by T. T. Kove
I wish I could forget all of it.
Then again, I’d only have more things to freak out over.
I did not look forward to school tomorrow. But I had to face it, I had to face Jakob. I had to talk to him and figure out what happened last night.
But if something bad did happen, he’s not going to admit it, is he?
I groaned loudly and dragged my duvet up over my head. Sleep, that’s what I was going to do. Sleep the day away. I could freak out tomorrow, when I’d have good reason for it.
For now I just wanted to forget it all.
4
Trouble
I hadn’t arrived in the schoolyard the next morning before I knew there were trouble brewing.
Iselin, who’d already arrived at school, came hurrying towards me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked after one look at her worried expression.
“There are rumours.” She chewed on her bottom lip, anxious. “About you. And Jakob. They’re saying—” Her eyes grew so wide they were about to pop out of her head.
I frowned, then turned to look at what had got her attention—only to be slapped right across the face.
I gasped, surprised—then stared at the furious girl standing in front of me.
“You fucking slag,” Hedda spat, and she slapped me again.
I was so surprised to be face to face with her I let her—but when she drew her hand back to slap me a third time, I propelled into motion.
I grabbed her hand before it could connect with my face again.
She struggled, expression thunderous. Then she dropped her handbag and tried to hit at me with her other hand.
I tried to stop that too, but it got violent, out of hand.
Hedda screamed something as we fought. She was intent on hurting me, grabbing for my hair, which I’d let hang loose, while I tried my best to fend her off.
I didn’t want to fight with her!
“Slag!” she spat again.
She managed to get a hit in—and now I was getting angry. I’d never fought with anyone before, but she wasn’t going to let me be.
So I slapped her back, the sound reverberating.
It was her turn to gasp in surprise—and then it got really ugly.
We’d both got hold of each others’ hair, and we pulled, and we used our fists— and then we were pulled apart.
There was chaos around us, people gathered.
Someone had their arms around my waist, pulling me back and away from Hedda. She, in turn, was being held back by Jakob.
“You fucking cunt!” Hedda yelled at me, then turned stormy eyes on Jakob. “And you! You slept with her?” Now she tried slapping at him, but he grabbed her hands, holding them tight enough she wasn’t able to move.
“Come on, Maria,” someone said close to my ear and I was turned away from the scene in front of me and brought over to the other side of the schoolyard.
Once there, the arms around me let me go—and I was spun around to stand face to face with Roar.
“Hey.” He stared down at me.
I licked my lips nervously. “Hi.”
“Fighting on a Monday morning, huh?” He had a barely there tilt of his lips, like he found what had just happened amusing.
“She started it,” I said, then realised just how immature that sounded. “I mean—” I closed my eyes, mortified. “I don’t know what I mean.”
He chuckled. “I know she started it.”
“You saw it all, huh?” That was embarrassing. Then again, after our last period of time together and what I’d revealed to him, this was nothing compared to it.
“So it was Jakob?” Now he turned serious. “He’s the one from Saturday night?”
I nodded slowly.
How weird was it that the school’s nicest guy might’ve done something really bad to me, whereas the school’s bad boy—the one everyone thought was dangerous—was here being kind to me?
And he’d taken care of me Saturday night—or Sunday morning, depending on how I looked at it.
“I should talk to him.” I tried to glance around him, but he blocked my line of sight. I couldn’t hear Hedda screaming anymore though, so maybe Jakob had brought her inside. “Find out what really happened.”
He frowned down at me, as he clearly could tell I absolutely didn’t want to talk to Jakob at all. “I can find out for you,” he offered.
I blinked. “How?” I asked this suspiciously, because I’d heard lots of stuff about Roar. He was more likely to use his fists than his words.
“A lot more peacefully than how you decided to handle things just now.”
I looked down and scuffed the toe of my shoe against the grass. “I should do this myself. I got myself into this mess, so I should try and figure out what exactly this mess is in the first place.” I pressed my lips together. “Though apparently everyone else knows what it’s all about, so…” Maybe that was answer enough.
“Rumours aren’t always true.”
I lifted my head to stare at him again—and all but drowned in his dark, brown eyes. Fuck, but he was handsome, even with the bruise under one eye.
“Are you speaking from experience?”
He shrugged, looked away, then reached out to pluck at my jumper. “You been wearing this since Saturday night?”
I’d forgotten I wore his hoodie, and I blushed. “Maybe.” I stared down at it. I hadn’t bothered with a jacket today, only put on warmer clothes underneath. “You can have it back if you want.”
The bell rang.
He took a step away from me. “You hold onto it for me.”
That’s what he said that night.
He smiled then, flashing white teeth—and if I’d been one of those girls, I would’ve melted at his feet right there.
“See you around, Maria. And if you need my help… I’ll be there.”
He walked off, and I stood back staring after him like some other idiot.
“Maria!” Iselin came running up to me, grabbing my hand. “Are you okay?”
I turned to her, slightly dazed. “Yeah.”
She inspected my face. “I don’t think she left any marks on you. It’s not like a slap leaves a bruise.” Her eyes cut sideways, towards the front doors. “Fists leave bruises.”
She was obviously referring to Roar. But I didn’t want to tell her about him. Not yet, anyway.
“Why was Roar coming to your rescue?” Iselin hadn’t got that part, it seemed.
“I don’t know.”
She stared from the door to me. “Why did he speak to you? Roar doesn’t speak to anyone.”
I shrugged, unwilling to share any information yet. Roar was handsome, intriguing, and I still wore his hooded jumper.
“We should go in. Classes have started.” The schoolyard was abandoned now.
Iselin blinked. “Did you sleep with Jakob?”
I shrugged again. “I’m not sure.”
I could tell she put the pieces together. “Saturday night? You didn’t go home. You had sex with Jakob!”
“Shh!” I glanced around, even though I’d already seen we were the only ones out and about. “I don’t know, Iselin. Please.”
“How can you not know?” Her incredulous expression changed to one of confusion.
“I blacked out. I don’t remember anything.” But some people obviously knew something, or else there wouldn’t have been rumours. And Hedda wouldn’t have attacked me. “I have no idea what happened Saturday night. So you can’t talk about it to anyone. I need to figure it out myself first.” I had to talk to Jakob.
She nodded quickly.
“Who’s been talking about me, anyway?” She’d hurried up to me, after all, before school had even started.
“Hedda’s friends.” She drew her lower lip in-between her teeth. “Jasmin talked about it when I walked by to my locker, how she’d seen the two of you snogging.”
“Oh God.” I couldn’t remember so much as being in Jakob’s presence at the party, much less snog
him.
“I never thought Hedda would actually attack you though.” Iselin moved uncomfortably, almost like Roar did. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
“Yeah.” It wasn’t Hedda’s violent behaviour I was worried about; if I had slept with her boyfriend, she was entitled to it. Though shouldn’t she be angry with her boyfriend instead of me? He was the one who’d done something wrong.
Jakob, who never did anything wrong.
It didn’t make sense that he would’ve forced me into anything.
Then again, drunk people didn’t always behave rationally. Though he was the nicest guy alive when he was sober, maybe he wasn’t when he was under the influence of alcohol.
“Oh God.” I pressed my hands to my face. “I can’t believe it. Jakob, of all people.”
“There’s nothing wrong with Jakob,” Iselin said quickly. “Now if it’d been Roar you snogged, I would’ve been worried.”
I froze, then slowly let my hands fall back down to my side.
“He has a psycho girlfriend. That’s enough for me.” But I reeled from her comment about Roar, because I had nothing to worry about from him. He’d helped me, he’d worried about me, and now he’d pulled me away from a fight that could’ve got even uglier.
Roar was good.
But I couldn’t tell Iselin that, not without telling her everything. And I wasn’t ready for that, because I wanted to keep it to myself a little longer.
I wanted Roar to myself.
Now that left me reeling.
After my ex from last year, and the small crush I’d had on Jakob for ages, I hadn’t been interested in anyone at all. But Roar… he was intriguing, he was handsome, caring.
I didn’t understand his bad reputation.
I also didn’t hold it against him, because all he’d done was be kind to me. He didn’t have to, he could’ve walked away, but he’d come over to talk to me. He’d given me his hoodie. He’d carried me home—even going so far as to make sure I got right up to my door.
He’s a good guy. A great guy even.
And I didn’t want to stand there and listen to Iselin talk negatively about him. “I’m going to class.”
“Yeah.” She hesitated a little before she followed. “See you at lunch?”
“Yeah.” I waved at her, then headed towards my first class.
The teacher wouldn’t be happy I was so late, but that was the least of my worries.
5
Coward
I stared down at Jakob’s Facebook profile, my thumb hovering over the add as friend button. I couldn’t send him a message without being his friend—and I needed to send a message to him.
I couldn’t approach him in school, because he was always around other people. Either mates of his, or a miserable-looking Hedda. If she hadn’t hit me earlier, I might’ve felt sorry for her.
As it was, I couldn’t care less about her feelings.
I stared down at my mobile again.
Press that damn button.
But my thumb wouldn’t move. I couldn’t press it, I didn’t dare, because if I did there was no way back. I’d have to talk to him, had to ask him, and if I got the wrong answer… what would I do then?
“Hey.”
I startled as someone sprawled into the chair next to me.
Upon glancing over, afraid I’d have to face Jakob already now—since it had been a male voice—I blinked upon seeing Roar give me a wry grin.
“You figured it out yet?”
I shook my head mutely.
He crossed his arms over his chest as he regarded me with an inscrutable expression.
I chanced a quick glance around the cafeteria—and found several people shooting us curious glances.
It’s not so weird, considering Roar’s reputation for being a loner and troublemaker.
I didn’t think I had a reputation. I kept to myself. I didn’t stand out. Except now I did, because the whole school had probably heard by now that I’d had sex with Jakob.
“Are you going to friend the guy who might have possibly assaulted you?” He stared knowingly down at my phone, where my thumb still hovered over the add as friend button.
“I have to talk to him. I thought I’d send him a message and ask, but I have to be friends with him to send him a message.” Why would his Facebook profile be so private? Couldn’t he have it partially open like everyone else, so people who weren’t your friend could at least send you a bloody message?
“It’s easy to lie over a message,” he pointed out drily.
“I know.” I pressed the damn button. “I’m just sending him a message to ask if we can talk. I want to meet him for that, look at his face, see how he reacts.”
He nodded. “That’s good. It’s harder to lie to someone’s face.”
I cast a wry glance at him. “Do you know Jakob?”
“No.” He stared back at me. “Does it look like I’ve got any friends around here?”
“Not a single one?” I had Iselin at least, and before that I’d had Nik too. Not to mention my cousin and my brother and my sister, though we hadn’t actually gone to the same school since primary education.
He shook his head.
“What do you do every day then?”
“I go to school, I avoid going home, I go to work, and then I sneak in during the night.” He looked away as he admitted it, like he either was ashamed or embarrassed to admit it.
He didn’t have any more bruises—at least not on his face. But his stepfather was clearly not a good man.
“Where do you work?” I decided to go with that topic instead of bringing his stepfather up. We were in the school cafeteria after all—people could listen in on us.
“The gas station downtown.”
There was only one, then, the one closest to Burger King.
I glanced down at my phone. It still said pending friend request, so Jakob had neither accepted nor declined it. I reckoned that was good.
If he declined, well… that was my answer, wasn’t it?
And if he accepted, then I’d simply have to ask for a chat.
“My offer still stands, you know.”
“Offer?” I asked, distracted as I continued to stare down at my phone.
“I can find out what happened for you—and get a truthful answer.”
“How would you do it?” I locked my screen and put the mobile screen-down on the table.
“I’d ask nicely.” He grinned wryly. “And if that doesn’t work, well… I reckon pretty-boy wouldn’t want his face introduced to my fist.”
“Violence isn’t going to solve anything.” I didn’t want him to hit Jakob.
“Isn’t it?” He stared at me again, serious now. “If he raped you,” he said this in a very low voice so no one but us could hear it, “you wouldn’t want him to pay?”
I swallowed audibly. “But I don’t know if he did.”
“I can find out.”
“I should be the one to find out.” I clenched my hands into fists. “I’m not a coward. I can stand up for myself. This is my problem.” I might be the quiet girl, the one who kept to herself and preferred books over being sociable—but I also wasn’t afraid of speaking up if I believed in something, if something was wrong.
I wasn’t a coward.
So why couldn’t I simply walk up to Jakob and face him?
“It’s not about being a coward.” His eyes moved from side to side as he looked into both of mine. “You’re scared. That’s totally understandable. You can let someone else do the dirty work for you.”
It flattering that he offered. “Why would you want to?”
He bowed his head and ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it. “Because.”
“That’s not an answer,” I pointed out.
We sat in loaded silence, me waiting for him to give me a proper one, and him… well, either he was stubbornly staying silent or he was thinking. I couldn’t make out which.
“Hi, Maria.”
Iselin hovere
d next to the table, at the other side to Roar. She shot him quick, curious glances, but otherwise didn’t acknowledge him.
“Oh, hey.” I shouldn’t feel disappointed that my best friend showed up to spend our lunch break together, but I did.
Roar pushed away from the table and stood. Then he stared down at me. “The offer still stands.”
Then he walked off.
Iselin slid into the chair across from me, depositing her rucksack on the chair next to her.
“Why were you talking to Roar?” she asked, confused. “What offer?”
“It’s nothing.” I sighed. “Absolutely nothing.”
She didn’t believe me, I could tell, but Iselin was a good friend. She let it drop.
“Have you spoken to Jakob?”
I shook my head, then quickly checked my mobile. No new notifications. Well then…
“Hedda and him were fighting at recess earlier.” Iselin took her lunch out of her rucksack. “I didn’t hear much, but it definitely wasn’t good.”
Maybe I was a home wrecker. Now that would’ve been something.
“Maybe they’ll break up.”
“So what if they do?” I hadn’t brought any lunch. I still felt queasy, but not enough to be sick again like I’d been the day before.
“Maybe you and Jakob—”
“No way,” I interrupted before she could even finish the sentence. “Jakob is not my type.”
“He was on Saturday.”
“Yeah, I don’t—What was I thinking?” That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it? “I’m not that girl.”
“What girl?” Iselin propped a spoonful of salad into her mouth.
“The girl who sleeps around. The girl who gets so pissed she blacks out. The girl who has sex with people she doesn’t know.” I dropped my head in my hands. “That’s not me.”
“I know,” Iselin agreed. “It’s weird. That you did all that, I mean. Sleep with Jakob, drink so much…”
“Who gave me drinks? I can’t remember anything.” Someone must’ve supplied me with them, I hadn’t brought any on my own except the ciders Iselin and I had shared.
Iselin’s face scrunched up as she thought. “I don’t know. We only drank the cider. I didn’t see you drink anything else. I don’t think I saw you much after, to be honest. Suddenly you were just gone and I couldn’t find you.”