“I get to tell my family, remember?”
Grace rejected the word instantly. She meant Marco. Grace was nothing to Claudia; and never would be.
“Tell me what?”
Marco too seemed to make the distinction between ‘us’ and ‘me’. Grace swallowed the bitterness. She was numb to that hurt.
“We’re adopting!”
“What?” Marco’s eyes flew to Will’s, searching for an explanation.
“We went through the application a year ago,” Will said ruefully. “We never had much hope – it’s very competitive. But we just heard.”
“We never even thought…” Claudia blinked away tears. “We never thought this would happen!”
Grace’s swelling of emotion was real and she found herself wishing she knew them better, so that she could properly express her excitement. Instead, she contented herself with a vague smile of congratulations and left it to Marco to be rapturous and thrilled.
“Oh, Claudia! That’s wonderful. You must be so happy.” He released Grace’s hand for a moment, and she flexed her fingers behind her back as if she could remove the warmth his touch had massaged over her flesh. Marco wrapped his sister into a bear hug, then Will, and Grace stood by, the same smile etched on her face even as her heart felt strangely heavy.
“I’m so happy for you guys. Tell us everything.” And he was back, his hand taking Grace’s, squeezing it, and when he looked down at her, his smile was so mesmerizing in its intensity that her heart blew wide open.
Hadn’t she just been wishing he’d look at her like that again?
She blinked away without reacting, focusing her attention on Will.
“Well, her name’s Esme and she’s almost one.”
“Oh!” Grace interjected. “She and Ben will be so close in age. How lovely for them. Little cousins.”
“Yes, that’s what we thought,” Will grinned. “Cousins. Who would have thought, huh?”
Claudia moved towards the table, taking a seat opposite the view, staring out at it and shaking her head. “Not me. Six months ago, I didn’t know about either child, and now I am filled with love for both.”
As if on cue, Ben appeared, Emma just behind. “Da!” He squealed, toddling straight up to Will and holding out a hand for a high five. Will laughed and did as he’d been asked, pressing his hand into the toddler’s.
Ben clapped his hands together in delight and then ran towards Grace, wrapping his arms around her legs with such strength she almost fell backwards.
“Hello, little love,” she bent down and scooped him up, pleased to have her hand back to herself again. She propped him on her hip, placing him neatly between herself and Marco, and listened as Will and Claudia elaborated on every detail they had of their daughter, and then went back to the beginning and started again.
“I think this calls for champagne,” Marco grinned.
“You stay here; I’ll get it.” Emma turned and moved towards the door.
“I’ll give you a hand.” Grace passed Ben to Marco without meeting his eyes, relieved to have an excuse that took her inside. But it was only a moment’s work to fetch glasses and a bottle of bubbles.
“Prosecco,” Emma announced as they returned to the balcony. Grace was behind her, and Marco noted as she stepped onto the terrace that she had the same head tilt employed that she used whenever she was thinking something she didn’t want him to fathom. She placed five flutes on the table but Emma shook her head.
“I’m going to take Ben to the park. We’ve made a little friend we meet at this time every day.”
“It’s late,” Claudia said with a frown.
“We don’t stay long. A quick run around at this time gets him hungry for dinner and tired enough to sleep.” Emma extended her hands and took Ben from Marco. The little boy snuggled his head onto Emma’s shoulder.
“You were so lucky to find her,” Claudia said with a shake of her head. “She adores him.”
“My son is very lovable,” Marco pointed out, unfurling the foil top of the champagne with a grin that made Grace’s heart thump. His eyes locked to Grace’s. “Just like his mommy.”
She smiled because it was expected but his words did nothing to brighten her mood. If anything, they only emphasized the chasm between what they meant to each other and what they were pretending to be.
Claudia said nothing, simply looked from her brother to future sister-in-law, her lips pursed.
“Have you set a date yet?” Will asked as Marco popped the top off the champagne.
“No. We were going to discuss it tonight,” he kept his eyes pinned to Grace’s. She wanted to hold his gaze but she couldn’t. She looked down at Will instead.
“There’s no rush.” The words were thick. She cleared her throat.
“Speak for yourself,” Marco murmured. “I can’t wait to make it official.”
“Will you wait until Esme is here?” Claudia prompted. “She can be a flower girl!”
“Oh.” Grace shook her head before remembering she was supposed to be an ebulliently happy bride-to-be. “We were thinking something very small. Probably just us.”
“What?” Claudia crinkled her face up in surprise. “But why? How many times do you get married? Why not make a fuss?”
“It’s my second wedding,” Grace pointed out softly. “And given that I only buried my husband seven months ago, a huge affair doesn’t seem appropriate.”
Chastened, Claudia nodded. “I forgot. I’m sorry.”
Grace had no interest in making the other woman suffer. “It’s fine. But I think we’ll keep it quiet.”
Marco reached for the champagne flutes and began to pour. “This is your celebration though,” he said, his eyes clashing with Grace’s briefly before moving on to Claudia and Will. “Tell us more about Esme.”
He smiled as he straightened and passed a champagne flute to Grace. She took it without sipping. The last time she’d had alcohol in Marco’s presence she’d forgotten all of her defensive barriers and had told him she was in love with him. She would never let her guard down again.
Claudia and Will talked endlessly, repeating every fact they knew about their baby, the parents, anything they could think of. Grace sat, cradling her champagne, not drinking, not speaking, simply listening. She watched the couple, so obviously in love and over-the-moon about this news, as they spoke freely and happily and she imagined what it must feel like to live within that glow of warmth.
Finally, when the bottle was finished, Will stood. “We’ll leave you to it. We’re meeting up with my father for dinner to tell him.”
“Wonderful.” Marco stood, clapping a hand against Will’s back and hugging Claudia. “I’m thrilled for you both.”
Belatedly, Grace stood and nodded, adding her congratulations to Marco’s. She waited on the terrace as Marco walked them out, and now she did have a sip of champagne. She moved towards the edge of the terrace, leaning over it and smiled wistfully, remembering the last time she’d done this. The conversation she’d overheard. The words that had condemned her even when she hadn’t been the intended audience.
Any hope she’d cherished that perhaps he was making her pay for her secrecy had evaporated. He’d spoken honestly to Will and hopes of any real relationship for them had evaporated.
She was still propped against the railing, staring out at the night-scape as it settled over Rome, when Marco returned. He came to stand beside her without touching her. Grace’s lips twisted in a lopsided recognition of that fact.
More pretense.
“Are you hungry?” The question was quietly spoken. She shook her head, not moving from where she stood.
“Me neither.” He expelled a sigh. “Grace? We have to talk.”
She tilted her head to face him slowly, her eyes huge in her face. “Why?”
His gaze ran over her face, finding the features that were imprinted on his soul. He stared at her, and time seemed to shift gradually beyond her recognition. She held her breath, ever
y cell of her body attuned to his.
He focused his attention on Rome, staring straight ahead, his face held taut. Was he not going to speak?
“Us getting married … It was a terrible idea.” He swallowed, the column of his throat moving visibly. “I’m sorry.”
Grace held the railing, but it didn’t stop the feeling that she was falling to the ground. She stared at Rome, her heart crumbling into tiny pieces.
“I see.”
He shook his head slightly. “I was so angry when I found out about Ben, I wasn’t thinking. We can work out a better way to raise him together.”
Grace bit down on her lower lip, refusing to cry, refusing to feel. This was what she deserved, wasn’t it? The only man she’d ever really loved was putting an end to it. Had she really expected any different?
Did she deserve any better?
“Okay.” She reached for the ring on her finger and circled it loose. It came away easily; she took that as a sign. She gripped it between two fingers and lifted it out to him.
He took it, his eyes meeting hers with a silent challenge, then slid it into his pocket.
“The thing is,” he looked at her now. “You were right about this, us. Me.” His smile was filled with self-loathing. “You told me you were afraid of me. Of what I could do to you. And I never understood that until now; until I saw for myself what I have done to you.”
“You didn’t do this. I did.” The admission was coated with her regrets; her voice was tiny.
He spoke with urgency and desperation, an earnest need to share. “I have a friend who lost her mother to cancer a few years back. She refused to see her husband’s parents while her mother was ill. She felt like it was a sort of betrayal, and she wouldn’t even let them come to the funeral.”
Grace blinked in confusion at the random change of conversation. “I’m sorry.”
But Marco continued as though she hadn’t spoken. “Obviously that’s crazy. She was making decisions based on emotion. But she was scared and grieving and sometimes, that’s what we do.” He still didn’t look at Grace. “Your childhood was traumatic, then you met someone who swept in and fixed everything up for you. How could you make a rational decision? How could you even know what you wanted? How you felt?”
Grace’s stomach contracted at his words, at the promise that maybe he understood her ambivalence and uncertainty. But it evaporated as swiftly as it had risen within her. “I should have known better than to keep your child from you.”
“I went out of my way to give you the impression that I was over you. I was so angry that you’d left me, I never stopped to look at why. What I’d done wrong.” Now, finally, he turned, and he cupped her cheeks, tilting her face up to his. She saw the fierce, rolling emotions drawing his eyes together and tightening his lips. “I’d never loved a woman before. Before I met you, I was perfectly happy sleeping with whoever took my fancy.” His smile was wry. “I couldn’t believe you didn’t love me back. That night you came here was so perfect … and then you told me about Steve. I was the one who reacted emotionally. I should have put my cards on the table then, told you how I felt, and instead I acted like a spoiled child.”
Grace swallowed, pulling her face away. “It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. You’ll never be able to forgive me for what I did. I know that, and I get it. I’d feel the same. If someone had kept my own child from me… heaven help them.”
“I wish it had been different,” he said gently. “I wish you’d trusted me enough to tell me. But I can imagine how scared you were when you discovered you were pregnant, and I do understand why you decided to trust Steve instead of me.” The words were unpalatable in his mouth, but they needed to be spoken. “I should have been honest with you back then, too.”
“What weren’t you honest about?” She pushed.
“I fell in love with you, Grace. So hard. And after you left, I was broken. I kept telling myself I’d get over you. But I didn’t. I spent two years wanting you, needing you. And only you.”
“I’m sure you had ways to distract yourself,” she said with a roll of her eyes.
“No.” He padded his thumb over her lip, his smile so sweetly distracting that her heart turned. “Why do you think I undressed you within minutes of seeing you again. For two years I’d fantasised about being with you. Only you.”
“You actually expect me to believe there was no one else for you?”
“It’s the truth. I loved you, Grace. Why would I look for someone else when I knew no one would ever match what I felt for you?”
Grace swallowed, his words strange and pointy in her mind. She couldn’t quite believe them to be true.
“I was so angry with you,” he said with a shake of his head. “But really, I was angry at myself. I’d been arrogant and I’d lost you because of it. I should never have let you leave Rome.”
“You couldn’t have kept me here against my will,” she pointed out stiltedly.
“You wanted to be here, though. Didn’t you?”
Grace pulled her face out of his hands, her breathing uneven. She stared out at the city and shook her head. “I can’t explain how I felt about Steve. I owed him so much. I don’t know if I could have stayed here and been happy. I never wanted to let him down.”
“I know that. And Grace? That’s okay, too. It’s okay that you loved him, that you love me. Life isn’t perfect black and white lines of order and ease.”
Tears tipped out of her eyes, smudging down her cheeks. “I loved him, but it was never like this.”
“Grace, I want to marry you, but not now, not because of Ben, not because of anything other than us. I don’t deserve to marry you yet, so I’m not even going to propose.” She turned her face to his again and he locked his eyes to hers as though a magnet was holding them there. “I don’t deserve you. I’ve taken everything I love about you and crumpled it up. I have crumpled you. I have been so angry, I didn’t realize … I didn’t stop to see that you were right. Right to be afraid of me and how darkly I want to love you. You were grieving your husband’s death, already weakened by that grief, and I pushed you. I have pushed and pushed and pushed and you have wilted before my eyes, and still I pushed. I am the monster here. The mistakes are mine, and I don’t have anything like your justification. I thought … I thought that if I couldn’t have you, if you wouldn’t love me, I would use the fact that you want me to keep you here.”
How could she ignore the effect of his words? Only with great, great difficulty. “I don’t believe you.” She shook her head softly, the statement just a whisper. Yet it resonated around the terrace as though she’d shouted it.
“Of course you don’t,” he agreed, pulling her into his arms and bringing her against his body. “Of course you don’t.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “Everyone who should have loved you properly has let you down, myself included. Grace, I don’t want to let you down anymore. Let me try to fix this.” He held her to his chest, wrapping her in a hug. “Let me show you that I mean this. That I’m being honest. Let me show you how I feel.”
Grace dipped her head forward, so that her brow connected with his chest, and she breathed him in, long and deep, inhaling his masculinity and doubts.
“Why are you saying this?”
“Because it’s true. Because I love you as much now as I did then. More. More because I know so much more about you, because I’ve known life without you and I can’t do it again. I was a fool to lose you once. I won’t do it again.” He kissed the top of her head and warmth travelled all the way down her spine, to the tips of her toes.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered, pain in the words. “We both want what’s best for Ben.”
“But I’m losing you anyway,” he insisted. “I’ve watched you withdrawing from me, except when we are in bed together. But sex isn’t enough. I want all of you, Grace. Your heart, soul, secrets, stories. I want you.”
She shook her head against his chest, but could find no words to respond wit
h.
Marco continued unchecked. “We’ve already lost two years. I don’t want to lose any more time. Look at what happened to him. To Steve. Life offers so few guarantees on time… We need to get past this and start living again. Together. You, me, Ben. And Emma.” He laughed softly but Grace couldn’t.
She couldn’t process any of what he was saying.
“I know it’s going to take time for you to accept this. So just give me that. Give me time. Let me show you. Please, Grace. Please.”
“I heard what you said to Will,” she groaned.
“What did I say to Will?”
“That you wouldn’t be able to forgive me for taking Ben away from you. That you … that you wanted to do the same to me.”
He swore softly and nodded. “The thing is, I felt it at the time. God, I almost convinced myself I hated you, Grace. But I wasn’t thinking straight. I forgave you a long time ago; it’s me that I’m angry at. Watching your pain, seeing you pull away from me. God, I want to make you better.”
“No.” She shook away from him, fury in the word. “I’m so sick of being saved! I made this mess, and now I have to clean it up.”
Marco was surprised by her outburst, but he looked across at her, waiting for her to elaborate, knowing he would support her however she needed to be supported. Because that’s what he’d just promised her. He’d promised he’d show her his love, and he intended to start from that moment forward.
She rubbed her hands over the balustrade, her eyes focused on the city beneath them. “You don’t get to apologise, Marco. This was all my fault. The happiest I’ve ever been was when you were angry with me. When you hated me. When you made love to me like you hated me.” She swept her eyes shut. “Because I deserved that, and finally, I was getting what I deserved.”
“God.” Torment filled his soul. “It wasn’t like that. Passion is different to hate.”
“I liked that you hated me. I can make sense of that. Anything else is just another lie. Another fantasy. I’ve spent my whole adult life pretending to be something I’m not. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want you to pretend you care about me. I don’t want us to pretend we’re happy and in love. I like knowing where I stand with you.”
Billionaire Baby Daddies: A five-book anthology Page 48