by T. T. Kove
“And it’s good that you broke up with Hedda.” And not just because she’d hit me. “Pretending to be something you’re not… you’re not going to be happy that way. And it’s not fair to her either to be with someone who isn’t actually into her.”
He nodded slowly. “You’re okay, Maria.” He gave me a small smile before he bowed his head again.
“So are you.” What everyone said about Jakob was true; he was a very kind person, and shy. But no one had ever mentioned him being so insecure, and closeted, and miserable. So he’d kept many of his cards clutched tight. So tight no one had been able to see it.
Until me—right here and now.
I wasn’t sure I was worth that trust, considering I’d half-dreaded he’d sexually assaulted me while I’d been too drunk to give consent. But of course he hadn’t done it, he was a nice guy. I didn’t think he would’ve done something like that if he’d been straight either.
“I’ll keep your secrets, Jakob,” I said. “And if you ever need to talk, I’m here. Also, if you want to meet some gay guys, I can introduce you to some. My cousin Ben might try to shag you if he’s in the right mood, but otherwise he’s great.”
Jakob spluttered adorably.
“I’m kidding.” I held my hands up in the universal sign of peace. I wasn’t exactly though, Ben was a slag. But considering the mood he’d been in lately, I didn’t think he was much out on the pull anymore.
Maybe when he got out of his depressive funk.
Until then he was simply a miserable git to be around.
So I shouldn’t introduce Jakob to him just yet.
But Alex was always sweet. If Jakob wanted, I’d introduce them a weekend Alex was home. Maybe even Andreas would come home—I figured Jakob would have an even better time meeting him.
Andreas had a positive outlook on life. He had no issues with his sexuality, no issues being in a relationship with another guy. He was simply easy. And easy-going person. Exactly the kind of person Jakob needed right now.
Too bad he was in the army—and I had no idea when he next came home for a visit.
“You really mean it? We can… talk?” He didn’t dare look at me.
“I do, Jakob. You can come talk to me anytime, anywhere.” He didn’t have to be alone with it all. If he needed someone to unload on, I could be there for him.
He nodded with a thoughtful expression on his face. “It’s been great talking to you now.”
“Good.” It had for me too. I’d got answers—and learned more than I ever could’ve thought possible.
Jakob clearly needed someone to be there for him, since no one but me knew about his struggles.
We hadn’t had sex, forced or otherwise, so that was a relief.
Since nothing had happened, nothing was awkward. So I could be his friend.
8
Attraction
I should’ve walked on clouds when I left Burger King, but after the conversation with Jakob had steered in on my dad, I felt rather melancholy and sad.
Had Dad suffered like Jakob did right now? He’d had no one there for him, because Mum had already been dead… He’d had us, obviously, but we’d been too young to understand much.
Christina had understood—but she hadn’t realised what the signs meant until after Dad was gone. That still tore at her, but she didn’t talk about it much anymore. I didn’t tend to bring up our parents either, because it always brought the mood down.
I moved towards the gas station almost on auto-pilot. I wasn’t sure if Roar would be there or not, but the butterflies in my stomach fluttered with hope.
I needed something good right now, after the draining conversation I’d just been involved in.
The only thing I could think about that would cheer me up would be to see him. See his stoic face, the bruise under one eye, the ruffled, dirty-blond hair…
He was there.
Right behind the counter, serving a customer.
His gaze cut to the side, over the customer’s shoulder, as I walked in, and we stared at each other for several seconds.
Once his customer—the only one in the shop at that moment—left, I walked up to the counter.
“Hey.”
“Hi, Maria.” He stared at me, all intense and inscrutable. “Are you all right?”
“Mhmm.” I wasn’t sure this had been a good idea. I had nothing to say to him. But seeing him made the butterflies in my stomach go wild.
When had they appeared, even? They hadn’t been there Saturday night, or this morning at lunch. But they were there now and they weren’t subtle about it.
His brows drew together in a frown. “You don’t seem all right.”
“Oh.” I shook my head a little to clear my thoughts. “I’ve been at BK. Had a chat with Jakob.”
Now his frown deepened. “What did he do to you?”
I blinked, then promptly realised he was taking my melancholia as sadness. “Nothing! Nothing at all happened. My virtue’s all intact. Such as it is.”
Oh my god, can you be more lame?
But his expression cleared, a little at least. He still seemed a bit unsure, sceptical. “How can you be certain he wasn’t lying?”
I bit my lower lip. “I can’t tell you, but trust me, he wasn’t lying.” I didn’t know Jakob, but even so I could tell the blatant emotions, the fear and the uncertainty and the anxiety, were real. “He hasn’t hurt me. I didn’t do anything to him. It’s all good.”
He licked his lips. “Then why aren’t you happy?”
Good question. “Our conversation touched upon my parents. My dad.”
“What’s wrong with them?” He leaned on the counter now so he was a bit closer to me.
“They’re dead.”
“Oh.” That drew him up short. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I shrugged. “It’s years since Mum died, and Dad…” I did a quick calculation in my head. “Huh. It’s been four years. Over four years now.”
He looked away. “My mum’s dead too.”
Oh no. “So it’s just you and your stepfather?” That tosser.
He nodded. “It’s been two years now.”
“I’m sorry, Roar.” He didn’t have anymore bruises on his face, at least. I hoped that meant the old git hadn’t beat on him lately.
“It is what it is.” He shrugged, then looked down at me. “Still wearing it, huh?”
“Yeah.” His hoodie. It was big on me, but it was comfortable. “I like it.”
“You can have it if you want.” He leaned his arms on the counter, gaze intense as it bore into me.
“I don’t want to take your clothes. I’m just borrowing it for a little while.” I braced my arms against the counter too, leaning in closer to him. “It made me feel good, when I was freaking out about everything. But now that all’s fine I don’t really need it anymore.”
His gaze searched mine. “You look good in it.”
I smiled, but didn’t get a chance to answer, because he leaned in all the way and pressed his lips to mine.
I leaned in closer, pressing further into the kiss, wanting to feel more of him. His lips were warm and soft, and when his tongue ran over my bottom lip, I opened my mouth to accept it inside—
The sliding doors whooshed open.
We pulled apart and looked around guiltily, but the person who’d come inside didn’t so much as glance at us. He walked resolutely over to the fridges, got a frozen pizza and a bottle of Cola, then came up to the counter.
I stepped to the side as Roar rang him up.
The guy left just as silently and resolutely as he’d come in, without so much as a bye to Roar.
“Hey, Maria, come over here.” Roar motioned with his head to the other side of the counter, past the pastries to where there was space enough for him to come out—and for me to come in.
He took my hand and drew me past the counter, up flush against him.
I put a hand on his stomach as I tilted my head up to meet his kiss.
His hands wrapped around me, all strong and sure and safe. People might say Roar was dangerous, but he wasn’t to me. To me he’d been nothing but kind and compassionate.
“I like you, Roar,” I said when the kiss tapered off.
He swallowed. “I like you too.”
The butterflies started up again, going wild in my stomach.
His arms tightened around me, pressing me up even closer to him if that was at all possible.
I hooked my hands around his neck, then brushed my lips over his jaw, feeling the slight stubble there rasp against them.
The sliding doors opened again, this time bringing with them a crowd of rowdy lads.
I stepped away from Roar with regret, and he gave me a small smile I hoped conveyed the same regret.
I glanced over at the lads, they were probably in their early to mid-twenties somewhere. Then I glanced at my phone.
“I have to go home.” It was late and there was school in the morning. “I don’t know how you manage to work so late and still get up for school, but I need my sleep.”
He pressed his lips together, looked away, then gave me another small smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Yeah.” I couldn’t wait to see him again. “Sit with me at lunch?”
He nodded. “I will.”
“Great.” I glanced behind me again. The group of lads were busy perusing the crisps section, so I dared take a step forward and press a light, brief, chaste kiss to Roar’s lips. “Tomorrow then.”
“Be careful on your way home,” he said, watching me intently as I moved away from him.
“I always am.”
I left the gas station and followed the main road up past the park where I’d first met Roar on Saturday.
I preferred to follow the main road, as there were always cars out and about. If something were to happen there, there were houses all around too.
This was a small town, but things happened here too. I’d read about women being raped in the paper, or that time someone tried to rob a bus with an axe. Things happened here, as they did everywhere.
Andreas and Alex had been attacked one time they’d been out and taken the shortcut through the marina. Alex had taken an iron bar to the head. Now, that was scary.
I never took the route through the marina when it was dark, not after that. Not that that arsehole would come around and gay bash me, considering I wasn’t gay and a girl, but still.
It was a place where no one could hear me if I screamed. A place for someone to lurk without me seeing them.
No, it was better to follow the main road.
9
Tears
I looked for Roar as soon as I came to school the morning after, but didn’t spot him anywhere outside. Nor did I see Iselin.
Jakob, however, broke off from his group of friends and came over to walk with me towards the double doors.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” I looked at him expectantly. Did he want to talk now? “You sure you want to be seen with me?” I glanced over at his friends, who all were looking at us.
“Nothing wrong with that, is there?” He seemed in better spirits today, not as sad and anxious and nervous as he had last night.
“No.” Still, wouldn’t the fact we were actually talking now fire up the rumours even more? Not that I minded, not much, not as long as Roar knew the truth.
“I just wanted to say thanks for last night.” He clutched the strap of his shoulder bag tight.
“No problem.” I was just happy I’d found out what had happened—or in this case hadn’t happened—on Saturday. And I hoped my words had been of some comfort to him, at least.
It seemed they had, as he was a bit more uplifted today.
“What you said last night… I think I’ve figured it out.”
We were inside now, and I stopped in front of the stairs that led up to the general studies classrooms. I was on the ground floor, through the corridor next to the stairs.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” He pursed his lips as he stared intently down at the floor. “I mean, I’ve known it for a while, but it wasn’t in the cards for me… except maybe it is?”
He was rambling. It was a little adorable. If a guy could be adorable. They definitely can.
“What is it, Jakob?” I asked, trying not to laugh.
“Teaching.”
I raised my eyebrows in wonder. I hadn’t seen that one coming. “That’s not such a bad career, is it?”
“My parents think so.” He shrugged awkwardly. “They want me to be a lawyer, or a doctor, or an engineer. But I don’t want that.”
“Then don’t do it.” I’d never once been pushed to do something I didn’t want. None of us had, our family were so open and supportive with each other.
“I’ve been up half the night searching online, and I found they’ve got a really great programme in Trondheim and Volda, not too far from here. In Trondheim they’ve got an integrated master, so five years of study, but in Volda it’s a bachelor.”
“The integrated master is for teaching at higher levels, isn’t it?” I wasn’t that into what kind of education you needed as a teacher, but I knew at least my Norwegian teacher had a master-degree.
He nodded eagerly, excited now, which only proved he should do what he liked instead of what someone else expected. “It is. I want to teach kids, and for that I’d only need a bachelor-degree as well as a year of professional teacher qualification.”
“Well, Alex goes to school in Volda. He’s taking a year-course in English. It’s a good school, from what I’ve heard.”
“Alex?” He gave me a confused look.
“My brother’s boyfriend,” I clarified. “And his brother’s studying social work, also in Volda. I’ve heard a lot of great stuff about that school. I’m going to Trondheim to study psychology—if I get in anyway—so if you decide to go there, we’ll have to meet up.”
He frowned slightly. “Psychology? I thought you were going further with your dancing.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Well, since you’re doing dance for upper secondary, I just figured.” He got all nervous again, which I could tell from the hesitation in his voice to how he stared at the floor.
“I wanted to. Take it further, live off of it. But it’s hard, you know? It’s a difficult career choice. Besides, I don’t enjoy it like I used to. It’s fine as a hobby, that way it’s fun, but I don’t want to make a career out of it.” I’d thought long and hard about in the past year. “I want a career where I’m guaranteed a job. Where I won’t have to live paycheck to paycheck. A safe job.”
And psychology was interesting too.
“I’m applying the minute the fifteenth rolls around.”
He chuckled. “You’ve got until the fifteenth of April to apply. There’s no stress.”
“I know. I just know what I want and I want to get it over with.” I’d had long talks with my uncle during the past year, trying to figure out what I wanted with my life. I had a direction now, and I was going with it.
The bell rang overhead.
“Well, that’s my cue.” I motioned with my head towards the music, dance, and drama department.
“Yeah.” He looked at me, expression more open and happy that I’d seen it before. “I’ll see you at lunch?”
“Yeah, sure.” Though that would be quite an interesting lunch. If I was going to be at a table with Roar and Jakob, not to mention Iselin… That could get awkward.
But I wasn’t about to say no either.
I didn’t have many friends, and I wasn’t about to turn away someone who could become one. Especially not someone as troubled as Jakob. He deserved some good in his life. To be who he was around people who understood.
The first two hours passed quickly, and as soon as we had a fifteen minutes recess, I headed to the girl toilets on the ground floor. There weren’t as many people there as the main one upstairs.
I still hadn�
��t seen Roar today, not even in passing in the halls, and that occupied my thoughts as I washed my hands.
A toilet flushed behind me, but I paid it no mind.
Not until someone loomed up behind me—and I looked up to meet Hedda’s angry gaze in the mirror.
“So not only did you sleep with my boyfriend, you’re stealing him away too?”
I grabbed some paper to dry my hands, threw it in the rubbish, then turned to face her. “I’m not stealing him away from you.”
“You seemed pretty chummy earlier.” Her lips, usually painted pink or red, were natural today. They were pressed into a thin, angry line. Her eyes were a little puffy, which told me she’d been crying. Though her mascara seemed mostly intact.
“Chummy? Yeah, we were friendly. We were talking. He’s nice.” I couldn’t tell her Jakob’s secret, so I wasn’t sure if I should even correct her about the whole sleeping together thing. She might think she had a chance with him again if she found out he hadn’t cheated on her.
“I know he’s nice. He’s my boyfriend!”
“He’s not. Not anymore.” Jakob had told me himself they’d broken up. “So you’ve got no claims on him. He can speak to whoever he wants. We’re friends.”
That was taking it a bit too far, considering we didn’t know each other at all, but I had a feeling we were quickly moving towards friendship.
“Friends don’t sleep with friends,” she snapped.
I sighed. “If you have a problem, you should take it up with Jakob. This is none of my business.”
“It is!” she shrieked, anger overflowing. “You slept with him! You ruined us.”
Oh jesus. I did not want to be a part of any of this drama.
“Look Hedda. If your boyfriend cheats on you, there’s a problem with your relationship. Don’t take it out on me.” As long as she didn’t hit me or pull my hair again, I’d be happy. “You two have problems. I’ve got no problems with either of you.”
“You wrecked us.” Now she seemed close to crying again. “Why did he sleep with you? I offer myself on a silver platter to him and nothing, but you get him in bed. What do you have that I don’t?”