Nothing to do up here but surrender, he mused to himself. Louisa was so good at that. She adapted to any situation in a heartbeat, with grace and ease and without a word of complaint. William raked his fingers through his hair. How was it he was unable to think of nothing else but her? He wanted her in every way. She was so incredibly close and yet painfully out of reach.
Could he propose to her? What would she say? She did not wish to marry. No, what was it she had said? She did not wish to be under the control of a man. Yes, that was it. William knew he would not do that to her. He could not crush her spirit thus.
And yet she did not need him. Indeed, she was in the rare position of needing no man. Possessing both a father willing to leave her his fortune and the wherewithal to manage it, she was as independent as any woman could ever hope to be. He could offer her nothing but his love and fervent devotion. He breathed a heavy sigh. It would only be worth something to her if she loved him back. Who could tell? She was so kind to all she met, though she did not have to be. He had never before witnessed someone who could treat a servant as an equal and yet have her distinction of rank remain intact. He was humbled by her.
“You are terribly cruel, sir!” William turned quickly to see Sir Thomas amble toward him, bent over and out of breath.
“Sir Thomas! Are you alright?” William shouted and ran to the elder gentleman.
“I am well, lad. What are you doing up here? I believe I asked you to stay in the kitchen. Our dear Louisa wishes to see you. Shall you keep the lady waiting?”
“No indeed, sir. You are certain you are well?” asked William helping Sir Thomas to stand upright.
“Yes, Mr. Mara. I am well. Go to her. I am well.” He looked out over the Cliffside as if seeing it, really seeing it for the first time. “This is a favourite spot of hers is it not?” he asked absent-mindedly.
“I believe it is, sir.” He waited until Sir Thomas spoke again before he made to leave.
“Yes, well, she is waiting,” he said softly and turned to walk to the cliff’s edge. “I will stay up here for a few moments. Send Edward up if you like. Either way, I shall be fine.”
“As you wish, sir,” replied William. He would indeed send Edward. He did not trust the winds of Tobermory. They seemed to have a mind all of their own.
Louisa
She heard him enter the room before she saw him. She wanted just to listen for a moment, to hear his movements and the sound of him breathing. She wanted to feel the shift in the atmosphere of the room with every step he took. He had a presence that commanded attention, an intensity that longed to be eased. Louisa heard William sit down beside her and release a long-held breath. After a moment, he shifted his chair closer to her bed and touched her hand lightly.
“William?” she whispered as she opened her eyes.
He looked up at her, eyes shining. “I am here, madam,” he declared. “Tell me, are you well?”
She smiled. “I am very well indeed, sir. I thank you. I am especially so now that you have come”
He looked away for a moment. “I am glad to hear it.”
She cocked her head slightly to observe him more closely. “Are you glad that I am well, or that I feel better because you are here?”
William tugged at his cravat and cleared his throat. “I…” He paused and then said quickly, “What was that dog?”
At this Louisa laughed out loud. “I hardly know, William! He followed alongside me as I walked into town earlier this afternoon. He took it upon himself to protect me I think. And as I ran from the village to home during the storm, there he was again. I am much indebted to him, you know,” she said studying his face. “Are you upset, sir? Your eyes are red.”
He swallowed hard. “I am not upset.”
“I see. Well, I wanted to thank you for your great service to me.” It was clear he was uncomfortable. She did not want to do anything that would make him more so.
William leaned back in his chair, and removed his hand from hers. “It was nothing Louisa, I assure you. When I asked Janey where you were, she replied that you had gone to the village. Seeing the weather, I asked Edward to accompany in searching for you. I only wanted to ensure your safety,” he replied evenly.
“And that you did. I am in one piece as you see.” Her tone was light while his look was heavy. He looked down at her and his gaze seemed to take in her entire body at once. She shivered and he looked away. “William, have I done something to cause offense?” He shook his head. “This is not going the way I had imagined!” she declared with a laugh. “Will you not look at me?”
“Louisa” He exhaled loudly, painfully and leaned closer to her. “I hardly know what to say to you! If I were a gentleman, if I were your equal…” he trailed off.
“If? Sir, how many times must I tell you? You are my equal in every way that matters!” She placed her hands on either side of his face. “What is it, William?”
He lowered his head and began his tale. He told her of the origins of his father, an Irish Nobleman and his mother, a chambermaid from Manchester. His speech was hot with shame, as if it burnt him to utter every word.
“My father turned his back on his family and was disinherited because of it. I grew up in poverty because of his stubbornness and my mother’s unwillingness to release him.”
Louisa listened with an open heart. William was still hurting over his childhood. She wanted only to comfort him. Sitting up, she placed her hand on his arm. “You judge them harshly. Your father turned his back on his family? I’m sure it was the other way around, William. Your parents, they passed away when you were quite young if I am not mistaken?” she asked.
“Indeed, they died within days of each other when I was twelve years old,” he replied looking down at the floor.
“Again, I am so very sorry.” She squeezed his arm gently, willing him to look at her. And then a thought occurred to her. “William, you never did mention, how did you know my mother was from Mull?”
He raised his head swiftly; his face blanched at the question. “Did I not?”
She shook her head.
With hesitation he proceeded to tell her that his mother had worked for a few months at the Boyle home in London. William explained that his mother had observed Mary Boyle from afar and thought her most kind. And then one day, his mother had fallen down the stairs accidentally while carrying linens. Mary had heard her cries and rushed to help her. She insisted on staying with her until the doctor arrived to examine her, and while she waited she had related stories of her beloved Scottish Isle; of fairies and spectres and ghosts. Shortly after the incident, Mary was betrothed to Sir Thomas and William’s mother obtained a new position at the London home of the Maras.
Louisa delighted in knowing that their two mothers had met and had shared such a moment. Would they both be happy to see them now? Would they encourage Louisa and William to further their acquaintance? She felt certain that her mother would. At the mention of his father’s family, Louisa had a question, “And the Maras, do they know of your existence?”
William eyes turned cold as he said forcefully. “They do not and they never shall. What would be the point, so that I may be an object of their derision? No, I have made a life for myself. I do not need them.”
She blinked at him. “So, you like being alone William? I know we are very merry here the three of us, and Janey and Edward too, of course. What will you do when it is time for my father and me to return to London? Will you stay here in Tobermory?”
William’s mouth tightened, his eyes grew cold. “I do not yet know. I will have to stay here for a few months at least, after your father has gone.” The bite in his voice still remained.
“I do not like to think of you all by yourself,” she said softly. His eyes remained fixed on the floor. “If it were up to me William, you would never be alone again.”
He would not look her in the eye. “Yes, well I thank you for your concern, but as it happens, solitude suits me. I shall never marry, if that i
s what you are alluding to. I saw what that kind of dependence did to my parents.”
“I did not mean to imply…”
“You implied nothing. I am simply stating that I will never put myself in a position of such reliance. It is pathetic.” He nearly spat the words as he said them.
Tears came to her eyes as she listened to him. She had not realized how angry he was. And that much of his anger was directed at the people who had given him life was very troubling to Louisa.
Seeing that she was close to weeping, he rose to leave. “I have upset you. I am sorry. It was not my intention,” he said quickly and quit the room.
Louisa tried to get up to go after him, but found she could not. She sighed forcefully in pain and frustration.
It had not gone well.
CHAPTER 26
Ellie
“Three, two, one, and when you are ready Ellie, you can open your eyes to the room,” says Mrs. Dawes softly.
I open my eyes slowly and sit up. Scanning the room, I see no one but Mrs. Dawes. The disappointment is surely plain on my face.
“He was here, love. He’s waiting for you outside. I think this was a lot for him. He arrived just after you went under and so he heard everything.”
I stand up and put on my coat and scarf. My hands are shaking. “Should I go after him?”
Mrs. Dawes walks over to me and takes my chin in her hand, smiling. Her glittery pink scarf clashes softly with her bright red hair. “Of course you should.”
My chin is quivering beneath her grasp. “He wasn’t ready…”
She rolls her eyes, a sign I’m taking this all too seriously. “You don’t need me to do this anymore, Ellie. It’s becoming a bit of a dog and pony show anyway. You can remember all of this on your own. Louisa is with you; she is you. You can access her love and guidance at any time because they are yours,” she says gently, placing her hands on my shoulders. “This has always been her. It’s a part of your mind that is tenderly calling you to wake up. This is not about Declan or William. It’s not even about your parents. This is about you waking up to your true nature. Sometimes we need these mystical experiences. They act as a reminder that there is more than this…more than this world of seeming joy and perceived pain. Listen Ellie; listen to that inner guidance. You may not hear it perfectly every time, but if you are willing to listen you will know what is yours to do in any situation most of the time. That is how you will heal and learn to let go.”
I hug her. Even though I am not clear on everything she was saying, I know that clarity will come. I so want to be fearless and I wonder: is my willingness enough?
A gentle whisper comes: Yes, it is everything.
The chill of the air hits me like a brick wall and yet the sun is so bright above me I am temporarily blinded. It’s as if the weather is conspiring against me. Looking from side to side, I cannot see him.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath and hear: he is in the alley behind the dive shop.
Running toward the shop I know that he will be there. I am sure of it and it occurs to me that Louisa is teaching me this. She, a part of me, is speaking to me through these memories, reminding me of what is possible. She reminds me that my life is not a mystery to be solved, but a tapestry to be unfolded and learned from. The people in my life will teach me everything I need to know. That is why they are here. And though they seem separate, they merely represent parts of me, fragments. It is up to me to piece them together and remember we are the same.
I approach the alley and of course, Declan is there. He looks up at me and I know what we have to do.
“Hey,” I say.
His look is unreadable, but I know he’s not angry with me. There’s heat between us despite the weather and I wonder if I’ll ever get used to it. Will I be given the chance to?
“I’m so sorry.” My voice is high, unsure.
He looks down at his feet and shuffles them. I know he doesn’t know what to say.
Reaching out to touch his arm I tell him, “I don’t want to talk about what happened. I want to take you for a hike. It’s cold as hell today, but the sun is out and we can keep each other warm. Let’s explore.”
He smiles with relief and stands up, pulling me to him. “That sounds amazing. Where are you taking me?”
The words are spoken with as much mischief as I can muster, “The Devil’s Monument!”
The sky’s ceiling is low and grey as we pull onto Dyer’s Bay Road. Declan has barely spoken a word and I decide that maybe silence is best for now. He stares out the window of my rusty, old Ford Ranger and I wonder what he is thinking. I desperately want to know if he identifies at all with William or if it all sounds like some far-fetched fairy tale. My intuition says he will tell me in his own time.
Winding our way down East Road, I think about how long it has been since I’ve been out here. I was in high school and came out here with a boy to fool around. Why we felt we needed to go further into the middle of nowhere I cannot recall.
“So that regression thing was kind of weird,” says Declan quietly.
He’s still staring out the window, but I take this as my opening. “I can see how it seemed strange. Did it bring back anything for you? Do you remember being William at all?” I ask. I am trying to sound casual, but it’s not easy. Right now, there is nothing I want more than to be able to share all of this with him.
“No, but it didn’t seem unlikely. I don’t know anything about this past life stuff, but I see how it makes a kind of sense. It also helps explain to me how you seemed so familiar. I’m just not sure how I knew what you would look like. How was I able to draw those pictures before I knew you?”
“I don’t know, Declan. Maybe it was like a premonition? I mean, if we can see backward, maybe we can see forward as well?” I say, trying to be helpful. It all seems so foggy and difficult to explain. I want to tell him that the clarity comes from faith, but that seems so vague too. All I can do is trust my intuition.
“Yeah, I don’t know…can’t analyze it. I believe you, but I want to see for myself. I’ve made a decision. I want Mrs. Dawes to regress me,” he says.
I pull to the side of the road; stop the car and turn to look him straight in the eye. “Declan, are you sure? There’s no guarantee it will work. You may not see that lifetime; you may not see anything!”
“I want to try. I want to see what you see…even if it’s not exactly the same pictures. I want to know what you’re experiencing.” He sounds serious. Who am I to tell him he can’t?
“Ok, let’s do it. We’ll meet her at the store first thing in the morning. Now are you ready to hike?” I ask, clapping my hands. He smiles at me in a way that tells me he loves seeing me so happy. “It’s not very far. I just have to drive us down this one-lane road and then we’ll get out and it’s about three miles from there. November is a great time to see Devil’s Monument because the leaves are off the trees.”
We walk down the muddy trail, hand-in-hand. I slip in the mud and curse myself for not wearing my hiking boots. We could walk on the stones, but most are covered in moss. As if reading my mind, Declan whispers to me that he’ll catch me if I fall.
I let him walk ahead of me a bit so that I can look at him. I suppress the urge to come up behind him and pull him to me. I want to be overwhelmed by his skin and his strength. A breeze blows past us and I catch his scent: leather and incense. Heaven.
We reach a fork in the trail and decide to follow the right side of the trail because it’s shorter. I grasp his hand and lead the way. His hand is enough for now.
All of a sudden we both hear a rustling in the trees up ahead, followed by a deep growl. I squeeze Declan’s hand and we both freeze. We watch in horror as an enormous white dog comes out from the trees baring his teeth and growling. Declan pulls me to him. I let out a scream.
“Shh…” he whispers sharply and draws me as close to him as possible.
I had heard that there was a wild dog on the trail, but I had never seen him befor
e. It never even occurred to me we would run into him. My thoughts are racing, trying to remember: had it ever attacked anyone?
That voice whispers: You felt safe in coming here.
I am safe.
“I think we can run. I don’t think he’ll chase us,” I say slowly.
“You run, Ellie. I’ll make sure he doesn’t go after you.”
My eyes are fixed on the dog as I tell him, “We can make it. You have to trust me.” I feel rather than see him nod. “On the count of three.”
On three, we are off. Racing back through the trail, we don’t skip a beat. Regardless of our shoes and mossy steps, neither of us slips. The dog doesn’t follow us, but that doesn’t slow us down. We run the whole way back and collapse into each other against my truck. We are safe, laughing and exhilarated.
A look of intensity takes over Declan’s face and suddenly he’s not smiling anymore. His hands are in my hair and his mouth is claiming mine with desperation. I grasp him back, tightly. His emotions become his body. His sadness is in his kiss; his fear in his hands, his longing in his chest. I pull back for a breath of air.
“Sorry,” he says quietly, breathless.
“Don’t, don’t be.”
He takes me by the hand to the passenger seat and buckles me in. “I’ll drive us back, ok?”
I nod, “Ok.”
“I knew we’d be fine,” he tells me as we drive away. I look at him and smile. I know I don’t have to tell him I felt it too. He knows.
We decide to get something to eat and I text Tynan to meet us at Haddock’s for fish ‘n’ chips and beer.
It’s high time for some fun.
CHAPTER 27
Without Fear of Falling Page 14