After a brief moment of silence Jenna says, "She's right. I should talk to Nate and you should talk to Jake right when we get back. That way we don't have to hide away or avoid them. I mean, freaking seriously! They were the ones in the wrong! Why are we the ones who are hiding? They should be ashamed of the way they treated us. And we should be the ones to tell them!" she exclaims raising her arm in the air like some sort of battle cry.
"We are women, hear us roar?" I reply with a small smile on my face.
"Damn fucking straight!" she affirms. "Oops, sorry for the language, Mon."
"Seriously?" Monica responds screwing up her face. "I'm in high school. I've heard way worse." There is a beat of silence before Jenna and I both start laughing at how offended Monica is. And soon Monica is laughing with us.
I hope Jenna talks to Nate right away. It really isn't like her to avoid something like this. It will make me feel much better about the situation if she is acting more like herself. But for me, I think I might need a few more days before I deal with this. I mean, would it really be different from how I've dealt with my relationship with Jake from the beginning.
We started after months of avoidance, maybe we should officially end after a week or so more of it.
***
We all fall asleep on my dad's living room floor and I have a restless night of sleep. But not because I am sleeping on a floor. I keep imagining all the possible interactions between me and Jake when I finally see him. We will have to see each other eventually. We live on the same floor across the hall from each other, and we work together. And I'm starting to remember the reasons why I didn't push harder for something with Jake in the beginning.
In one imagined scenario he pleads for forgiveness on his knees, begging for me to take him back after the most monumental mistake of his life while I look down at him with contempt and distrust. In another, he laughs in my face as I cry about how he told me he loved me while he was sleeping with Natalie the whole time we were together. One of the scenarios has him crying about how Natalie is pregnant with his child and he has to be with her so he can be a good dad. (That one is a little crazy.)
And in the one that breaks my heart completely, he tells me that he loves me, but that is just not enough. He doesn't apologize, or cry, or even look sorry. He just looks at me with a blank face like he is just as broken as I am.
Honestly, I am really hoping that I can avoid him for a few days. I know that it might not be the best way to deal with this, but everything that happened this last weekend was just too much. His grandma's stroke, the anniversary of my mom's death, and my relationship with Jake falling apart. And I think that the overwhelming amount of emotions that I have experienced concerning all the events of the weekend are just too much.
In fact, the way I woke up feeling this morning has confirmed that.
I feel defeated.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel... numb.
I have felt so much and I have felt it so deeply that my mind has shut myself off to feel anything else. I went through something similar after my parents told me about my mom's diagnosis that afternoon. I felt so sad, so lost, so devastated and then I just shut down. I completely closed myself off to feel anything. I would count to three, breathe, and move on. I went through the motions. I was the rock that my family needed, but while Dad was losing his sanity, I had lost my entire self. I was a robot. Going about my life and physically present in the world, but not really living. Not really present.
When Jenna wakes up that morning, she heads back to her parents. She's also going to drive back to school later today since we both have classes on Monday. When Monica wakes up, she moves up to her bedroom to sleep longer. When my dad wakes up he goes to the kitchen to make breakfast for us. When Chad wakes up he packs his car and heads back to San Diego because he has to be back on base by early afternoon. And me?
I don't actually completely wake up. I just start to go through the motions.
Sleepwalking through the day because to fully wake up and experience life right now is just too trying.
I spend the day with my dad helping him sand some of the new furniture he is working on out in the garage. We spend most of the day not talking and I could not be more thankful. I don't think I could muster up enough energy to have any sort of real conversation.
When it's time for me to leave and drive back to school, I say goodbye to Dad and Monica and load my small bag into my car. I give them an empty smile as I climb into my seat and wave. I can see the concern on both of their faces. Monica knows a little about what has been going on since she spent the night with Jenna and I. Dad must just assume my melancholy mood has to do with Mom because he taps his eye, then his heart, then points at me. It's something my Mom used to do.
When Chad got into junior high, he got embarrassed when Mom said 'I love you' to him in front of other people. So instead of saying it, she started doing this as a sign for it. It still embarrassed him, but it became a family thing. My family would do it in the stands at the football games when Chad would look our way. We would do it in the bleachers of Monica's softball games. And they would do it for me after I finished performing. I would look down into the audience, always the front row, and they would all be standing and telling me in our own what that they loved me.
I wipe a tear from my eye and smile sadly at my dad.
He squeezes Monica closer to his side and they both wave goodbye to me as I drive down the street and back to school.
The drive home is long. Well, it is actually fairly quick due to the lack of traffic. But it feels long. It is just me and my thoughts. I try to use the radio to silence everything in my mind, but it doesn't work. I don't cry and I don't get mad when I think about what awaits me when I get back to the dorm.
I just can't stop thinking.
I pull my car into a spot in the parking lot in front of the residence hall.
In this moment, the thought of being so close to Jake has me flooded with emotions. They start to attack my heart, chipping away at what little is left whole. They remind me of what Jake did, how he hurt me. How he destroyed me. They start to worm their way in to my mind, taking me out the blissful state of numbness I found when I woke up this morning. But they leave my soul alone. This is worse than anything, because my soul is still attached to Jake’s.
But I know the way back to numbness.
I breathe.
One. Two. Three.
I close my eyes.
And I'm at the beach.
Chapter 26
I left my dad's earlier than I planned, so I arrive back at school mid-afternoon instead of in the evening. After about ten minutes of mental preparation, I get out of the car and grab my bag. I've cleared my mind and now I am ready to head up to my room. I'm hoping that I don't run into Jake, but I am in the right state of mind if I do.
I climb the stairs to my floor and enter the hall. It's a Sunday afternoon, so it's normally pretty busy and loud, but I don't hear much noise. I walk to my room quickly hoping that I don't run into anyone. As I start to unlock my door, I hear a voice from down the hall.
My heart starts to speed when I recognize that it is Jake, but he sounds different. Rough. Tired. I can't make out what he is saying, but soon after he starts talking I hear many other voices start to chime in.
The floor meeting. I forgot we had a floor meeting today. I haven't missed one since I started as the RA. I can't believe I just forgot...
I start to hear voices moving down the hall towards the corner where my room is as I stand there. The meeting must have ended. I finish unlocking my door and rush inside closing it quietly so the people who were coming down the hall don't hear me.
I don't turn on my light. I don't make a noise. I don't want anyone to know I'm here.
I just go to my bed and lie down. I close my eyes for a minute and then open them and I just stare at the ceiling, listening to everyone walk by my room chatting as they make their way to the stairwell.
&nb
sp; Then I hear a knock at my door.
"Rachel?" It's that same broken voice I heard from down the hall. Jake. "Are you there? I saw your car in the parking lot, but I don't know if you’re in your room. I don't know what's going on. I didn't mean what I said to you. I just... I want to talk..." He pauses, and then one more, "Rachel?" before I hear him shuffle back to his room and close the door.
I go get my headphones and put them in, turning my music on so I don't have to hear him if he comes back. He sounds like his heart is broken. He sounds confused. He sounds lost.
But he shouldn't be feeling that way. He's the one who made the choice to cheat on me. He's the one who threw us away. Broken hearted. Confused. Lost. Those are my feelings. I mean... if I could feel anything right now.
***
I end up falling asleep with my music on and only wake up hours later because I have to use the bathroom. I take my headphones out of my ears and move near the door. I sit there for close to thirty minutes listening for any noise to indicate what is going on in the hall. All I hear is silence. So I stand up and open the door slowly, peering into the hallway before I walk out and towards the bathroom. I make it a quick trip.
When I turn the corner of the hall to go back to my room, I see Jake's door is cracked. I pause and consider going up to Jimmy's room to hang out, but I decide to suck it up. I slowly and quietly walk towards my room and unlock the door, but before I can open it, I feel Jake's hand close over mine around the door handle.
He sighs in relief as I flinch away, pulling my hand from underneath his. The hand that touched Natalie. The hand that squeezed my heart until there was nothing left but dust.
"You're okay," he says on an exhale, more to himself than to me.
I turn to face him as he puts his hands in his hair, pulling at the roots. I look at him, a blank expression on my face.
"I thought something happened to you. You weren't answering your phone. Nate tried calling Jenna too, but... I'm glad you're here," he says with a sad and nervous look on his face. He moves in to hug me, but I flinch away again.
His smile drops. "Can we talk?" I look up at him, taking in the dark circles under his red rimmed eyes, the scruff on his face, the wrinkled clothes.
"What is there to talk about?" I say monotone.
He looks confused, but changes his expression quickly and clears his throat. "Can we do this in one of our rooms?"
I shake my head. "Here is fine."
"Okay," he responds quietly, before moving a little closer and lowering his voice. "I was going through a lot with Grams and I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't mean what I said. I'm sorry. You are worth everything..." he finishes looking into my eyes. "I love you so much, I..."
I decide to interrupt him now. "Okay. Is that all?"
"What's wrong, Rachel? I know we had a fight and it was a shitty time to do it, but I just want to talk to you," he moves a little closer, but I step back.
"I just can't believe this. You are just going to act like it didn't happen?" I say, not sounding angry. Just tired.
"No. I told you I was sorry for the things I said. I'm so fucking sorry," he shakes his head.
"Are you sorry about Natalie too? Is that supposed to... what? Make things all better? A fucking apology?" My voice has gotten a little louder. The numb feeling is leaving my body as I look up into his eyes and the confusion there. I am starting to feel it all over again. All the devastation that hit me when I saw Natalie leaving his room.
"Natalie? What?"
"I saw her leaving your room that night Jake! I saw your grams in the hospital and then I came looking for you. I went to Jenna's room after she told me you were out with Nate, but I guess that was a lie because when I came back down here to go to sleep, I saw someone leaving your room. And it wasn't fucking Nate! It was Natalie!" I nearly yell at him, all the emotions that had hidden themselves earlier finally breaking free.
His face screws up and he looks even more confused than he did before. He grabs my hand and pulls me into his room. I fight him, trying to pull away, but once he gets me into his room, he moves in front of the door blocking my exit.
I stand there staring at him. Angry. Pissed. Fuming. Hurt.
He looks into my eyes making sure to get eye contact with me before talking. "I don't remember much of that night, but I certainly don't remember coming back here or seeing Natalie. I woke up at Nate's."
I growl at him. "Just because you don't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't fucking happen, Jake! I saw her leaving your room!"
"Rachel, that doesn't mean I was even here. She might have just been..." he starts, trying to reach for my hands.
"Been what? Throwing you a surprise party? Breaking in to steal your baseball cards? You were there! Your door was open. She came out of your room disheveled and looking more used than she normally does, and then you closed the door behind her Jake. You fucked her! Just fucking admit it!" I scream.
"But I didn't!" he says adamantly.
"You don't remember it!" I yell back.
He growls turning around to face the door, running his hands through his hair, before he laces them behind his neck and looks up at the ceiling.
After a moment he turns to look at me, his head hung low. "You're right," he replies, my breath hitching in my throat. "I don't remember everything, but Nate was with me. We stayed the night at his place. We were at Toby's and then we drove to Nate's. He didn't even drink. He knows everything that happened. He was with me all night!" he says. "Please. Believe me..."
"I want to..." I say my resolve breaking at the look on his face. I still love him so much. "But I know what I saw. You didn't call me. You didn't respond to any texts. I saw Natalie leaving your room when you say you weren't even here. Nothing makes sense..." I finish shaking my head.
"Rachel..." he says, seeing the weakness that is starting to fill me. He looks so sincere. He looks like he is telling the truth. But I saw her… I need to think. I need to be by myself. If I stay here with him, I won’t be able to think clearly.
"Please, Jake. If you love me at all, just let me leave. I want to be alone. I can't... It's too much," I say while trying to catch my breath through my crying.
"I do love you. So much," he replies, moving to the side. As I start to leave his room, he grabs my hand but I don't turn around. "Just promise me we will talk more. Tell me that we're not over..."
I take a breath, but I don't respond to him before I leave his room and walk across the hall to mine.
When I get to my room, I put my headphones in and lie on my bed, glad that I am feeling again and that the numbness is gone. Even though the feelings are heart wrenching, they are better than the emptiness that comes with being numb.
After hours spent lying in my bed I still can't figure out what actually happened with Jake and Natalie. It doesn't make sense that Jake could have gone back to Nate's if I saw him Natalie come out of his room. I saw her leave and the door close behind her. But I didn't see Jake... But who else would have been there with Natalie? Did he actually wake up at Nate's? Maybe he did, but he went there after he hooked up with Natalie in his room...
This is all driving me crazy. All the questions. All the maybes. All the doubt. I need the truth. I need to know what happened. What I saw and what Jake is saying happened just don't match. I need to talk to Jenna, but it's late and she is driving back here right now. Plus, she has her own mess going on at the moment with Nate.
My mind finally calms a bit when I decide to sleep on it. I don't have to make any decisions right now. I can talk to Jenna in the morning and maybe even Nate. Maybe they can both give me some insight. I just can't process everything on the few hours of sleep that I've had.
I close my eyes and hope that I can open them to some clarity.
***
I wake up the next morning feeling rested, but not any less confused and upset about the situation. I text Jenna hoping she is up and that I can come up and talk. She texts me back, saying that I can come up wheneve
r. I let her know that I'll go grab some coffee and bagels and then head up to her room.
I slip on my sandals and head down to the coffee stand right outside the dorm in my pajamas, a pair of sleep shorts and a tank top. I get our goodies and head back up to her room. She cracked the door open for me, so I knock, giving her warning before I open it. When I walk in, she's still snuggled in her bed under the covers. She peaks up at me as I walk in and smiles. "Good morning sunshine," she says as she sits up.
"Breakfast in bed?" I ask her as I hold out the bagel and coffee to her.
Her smile grows. "Ooo! Gimme gimme!" she exclaims reaching for my offering.
"You have quite a bit of energy this morning," I tell her as I sit down in her desk chair and sip my coffee.
"I think it is all the adrenaline. Nate texted me to see if he could come over and I told him it was fine. That we needed to talk. I'm just pumped to put him in his place over all this lying shit." And she looks pumped.
"Well I'm glad that you're going to talk to him today," I respond. "And I wanted to talk to you about all of that. I actually talked to Jake last night..."
"What!" she blurts out around a bite of bagel.
"Yeah..."
"And you didn't call me immediately?! What happened?"
"You were driving and it was late... I just..."
"It's fine. I understand," she says. "What I really care about is what he said."
"Well, he caught me as I was coming back from the bathroom and asked if we could talk. He apologized for what he said to me before he left for the hospital, but he didn't mention Natalie at all," I start to tell her.
"Aha! The if I don't mention it, it never happened. But it sounds like he still wants to be with you."
"Well, he does. Then I brought up Natalie while we were still standing out in the hall. I asked him if he was sorry about her. And Jenna, he looked totally confused. Like he had no idea why I would even bring her up. So he moved us to his room after I yelled at him about fucking her. Then he told me that he only remembered some of the things about that night, but he didn't remember coming back to the dorms or seeing her. He says he woke up at Nate's," I finish explaining sounding confused myself.
On The Floor (Second Story) Page 27