“I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t really looked at the schedule. I’m actually afraid of chickening out. My son thinks I’m crazy for doing this in the first place. I suppose I figure the less I know ahead of time, the better.”
Laughing, I nod. I can totally understand that logic.
He pauses for a moment and then says, “Could I ask a favour of you?”
Older men have asked me this question before and the favour in question has left me nauseous so I’m cautious, “Um, sure.”
“I’m here in Tobermory with the son I just mentioned. His name is Declan. He accompanied my friends and me here because…well, he needed a change of scenery. He doesn’t know anyone here obviously, but he’s about your age. Would it be okay if I told him to come by here one time to meet you? Maybe you could show him around?”
I am momentarily relieved and then realize that this will mean hanging out with a complete stranger. This man seems genuine though and I cannot bury the feeling of wanting to please him. “I’d like that,” I say with a smile and then reach my hand out to him. “I’m Ellie by the way.”
“Alistair O’Shea,” he says bringing a hand to his heart and offering me the other. “It’s nice to meet you, Ellie.” In that moment I realize how handsome he is. He has salt and pepper hair cut short and the loveliest creases that appear around his eyes when he smiles. He is also nearly a foot taller than me. As he steps closer, I notice that he looks familiar and if he had reached out in that moment to hug me to him, I would not have been taken aback at all.
I’m nervous thinking that he can tell I’m analyzing his appearance. Fumbling for words I offer: “The store closes at five. He can meet me outside if that works.”
“I think that will be perfect, Ellie. Thank you.” He studies me for a moment and sighs, “Hmmm,” and then turns to leave.
Was there something about me he didn’t like? But then why would he want me to meet his son? I had questions, but I just let them all go. Maybe everything would be answered when I met Declan. One could hope.
CHAPTER 5
For the rest of my shift I can’t think straight. Why did I agree to this? I don’t do things like this. I don’t agree to show strangers around a town as wide as my toe. It’s ridiculous! We could run out of things to talk about in ten minutes flat. Could I make a break for it? Could I just leave a sign in the window saying I had to leave early because of a family emergency? Damn this living in a small town! He’d just ask around and in a heartbeat he’d know I was lying. I bite my lip and look up at the ceiling…I’d have to go through with it.
In a flash, a movie starts in my mind’s eye. I don’t block it out. I let it play.
A man walks toward me and I can tell he is angry. It is dark, the sky is clouded over and the rain is pouring down in buckets. His clothes, now soaked through, consist of an overcoat, gloves and a top hat…as if returning from a long journey. He is tall, with dark hair and he is carrying a letter. I can see that he is scowling, and yet I am overcome with desire for him. Even though I know he is angry with me, my head spins with anticipation.
“Louisa! How could you?”
And then it’s gone.
“Oh!” I inhale sharply. That was the most vivid vision I have had in a long while. It shakes me up and reminds me of why I had repressed these for so long. I could see someone clearly; there was fluid movement and emotion. I had almost forgotten how overwhelming my visions could be.
I reach for the phone to call my mom and knock over a cup of pens in the process. My hands are shaking. Before I can begin to dial the numbers, the door to the shop opens. I look over and time stops for a moment.
It’s him.
I know him. By sight and by soul, I know him.
“Uh, hi…are you Ellie?” he stammers.
I recognize him as the same man in my vision and yet different. He is tall with a strong and yet apprehensive presence. His hair is light brown and messy in a way that makes me want to run my fingers through it. But it’s his eyes that draw me in. They are a crystal clear blue. I could be reborn in his eyes.
He’s waiting for me to answer.
“Yeah, that’s me. You must be Declan,” I say shakily. He’s so goddamned familiar. It’s leaving me light-headed and breathless. What’s more is that I can tell in an instant that I am having a similar effect on him.
He walks toward me and sets down the backpack he’s carrying.
“Sorry I’m so early. I wasn’t sure how long it would take me to walk here. This place sure is small. I mean…you know…not that that’s a bad thing of course.” He is definitely nervous. Placing his hands in his pockets he sways slightly back and forth and stares at the floor.
“Oh yeah, it’s really small. We like it that way though,” I say trying to reassure him. Something about his anxiety puts me at ease. I am thankful to be the calmer one for once. “I just have to balance the till and then we can go. Five minutes tops.”
I see him pull his phone out of his pocket to check the time and let my gaze linger on him a moment. I feel like I would have recognized him even without the vision. It’s as if there is a rope from my chest to his. We are unknown and yet bound. There is something safe and lovely about him. My head is light with pockets of air where reason and critical thinking should be.
I take a step and just like that, I see another scene in my mind’s eye.
It’s an assembly room and it seems to be around the year 1800, maybe a few years earlier. That is how it feels. There are candles above and beside me. I am surrounded by light and heat. The people are dressed in the most beautiful clothes, formal and elegant. It’s a party…no, it’s a ball. I am here with my father. The music is divine and so is the wine…
“Ellie? Ellie! Are you ok?”
I open my eyes to see that somehow I am now on the floor and that Declan is holding me, worry plain on his face.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I fall?” I ask bringing a hand to the back of my neck and pushing myself up with the other.
“Yeah, well it was more like you passed out. You slapped your forehead and then you just dropped. I didn’t think people actually did that.” His laugh is nervous as he helps me to my feet. His hands are warm.
“I didn’t either. Do you always have that effect on women?” I cannot believe I am teasing him.
“I didn’t mean…no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. You looked so helpless. I should be trying to make you feel better,” he says shyly, looking away.
“Let’s try this again, ok? I’m Ellie,” I say giving him my hand.
“And I’m Declan. And again, it’s nice to meet you, Ellie.” He takes my hand and just holds it for a moment while studying my face. Eventually, he has to let go and I can still feel the effect of his touch, warm and strong.
I start to close up the shop. Declan pretends to look at the merchandise, but I catch him stealing glances at me. There’s something about his presence that gives me confidence. I sense this man standing six feet away from me is the same man I envisioned from so long ago.
It’s bewildering. I have no idea why any of this is happening and yet I feel safe in the discovery. By showing him around Tobermory I feel I’m at the beginning of a story that began long ago. As silly as it sounds, I begin to feel as if I am meant to be his guide.
This is not what I do though; this is not how I work. Normally I hide; I seek out the comfortable and familiar. Meeting this man, and taking the lead is about as far away from my regular mode of operation as I could possibly allow myself to get.
There is a comfort in the belief that this is somehow divinely written, but then another part of me dislikes giving up that kind of control. I want to know that I could turn around and run home if I wanted to right this second.
Perhaps I could, but I don’t.
Declan and I head into town and I breathe in the cold, misty air. The lake is so near it permeates every molecule of this place. We wear it wherever we go and it cannot be shed. It seems impossible to im
agine not living near the water. I think I would suffocate somehow, as though the sight and sensation of water were necessary to my survival.
Wrapping my scarf around my neck I look over at Declan who is clearly not dressed for November on the Bruce. He flips up the collar of his black jacket and shoves his hands in his pockets. He has sideburns. I hadn’t noticed that before.
His profile is striking. Looking at him head-on you see his youth, a sadness in his eyes and a plea for understanding. From the side however, he appears almost severe, pensive yet incredibly handsome. The sight startles me for a moment.
Searching for distraction and calm, I ask Declan where he lives and if it’s near the water.
“I live in London -Ontario not England in a loft apartment, so no. To tell you the truth, I don’t really like water that much. Pools are ok I guess, but lakes and oceans…I don’t know. I don’t like anything where I can’t see the bottom,” he tells me.
I give him a sympathetic look. “Well, that all depends how shallow the water is usually, I suppose, but our water is pretty clear here.” Declan stares straight ahead. I continue, apparently undaunted by his silence. “So why did you come to Tobermory then?”
His expression is unreadable as he stares down at the ground. “I guess I was looking to escape. Sometimes people…I don’t know. Sometimes I just can’t handle people,” he replies.
I watch him dig his hands deeper into his pockets looking uncomfortable. The wind picks up and rushes loud in my ears. It fills a void between us. Declan shakes his head as if to rid the noise from his ears. It’s an odd thing to do, but I pretend not to notice.
We walk in silence. The thought crosses my mind to reach out and take his hand, but I let it pass. I have to remember that we just met. My heart sinks a little at the reminder that I have so much to learn about him. He’s a stranger to my experience if not to my heart.
Beginning to feel a little ridiculous, I decide to break the quiet by pointing out some landmarks and giving him a little history of Tobermory. This seems to put him at ease, and finally the mood is lightened. I tell him about “The Tugs”, a wreckage of four small tug boats not far from where we are in Little Tub Harbour and explain that Big Tub is on the other side of the peninsula.
“Let’s go up the hill and I can show you the inn. It’s very pretty.” I turn to move up the incline.
“Oh, I know. That’s where Dad and I are staying.”
“Right…of course.” Well, if he doesn’t like water, our tour will be limited to a grocery store, pubs and fish ‘n’ chip joints. “Hey listen, why don’t we go grab a coffee and I can tell you about some things in the area. Though I have to say that if you’re not willing to venture out onto the water, you may become bored pretty quick. Do you like biking or hiking?”
He’s not listening to me. I can tell he wants to say something. I feel my face go red as it dawns on me that I have been babbling. Normally I pride myself on being the observer, the listener in a conversation. It’s an unwanted novelty to be the leader. It makes me want to run.
“Look, it’s totally cool if you’re not up for coffee,” I mumble. He still says nothing. I reach into my purse to check my phone and hope he’ll be the next one to speak. Softly I tell him I have to be somewhere anyway and turn to go.
“Ellie, wait! I’m sorry. I’m acting like a real weirdo here. It’s just…”
“Just what?” I ask looking for an explanation, any explanation that doesn’t end with me being a total nag. “I know we’ve only just met. I’m sorry for talking so much.”
I’m lying of course. We haven’t “just met”, but I’m not ready to discuss that yet. I surprise myself with how hurt my voice sounds. What will I do if this man doesn’t ever want to see me again? That can’t be how this all unfolds. There has to be more to this.
“It’s just…well, I can’t shake the feeling…”
“Yes?”
“I know you, Ellie. It’s not that I ‘know’ you, but I know you…like I remember you. You seem so familiar…your face, the sound of your voice. I can’t explain it, but I just have to tell you and clear the air or I’ll be staring at you all night wanting to tell you.” He looks almost relieved to get this off his chest. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. He felt it too! I’m so excited I want to scream! I feel as though everything has become clear. I feel a message whispering to me in the far reaches of my mind: Help this man, Ellie. Let the visions carry you through this and then you will know what they are for…
“I know you too,” I say with a smile. Grabbing his elbow I yell, “Come on!” and lead him to the Vista Restaurant.
CHAPTER 6
The Vista is where wood panelling and dust-ridden plastic plants go to die, but thankfully, the food is good. Declan and I settle into a booth and order two waters. We’re both buzzing and I am almost giddy. We’re the only patrons here and yet it feels as if we fill the room to overflowing.
I start thinking about what all of this could mean. My whole life has been like a teeter-totter, a series of tiny ups and downs. I was a C student, never athletic, not very artistic. The only things that set me apart from being depressingly average were my visions. Maybe a part of me would have loved to brag to people about them, but I never did.
Here now, sitting before me so innocently was the reason for everything I have seen. And if I can help him, room can be made in my mind for something else. With the visions gone, I can hold space for my own happiness, my own joy.
I text Tynan and ask him to meet us. I want him to meet Declan and to like him. Is that too much to ask? I wonder.
“I’ve never been in this position with a stranger before. It’s a little strange, eh?” My voice is small and excited, like a little girl.
He looks slightly confused. “Um yeah, I’m not sure what you mean exactly, but I am hoping you can tell me how we know each other. Have you been to London? Where did you go to University? It’s driving me nuts!”
I feel sick to my stomach and have to look away from him. He thinks we’ve met before…in this lifetime. He has no idea.
“I didn’t go to University,” I mutter, struggling to think of what to say next. I can’t tell him about the visions. He’ll think I’m crazy and then he won’t ever want to see me again. In that waking dream I felt the love and the longing for the man in the cloak so viscerally. It is clear to me he is here sitting before me once more in different skin, different clothes.
My attraction for him sits in my chest, heavy and ridiculous. He doesn’t know who I am.
“Oh, I see.” Declan looks away for a moment, confused. “Did I say something wrong? You said you knew me too, right? I just wondered where it was we met. It’s ok if you don’t remember.” Declan reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. I want to pull away because I’m so mad at myself for being so stupid. His hand is so warm in spite of his questionable choice to not wear gloves.
I let myself relax.
“Sorry, no. I don’t remember either. We’ll figure it out I’m sure,” I say and silently tell him: Don’t let go.
He flashes me a wide grin that somehow causes his eyes to look bluer and opens his menu. It’s a dangerous feeling, but I am overcome at once by the notion that I would say anything to see him smile like that again. I shiver at the thought and instinctively bring my scarf back up to my neck and wrap it snugly.
Lifting my gaze briefly to his face, I inhale quickly and wonder how I will be able to keep from staring at this man…this ancient love.
Tiny bells ring as the front door opens. It’s Tynan.
He arrives in his usual fashion, messenger bag across his shoulder and head held high in genuine confidence. As he approaches our table, I notice a flicker of recognition between the two men and see Declan blush, clearly uncomfortable.
“Do you two know each other already?” I ask looking at one and then the other.
Tynan ducks under the strap of his bag, removing it and addresses Declan directly. “In a way we do, right, man?�
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Declan shifts in his seat and doesn’t quite make eye contact with anyone. “We bumped into each other the other night over by Big Tub Harbour. It’s no big deal.”
Tynan opens his mouth to say something, but then he seems to reconsider. After a moment he says slowly “It’s good to see you again.” His expression is unreadable as he sits down beside me.
Declan grabs his menu without making eye contact and mutters: “Likewise, man.”
I want to ask what the hell is going on, but I don’t. Neither seems to want to talk about the circumstances of their meeting and to be honest, I’m a bit afraid of what went on between them. The thought that Declan might be gay occurs to me, but if that was it, Tynan would have made it crystal clear to me. He’s always acted like a big brother. He must see Declan as some kind of threat to me, but why? I make a note to myself to talk to him about that later.
“What’s everyone getting? How about a big basket of sweet potato fries; how does that sound?” My voice is way too loud. If the guys didn’t know how uncomfortable I was, they do now.
“Sure Ell, sounds good.” Tynan flashes a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“And I think I might order a Cosmopolitan!” I beam. The static between these two is making me say things I would not normally say.
Tynan rolls his eyes. “How can you drink that syrupy shit? They have a decent Merlot here, you know.”
I roll my eyes right back at him. “I know. I just feel like a Cosmo tonight.”
“I’ll go to the bar and get that for you, Ellie,” offers Declan, obviously relieved to have an excuse to leave the table.
As he gets up to leave, I narrow my eyes at Tynan and cross my arms. He looks innocently at me and shrugs.
“What’s going on?” I whisper.
“I think I could ask you the same thing, Suellen.” Tynan’s tone is now that of a father’s. I’m not amused.
“None of your business, Mr. Malpass.”
“Oh really? Then why am I here? Admit it, Ellie, you wanted my approval.” His voice smacks of so much self-assurance that I want to grab his ear and twist it. Tynan brings out the child in me sometimes.
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