She could sense the sadness that enveloped him. His grip tightened. “But why do you feel a need to hide from me?”
He was pushing her to be honest. Well, that was a two-way street. And he wasn’t going to like her answer. “Maybe because I’m not the only one who’s hiding something.”
Direct hit. He flinched and his gaze shifted to a point just past her shoulder.
Obviously her instincts were right. He wasn’t being completely honest with her, either. Ever since the day he’d given her the Starhawke, she’d questioned his motivations. And his change in behavior since they’d landed seemed to underscore the fact that there was a lot more to the story than he’d led her to believe. He was hiding something. His internal conflict was as tangible to her as his warm skin.
Which meant it was finally time to ask the question she’d been dancing around for months.
“What’s the real reason you gave me the Starhawke?”
His gaze snapped to hers, his eyes widening. He clearly hadn’t expected that question. And he was working just as hard as she was to conceal his emotions. She could feel it.
“You know why.”
No way was she letting him off that easily. The time for evasion was over. For both of them. She needed an answer. “No, I don’t. Not really.” If he was going to make her bare her soul, he was going to bare his, too. “Jonarel, I have to know. What exactly do you want from me?”
A tornado of sensation swirled around her as his emotions broke free, but rather than giving her insight, it was a tangled jumble she couldn’t decipher, full of chaos and contradictory information. She frowned, trying to get a fix on something…anything…that would provide her with a starting point. And then he gave her one.
Releasing his hold on her waist with his left arm, he sank his fingers into the braid at the back of her neck, pulled her flush against his body, and kissed her.
Whatever she’d been expecting, it sure as hell hadn’t been that! In all the years they’d been friends, she’d been in countless situations where she’d sensed Jonarel’s thoughts and emotions with regards to her went beyond friendship. But he’d never made the slightest move. Until now.
His lips settled over hers with assurance, but without force. In fact, she sensed that the slightest indication of reluctance from her would end the kiss. For a millisecond she considered doing just that. But curiosity got the better of her. She’d wanted an answer, and he was definitely giving her one.
Relaxing the tension that had gathered in her shoulders when he’d startled her, she shifted her arms so that she could wind her hands behind his neck, the silky strands of his thick hair brushing against her fingers. He pulled her in tighter and changed the angle to deepen the kiss. She let him, opening her mouth when he brushed her lips with his tongue.
But despite the pleasurable sensations his touch created, and the sensual nature of the embrace, she couldn’t turn off her analytical side and enjoy the moment. Instead, she observed the interaction from an emotional distance, like she was having an out-of-body experience. Which made it impossible to tune into how she felt.
She loved Jonarel. That was never in any doubt. And she knew he loved her with equal devotion. Hell, he’d used his succession money to create a ship and then he’d given it to her without asking for anything in return. It was hard to imagine a clearer declaration of unconditional love than that. Building a future with him made perfect sense.
However, something kept tripping her internal alarms. She had no idea why, but until she figured it out, she couldn’t allow things to go any further. She pulled back, ending the kiss.
He lifted his head, and they stared at each other as the emotional whirlwind faded away. He kept his arms around her in a loose grip but allowed her to put some distance between their bodies.
“We should go.”
The look in his eyes was impossible to read. Then again, he probably wouldn’t be able to make any sense of the look in hers, either. He’d forced her hand, and then she’d forced his. She’d hoped for clarity. Instead, she’d ended up more muddled than before.
“Very well.”
He helped her onto the glider and secured the harness, then stepped up behind her. They set off, moving slowly through the trees, the shadows growing thicker as the sun continued its trek toward the horizon. Her feel for the glider had definitely improved, and she was able to anticipate the shifts he made as they wove their way toward the Clarek compound. Her feel for Jonarel, however, was blown to pieces.
What now? The question of Jonarel’s ultimate intentions was answered, but regardless of whether she wanted the same thing or not, it still presented more problems than solutions. Had he created the Starhawke with the idea that they would try to raise a family together while exploring the galaxy? She wasn’t even certain whether genetically that was an option. To her knowledge, no Kraed had ever taken a non-Kraed as a mate, so children might be impossible.
The more she pondered the interchange and the kiss, the more convinced she became that revealing the depth of his feelings was only one of many secrets he was holding. That meant she needed to be careful about making assumptions until she had more pieces of the puzzle in place.
By the time they returned to the practice arena, she’d worked herself into a mental tangle that left her on edge. She unsnapped the harness and stepped down before he had a chance to help her. It wasn’t a good idea to have him touch her right now.
“Thank you for the lesson,” she said as he stowed the glider on the rack. “And the tour. It was lovely.”
He nodded, his eyes devoid of emotion. “You are welcome.”
They stood facing each other for several long moments, the awkward silence becoming more oppressive with each breath. Her brain finally latched onto a neutral topic. “Celia and your father were scheduled to spar this afternoon. We might still be able to watch if we hurry.”
She turned toward the stairway, but paused when he didn’t move to join her. Instead, he stood like a statue carved in stone. “Are you coming?”
He shook his head. “I will see you tonight.”
She licked her suddenly dry lips. This wasn’t how she wanted to leave things with him. “Oh. Okay.” She needed to say something, do something, before they slid into the chasm that was opening between them. But she had no idea what. “Thanks again.” That was the best she could come up with. The words sounded as weak and pathetic to her as they must have to him.
And for the first time since they’d met, she felt relief as she walked away.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
AURORA WAS AVOIDING HIM.
Jonarel tracked Aurora and Mya’s movements as they circulated through the throng in the clan lodge. Aurora looked stunning in a blue dress with thin shoulder straps that made her pale skin and golden hair glow like moonlight. Mya wore a dress in a similar color but with dark accents that matched her hair. Both garments had been gifts from his mother, who had provided attire for the entire crew for the evening’s event.
Aurora and Mya had greeted him when they had first arrived, but Aurora had quickly excused herself to go thank his mother for the dress, dragging Mya with her. Mya’s behavior indicated Aurora had not told her about the incident in the forest, but the looks Mya had given him throughout the evening showed that she was aware of the unusual tension.
When the music had started after the meal and dancers had filled the open floor, Aurora had kept herself on the opposite side of the room whenever he moved toward her. The rest of the crew, however, appeared to be enjoying the festivities. Cardiff was engaged in a lively discussion with his father, who bore a few bruises on his face from their sparring match earlier in the day. To the shock of his clan but not the Starhawke crew, his father had lost.
Kire had talked Kelly into joining him on the dance floor, where they were being given a quick lesson by the other dancers. The normally placid navigator was grinning as much as Kire as they stumbled through the intricate steps. Apparently spending the day touring
the clan’s ships had unlocked a part of Kelly’s personality that she normally kept tucked away.
Tehar appeared at his side. “Aurora has returned to the ship. She told me she was fine, but her behavior indicates otherwise. Is there a problem?”
How to answer that question? Tehar had admitted to him on numerous occasions that she found Aurora’s behavior confusing. Well, so did he. And that left them both in a quandary.
She rested her ghostly hand on his arm. “Jonarel? What is bothering you?”
Her touch held no more substance than light, but it soothed him nonetheless. “I made a mistake this afternoon. And I upset her.”
“Can you apologize?”
“An apology would not help.”
Tehar frowned. “Are you certain?”
“Yes.”
“Then what will you do?”
He sighed. “Give her time.”
“And if the problem remains?” The look she gave him reminded him of his mother.
“Then perhaps I will apologize.”
“Excellent idea.” She placed her palm against his cheek in the Nirunoc equivalent of a hug.
As her image dissolved, he spotted Mya making her way toward him. He met her halfway.
“Are you going to join the dancing?” she asked as the musicians switched to a slower melody.
“It does not hold much interest for me.” Especially now that Aurora had left. But Mya might enjoy it. “Are you looking for a partner? I am happy to teach you the steps if you would like.”
Mya made a face. “Trust me, no one wants to see me dance. It’s not pretty.” She fanned herself with her open palm. “But I could use some fresh air. Care to join me?” She indicated the archway to their left.
“Of course.” Her suggestion was obviously a ruse, since the lodge was temperature controlled and the outside air was not, but it was a welcome distraction. Talking to Mya might provide him with valuable insight regarding the situation with Aurora.
They strolled under the gently swaying branches of the trees, the breeze ruffling Mya’s hair and carrying her familiar rose scent his way. He breathed it in, allowing her nearness to calm his agitation.
He led the way to one of his favorite spots in the compound, a covered platform overlooking the waterways below. The light from the lodge cast a warm glow on the alcove while still giving them the privacy of the shadows. He had spent many happy hours here as a child, studying every science manual he could get his hands on and dreaming of building the most amazing starship ever created.
Of course, at the time, he had not known he would be giving that ship to someone else. But he did not regret his decision. The ship was made for Aurora. In every way that mattered, it was hers and hers alone.
Mya sat on one of the carved benches and he settled next to her. She folded her hands in her lap. “So tell me what happened with Aurora.”
Leave it to Mya to get right to the point. It was a quality he cherished. “I kissed her.”
Mya drew in a sharp breath. “What?”
“I kissed her,” he repeated.
Mya blinked once…twice…three times as she stared at him. Then she snapped her mouth shut and swallowed. “I see. And how did Aurora react?”
That was a harder question. “I am not certain.” He believed that Aurora was attracted to him. She had looked at him with open appreciation on numerous occasions since their Academy days, though never with the heat of passion. And that was the problem. The deep love and affection of a friend was one thing. He wanted her to desire him as a lover.
Mya frowned. “What do you mean you’re not certain? Did she kiss you back?”
“Yes.”
When he failed to elaborate, Mya made a rolling motion with her hand. “And?”
And…Aurora’s response had confused him. At first, he had startled her, but that had passed and she had relaxed into his arms and responded to his touch. At least, for a little while. Then her emotional wall had gone up. “She seemed to enjoy it.”
Mya’s frown deepened. “Really?”
A growl rumbled up from his chest. “Yes, really.” He glared at her and she held her hands up, palms out.
“Sorry. That came out wrong. I know most women would be thrilled to be kissed by you.”
That was good to hear. His battered ego needed a little reassurance right now.
“But if that’s true, I don’t understand why she’s so upset.”
He tilted his head back and gazed at the canopy. “I am not certain, either. But right before I kissed her, she asked me what I wanted from her.” When Mya did not respond, he glanced at her. She looked like she was biting her tongue to keep from saying what was on her mind. “I know what you are thinking.”
“I doubt it.”
“I never should have kissed her in the first place.”
Mya’s dark brows lifted slightly. “Why not?”
“Because if we are to be together, she needs to be the one to initiate it.”
“Why?”
Because forcing her into a choice she does not want will destroy us both. But he could not tell Mya that. Or Aurora. Admitting it to himself was difficult enough. The path that was laid before him was treacherous, and he hated where it was leading.
“Jonarel?”
She was still waiting for an answer. As he gazed into her warm brown eyes, his mind flipped back to a discussion they had had while they were still at the Academy. Aurora had just started dating Cade Ellis, and her infatuation with the man had made Jonarel’s life a living hell.
He had been seriously considering stating his intentions as he had today in order to get her attention, and he had broached the idea to Mya. She had listened with patience and understanding while he had catalogued all the reasons Ellis did not deserve Aurora. Then she had gently reminded him that it was Aurora’s choice to make, not his.
But the reality was not nearly that simple. It never had been. His father had made that clear. “I want her to choose me.”
Now Mya was gazing at him with that same look of compassion she had had ten years ago. “I can understand that.” She clasped his hand gently in her own. “But what if she chooses someone else?”
He growled, louder this time. Over the past few weeks, he had been able to convince himself that the possibility of Aurora returning to Cade Ellis was remote. But he remembered the way Aurora had looked at Ellis. And the way Ellis had looked at her.
Today in the forest, Aurora had responded to his kiss, but she had not looked at him that way. Not even close.
And he needed to draw that response out of her. Soon. So much depended on it. Because if he failed, he was not certain just how far his father would go to insure Aurora would become a permanent part of the Clarek clan. And he did not want to find out.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
AURORA FELT like a snapping turtle on a rampage.
Her crew had given her looks as she’d stalked around the ship this morning in preparation for departure. Her foul mood reflected her roiling thoughts, but so far, her friends had kept their questions to themselves. She’d retreated to her office as soon as she could, desperate for some emotional sanity.
She dropped her head against the padded surface of her chair as she gazed out the starport. Normally she’d see the calming glitter of starlight, but the ship was still docked at the Clarek compound. She was staring at an opaque collage of brown and green tree limbs.
Kire was on the bridge, coordinating with the crew of the Rowkclarek, who would transport the members of the Clarek clan who would be helping build the settlement. Kelly was also on the bridge, deep in discussion with Star about the launch sequence for leaving the compound.
Celia was doing a final check of supplies in the cargo bay, and Mya was in the greenhouse, integrating the new specimens she and Celia had acquired during their outing with the Clarek botanists the day before.
That left Jonarel. Thankfully, he’d made himself scarce, remaining on the lower decks where they were less like
ly to run into each other.
Avoiding him was stupid. And childish. It also wasn’t a behavior she could indulge forever. She had a ship to command and a mission to undertake. But she didn’t have a clue what she was going to say to him.
They’d been friends for more than ten years, and he’d never made any kind of move. Then suddenly they’d arrived on Drakar and he’d hauled her into a liplock. How the hell had he expected her to respond? But it wasn’t entirely his fault. She’d been the one to ask the fateful question that had set him off. She just hadn’t liked his answer.
She sighed. Might as well focus on something productive. Tapping the controls on her desk, she brought up the message she’d received from Cade that morning.
A –
Building a greenhouse to keep everyone occupied. Translators working well. Healing continues.
C –
A greenhouse. What a brilliant idea. No matter where Cade had taken the Lumians, it was unlikely they’d have much freedom of movement while they were in hiding. Constructing a greenhouse would provide them with a focus and a food source.
Cade’s comments also underscored the urgency to get the settlement completed. Despite his assurance that all was well, she detected a subtle tension in the short message. Supervising three hundred refugees was hardly in his regular job description. She’d definitely need to thank him the next time they saw each other.
And she was really looking forward to that day. Probably way more than she should.
That was the other sticking point that had contributed to her foul mood. Thinking about yesterday’s encounter with Jonarel had conjured the memory of another kiss, one that had taken place on a moonlit beach on Gaia. But that memory didn’t stir up feelings of confusion and agitation. No, it grabbed hold of her and pulled her into a whirlpool of rich and intoxicating emotions—passion, excitement, desire, connection.
The Chains of Freedom (Starhawke Rising Book 2) Page 9