’t know. But if your true maternal grandmother is Fae, whoever she is, you must realize that a Fae can shift and change form in ways that even my kind, the Draugosero, cannot. Fae can change from a human to a cloud of fog; into a bird or even into an inanimate object. In other words, they can appear however they please, as whomever they please. So, whether Eiriana and Lysidia are the same person, if Eiriana is a Fae and taking an interest in you, there’s a good chance she is your kin,” Trystan said.
I shook my head, shifting my legs so that I was sitting crossed-legged again. “My mother never told me anything about having Fae blood in our family. I can’t remember her mentioning magic at all. But then, I last saw her when I was six years old. Do you really think that ‘lost’ means ‘killed?’” My chest swelled in a tight knot.
“I’m sorry, Elin, but that is a secret I don’t know. It was many years ago when she was taken. This is something you must discover for yourself.”
He stood up and extended his hand. The light was fading, but I could still see his muscular body in the faint glow of the forest sunset. I had always been taught to be ladylike and polite, but my eyes couldn’t help roaming up his stomach and chest before they met his face. With my cheeks catching fire again, I took his hand and stood up. Father would have a heart attack if he saw me now. Then again, Father believed I was crazy and had left me alone with a monster, so it didn’t much matter what he thought.
“We’ll go to the river and you can fill your waterskin again,” Trystan said. “It isn’t far, and we’ll be back to our den before nightfall.”
“Very well,” I said. My red face burned in a second wave of heat. Secretly, I hoped he would change back to his wolf form while he slept, if only so I wouldn’t feel so distracted and self-conscious. I followed along beside to him, caught in a rift between old memories, new understanding, and the embarrassment of walking alongside a handsome, young man in a loin cloth.
“What will happen if others of your pack see us?” I asked. Since we had arrived, I had seen no other wolf or human, only birds and small, woodland life.
Trystan paused, offering his words carefully when he replied. “I don’t want to give anyone the idea that we’re doing anything immoral.”
Of all the things for a naked wolf-man in the wilderness to worry about. “The Draugosero must value marriage and fidelity very much,” I said.
“Yes, though it especially depends on our role within the realm. As I mentioned earlier, my duties are weighing heavily upon me. At times I wish I could do as you’ve done and simply run away.”
I nodded. “Does your role have to do with the battle against the Calek?”
“Yes, although you must understand that the Draugosero don’t normally take sides in the same way humans or the Calek do. Our concern is with preserving the balance of the world—of Mori, which humans call Edim. We fight in both the physical world and the spirit world, for from the spirit world, knowledge and gifts may be obtained.”
I stepped onto a log which had fallen in the middle of the trail, making the short jump down to the other side. I think I understood what he meant, aside from the spirit world part. Preserving the balance of life wasn’t the same as trying to win a war. From the short time I’d spent with him, he had already shown a deep sense of right and wrong. That must be a part of their philosophy.
After getting water from the river, we made our way back to the den within the holly bushes. Inside it was so dark I could barely make out the walls. I squinted, reaching out my hand to make sure I wouldn’t scratch my face on a leaf or branch.
“I got you something else while I was out hunting today,” Trystan said. Whatever it was, I couldn’t see it and wondered if he was going to place it in my hand.
“Look,” he said.
Slowly, my eyes discerned a faint, golden light surrounded by the silhouette of his fingers. The light grew until I could see Trystan’s face, his orange eyes gazing at me and his smile as he saw my wonderment.
“It’s a river stone, blessed with light from a water spirit. It is a gift. Does it please you?” he asked. The inside of the den was illuminated such that it almost appeared to be day.
I exhaled, smiling as I reached out to touch its glowing surface. “Yes, very much. Thank you.”
“Keep it,” he said. “For if ever there comes a time when we’re not together, you will never be alone in darkness.”
Chapter 9
Istayed with Trystan for three moons, one quarter of a year. These months taught me more about life, and myself, than all the previous months combined. Staying on the outskirts of the wolves’ territory, we had managed to avoid being seen. Though I didn’t really understand Trystan’s reasoning, I didn’t know how other Draugosero would react to a human girl in their land. I wasn’t really afraid of them, but at the same time I was okay with playing it safe.
The night Trystan presented me with the river stone, I learned that he almost always slept as a wolf, as staying in the human form all the time was tiring. During the day he remained as a man, and he taught me how to survive. He taught me how to hunt with a bow and arrow, even how to craft those weapons myself, and we made them together. He taught me how to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, how to find water where there seemed to be none, how to track and kill animals and prepare them for consumption. He helped me improve my animal empathy so that I could more effectively communicate not only with larger living things, but reptiles, amphibians, insects, and even small creatures who dwelt in the lakes and the earth.
One day we sat beneath a willow tree near the river. With the winter weather starting, he had made a leather tunic and breeches and even a fur cloak for himself—ironic, really. I got the idea that clothes were foreign to him and he didn’t care for wearing them. Seeing him covered up was a relief, since I didn’t have to feel self-conscious about gawking at him.
I adjusted my own fur coat over my shoulders as I told Trystan, “A part of me wishes you could also teach me how to shapeshift. If my grandmother truly is a shapeshifter, it stands to reason the trait has been passed down to me. Of course, I’m by no means ungrateful for everything else you’ve taught me.” I smiled. I could have added that I still had no way of knowing whether Eiriana was who she claimed to be.
Trystan smiled back. “I too wish I could teach you that skill, for I would teach you how to shift into a wolf. But since I’m not Fae, I have no extensive knowledge of their shapeshifting abilities.” He shook his head. “It still concerns me that your mother told you so little of your grandmother. Granted, you were very young when you lost her.”
Bringing up my mother made me ask the question which was always on my mind. “If my mother is still alive, if the Calek didn’t kill her, where do you think they would have taken her?”
He ran his hand through his sandy brown hair, casting his eyes to the forest on the stream’s opposite bank. “That is hard to say. It was so many years ago. The Calek stronghold is in Aureos. That is likely where they keep prisoners. But they also have fortifications at Drindod and Foel. Elin, I hope you’re not considering venturing to one of these places to find her?�
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I shook my head, watching as a few brown leaves fluttered to the ground like butterflies in the winter wind. “I don’t know what I’m considering. I just can’t help but wonder. We had a funeral for a woman we never saw dead. My Father wouldn’t listen to reason—he said I was the crazy one. How can I put such a thing to rest in my mind?”
“Your father was probably bewitched the day your family was attacked. I know they injured him, but the Calek most likely placed a spell on him as well. They have ways of making even the wisest believe their lies,” Trystan said.
“But truly? Could they make a man accept the death of his wife without proof?” I asked.
“Yes, Elin, even that,” he said.
I shook my head.
“I hope one day you will find solace,” Trystan said.
“As do I.” I picked up a small twig and began rolling it between my fingers. “Trystan, I have something else to ask. Something you might find strange. I don’t want to offend you.”
“It is hard to offend a wolf,” he said, flashing me a smile full of white teeth. In this light, I could make out a small dimple on his cheek. The time spent outdoors in his human form had given his skin a warmer, more natural color.
“Well then,” I said. I shifted my weight, though I wasn’t physically uncomfortable. “The day I ran away from home and I saw you in the clearing, you mentioned that you had been seeing me in your dreams ever since our time together—those days so long ago when we were young. Tell me, what does it mean?”
Trystan looked thoughtfully at his lap. “I don’t know what it means. I only know of the fact of our bond. You’re the first, and only, human I’ve ever met who could speak to me in my wolf form as naturally as if you were a wolf yourself. Perhaps it was that. Perhaps it was the way you spoke with such ease to my mother, and didn’t show fear or revulsion at her, as some people would. But while we were together that brief time as pups, I felt a bond I couldn’t explain. After you had gone, I often wondered what had become of you. I sometimes imagined us going on adventures together. As I grew older, I imagined us as more. I wondered what you looked like as a young woman. And now you’re here. You are beautiful, you have gifts, and you’re here with me.”
My lips twitched, but I couldn’t make them say anything. It almost sounded as though he were talking about love. This was something I knew practically nothing about, save for whatever love I had for Father, which didn’t seem like much. I must love Mother because I had never forgotten her. But romantic love, or bonding with someone in the intimate way he described, felt foreign to me.
“Thank you,” I said. “I feel… a bond as well, but I don’t know how to describe it.” I broke the little twig I had been fiddling with and let the smaller piece drop.
Trystan scooted closer to me and wrapped his arm around my waist. “Elin, from the little I already knew of humans and from the short time I’ve spent with you, I’ve gathered that pair-bonding must be a complicated subject,” he said. “In my world, relationships are simpler. Wolves bond with one another easily.”
I turned slightly, my cheek dangerously close to his. “Has a wolf ever bonded with a human? Pair-bonded, as you say?”
“Yes,” he said. “In fact, my kind must breed only with humans or pure wolves. We can’t mate with other Draugosero. The result will be a deformed litter, and this is forbidden.”
I turned to look at him, pulling out of his embrace only slightly. “I had no idea. So, this must mean your father is human? Do you know him?”
Trystan frowned, and he took his arm from behind my waist, using his hand to push himself up. He brushed off the back of his leather breeches with his hands. “I… know of him, but I’ve never met him. Soon I will, however. My mother has arranged a meeting.” He squinted, looking off at the sunlight playing upon the ripples in the stream.
My back, and my whole body for that matter, felt cold. I could feel the cool air getting into every space between the threads of my garments. This was the first time I had ever felt that something I said upset him. Or maybe it was that he had grievances with his own father the way I did with mine.
“I understand,” I said.
“No Elin, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you don’t understand. My life is not my own. Tomorrow I must leave, and I doubt I’ll return to Dunkrist, which is my home, for a very long time, if ever. I was hoping that—” He shook his head.
I stood up, trying to find his eyes which he had lowered and was presently hiding from me. “You were hoping what, Trystan?” I placed my hand on his arm. He had helped me with so many things that it was only fair I try to help with whatever was bothering him.
He turned his head and wouldn’t meet my gaze. “These are selfish things that I desire.”
“I have selfish desires as well. I ran away from home, remember?” I offered a conservative smile.
Trystan sighed, and he finally raised his chin and looked at me. Worry creases lined his forehead. “Elin, I was hoping you would have chosen to pair-bond by now. If you had done so—or were still to do so—it would make me ineligible for the role my mother has planned for me.”
A dipping sensation plunged all the way from my chest to the bottom of my stomach. I frowned. “But I thought you didn’t want to do anything your pack would consider immoral.”
“I didn’t want them to know I was doing anything immoral—or suspect that I was. But this is different. It’s hard to explain,” he said.
I paused. I definitely didn’t understand. “What?”
“Yes. I was hoping you would’ve chosen to mate with me by now. If we were to do that, it would ruin me for the position my mother wants me to fill—because of the ritual. I have to be unmated before the Damsing Ritual, before I go to meet my father and assume my role.”
I stepped back, stumbling where the land sloped. Getting my footing, I stared at him, wishing I had somehow heard him incorrectly. My ears burned, and my mouth hung open for a few seconds before I could speak.
“What is the Damsing Ritual?” I asked.
“It is a rite of passage for a Draugosero who needs to remain in his human form for long periods. You see, there will be times when it won’t do for me to shift into a wolf when I hunt, or am angry, or need to sleep. I’ll still possess the ability to change and can do so at will. But I won’t have the same need as I do now. The Damsing Ritual will also allow me to use abilities as a human that I would normally only have as a Rai. A Rai is more powerful, but I will be able to draw upon some of that strength as a man. It’s something I must do to carry out my duty. But I don’t want it, Elin.”
I felt another twinge of protest swell within my chest. “You’re only now revealing this to me, on the eve of your departure—which you’ve also only now revealed to me?”
“I didn’t think you would understand. Humans and wolves are different,” he said.
“But I thought you felt a bond with me.” My voice had a wounded squeak I didn’t like. I gritted my teeth, swallowing.
“I do, Elin. I do. All of that is true. It’s just that I hoped—”
“You hoped we would mate so you could get out of your duty?” I shook my head.
“Elin, I could have mated with anyone,” he said, forming the next word with his lips, but I cut him off.
“Oh, certainly. I see there are many humans and wolves around here from which to choose.” I swept my hand out in an exaggerated gesture at the empty wilderness.
“But I was hoping to pair with you. I’d been longing to meet you one day, hoping that you might feel the same way as I do. And yes, I do want to leave duty behind, to live my own life, but I wanted to do it with you.” He peered down at me with wide, tear-filled eyes beneath his stricken brow.
“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” I asked.
“I wanted to, even though our being together is not part of my destiny. But tell me, if I’d done so, if I’d told you of this three moons ago, would your reaction have been any different than it is now?” His star
e seemed to swallow me up, holding me in place.
I exhaled, shaking my head again. I looked away. “I think it’s time for me to go.”
“Elin! Where will you go?” he asked, and the way he blinked and softened his gaze made it seem like he was actually worried about me.
“What does it matter? You said you’re leaving tomorrow. I can either be alone in the den or be alone somewhere else. You had no plan for me? You were just going to leave me here while you go on some—some—assignment? Unless I mate with you, so you can get out of it?” I clenched my fists, trembling from the strange pain I felt. My words were unfair. He didn’t owe me anything.
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I don’t have to leave. If we are pair-bonded, I’m unworthy of the task before me, and my mother will have no choice but to choose another male of my line for the task.”
“And here is what I’m trying to tell you,” I said. A tear slid down my cheek, but I didn’t bother to wipe it. “I will never know, will I? There is absolutely no way to know if you truly want to be with me, or if I just showed up at the right time. How perfect!” My breath was coming out in little gasps.
“Elin, you just have to trust me. Don’t you trust me at all? After all the time we’ve spent together? I’ve never lied to you. I am happy to sit with you many hours and tell you other things about my burden—things I’ve sworn to the Wolf Queen not to reveal,” he said. He extended his hand, trying to reach for my arm, but I backed away. “Elin, please—”
“I’m leaving,” I said. “Good luck tomorrow.”