by Dean Budnick
(You should talk to her. Over by the sink. Maybe the two of you can get your courage up together, while the rest of us pee…)
Mara?
(MA-RA!)
STEVEN
(Touch of Grape!)
(Good one!)
Shannon’s back and smiling again!
Man and look how colorful it is in here with the lights on. It’s like a liquid painting.
(What do you have for us, Em?)
(Hmmm…Beat It On Down The Lime?)
(Nice!)
(Steven! You’re looking confused, I mean good, I mean confused.)
“If you get confused, listen to the music play!”
(It sounds like you’re in the proper headspace for our game. Are you ready?)
(Nod your head.)
Uh-huh.
(Okay, fake Ben and Jerry’s Grateful Dead ice cream flavors, go!)
“Umm…Stella—”
(Already said. And no Big Railroad Bluesberry or U.S. Bluesberry.)
“Ohhhh…”
(He’s agonizing over it.)
(I can see those synapses misfiring.)
“Ripple?”
(Not bad.)
“Big Bowl of Ripple? Packed Bowl of Ripple?”
(Closer…)
“Fudge Ripple. Fudge Ripple!”
(There you go. That’s our future yearbook editor.)
(Wait, he’s still going…)
(Looks like he’s gonna have a seizure…)
“Umm… Looks Like Rain… Looks Like Rain-bow Chip!”
(Saint Steven! Work it, girlie!)
“What’s Become of the Gravy?”
(That one’s a little obtuse for me.)
(I dig it!)
“Must Have Been The Doses?”
(Amen to that.)
(Is that even a flavor?)
(Not sure if that will pass muster with the FDA.)
“Pass The Mustard!”
(Okay, Stevie, sit down for a sec, take a deep breath.)
Whooo. Rushing. And all this ice cream talk is starting to give me the chills.
STELLA BLUE
“Mommy!”
(What, Stella?)
“Come here. Down here. Bend down.”
(What, honey?)
“It’s like the carnival in here.”
(I know what you mean. That’s why I like it. The people are all wearing clothes with pretty colors and smiling and dancing. I agree with you, Stell.)
“No, Mommy, it’s like the carnival because it’s like that time you and I went to the carnival and we were walking around and I couldn’t see anything because everyone was too tall.”
(Oh. Right. Would you like me to pick you up?)
“Mommy, I’m not a baby.”
(Okay then, would you like to sit on my shoulders? Only big girls do that because babies don’t have strong enough backbones so they would fall off their mommies onto the floor and splatter.)
“Mommy!”
(Sorry, Stell Belle, your mother is spending too much time with Aunt Jenny. So what do you say, up on my shoulders? Let me carry your load.)
“Okay.”
(Alright. Up we go, one-two-three-uhhh. Whoa, you’re getting heavy, Stell. I need to talk to Grammy about sneaking you those Keebler Magic Middles when you’re at her place.)
“I like the elves.”
(They are tasty, that’s for sure. I don’t know how many of them they grind up into each cookie to mix with that gooey chocolate center but I like my Keebler Magic Middles extra elfy.)
“Mommmmeeee!”
(Sorry, sorry. I won’t blame Aunt Jenny for that one. Okay, let’s go for a walk. Now remember if you want me to turn, ask nicely, don’t pull on my hair like I’m a horsie and those are the reins.)
“I know, Mommy. Hey, look over there. Look at all the people. What’s that?”
(Oh, they’re all standing around the water fountain. They’re hot and sweaty, so they want to drink some nice healthy water.)
“No, not the water fountain, over there.”
(Oh yeah, that’s the line for the bathroom… Do you have to go, Stella?)
“Okay.”
(Yeah, I was afraid to ask. Not do you want to go but do you really have to? If you do, I’ll stand in line with you and we can wait. But if you can hold it in we should probably go later when the line’s not so long.)
“I can wait, Mommy.”
(Good thinking, Stella, we’ll go later.)
“No, Mommy, I can wait in line.”
(Because you need to or because you want to?)
“I want to because I need to.”
(Well I can’t argue with that. Come on, let’s go. Let me put you down.)
“No, Mommy, I want to stay up here.”
(You want to stay on my shoulders?)
“Uh-huh.”
(Okay fine, here we go.)
(Beautiful child.)
(Thank you… Did you hear that, Stella?)
“That man had big eyes.”
(You’re right, he did.)
(Remember jazz isn’t dead, it just smells funny!)
“I think she smells funny.”
(Stella!)
“Everyone here smells a little funny.”
(And what do you think about that?)
“It’s funny.”
(What else do you think?)
“Are juice bags bad?”
(Juice bags? I’m not quite sure what you mean. Is that like a juice box?)
“No, a juice bag. A man over there yelled at his friend and told him not to be such a juice bag.”
(Well-haaa-I’m not so sure, I… Hold that thought, honey. Oh my god. Megan! Megan! Stella, can I put you down for a minute? Mommy sees an old friend of hers.)
“No, Mommy, I want to go to the bathroom.”
(Come on, Stella, take my hand. We’ll come back to the bathroom in a minute, Mommy wants to see her friend. Megan! Megan! Come on, Stella, let’s walk a little faster.)
“I can’t, Mommy.”
(Megan! Megan! MEGAN! )
(Alison? Alison!)
(Megan! My god, Megan! It’s been, like, forever. How are you?)
“Mommy!”
(Megan, this is my daughter Stella. Stella, give Aunt Megan a hug.)
“I don’t want to. She smells super-duper funny.”
(Stella!)
(The kid reminds me of your old running buddy, Jenny. Do you still see her?)
(She’s here. In fact she should be out here any minute now. Wow, it’s good to see you. What have you been up to?)
I don’t want to talk to Aunt Megan.
I want to go to the bathroom.
I’m going to run back and get in line.
RANDY
(Okay, Ellis, so where are the dice?)
(I always forget which is singular dice or die? They both sound right to me.)
“Die.”
(Are you telling me something, Ellis?)
“No I’m answering Eddie. Schultz there are no dice in this game. There are dice in Risk, maybe you’re thinking of that? Maybe?”
(Who can be sure?)
“You, perhaps. Risk has dice because that is a game of luck. It’s unlikely you would receive credit in a college course for a game of luck.”
(Although at Morristown you can never be sure.)
(Okay, no dice. Hey, did you hear what I did right there?)
“Can we just start?”
(If you take Psych 101, all the tests are multiple choice, which sort of makes it a game of luck.)
“Can we play?”
(Hey, Rand, do you know there’s an Escape from New York board game? That sounds craptastic. I’ve never played it. No
theory as to whether it would be better or worse than the movie based on Clue.)
“Guys, please. Let’s just PLAY!”
(Play what?)
Shit.
Couldn’t hear the damn golf cart over all these generators.
(He almost did just pop out of a dumpster like Kurst.)
(What’s that, Robbins? Are you suggesting that Colonel Walter E. Kurtz is a garbage man?)
(I…don’t think so.)
(What is it that you’re doing here and why do you have barbecue sauce on your jacket? Have you been sampling prohibited foodstuffs?)
“It’s not—”
(I heard you talking about playing a game. What exactly is going on here?)
(It’s our break. We’re taking our break.)
(And playing a little dice, wagering with the paycheck?)
(No dice, sir.)
(A few hands of poker?)
(No, sir.)
(We’ve been looking for you people. There was an incident with a fire. I’ve heard there might be something else planned and we can use all available assistance. But you’re not there to assist and why is that? Because the three of you are hiding out back here playing Candyland. Now whose game is this?)
“It’s mine, sir.”
(What is it?)
“Can you not read or is it possible you have trouble seeing anything that’s more than two feet away.”
(You’re fired.)
“Yes, I am.”
(I just fired you.)
“No you did not.”
(Yes, I did.)
(Rand, don’t get worked up.)
“No, you did not.”
(Yes, I did.)
“No, really, you didn’t. You can talk to Mack.”
(No, you can talk to Mack. He was the one who informed me you’d be cowering behind the waste disposal bins. Robbins, Schultz, follow me…)
“Hey, roll back here! Do you even know what a free blocking zone is? Do you understand that even if I’m out of the zone I’m still allowed to hit you while you’re in mid-air if I’ve already knocked you off your feet? That’s not considered blocking below the waist and so no flag should be thrown! And do you realize that this is not barbecue sauce, it’s blood!”
(Don’t forget to pick up your Candyland or else I’ll cite you for littering.)
TAPER TED
(So what you think?)
Norfolk Chuck.
“What are you doing here?”
(What do you mean what I am doing here? I’m a taper just like you, I’m not an animal. Although at times it does feel like we’re on display in here, no? Sort of like we’re in the zoo? That’s how they treat us sometimes too, just lofting their pre-stamped padded envelopes through the cage at us, expecting us to perform on command and spin shows for them. I am not an elephant! I am not an animal! I am taper! I am a human being!… Right?)
“I suppose.”
(Come on, that’s a quality riff. It’s no Jerry during ‘Eyes,’ or Phil during ‘Playin’” but I’m proud of my work.)
“Are you? Let’s take a few more steps away from the crowd.”
(Sure…)
“Okay, this is fine right here. Listen, I apologize but I am not feeling the mutual contempt for strangers who push us to spin tapes again our will.”
(I suppose I understand that. But please recognize we’re coming from the same place here.)
“You’re a blankmailer.”
(You make that sound so sinister. I’m a Deadhead. I’m searching for the sound just like you, it’s just that you’ve found it. Or rather someone else found it and decided to gift it to you. I’ve decided to gift it to me.)
“Which is altogether at odds with the sense of community we try to nurture.”
(Really? I’m not the one holding out on this community by hoarding tapes… Hey come on, don’t get worked up. I’m just trying to point out that it’s all a matter of perspective. And that’s why I came over, not to go on about the Betty Boards and the Whole Earth Access tape tree but to hear your perspective on that set and the tour as a whole. I mean we all can get behind the Philly ‘Dark Star,’ but what else has moved you so far?)
“Well… It’s tough to quibble with second night, second set Greensboro. The ‘New Speedway’ smoked and the ‘Comes A Time’ out of space? A treat…”
(And one that I would be happy to promise Jerry we would not take for granted if he served it up a bit more frequently. What else?)
“While that ‘Dark Star’ was without doubt the defining moment of the tour—”
(Thus far.)
“Thus far, as for the totality of a show, I think the second night Philly might have been the strongest. ‘Attics’ has never sounded better. Jerry was engaged throughout, Phil was animated, Bobby was on point and Brent was beefy, with his powerhouse leads and counterpoints. The band as a whole just connected.”
(What about tonight?)
“I tell you what, that ‘Let It Grow’ was really stunning. It is not necessarily my favorite song but the places they’re taking it are just above and beyond anything they’ve ever done with it before, and I’m talking all the way back to ’74, which is when it really shined the first time around.”
(I altogether agree with you there. This may be heresy to some but I really think a lot of that is Brent.)
“You’re preaching to the choir on that one.”
(I happy to hear that we’re part of the some congregation. See we’re all just Deadheads here, drawn to the music. Those are the insights I look forward to sharing about the Betty Boards. So do you want me to write you a check for DAT blanks and postage?… Should I leave you my address?… Would you prefer to give me yours?… Okay, we can finalize the details when we’re breaking down our gear at the end of the night… Sounds good, Taper Ted, we’ll talk later…)
ROBIN
“MA-RA!”
(Bobin! Bobin! Bob-in!)
“Con-fooosing.”
(Numbers?)
“Leftright leftright.”
(Leave?)
“Yessss, No Tinkle-belles…”
(Hahahaha No Tinkle-belles…”)
Haaaaaa!
Ahhhhhh!
MA-RA!
“Dos!”
(Dose?)
“Dos!”
(Dose?)
“Two!”
(Hiiiiiiiiiigghhh!)
“Dos Dose!”
(Dos Dose!!)
“Dos Dose!!”
“Missed yoooo!”
(“Missed yoooo!”)
“Good space up. Shall we go?”
(You and I?)
“While weeeee can…”
(Uh-huh.)
“Unhug me”
(Uh-huh.)
“Half-way is o-kay.”
(Siamese-gurgle-dosers.)
“Uh-huh. Siamese dosers.”
ZEB
(The whole Touchhead controversy has wider implications though. It’s like that big debate over which shows are better, East Coast or West Coast. People on the East Coast assume that something better must be happening out there because there are fewer younger scene Heads and more old time music Heads. Meanwhile people on the West Coast seem to think that the East Coast shows are more intense. What do you think?)
“I don’t think age should factor into this. A custie is a custie and a Head is a Head. Although sometimes it turns out that a custie is a Head.”
(Lot talk, dig it. Plenty of sweet Sugar Magnolias out in those lots. But you know what they say about hippie chicks, right?)
“No brother, what do they say?”
(You gotta clean ’em to eat ’em… Yeah, just to remind you, I’m buzzin’, cousin… But as far as the East Coast and West Coast shows, there are some major diff
erences. First, the sound is usually different since out there more of the shows are outdoors, in amphitheaters. So of course the East Coast shows are more intense because spring and fall tours are inside where the sound doesn’t float away. Plus the Dead just play more shows out there and so people are more blasé about it. Jerry Band plays at the Warfield every month or so. But out here it’s rarer, it’s more of a treat. So people get really fired up about it and the band feeds off that.)
“It’s that righteous energy circle.”
(The guy who does all my envelope art for me, tells me his clients on the West Coast always get sweet seats, even for New Year’s. But some of us back East don’t always get the primo ducats because of the competition.)
“Your envelope art?”
(Yeah for mail order. I’ve got my own Picasso Moon. Really, that’s what he calls himself. I know he probably should have picked an older song, maybe a better song but the art reference fits. He actually used to call himself Stanley Mouseketeer, which I for one, preferred, but hey, he’s a kid like you. Actually maybe that’s what we should call the next wave of Deadheads, people like yourself, who attended their first show after the In The Dark craze. Maybe we should call you Picasso Moonies. What do you think?)
“I’m not sure that’ll catch on.”
(I might try it. I like the way it references a Bobby song rather than a Jerry sorry. It’s very diplomatic. And then maybe for the next wave we go Brent because he’s the one contributing most of the new material these days anyhow.)
“Remember, Craig, no harshing on Brent.”
(That wasn’t harshing on Brent. If I had said he’s the one contributing the non-Grateful Dead songs to the Grateful Dead, that might be harshing on Brent.)
“Just a bit.”
(But I’m not even taking about Brent. Come to think of it, I’m not even talking about Bobby, I’m talking about a Bobby song. ‘Picasso Moon.’ Actually I’m not even talking about a Bobby song, I’m talking about an artist who named himself after a Bobby song. Picasso Moon, that’s why we’re sitting here tonight, four rows off the floor. I pay him to do all the artwork for my mail order envelopes. He takes care of the whole thing, I give him a wad of cash, he pretties up the #10 envelopes, buys the postal money orders, fills out the 3x5 index cards and then waits in line to make sure he gets the proper postmark on the first day. I’m a crappy artist. You?)