Aidan blushed, which was a rarity for her, and Vicky suppressed a deep throated giggle. It’s almost like he was there with us.
“All right, we’re making good progress. And now that you are both aware that this can happen, you will be more informed the next time it does, and there very well could be a next time. What you both need to do is talk it out right away. Don’t blame yourself, don’t blame each other, see it for what it is and talk it out…, so go ahead…, talk.” Kline set back in his chair, and folded his hands together and laid them on top of his pen and pad in his lap. He was going to wait for one of them to start talking, because he felt they needed to talk immediately to understand fully what he was saying.
Vicky jumped at the chance to tell Aidan what was going through her mind when she had the flashback, she wanted Aidan to see it from her eyes this time. “Aidan, I’m so sorry, but when you um, held me down, I got suddenly claustrophobic, and it’s like I wasn’t seeing you anymore, I was seeing…, Harold.”
Kline could see it written all over Aidan’s face, she did not understand what Vicky was trying to tell her. All she heard was that Vicky was seeing her as her father, and Kline could tell from the pain in her eyes that it was like a knife cutting deep into her heart. Kline had seen this in her before, and knowing Aidan like he did, he knew she was not perceiving what Vicky was trying to tell her, so he intervened, “Aidan, are you hearing her? She is not saying she saw you as your father, she’s saying she saw your father. To be honest, if it had been anyone else doing the same thing, she would still have had the flashback. It’s not ‘who’ was with her, it’s what they were doing that caused the recurrence. In this case, it was the two things that set off the PTSD, taking away her control during sex. Do you understand that, Aidan?”
“I’m trying to, Doc, but…, but what if…, I mean, I am his daughter you know?” Aidan ran her fingers through her short auburn hair. She just could not get the look of terror on Vicky’s face out of her mind and until she did, she wouldn’t be able to let it go.
“Aidan, look at me, sweetheart,” Vicky put her hand on Aidan’s arm, a simple touch that always warmed both of their hearts, “do you remember the last time we were in here? We made love right there on the floor after you asked me to marry you for the second time.” Vicky deliberately avoided looking at Dr. Kline, knowing this time she would blush for sure, and kept her focus on Aidan instead.
Aidan looked at the floor and smiled.
“And we have made love, fantastic, earth shattering love, several times since then. Don’t you see honey, it’s not you, and it’s not our love making. It is something I think we both need to understand and come to terms with, if we’re ever going to make love again, and honey, I love when you make love to me. You understand now, right, that it wasn’t your caress on my skin, or your kisses, or even your smell that caused me to see Harold. Please don’t misconstrue love with rape; they are two completely different things. I know you love me and I know you would never hurt me. I know this because I know your heart, Aidan. You are not your father and it angers me to hear you say that. It infuriates me that you would allow him to have that much control over your life.”
“Control? I would never‒‒”
“She’s right, Aidan. You’re not aware of it, but each time you question yourself like this you are letting your father manipulate you, as if he were sitting right there on your shoulder pulling the strings.”
Aidan’s eyes switched side to side as the realization sunk in. Fuck… me. Could they be right? Am I really so blind that I don’t see it? A lifetime of struggle because of him and it comes down to me giving him the power to control me still? “Well fuck that!” Aidan blurted out loudly.
Vicky clapped her hand on Aidan’s arm and squeezed it. She had watched her lover as she comprehended what she was trying to say to her, and when Aidan’s face melted into understanding, Vicky’s eyes glistened with grateful tears.
“Baby, I really do hear what you’re saying now, what you both are saying, and I think you’re right, if we keep talking and I become more sensitive to your needs than I know that we can work past this.”
Kline interposed his opinion, “That works both ways, Aidan. Vicky needs to learn what her triggers are and help you both to avoid them. Sometimes, as in what you two experienced last night, it’s like stepping on a land mine. You don’t know it’s there until it blows up in your face. The trick is to avoid the mines all together, by figuring out where they are buried, and dig them up and expose them to the light of day. But if you do hit a mine, you absolutely must stop whatever you’re doing and talk through it, before it has a chance to interfere with your lives. And no, it’s not that simple, it takes commitment and sacrifice on both your parts. Are you both willing to risk stepping on that land mine to be together?”
Vicky almost shouted, “Absolutely!”
Aidan agreed, “Without question!”
“Richard,” Vicky interlocked her fingers together, almost as if she were going to pray, and said, “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to convince this wonderful woman that she is not her father’s daughter in any way, shape or form.”
Kline responded before Aidan could say anything, “And if that means giving her even the smallest details of your rape, Vicky?”
“Yes, if she wants to hear it, I’m ready to talk about it now, but I think I would prefer we discuss it here with you, so that you can intercede when I mess things up.” Vicky said it with a smile. She felt it would be wise to seek Richard’s council not only because of the way Aidan perceived things, but of her own guilty feelings. She was afraid she might unintentionally project her own culpability onto Aidan, which would only compound the problem.
Dr. Kline replied, “While I don’t think you’ll mess things up Vicky, I do think it’s a very good idea for both of you to continue counseling, and I would be happy to see you both on a regular basis. However,” Kline felt he needed to lighten the mood with some humor, “I would like to get my clothes back in case you two need to uh, borrow them again,” he grinned knowingly.
When Aidan and Vicky made love in Kline’s office that one time, they were a little over zealous in that they ripped each other’s clothes off. With Kline knocking at the door they quickly found a suit he kept at the office and borrowed pieces of it to cover their own torn clothes. For them it was a sweet memory, and Kline was right, it lightened their mood.
Vicky said with a puckish grin, “Of course Richard, it’s at the dry cleaner’s as we speak.” Vicky elbowed Aidan and the three of them shared a laugh, allowing the tension to dissipate just a little.
Kline’s eyes twinkled perceptively when he said, “Thank you, my clothes are here for you both, whenever you need them again.” And then he turned his attention back to the main subject, “Aidan how do you feel about joining Vicky in these sessions?”
“I’m fine with it doc. I’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to her,”
“Damn it Aidan! I thought we just got past this. You have nothing to make up for!”
“Sorry baby, wrong choice of words. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re happy, because honestly, that’s all I want in life.”
“Okay, that’s much better, thank you. And for the record, what makes me happy is you, the strong, confident, funny, gorgeous you. And as you said, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re happy too.”
Aidan smiled at Vicky and both women began to relax, knowing that they had a better understanding of what it was going to take to make their relationship last. Aidan had years of self-deprecation thanks to her father, and it would take a lot of work on her part to get past that, but she was beginning to feel confident that with Vicky and Dr. Kline’s help, she would. Whatever it took to be with the woman she loved, she would do.
Kline even relaxed, knowing that these two would find their way through the land mines of life together and be stronger for it. “Very good,” he concluded, “Remember, like I said earlier, it’s important t
hat you two communicate about these things if you want this relationship to grow, as I’m sure you do. You will need that understanding and support if you go to trial, although it’s looking like that may not be necessary. Vicky, my nephew is a criminal lawyer and I spoke with him about your case. Don’t worry I didn’t tell him who you were, just the particulars and he thinks that the statute of limitations on your rape has been exceeded and you probably won’t be able to get a conviction on it.”
“That’s bullshit!” The very anger Aidan was afraid of was stirring in her belly again, “He can’t get away with rape and not be punished for it, I don’t care how long ago it happened. She was a minor for God’s sake!”
Kline agreed with everything Aidan said, but could only offer his support, “I understand how you feel, Aidan, and would advise that you both seek legal counsel if you want to pursue it. My nephew said he’d be happy to assist you as a favor to me. I can make that phone call if you like?”
“Wait, no, please, I don’t want to do this now.” Vicky put her hand to her forehead, trying to calm the stressful headache beginning to nag at her, “I don’t even know if I want to go to court. Can’t we put it to the side until after the wedding at least? Please?” Vicky was almost begging. The last thing she wanted to do so close to her wedding day was face her rapist again. Wasn’t it enough that he almost stopped the wedding yesterday, must he be present in their every thought, they’re every conversation too? It’s not that she was afraid of him, as she once had been, although she still didn’t want to be alone with him, but the mere mention of his name tarnished the joyful anticipation of her wedding day, and anticipation is half the fun. He was spoiling her fun.
Though Aidan had her own ideas of what Vicky should do, it was borne out of trying to protect her, “Absolutely baby, he’s in jail now, and he’s not going anywhere.”
Dr. Kline looked at them both and said, “I’d like to offer another option, if I may?” They both looked at him and he continued, “Aidan, if you will allow me, I’d like to speak with your father. Evaluate his mental status. He may not even be mentally fit to stand trial.”
“What good would that do, Doc?” Aidan asked, not seeing the point in talking to a man she already knew was crazy.
“If he is mentally compromised, you, as his only living relative, can petition the court to have him committed.”
“I don’t know, Doc. I think Vicky should have the last say in this. Can we put it off until after the wedding?”
“I can still visit with him, Aidan, and then after you get back from your honeymoon, we can meet and decide the next step based on my evaluation.”
Aidan looked at Vicky, who nodded her head, so then Aidan turned back to him and said, “Okay, Doc, knock yourself out.”
Chapter 4
The Night Before the Wedding…
Aidan and Vicky sat with Vicky’s parents, Leonard and Alice Montgomery, and Joyce and Ellen Olivier-McMillan, at their rehearsal dinner. Gathered around them were the bride attendants and the best man and groomsman. Ellen had put them through their paces at the rehearsal, although Aidan and Joyce tried to outdo the other with their shenanigans. Everyone was relaxed and enjoying themselves, especially when the music video began to play and a picture of Aidan dressed as Vicky and Vicky dressed as Aidan, came up. Granted they were eight and nine years old at the time, but their friend’s spontaneous ews and awes were contagious. They had dressed up for Halloween and at Vicky’s insistence, Aidan put on one of her dresses that was to small, and a blonde wig that was too big. Vicky’s mother liked to wear wigs sometimes, and Vicky took one of them and put it in pigtails and added a blue bow to it. Then she poked Aidan’s face with a magic marker too produce freckles, and smeared on to much rouge and lipstick to her face. The ensemble was completed with a pair of Alice’s high heel shoes. The look on Aidan’s nine year old face was that of utter revulsion.
For Vicky’s costume she tied back her hair and put on one of her mother’s short red wigs, her father’s nicest vest that came down to her knees and a pair of black jeans. She finished the outfit by wearing Aidan’s black Durango boots that practically fell off her feet when she walked.
Leonard snapped a picture of them right before Aidan caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Less than five minutes afterwards the dress, bow and high heels came flying off. But to pacify Vicky, she left the wig and freckles and went as a blonde hobo in her blue jeans and shirt.
“Hey, those freckles were put on with permanent ink you know!” Aidan laughed at her friends laughing at the picture, “It took me months to get them washed off.” For her part Vicky buried her head in her hands and giggled like she was eight years old again.
After the video finished, Alice stood up and clanked on her wine glass, “And now, in keeping with tradition, I’d like to give my daughter something old, to symbolize continuity.” Alice walked beside Vicky and lifted her hand, palm side up. “Vicky, this was your first rosary that I gave to you as a baby.” She placed the oversized wooden multi-colored string beads and single cross, in her hand, “You can still see the teeth marks you made on some of the beads when you were teething. I would love it if you would carry it with your bouquet, as a symbol of your love of God.” Though Alice didn’t disparage the nontraditional wedding, since in her eyes, it would also be a nontraditional marriage, she hope that Vicky’s Catholic faith would be present in the ceremony somehow.
“Oh Mom, this is wonderful. Thank you. I think it’s a great idea.”
Alice was very pleased, and kissed her daughter on the forehead before she sat back down.
Leonard stood up next and addressed Aidan, “I also want to give you something old, Aidan.” He handed her a small photo album, “I recently found all those pictures that you just saw in the video and a lot more of you and Vicky as children. I had forgotten how much I was into photography back then, with my little 3 megapixels digital camera.”
Aidan thumbed through the album pages, a glint in her eyes that could have easily turned into tears, if she would allow it. “This is great, Pop. I had forgotten about all those pictures you took of us back then. You know watching you with that camera is what spurred my interest in photography. Thank you so much.” She stood and held out her hand to shake his, but he pulled her into a father-daughter hug instead. Now that she had gotten to know Pop as a good man, she willingly returned his embrace.
Vicky didn’t mind her tears of gratefulness, but still brushed them aside as they fell. Looking at the pictures that she thought her mother had destroyed, made her realized that even though her mother had been terribly angry with Aidan for kissing her when they were preteens, she was not as vicious as Vicky had once thought she was. She thought she had forgiven her mother for keeping Aidan’s letters away from her , but the fact that her mother had saved the letters and the photographs all those years meant that somewhere deep down inside of her, Alice knew they were meant to be together. Vicky stood up and walked over to her mother, and hugged her for a very long time.
“What is it, honey?” Alice asked, becoming slightly concerned.
Vicky tilted her head towards her mother’s ear and whispered, “I forgive you, Mom, and I love you.” Both women took a moment to gather themselves, and then took their seats again.
“Okay, well I have the something new covered.” Vicky said. She stood up and handed Aidan a box made of felt. Aidan stood up next to her and opened the box. Inside it was a sleek, thin, black watch with a slate gray and black band. Vicky’s gift to Aidan was a James Bond type wristwatch with such gadgets on it as a video camera with night vision recording, an audio recorder, a camera for still pictures, an internal 4GB storage and a USB port for downloading. One of the things Aidan had left behind when she ran away as a youth was her James Bond wrist watch. She had won the watch at the county fair when they were kids, by shooting the bull’s-eye on a target, not once, but three times with a pellet rifle. The watch stopped keeping time six months after she had won it, but she still wore
it because she thought it looked cool on her arm.
Vicky knew that toy watch had been her prize possession even though it had barely kept time, and she hoped that this new one would replace it for her. The sentiment engraved on the back read simply ‘S.E.X’, a reference from their childhood when both were to shy to say the word. They spelled it out instead.
Vicky was able to purchase the sleek dark watch, at a reasonable cost, because she promised Aidan they wouldn’t spend too much money on their gifts. Neither one of them was able to keep that promise but at least they didn’t break the bank.
“This is so cool!” Aidan was unusually gleeful, as she took off her old watch, and strapped on the new one, holding up her wrist to admire it. “Thank you, baby. This is the perfect gift for me.”
Vicky leaned closed and whispered to her, “No nude pictures of me while I’m sleeping, understand?”
Aidan laughed, “Darn, you read my mind, kid.”
Aidan pulled a small, flat jewelry box from the back of her jean pocket. She opened the box and held it up to Vicky, who took the necklace out, and marveled at its beauty. Aidan’s gift to her was a gold necklace with a diamond encrusted heart shaped locket. The locket opened up, and inside were two pictures. One on the left side of the heart was a side profile of Aidan looking at Vicky, whose side profile picture was on the right side, looking at Aidan. In essence the two lovers were looking at each other, and dangling across the open heart was the word ‘always’.
“Oh, Aidan, it’s beautiful,” Vicky all but gushed, “I love it, and I love you.”
“That’s good, since we’re getting married tomorrow.” Aidan said, as she took the necklace from Vicky’s hands and walked behind her. Vicky scooped up her long blond hair, and held it to the side as Aidan threaded the necklace around her neck, latching it together. Vicky centered the heart locket over the cleft of her breasts, and brushed away another tear. I am so completely in love with you Aidan Cassidy.
Remember This Day Page 5