"Adrian! What. Is. Wrong?"
He looked at me, then he looked at the door, then at me, and then at the floor. I understood right then that it was something he couldn't risk Mom hearing. So, I closed the door.
"So?"
"What was John talking with you about after lunch?"
"Um, he was asking if he could take me on a date," I replied simply.
I saw his fists clenching and unclenching, and his whole face became red with … anger?
"And how did you respond to that, Lily?"
"I said I had to ask Dad first. Why?"
"Do you think Dad will agree?"
"Yeah, I guess. I'm almost eighteen; it's about time he allows me to date."
"Oh! No. No. No," he said quickly. "Don't get your hopes up!"
"And what the heck is that supposed to mean?"
"It means Dad won't agree, so forget it, okay?"
"Well, you don't know that."
"Trust me, I know!"
"Adrian, you're being mean right now, all right?"
"Lily, you can't go out with some fucker. End of story!"
"It's not your freaking business, Adrian! I'm free to do what I want."
"Anything but that!"
"What the heck is your problem?"
"My problem is that I can't fucking see you with another guy. There I said it, happy now?" he yelled. His words shut me up on the spot. He was – jealous?
Why? What the heck is that even supposed to mean? That's not a brother feeling protective of his sister! That’s… No! I can't think of that.
"You can't freaking tell me what to do! Live with it!" I spat.
"Oh! Look at you, all tough, you scare me!" he said sarcastically. "You can't even say a fucking single curse word!"
My blood started boiling in my veins. He couldn't make fun of me! "Yes, I can, asshole!" I said angrily. "And don't you fucking dare intrude into my fucking life! Got it?"
I can't believe I just said that. Oh my God! I'm a dirty girl with a dirty mouth now!
His eyes widened at the sound of my new words in use. Good! He had to understand that my choices were none of his business. I wasn't his freaking slave! I marched through the bathroom into my room, leaving him gaping in the middle of his room.
The silent treatment was what I gave my family for a week. My dad wouldn't give me permission to go on dates with anybody. So I wasn't talking to him. My mom supported his decision. So I wasn't talking to her. My brother was all hallelujah that I still wasn't allowed to date. So I wasn't talking to him, either.
They could all kiss my butt. Well, Adrian couldn't. And, yuck! Dad, either. And sure as heck not Mom. Darn it. I hate my life!
He was spraying open-mouthed kisses all over my jaw line. It felt so good. I felt like I was dizzy. And when he touched the skin of my collarbone with his tongue, I almost had an orgasm right then and there.
I felt him, hard and hot, right on my center, rubbing himself into me, almost causing me to faint. It felt more than good. I moaned and moaned over and over again, maybe saying his name once or twice, encouraging him to do more, telling him exactly how good he made me feel. He touched my breast and ground himself into me one more time. I was so close, and I asked him to never stop. I told him I was going to come.
He ground his erection into my center harder. So freaking good!
Right before I finally had an orgasm, I woke up!
With the thought of how that wasn't fair, I sat up on my bed with a gasp. A man was standing just over my bed. Adrian!
Before I could ask him what the heck he was doing in my room staring at me, my eyes caught the answer to my unspoken question. He was standing with his peen in his hand. Stroking it from base to tip, and then all over again from tip to base, in a fast motion.
I watched him, watching me, still stroking his peen, and panting. Stop looking at his peen! Just freaking stop looking at his peen. But I looked at it. Actually I was too shocked to look away.
"I'm sorry. Oh fuck, I'm so sorry!" he breathed. Then all of the sudden he was – coming on my floor. I watched him as he ran out of my room through my bathroom door without saying a word.
What the heck just happened?! I stayed on my bed for few minutes, absorbing facts, and then I went to his room.
I found him sitting on his bed, his legs on the floor and his head buried in his hands. Hope he washed those hands. I wondered what he'd say this time!
Part of me wanted to yell at him and demand an explanation. Another part of me didn't want to embarrass him, knowing that he was probably feeling guilty.
Why does he do it if he knows he'll be all guilty right after? I'd never understand him.
"You're really just going to sit there and leave the mess you made in my room for me to clean up?"
His head shot up to look in my direction, but he didn't look me in the eye. Of course … back to that again.
Without a word, he stood up and passed where I was standing right in the bathroom doorway, took a towel and a washcloth and disappeared into my room.
I waited for him to finish, not knowing what my next words would or should be. When he got back to the bathroom, he dropped the towel into the basket, and said, "Done." Then he passed me without another word to go into his room.
I grabbed his arm, and stopped him. "So that's it? You won't even explain? Like nothing just happened?"
He looked at me, with sadness and a hint of guilt, but all of that was mixed with – anger? What the heck?
"What do you want me to say?" he spat. "I'm attracted to you and the lust I have for you is like a fucking speeding train, I can't stop it, and I can't fucking help it? At least I admit it. I'm not living in denial like some people."
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing, Lily, forget it, okay?" He shook his head, and shrugged his arm out of my hold. I just stood there trying to understand what he was saying.
"I'm sorry. Now, excuse me. I need to get some sleep." He closed the door right in my face.
I thought about it a lot. I tried to find a solution to this. I was trying to fix my brother so hard. I wished that he would just get back to normal. I wanted him to be all right. I found just one thing to do. And I thought he'd agree to it.
"Adrian, can we talk?"
He nodded. He hadn't spoken to me since that night. Hardly talking at all. Even our friends noticed It wasn't like before when he was all feeling guilty and acting so sweet to me and all – no, he was actually kind of mad at me. Me! Can you imagine?
"Uh, I wanted to ask you to do something. I think it'll make you – uh, feel better."
He folded his arms in front of his chest and gave me a questioning look. "I'm listening.”
"I think you only feel, uh, stressed, and uh, it's normal to feel like that; we are teenagers after all." I let out a small nervous laugh.
He just stared at me.
"Um… So, I was thinking that you need to stay busy doing something new and should try to … uh, release that stress. You'll get rid of it then just like that." I flicked my thumb and middle finger together to press my point.
"Oh! I see," he said. "And what would that be, Ms. Smith?"
Okay, now he's making fun of me, too. I took a deep breath and tried not to yell at him for talking to me like that, even if it was the thing I wanted to do the most.
"I, uh, I think you should start dating."
He stared at me, his eyes widening. "Is that so? You think I should date?"
"Yes."
"So you think I should 'stay busy'–" he made air quotes "– fucking?"
"Uh, it's not my business what you do. But … Uh …" I couldn't say anything; I didn't know why.
He chuckled dryly. "I think you're right. Yeah, I should do exactly that."
"So, you're going to … ask someone to go out with you?" Why did that make me nervous?
"Yeah, I'll do that. I'll ask some girl to go out with me. Tonight, actually."
"Oh! That … soon?"
"Why wait?
Call me whatever you like, but I do know some girls who have been dying for me to ask them out."
"Oh… Okay. Good luck." I gave him a small smile and walked to my room.
Why do I feel an unfamiliar ache in my heart knowing that he'll be with some girl tonight?
Why does it—hurt?
Am I jealous?
That night, I didn't know what to do. Should I stay in my bed and listen to those magnificent noises she was making, and maybe jerk off while I was at it? Or should I go in there and give her a hand? Fuck! I really wanted to do the latter!
Her moans grew louder, and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get in there and just fucking… Fuck, I don’t even know!
Without waiting for my thoughts to be sorted, I opened the door and went in there. She was lying on her back, her hands gripping her sheets for dear life. She was twisting and arching her back every now and then, and her moans made me want to cum right then and there.
She was sleeping… "Oh, Adrian!" And, she was dreaming about … me!
Fuck me! Fuck me backwards! Sideways! Just fucking fuck me!
Her thighs rubbed themselves together to create friction to ease the sweet ache she must have been feeling.
Oh, how much I want to do that for you, little sister.
I wanted to touch her, oh so very much. But I couldn't. I promised her. I just couldn't.
My legs had a mind of their own as I walked to her bed. I was just few inches away, and if I reached out just a little… I would touch her.
God! I can't! I can't! I can't! I fucking promised!
It didn't take long before I found myself jerking off right beside her bed. Her moans made me jerk even faster—from tip to base and base back to tip—and I couldn't keep my own moans from escaping my mouth.
I was so close when a loud moan made its way out of my lips and caused her to wake up. But I was too far gone to run from her room or to even put my dick back in my pants. "I'm sorry, oh fuck, I'm so sorry!" I said as came in several powerful bursts.
I watched her watching me with wide eyes and a terrified look on her face. When I was finished, I ran out of her room like a bat out of hell. I felt so bad when I settled down on the edge of my bed. I kept wondering why I had done that and why I couldn't control myself. Why was it so hard for me when it came to anything related to Lily's body … or her moans?
Why am I so fucked up like this? Just… Why?
As I was scrubbing the floor, so many thoughts kept on roaming through my head. Ten minutes hadn't passed since I came, and my mind already was filled with lustful thoughts about her. I didn't know if it was that soft, delicious strawberry smell that filled the air and my lungs before going straight to my dick, or the fact that what had just happened kept on repeating itself over and over and over again in my mind, that made me want her even more with every passing second.
God! I fucking want her, so much! I can't fucking control myself.
She was dreaming about me! She was fucking having a wet dream about me! Her moans! Fuck! Her moans! She was calling my name! My. Fucking. Name!
The way she was… Wait a minute! She was calling my name! My hands froze on the floor as the thought crawled around my brain. Her dreaming about me that way meant that she was thinking about me … that way!
She wants me too? My mind kept on going here and there. The memory of my head buried between her thighs, drinking her sweet nectar, made an appearance in my head, but it was more focused on her hands that kept pushing me in … not out.
Back then when it happened, I'd thought that I gave her no time to think before I finished the job. Why I didn't think that maybe she didn't push me away because she wanted it, too? Why didn't I think about the fact that she didn't feel 'oh so betrayed' until after she came?!
Then another memory flashed in my mind: the day when we kissed in the water. Yes! Actually, I said we.
I didn't just kiss her! We kissed! She fucking kissed me back! Why the fuck had I never thought about this fucking shit before?
My fucking sister lusted after me, too!
"What do you want me to say?" I spat. "I'm attracted to you and the lust I have for you is like a fucking speeding train, I can't stop it, and I can't fucking help it? At least I admit it. I'm not living in denial like some people." I was fucking mad; she was acting like there was nothing wrong with her at all. What the fuck was the matter with her? Why wouldn't she admit it?
"What do you mean?" she asked, apparently having no idea that she indeed wanted me, too.
Yes, I was fucking sorry I did what I just did. Yes, I was fucking feeling guilty about it, but give me a fucking break. I wasn't the only one who was lusting after the wrong person, here.
"Nothing, Lily, forget it, okay?" I shook my head, and shrugged my arm away to make her lose her hold on me. It was fucking distracting, and I was… Well, I was mad at her.
She just stood there with a gaping mouth, which made me think of nothing but that mouth wrapped around me and what would it feel like.
Fuck! I'm getting a hard-on … again!
"I'm sorry," I apologized. It was what she wanted to hear, and I needed some time to sort my thoughts together and see what I was going to do with tonight's revelation. "Now, excuse me. I need to get some sleep." I closed the door right in her face, knowing I had to do something about it.
Okay, so eventually, I didn't do anything about it whatsoever. I didn't know what to do. I mean, I couldn't just go to her and tell her, "Wake up, you want me too!" now could I?
After all, I was taking her dreams as my proof. Dreams. Not facts or realities. Maybe my first reasons were right after all; maybe I didn't give her an opportunity to do anything except to come when I was going down on her. Maybe she kissed me back out of habit…
Yeah, like she'd ever kissed anyone but you before—or after, for that matter.
Fuck… I didn't know. I really didn't know what I should do. So I just stayed silent; it was the best thing I could think to do.
"Adrian, you're awfully silent these days! It's not like you at all," Julia pointed out from Sean's lap. I just glared at her. Why the fuck does she care?
"Yes, Adrian, you are," Sandra said from Elliot's lap. I glared at her, too. What is their problem?
They looked fucking disgusting, the four of them. Why did they insist on dry humping each other right in the middle of the cafeteria?! Fuckers!
I glanced at Lily as we all sat at our lunch table. She looked away and busied herself with her food. I left the table without a word. I needed a smoke. It wasn't until I reached the playing field and sat on the green grass that I realized I was being followed. I didn't bother to turn around and see who it was. I didn't care. I took out a cigarette and lit it, mildly hoping it wasn't someone who could get me in trouble for smoking there.
"Care to share?" Ian asked from beside me. I gave it to him after taking a drag, without looking his way.
"Do you wanna tell me what's going on?" he asked as he handed me the cigarette back. I took another drag and replied with a small, "Nothing."
"Adrian, it can't be nothing; you can fool anyone else but not me. I've known you my whole life. There is something going on with you, and it's anything but nothing."
"I said it's nothing."
Ian huffed and lay back on the grass. "Okay, I'm gonna bug the shit out of you the rest of the day until you talk."
I knew Ian very well, and if he wanted to know something, he'd never stop trying until he figured it out.
I sighed.
"Spill the beans, Smith."
"It's about a girl!"
"Okay, you got me interested." He sat up and faced me, and I rolled my eyes at him.
"So, what about her? Who is she? How long? Spill!"
I didn't know what to tell him. No matter how strong our friendship was, I still couldn't tell him that that 'girl' was my sister. I could never say that. "I don't know, Ian …"
"Dude! You gotta tell me what is it, maybe I can help. I'm the expert here." He
winked, and I rolled my eyes at him again.
"I want this girl so much, and—God—she’s the last girl in the whole world I could ever have. I can't have her ever. Not in a million years. And, it's just so frustrating, Ian… I don't know what I can do to get her out of my mind."
"Who is she?"
"If you want me to continue this conversation, don't ask that again!"
"Hmm… Okay." He looked thoughtful for a second. "Why can't you have her? Is she taken? Oh, my God! Is it Julia? Sandra?"
"What? Hell no! They’re like sisters to me!"
Okay, maybe not like "sisters," since that kind of bond didn't stop me from lusting after mine. But, eh… What I mean is that I could never see them that way; they were off the list.
"Phew! That's good! You scared me there for a second, man." He shoved my shoulder playfully.
If you only knew…
"So? Does she want you, too? Has she done something to let you know she has feelings for you? Does she like you at least?"
"Ah! She likes me, all right. I know she wants me too, but it's just not right—we can't."
"Adrian, I'm really lost here. Why can't you be together? I mean, any girl in the world would love to be with you; you're smart and have the looks and all that shit. I'd do you if I was into men." He chuckled. I smiled at his stupid comment and shook my head.
"We just can't."
"Dude! Is that rumor about you true then?"
"What rumor?" I asked, confused.
"That you're gay? Is that why you haven't dated until now—even though half the girls in the school are drooling over your ass?"
I looked at him in shock and disbelief. Were they really saying that about me? They thought that I was gay?
A small smile formed on the corner of his lips, then he started laughing so hard, you'd think he was going to choke to death. "Dick," I muttered, throwing the butt of my cigarette as far away as I could.
"That's not healthy," Ian commented, and I flipped him off.
"Hey, the boys are coming, we'll finish this later, okay?" he said.
"Whatever."
"What are you talking about, assholes?" Sean asked as he sat down beside us on the grass along with Elliot.
Illicit Desires (The Illicit Series Book 1) Page 8