by J. M. Witt
When we walked out of the restaurant, I swore that I saw Derek across the street. My heart started hammering in my chest. The traffic was heavy considering the time of day and everyone who was out doing last minute Christmas shopping. When the traffic cleared I focused on the figure across the street, but he, it, was gone. I was losing it.
“Jane, you ok?” James was trying to get my attention as Calvin and Cassidy were chatting.
“What? Yea, sorry. Thought I saw someone.”
“You’re white as a ghost. Who did you think you saw?” He was too damn perceptive as he asked, “Derek?”
“No, it couldn’t be. I’m just exhausted! I’m sure it was nobody.”
“Ok, if you say so.” He hugged me goodbye and we split off and went our separate ways.
Cal pulled out of the diner and turned in the opposite direction of home. “Where you going?”
“I know a secret spot and I want you again…in the snow.” I gawked at him as he drove to the same alcove we were at all those weeks prior. I reached for the radio and he gently smacked my hand away. “No you don’t.”
“Oh, my GOD! Can you please pick something NOT country?” I was giving him a hard time and he knew it.
“Alright, relax.” Flashing those dimples at me he fiddled with the playlist before It Girl by Jason Derulo came on.
“Did you pick this song?” He just shrugged his shoulders and started singing along. He never ceased to surprise me. Maybe he wasn’t ALL country. Thoughts of possibly seeing Derek were the furthest thing from my mind after that.
C hapter Twenty One
~ CALVIN ~
We made love again in the truck, at what I know considered our secret spot. Once we got home we set the tree on the porch and went inside to pull out what little decorations I had. I pulled out the one box I had.
“Where’s the rest?” She had her hands on her hips and was disappointed when she realized I didn’t have any more. We went through the box which contained ornaments from my childhood. “Ok, the trees probably ready to come in. Where’s the stand?”
I just looked at her dumbfounded. “Umm…”
“Calvin Charles, you’ve never put up a tree have you?” Shaking my head at her she started shaking hers back. “Men. Alright, well I guess it’ll have to wait until tomorrow.”
The next day I got home from running errands, including getting a tree stand, to find her in a t-shirt of mine and boy shorts dancing around the living room with the radio blaring. She was shaking her money maker to Talk Dirty by Jason Derulo and 2Chainz. I put my items down and just watched her do her thing. The girl had moves; of course I already knew that. I watched as she bent low, flipped her hair and shook her booty from one side to the other in perfect harmony to the beat.
She turned around, still shaking her ass and I noted her eyes were closed. She spun around a couple more times and then the song ended. She jumped a foot off the floor as I started clapping and she turned to see me applauding her efforts.
“Next time you want to do that just let me know and I’ll stop and pick up some singles first.”
She was flushed as she said, “I think it’s worth more than a few singles!”
“Bet your ass it is.” I pulled her to me for a kiss and she pulled away too soon.
“Did you get the tree stand?” She headed toward the bags I’d placed by the front door. “Perfect. Let’s start setting it up.” I groaned and she pouted in return. Batting her eyelashes she said, “Please!” I couldn’t tell her no.
~ JANE ~
I was fiddling with iTunes and Cal’s iPod a few days before our planned family Christmas party. I had decided to create a playlist for him. The list included some of my favorite non-country songs that reminded me of him, or me, and how I felt about him, in some form or fashion. Some were newer songs, others older, and some obscure ones too. Hearing the front door close I hurriedly closed my laptop and put his iPod back on the dresser. I heard his steps thump up the steps and I met him at the top of the stairway.
“What’s the look for? What are you up to Jane?” He was a couple steps below me and we were nearly eye level with each other.
“I’m not up to anything. What are you up to?” I put my hands on my hips and challenged him with my gaze. He was still in full uniform today and it was sexy as hell. “Whooop.” He’d thrown me over his shoulder before I had a chance to react.
“You’re coming with me.”
He dropped me to the bed and when I pushed all my hair out of my face, he was standing there with handcuffs in one hand and a devious look on his face.
“What are those for?”
“To hold you against me. What else?”
“I don’t think so.” I suddenly wasn’t sure I liked the idea of being restrained even though we’d both joked about it.
“Don’t you trust me?” He was smiling and I was completely freaking out. “Jane? What’s going on?”
“Sorry. It’s not you I don’t trust.” He started pacing, the anger burning in him. “Cal, I’m sorry.”
“God dammit, Jane. I’m not HIM. When are you going to open up to me?” I flinched at his harsh tone and moved up to the head of the bed.
“I know you’re not him. I, it, I just. I’m sorry.”
“Stop fucking apologizing and tell me what he did. You said he cheated. Did he cheat on you with a friend? I don’t understand why you won’t just tell me what happened.”
My voice cracked, “I can’t tell you. It hurts too much.”
“What could possibly hurt so much that you can’t tell me? You said you loved me, yet you don’t trust me with anything. I won’t hurt you, baby doll.” He got on his knees and was leaning on the bed beside me. “Please.” It was too late. I’d already shut down.
He got up and moved to sit at the end of the bed. I was curled up in a ball at the head of the bed, frozen. I totally shut him out. I don’t know how long we sat like that, both waiting for the other to say something. I’d rarely seen him raise his voice and never to me. I didn’t know what it was that I did to set him off. It had to be more than not wanting him to use handcuffs on me.
The messed up thing was that I had picked up my Christmas gift for him earlier today. In that album of pictures were ones of me in cuffs. He wanted me to open up about what happened with Derek. How could I tell him all the horrible things that Derek did to me? It was better, dead and buried in my past. Derek was out of my life and I was going to do everything I could to keep Cal in it.
At that moment Cal stood up and said, “Right.” And then he walked out of the bedroom after he snatched his iPod off the dresser. I heard him walk into the workout room, shuffle a few things around, and then stomp down the stairs and out the front door.
I jumped off the bed and ran to the workout room. We’d put a small dresser in there to put all our workout clothes in. One of the drawers was open and his duffle bag was gone. I had to assume that he was heading to the gym.
Why couldn’t I just tell him? How much did I dare tell him? I started freaking out and curled up in a ball on the bed. Sometime later he still hadn’t come home. I grabbed my cell phone and tried to call him. He didn’t answer. I decided to send him a text.
I’m sorry baby. Please come home. ~J
I didn’t get a response. My shift at work started soon. I took a quick shower, got my scrubs on and waited as late as I could for him to come home. I left a note for him on the counter.
Cal, I do love you. Please be patient
with me. I want to tell you everything,
I do. I’m just not ready. ~Jane
Getting in my car, I pulled out of the drive slowly as my eyes darted up and down the street looking for his truck. He was nowhere in sight. I hated leaving things this way between us. I could only hope that he called me sometime tonight and that I was able to take his call.
C hapter Twenty Two
~ CALVIN ~
She curled up on the bed like she was afraid of me. I was too stupid to put
the pieces together. Convinced that she didn’t trust me or love me, and that’s why she wouldn’t open up about Derek. I had to leave before I said anything I was going to regret. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you. I felt like telling my conscience to fuck off.
“Right.” I stood up, grabbed my iPod and headed to my workout room. Shit. I still hadn’t found a spot for my bag and I needed to hit something. I packed my bag, deciding I was going to go to the gym, and walked out without saying another word to her.
~<>~<>~<>~
I got to the gym and grunted my hello to the desk attendant. I was still in my uniform, minus my gun, and I could get in trouble for being in uniform after my shift. Throwing my uniform in the bag, I threw on a tank and shorts before putting my sneakers on.
Walking to the far corner of the gym, where the ring was, along with heavy bags, punching bags, and freestanding bags, I found a free heavy bag and went to town. A short time later my old partner, Frank, came over. We frequented the same gym so it was no surprise to see him here.
“How’s it going man?” I just nodded. “That good, huh?”
“Not in the mood Frank.”
“I can see that. Girl trouble?”
I put in another good punch before grabbing my towel and wiping my face. “What’s it to you?” He could tell I was irritated and he was just being friendly. Friendly Frank is what we all called him.
“Sorry man, just trying to help.”
“Holy shit! Calvin, Calvin Charles?”
I recognized the voice and turned to see Paul Vincent standing in front of me. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He looked the same as he did when I saw him last, just more tats and more piercings, which didn’t surprise me. We were both sporting more ink than we were the last time we saw each other. What the hell was he doing in town?
“Damn, brother. You’re looking good man. How’ve you been?”
He stretched out his hand and we shook hands, exchanging the same handshake routine we created in the Army. “I’m good man. How are you doing? What are you doing here?”
“I took a job for a local investor, who’s an old friend. What are you up to these days?”
“Police officer, now SWAT.”
“Excellent. How’s that beautiful sister of yours doing?”
The anger inside me raged before I had a chance to rein it in. He didn’t know what was coming when I clocked him across the jaw. Frank immediately stepped between us, “Whoa Cal, calm down man.”
Paul was rubbing his jaw and looked to us as he took a step back. “Nah, man. It’s all good. I’ve had that one coming for a long time. Seriously, I didn’t mean any harm.”
“Yeah, how’s that wife and kid of yours?”
“Dude, you don’t know?” I looked at him and scrutinized him with eyes. “Been divorced for years. It’s a long story. Maybe we can chat about it sometime.” He bent over and picked up his bag. “Really Cal. It’s great to see you. You ever want to get together I’d be game.” He pulled out a business card and held it out to me. When I didn’t take it, he set it down on the bench where his bag was and walked away.
“What the hell is going on with you, man? I’ve never seen you lose your cool like that.” Frank was right. I was acting like a total ass.
“I’m sorry man. I got a lot going on. I didn’t mean to take it out on you…” I hesitated, “Or Paul.”
“Maybe you should tell him that.”
“Fuck.” I grabbed my things, snatched up Paul’s business card and ran after him. “Hey, Paul.” He stopped before turning to me. “Wait up man.”
Paul and I were sitting at a diner across the street reliving old times. He’d told me the story of what happened between him and his wife, now ex-wife. I couldn’t believe it. My problems seemed small compared to the shit she had put him through. I told him about Jane and what was troubling me.
“Man, I’m not trying to persuade you one way or another, but if I could go back and make things work with your sister. You bet your ass I would.” I clenched my jaw at his words. “Calm down. I know we were young, but she was something else. If that’s how you feel about Jane, well you gotta do what you can to make it work. I’ll never forgive myself for the hurt I caused your sister. Don’t live with regrets.”
I knew he was right and briefly thought how different things would’ve been had he and Cassidy stayed together.
July 2003
I had just arrived at the base, taking a new assignment, after a couple weeks at home for Cassidy’s high school graduation. I had already put my belongings away in the barracks and was headed back to them after having dinner in the mess hall. I met a few guys but was more interested in who my roommates were. They had yet to arrive and I had staked my claim to the top bunk.
When I walked in the door I could hear Man In The Box by Alice In Chains blaring. At least they had good taste in music; though I had a strong loyalty to country music I enjoyed my share of rock too.
I found him lounging on the couch looking at a hot rod magazine. He spotted me, nodded his chin and looked me over before gazing back at the magazine. Ink covered his arms. I was contemplating a tattoo of my own.
“Nice ink, man.”
“You got any?” When I told him no, but I that I was contemplating it he introduced himself. “Name’s Paul, Paul Vincent, but my buddies call me Diesel. You can call me Paul.”
I cracked up at that when I realized he was messing with me. “I’m Calvin, Calvin Charles, but my buddies call me asshole.”
Laughing he stuck his hand out to mine and said, “Nice to meet you Asshole.”
A while later we started talking tattoos. I pulled out a picture from my wallet of the tattoo I had in mind.
“Dude, she’s hot. That your girl?” He handed me back a senior picture Cassidy had given me.
“No.” I put the picture back in my wallet.
“Sweet, can I have her number?”
“She’s my sister. Back off.”
“Damn.”
We had spent the next couple years together, before a new assignment had him relocated. We got inked every chance we could and before long we both had sleeves. I had to believe that he and Cass not working out was for the best. Not that he was a bad guy, he wasn’t. I just didn’t like living with regrets and I knew I didn’t want to regret anything with Jane.
“So what’s the issue man?”
“We’ve just moved really fast.”
“Since when does Calvin Charles give a shit what anyone else thinks? Fuck the haters. People stay together for years and get married to end up divorced. People also meet and marry quickly and get divorced.” He raised his hand and pointed at himself and I couldn’t suppress my laugh. “Case in point. There’s no algorithm to love, man.”
“When the hell did you learn so much about love?” We shared a laugh as the waitress dropped off our checks. “Dude, it’s seriously great to see you. I’m sorry I punched you.”
“It’s all good. Call me sometime and we can do lunch.”
“Absolutely.” We walked to the parking lot and went our separate ways. It was great seeing him again. Now, I had to go make things right with Jane.
C hapter Twenty Three
~ CALVIN ~
I got back home to find her gone. I started to panic and then saw her note on the counter. I was an idiot. She was at work. Pulling out my cell, for the first time since I left, I saw I had a missed call and text from her. Shit. I really messed this up. Looking at the clock I knew she’d be on break soon. I hopped back in my truck and headed up to the hospital. Stupid Boy by Keith Urban was playing. “Seriously. I get it.”
Calling the nurses station, they put Jane on the phone. “Hello?”
“Jane, don’t hang up. Have you had your break yet?”
“I’m going on break in a few minutes, long as things remain quiet.”
“Ok. I’ll be in the lobby waiting.”
“Ok.”
She disconnected the call without another word. I began
to think she wouldn’t come, not sure how angry she was with me. I was pacing a hole in the carpet, getting the evil eye from the security guard. I’m sure I looked like trouble in nothing but my shorts and tank top in mid-December.
A few minutes later I heard the elevator ding and watched several people get off once the doors opened. She walked out last and I couldn’t contain the relief as a smile spread across my face. She struggled to make eye contact, but when I reached out my hand to her she took it. Pulling her to a corner that was unoccupied, I sat us down on a couch.
“Jane, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.” She sat there in silence as I stared at her face. Her eyes were becoming glassy. I took both her hands in one of mine as I cupped her cheek. I whispered, “Baby doll, please don’t cry.”
Sniffling she said, “I don’t normally cry. I hate that I’m crying in front of you.”
“You can cry in front of me. It’s ok. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness. I like to think you feel safe with me and that’s why you’re crying.”
She looked to me as she swiped at the single tear falling down her face. “When you walked out I didn’t know what to think.”
“I shouldn’t have left that way.”
“No, it’s ok. I completely shut you out.” She looked up at me and said, “I want to tell you everything, I do. But a big part of me just doesn’t want to relive it all again. It’s in the past and I don’t want you to be a part of my past. I want you as my future.”
Her words made my chest ache. “Jane, it doesn’t matter. I know that you’ll tell me when and if you’re ready. I’ll stop asking.” I moved my other hand to her chin and tilted her face so she’d look at me. When her eyes locked with mine I said it again, “It doesn’t matter. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
It was only the third time I’d heard her say those three little words. She wasn’t one to throw it out there and I was the complete opposite, saying it to her all the time. And it was ok. I knew she loved me, even if she didn’t always say it. I gently pressed my lips to hers and let her lead the kiss. After a moment she opened her mouth to me and then quickly pulled away. She looked around, slightly embarrassed, even though there was no one around except the security guard.