Cassia hesitated;
“What’s happening to me Javier? I feel…I want…please, I don’t know what’s happening.” Her voice was a whisper and he saw a tear trail slowly down her cheek as she stroked his hair with shaking hands.
“Take from me; my blood in you. That’s what you want. Please Cass.” he whispered urgently. Oh god, why was she waiting?
Cassia bent forward and nuzzled his neck, her sharp canines gently grazing up and down till she came to rest against his pulse. Javier’s spine arched as his head jacked back against the sofa; his eyes shut and his breath coming in short gasps. He should stop this now, he really should. Her name breathed out of his mouth in a low moan;
“Cass please…”
Then he cried out as she bit down hard into his jugular. He held her tightly as she paused with her hands tangled into his hair and sighed deeply and then there was the slow rhythmic dragging sensation as she took his blood. His blood in her.
It felt as though the whole world had receded and all that existed was the two of them locked together. Javier breathed in her frankincense scent as the warmth of her skin under his touch seemed to flow into his senses. Dreamily he held her close, feeling her mouth against him. Time seemed to slow down to the exquisite sensual rhythm; he never wanted to let her go, never wanted this to end. Cassia nestled closer, her body pressing against his and suddenly sweat bloomed over his skin. He’d forgotten; it had been so long, he’d forgotten. His breath grew choppy and he bit his own lip trying to stop the moan of pleasure from escaping out of him. Digging his right hand into the sofa he shifted her slightly away from him with his left arm; he couldn’t let her know how aroused he was.
He could control it, he had to. She had no idea about the effect she was having on him. She’d stop soon, he could hang on. Deliberately he tried to distract himself; algorithms, times tables, duty rosters. He gasped and screwed his eyes shut tightly as Cassia nuzzled in again and sucked harder. If pleasure could be torture, this was it.
When she finally disengaged and lifted her head his whole body was trembling with the sheer effort of keeping himself under control. Slowly he turned his head to look at her; at the dark drowsiness in her eyes, at her long black lashes fluttering as she forced herself to stay awake, her body soft and completely relaxed against his. He was balanced on a knife edge. He started to push her away but she stroked his cheek gently and then leaned in, her breath warm against his neck as she whispered;
“I’m letting you bleed. I’m sorry, let me…”
Her lips closed over the wounds in his neck and her tongue swept repeatedly over, sealing them, licking away the spilled blood.
It was the final straw that sent him right over the edge, his breath exploding out of him in a cry and his body arching back sharply as the orgasm tore through him. It kept going until he thought he’d pass clean out.
When things finally calmed down he was vaguely aware that he was being held in her arms; his head burrowed into her shoulder as his breathing returned to normal and a slow delicious lassitude spread through him. Quickly replaced by sweeping, overwhelming guilt. He should have remembered, he was the one with experience, not her. No, he was lying to himself again. He knew. He had wanted this with her.
“I’m so sorry Cass. My fault, I took advantage. I forgot what it could be like. I just couldn’t stop it…” he whispered, turning into her neck so he could breathe in the scent of her skin.
“Was it me?” she whispered back against his hair, her arms tightening round him.
“Was…sorry, I don’t understand.”
“Just now, when you held me, when you gave me your blood, when you... Was it me or were you with someone else in your head?”
Javier jerked back in shock. That she should think…well, why wouldn’t she think that? Wasn’t that what he had been doing ever since Charlotte died? Back at the Island they sometimes made jokes about the number of women he got through. About how he could turn on the seduction like a tap and they would fall into his arms and into his bed. And they did, yet, sad pathetic idiot that he was, in his head he had only ever been with one woman. Until Cassia. That was what made it so hard, made the guilt flood through him like a bitter tide.
“No. Only you Cassia. For the first time since…only you.” It was so important that she believed him.
Cassia gazed at him with deep blue eyes he could drown in;
“What’s happening between us Javier? Was Chronus right? Why won’t you let yourself?”
So she had overheard. Damn Chronus. How could he explain? What could he say? He couldn’t seem to find the right words to express the turmoil inside him. You are mine Cassia, please don’t go; I just don’t know how to find my way to you. Please hang around until I sort out the mess in my head; in my heart and, by the way, I have no idea how to do it or how long it will take. He had no right.
“I’m stuck Cass. Stuck in the past. I never let Charlotte go, never said goodbye. I never even completed the rites. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know what the next step is.”
That was no better, he sounded pathetic. Where was the alpha male now? Cassia sighed and held him closer, stroking the back of his neck;
“I don’t know what you want Javier. I’m not sure if you do. I won’t be anyone’s quick fling and I won’t be second best. Is this truth time? You asked me about lovers, well, the truth is I’ve only had three and they were Human. I’m clueless when it comes to you. You can laugh if you want; or did you see through me? When I give myself to someone Javier, I want him to be mine, only mine, no sharing and I want to be only his. I can’t compete with a woman you haven’t let go. I’m sorry but I can’t help you Javier; this is between you and her. Your blood runs in me, we have a bond now but I won’t be an also ran. I’d rather be alone.”
She kissed him gently on his forehead then pulled herself out of his arms; he could hardly bear the sadness in her eyes as she said formally;
“Best to remain just friends. Please tell me how to get back to the Island Javier, you must know you can trust me by now and I’d rather be by myself. Thank you, I owe you the blood debt.”
Javier wanted to ask her, beg her, not to leave him; instead he just gave her the co-ordinates to the Island then said quietly;
“There is no debt Cassia. I would give you my last drop if you needed it.”
“Don’t Javier, don’t make me hope for more than you may be able to give. It’s cruel. I’ll see you at breakfast. Set my alarm when you leave.” With those final words Cassia left and Javier watched until the last flurry of dark energy faded. She had gone and he felt raw, as if his skin had been peeled off.
He sat for more than an hour staring unseeingly at the wall. No, he had never said goodbye. There had been nothing left of that bright, vital woman who had been his lover, his confidante, his friend. The woman he was bound to through his very blood. The bond that only death could break. Javier started; the bond of blood had been broken violently but what could he do about the bond in his head?
Who could he talk to? Hera, yes, he would ask her what to do. She was his friend and she understood things about people’s emotions without even having to ask. Well, she would, she was an Empath. Most importantly, he trusted her completely. If anyone could help him sort out the jumbled mess in his head it would be her. Feeling as though he had decided on a small step forward he set Cassia’s alarm and shifted back to the Island.
He slept badly, plagued by dreams, finally giving up and rising hours before the rest of the household. At least his work was one area where he felt he knew what he was doing, Javier thought grimly as he sifted through all the latest reports and emails then headed out on a surprise inspection of Island security as soon as the sun dipped down. Consequently, when he arrived back at the chateau slightly late for breakfast his heart twisted as he saw that Beatriz was waiting for him patiently; sitting on the front door- step with her chin resting on one hand. He had been neglecting her.
“Papa, they’
re all in there already. I wanted us to go in together.” she jumped up and ran to him and he picked her up, swinging her round as they hugged each other. Beatriz giggled;
“You can’t carry me into breakfast, I’m too big and it is not dignified.” He noted however that she held on and hugged him tightly again, kissing his cheek. He was lucky, Javier thought, he was so lucky. Putting his daughter down he gave an old fashioned courtly bow and offered her his arm; Beatriz curtseyed impeccably and took it. This was his mother’s training, Javier thought as they proceeded regally into the noisy coffee scented breakfast room.
They were all there, all except Michael who controlled their operations in the Americas and spent most of his time in New York. As he and Beatriz were greeted cheerfully and helped themselves to breakfast Javier reflected that he was surrounded by families and couples. At one end of the table Max and Katie were having an in-depth discussion with their children about rationing TV time. Further along, Luca was sharing a joke with little Francesco. It was good seeing them laugh, Luca and his son had been through a lot in recent months. LaSalle and Ysabeau were exchanging worried looks over the head of their silent and morose son Philippe; almost fourteen years old it looked as if the changes of adolescence had begun. The poor kid had a few rocky and painful years ahead as he made the transition into an adult Vampire.
Hera was relating some story about events in Venice to Gabriel; she did a lot of work there liaising between her brother’s High Council and that of the Vampires’. As Gabriel topped up her tea for her and laughed at something she said Javier reflected that the change in that warrior was nothing short of miraculous. Love, it was a powerful force. That reminded him, he would try to get Hera on her own after breakfast. Privacy was sometimes hard to come by in the chateau.
His attention shifted to where Cassia and Rafe sat next to a subdued and thoughtful Flavia. Javier wondered what it was about Flavia that seemed to have captured Chronus. Her delicate, innocent elfin beauty was the complete opposite of Chronus’s usual sophisticated and impeccably fashionable type.
All this distracted him from Cassia. He had been preternaturally aware of her from the second he’d entered the room; homing in on her scent. They had exchanged polite nods but that was all. He could hardly bear to look at her and Rafe; hardly bear to think of their names together. Every time Rafe touched her, and he did it a lot, Javier noted, he had to fight the urge to launch himself across the table and rip his throat out. He knew that he was silent and moody and that this big adopted family of his had all noticed.
“Hey Javier, I’m taking Cassia into Nice tonight. I thought we could go to La Loge; they do fantastic tapas and then dancing till dawn. You look like you could do with a night out, join us. I’ve asked Jean to get the boat ready for nine, Cassia will enjoy the trip across the bay.”
As Javier declined Rafe’s friendly invitation he glanced quickly at Cassia only to find her examining him calmly. Well, he had no rights there; just friends. That had been what she had said.
“Is it a jeans kind of place or a little black dress kind of place Rafe?” Cassia asked;
“You look gorgeous in jeans Cassia but I’d love to see you in a dress.” Rafe all but purred.
Bastardo, thought Javier viciously, he bet he would!
“I need to see all of you to discuss what we have found out and plan our strike. My study in one hour gentlemen. Rafe, you are free after the meeting.” LaSalle’s comments cut into Javier’s thoughts. Breakfast came to an end and everyone set off on their various tasks. Javier hurried after Hera; hanging back as Gabriel kissed her then followed Max and Luca down to their underground Operations room. Rafe and Cassia, he noted, still lingered over coffee in the breakfast room.
“Hera! Wait a minute, can I talk to you please?”
Hera turned; “Yes, what is it? You look tired, what’s happened?”
“It’s…it’s… I just wanted to talk to you actually. In private.” Javier stuck his hands in his pockets feeling suddenly awkward as he looked down at the floor.
Hera reached forward and touched his arm lightly then asked gently;
“What is it Javier? Something’s troubling you deeply isn’t it? We’re friends, you listened to my woes in the past. Shall we go now? I was only going to send some e-mails over to Venice, they can wait. Let’s go to the beach, I find there’s something about looking at the sea that makes it easier to talk.”
Javier nodded gratefully and they set out in comfortable silence down the path from the main house, through the woods to the beach where Gabriel and Hera shared a small beach house. It was their private place, where they went when they wanted to get away from life in the chateau.
He helped Hera grab a couple of deck chairs from the beach house’s little veranda and then set them up on the sand facing the dark expanse of the sea. They sat quietly for a while and Javier marvelled at how easily she had managed the transition into the Vampire’s nocturnal world.
“Do you miss spending most of your time in daylight?” he asked. Hera laughed softly;
“I get plenty of daylight you know Javier, I try to get an hour or more every day and sometimes a lot more if I feel like a spot of sunbathing or I’m in Venice. That makes me rather tired at night though. I’ve adjusted; it’s all a matter of balance.”
Sunbathing? Javier couldn’t imagine such a thing.
“How do you think Flavia would manage if she and Chronus got together?” he asked.
“Did we come out here to talk about Flavia and Chronus?” Hera asked quietly,
“What’s troubling you Javier?”
Where should he begin, wondered Javier. How could he put all this into words?
“I never said goodbye Hera, I never said goodbye to Charlotte and I never let her go. The night of the bomb, I went to that restaurant. It had been reduced to almost ashes, everything and everybody in there. LaSalle went with me, I couldn’t have gone on my own; it was like a waking nightmare. I couldn’t retrieve her body for a pyre because there were no real bodies left. I was completely numb and it was LaSalle who collected what we believed were her ashes, her remains and put them in a sealed box. When we got back here he urged me to have a small pyre, perform the ceremony to send her into the Infinite. Hera, I never did it. Her remains are still in that box and I’m such a coward I’ve never even asked where she is kept.”
“Why do you think you never performed the ceremony Javier?”
Javier sighed as he stared at the sea while Hera waited patiently;
“At the time I thought I’d do it once I caught the bombers but when I’d done that I still couldn’t. To be honest Hera, after I caught the bombers I totally disintegrated. I suppose performing the ceremony would have forced me to face the truth of what had happened. And I couldn’t, I didn’t want to face the truth. Even after I got myself together again I resigned myself to a future alone. Oh, I dated plenty of women but never with any real intent, always thinking back, always with Charlotte in my head.”
“And always lonely, I’ve sensed that in you. And now? It’s Cassia isn’t it?”
Javier looked up at the sky; far above them an airliner was making its way towards the French mainland. Probably Paris, he thought, too high up to be heading for Nice. How the hell was he going to explain what was happening to him? He noticed that Hera just waited quietly for him to continue.
“Hera, you know by now how it is for us, for Vampires when we…” he had been about to say fall in love but how could that be?
“When you fall in love Javier? Is that what you’re stopping yourself from saying?”
Javier cleared his throat then took a deep breath and plunged right in.
“Yes, when male Vampires fall in love it’s more than just an emotion in the heart or head, wherever emotions live Hera. It’s very physical; an actual physical impulse. Completely overwhelming and painful and unstoppable. The need to join, to claim, to mate. Oh Hera, you and Gabriel…do I have to spell it out?”
“No, I know
exactly what you’re talking about. Are you feeling this for Cassia?”
“How can I be? How can I feel it for Cassia? How can I love Cassia when I love Charlotte? Hera, it can’t be happening, can it? It fills me with guilt. We just met and she’s not my type or anything…”
Hera laughed softly;
“I loved Gabriel from the day he crashed rather violently into my life and it was the same for him. Do you remember you once said that he was mine but he just didn’t know it yet? You didn’t answer Javier, are you experiencing the bonding impulse? Be honest.”
“Yes, it’s burning me up. She’s mine.” Javier whispered, looking straight ahead.
There was a long silence then Hera said;
“If I died I would never want Gabriel to suffer, to spend the rest of his life alone. I would want him to find someone else to love, to share his life with, to have children with. Javier, I’ve always thought that the heart has an infinite capacity for love. Just because you are falling in love with Cassia doesn’t mean you loved Charlotte less. What would Charlotte want for you Javier? Right now. Do you think that if she could see you like this it would make her happy?”
Javier pictured Charlotte. When he thought about her now, he always imagined her smiling her wide infectious smile.
“No, it would not. I hurt her Hera, Cassia that is, I rejected her. I told her it couldn’t happen. I’ve left her thinking that all she would be is a second best. She won’t have that and I don’t blame her. How do I go forward Hera?”
Hera reached out and took his hand;
“Oh Javier, you’re chasing around in circles. I don’t yet know much about the belief systems in your world but it seems to me that you need to complete the ceremony for Charlotte. Gabriel always teases me when I go into therapist mode as he calls it but I believe it is called closure. You say you never said goodbye; perhaps now is the time. You wouldn’t have to face it alone unless you wanted to, we’d all be here with you. Just say the word.”
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