“There you are. I’ve been calling all over, trying to find you,” Violet said.
“I told you I’d be here. In the art department,” I said.
It occurred to me that I’d left my office while Violet was at lunch and that I hadn’t left her a note. The same thought must’ve crossed her mind, since there was a short lull, which I assumed meant she was quickly weighing the pros and cons of correcting me. Finally she said, “At any rate, Bonnie Seaforth-Wilkes and Lillith would like to meet with you.”
“Do you know why?” I asked.
“No. They didn’t elaborate. They just said they need to talk to you.”
“I’m busy shaping young Randy’s vision of our Thor campaign,” I said. “I’ll be able to meet in a couple hours, or maybe tomorrow.” Violet’s words finally permeated my brain. “Wait, they said? I assume they didn’t conference call you.”
“No. They’re waiting in your office. Together. You might want to get up here.”
“Okay.” I sighed. Randy looked relieved when I turned to go. As I walked away, I said, “Before I leave for the day, I’ll be back to see those revised drawings.” I went to my office, pausing at Violet’s desk before going in to ask, “They’re really both in there? Just the two of them?”
“I should warn you, before you go in,” Violet cautioned ominously, “it’s a real battle zone in there.”
“Oh, great,” I groaned and opened my office door.
Lillith and Bonnie were both seated behind my desk, staring with rapt fascination at my computer monitor as they pounded on the keyboard and shrieked at each other.
“That’s their leader!” Bonnie yelped. “Take him out! I’ll hold off the platoon.”
“I’m trying!” Lillith roared. “Use your flame-thrower, you imbecile. Don’t waste ammunition!”
“I’m not the one who ran over a land mine with our tank,” Bonnie snarled.
“Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have that tank right now,” Lillith mused.
“Watch out! He’s got a grenade!” Bonnie screamed. A loud explosion emanated from the computer and both women sank back in their chairs, looking forlorn.
“Don’t take it too hard, Bonnie. Try as I might, those boys in the shipping department always win,” Lillith assured her. Instead of laughing, I pretended like I’d just walked in and cleared my throat. Lillith jumped up and said, “There you are, Blaine. Good of you to drop whatever it was you were working on. We need a word. Rather, Bonnie does.”
I walked toward the sitting area, and they moved to join me, taking opposite ends of the sofa. They left a demilitarized zone between them, which somehow comforted me after witnessing their camaraderie against the shipping department on the company’s computer system. I’d had no idea that this was one of the customs Violet brought with us from our days at Breslin Evans, but if Lillith didn’t mind, it had nothing to do with me. I took a chair opposite the two women and asked what was going on.
“Have you heard of The Robby and Rhonda Show?” Bonnie asked.
“No,” I answered. “I don’t have much time to watch television.”
“I suppose not,” Bonnie said. “It’s new. It’s barely made a dent in the daytime ratings, even though I’ve poured money into it. That’s why I’d like for you and Daniel to be guests—”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, Bonnie, but no,” I declined.
“Blaine, don’t be impertinent,” Lillith sternly said. “Bonnie’s come all this way to make her request. The least you could do is hear her out.”
“There’s really not a lot to say. I was only thinking of our boys, and how The Robby and Rhonda Show would be a good opportunity for Blaine and Daniel to cement their public image in a positive manner. The hosts of the show are gay, so it would be a comfortable environment.”
“Frankly, Bonnie, I’ve told everyone involved that I’m done with interviews and appearances.”
“Is this show on before Secret Splendor?” Lillith asked Bonnie, ignoring my comment.
“Yes, it is,” Bonnie said, brightening. “After that horrible meeting we all had, I pitched an idea for a gay talk show to the network. They jumped right on it, knowing we could hook Secret Splendor’s gay viewers. We’re still testing it, though, so it’s only local right now. But I know it will take off.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” Lillith said, peering intently at Bonnie. “I can tell by your aura.”
Bonnie looked pleased. She turned back to me and asked, “Are you sure you won’t reconsider, Blaine? Even if Daniel is willing to do it?”
Daniel had been so relieved when we agreed to end our public appearances together that I felt confident enough to say, “Sure. If you can get Daniel to do it, then I’m in.”
Bonnie clapped her hands twice and said, “Perfect! I’ll fax Violet with the details.”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“That’s very good of you, Blaine,” Lillith said, rising from the sofa. “This will do wonders for your karma. You’ll see. I’ll walk you out, Bonnie.”
Before they left, I collected my wits and said, “One condition. This has to be it. I’m a busy man, and I’ve done more than my share for Secret Splendor’s image. Let alone another one of your shows.”
“Agreed,” Bonnie said. “I’ll get back to you later today.”
An hour before I left for home, I returned to the art department, ready to be presented with another mutation of my vision. I was pleasantly surprised. Randy had done away with his original version. This time, Thor emerged from the thick haze of a cloud, his left hand holding an anvil-shaped bottle of cologne with a lightning bolt etched into the glass. Thor’s other hand had lightning shooting from his fingers. It wasn’t exactly what I’d described, but it was much closer to what I wanted.
“Thank you. This is a lot better, Randy,” I praised. He smiled bashfully, and as I watched him begin work on another revision, his phone rang.
“Art department,” I said, grabbing the phone so Randy wouldn’t be distracted.
“Don’t tell me Lillith demoted you,” Violet teased.
“Don’t forget we’re nearing Christmas bonus season,” I said. “What’s up?”
“I got a fax from Bonnie. Are you going to be on something called The Robby and Rhonda Show?”
“Yes. When is the taping?” I asked.
“Wait, I just saw this. There’s a condition,” she said. “Daniel has agreed, but only if you two can publicly break up.”
I was startled by the news and got a sinking feeling in my stomach. I shouldn’t have been surprised that Daniel was looking for a way to put a permanent end to our farce. But the small flicker of hope that I’d had for us slowly faded.
Violet continued before I could reply, “I don’t get it, Blaine. I thought the two of you were done making appearances together.”
“Bonnie and Lillith managed to railroad me into doing it.”
“It sounds like this will free you from doing any more,” Violet said. “I’ll send the details to Gavin after I add them to your calendar.”
I took off work the following Friday and encountered Violet on my doorstep when I left to go to the studio where The Robby and Rhonda Show taped.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I know these appearances with Daniel can be strained,” Violet said. “I figured you could use a friend.”
I stared at her while she readjusted her scarf and tucked its ends into her black leather coat. She looked at me expectantly, perhaps waiting for me to protest and send her to the office. Instead, I put my arm around her shoulder, steered her up the block, and said, “I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have in my corner. The studio’s only eight blocks away. We’re walking.”
At the studio, we were ushered to the green room by a phalanx of handlers, interns, and producers. I was surprised to see Lillith standing at the end of a hallway with Bonnie, but since they seemed preoccupied, I didn’t try to get their attention. When I was asked if I wa
nted to reserve seats in the audience for friends, I scoffed and said, “No offense, but I haven’t told my friends I’m doing this show. I don’t want any of them rehashing it over and over. I just want to tape this thing, then forget it ever happened. Is Daniel here yet?”
“Mr. Stephenson is around here somewhere,” a woman in horn-rimmed glasses said. “Let me see if I can find him.”
After she left, I was taken to a makeup room. When I returned to the green room, all the others were gone except for Violet, who was sitting on a leopard print sofa next to Daniel. He looked annoyed.
“I can’t believe you agreed to do this,” Daniel said. “I’ve been up since four this morning. I had to rush my scenes early so I could come to this stupid show.”
“Hold on to that bitterness. It’ll come in handy for our fake breakup scene,” I said casually. “Don’t blame me. The only reason I said I’d do this was because Bonnie told me you were okay with it.”
Daniel shook his head and said, “If you’re going to be a father, you need to wise up. Bonnie and Lillith played you like a ten-year-old trying to get a later bedtime. I didn’t agree to anything. Bonnie let you believe I did.”
I cringed, ashamed that I’d fallen for Bonnie’s ploy, until Violet said to Daniel, “For that to work, both parents have to fall for it. You’re here. She played the same trick on you, huh?”
Caught, Daniel bit his lip, then said, “What could I do? Not only does Seaforth Chemicals underwrite Secret Splendor, but Bonnie’s also one of our producers.”
Before Violet and I could discuss the merits of his contract and the benefits of his membership with AFTRA, the segment producer came in to prep us for the show. He told us to expect the same line of questioning we’d probably had from other interviews, and urged us to relax and have fun. He seemed content with our blasé agreement and left us, saying he’d return in ten minutes to escort us to the stage.
“This is stupid,” I said. “I wonder if it’s too late to back out?”
“Yes, I’d say it is,” Daniel said curtly. “Besides, we agreed to put an end to this together.”
“I don’t remember signing anything,” I said, turning away from him.
“Would you two stop?” Violet said. “I’m sure the only reason you’re sniping at each other is because you’re nervous. You’ve both done interviews together. This will be a piece of cake.”
“I guess so,” Daniel said quietly.
“Whatever,” I mumbled.
“Besides, this is just a local talk show,” Violet continued. “I did a little research on the Internet the other day. It’s only been on the air about a month, but if the ratings don’t pick up, it will probably be canceled by January. And the hosts are complete nobodies.” Violet took out her PalmPilot and read, “Rhonda Goldfarb is a psychologist and used to have an A.M. radio show on the West Coast. The other host—”
“We’re ready, guys,” the producer said, bursting into the green room.
“The other host is a failed stage actor,” Violet hastily said. The producer frowned at her, but continued to rush us out of the green room. He directed Violet to the backstage area where Bonnie and Lillith would stand. Before he could take us onstage, someone from the crew stopped him to ask a question.
While he was distracted, I turned to Daniel and said, “Don’t do it. Please.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Don’t fake our breakup in front of all these people.” When he stared at me, puzzled, I added, “Maybe you’ve forgotten that it was this time last year when we broke up. But it’s been on my mind a lot, and it still hurts. I don’t want to relive it in public.”
“I haven’t forgotten,” Daniel said.
Before he could say anything else, the producer turned back to us, and I could hear the announcer boom, “It’s The Robby and Rhonda Show!” There was sufficient pause for applause, then, “With Robby!” More applause. “And Rhonda!” Still more enthusiastic applause.
The producer said, “After a few minutes of patter between the hosts—”
Daniel cut him off and said, “Okay, Blaine. I won’t do it.”
“On today’s show, Rhonda chats with a bipolar lesbian nun! It’s a story you won’t believe. Then Robby learns how to bake cookies from Mrs. Fields herself!”
“You won’t do the show?” the producer asked in a panicked tone.
“But first, Robby and Rhonda get to chat with a real-life gay supercouple! From Secret Splendor, Daniel Stephenson! And his significant other, the creative genius behind the blockbuster ad campaigns for Lillith Allure Cosmetics, Blaine Dunhill!”
“No, we’re doing the show,” Daniel assured the producer. He looked at me and said, “We’ll do the happy couple thing one last time.”
“And now, here they are, Robby and Rhonda!” The announcer dragged out the last syllable of Rhonda’s name as if he was waiting for his doctor to examine his tonsils. I saw Robby and Rhonda bound onto the stage, and the crowd bestowed their approval by cheering wildly.
“Welcome, everyone, welcome!” Robby gushed.
“Thank you so much! You’re so sweet!” Rhonda chimed in.
“Oh, my fucking god!” Daniel blurted out after a moment. Although I agreed that the two hosts’ opening remarks were excruciatingly saccharine, I didn’t understand Daniel’s reaction. Daniel glanced at the producer and said, “Robby is Robert Orso?”
“It ain’t Robert Kennedy,” the producer answered.
“Who’s Robert Orso?” I asked.
“The slut who broke up Jeremy and me,” Daniel said.
I took a closer look at Robby. He was reasonably cute, but certainly not in the same league as Daniel or Adam, which made me question Jeremy’s judgment.
“I’m confused,” I said. “Do you want me to hit him? Or thank him?”
“Get the nun,” Daniel said to the producer. “I’m not doing an interview with Robert Orso.”
“We have such a great show for you today,” Robby was saying. “Don’t we, Rhonda?”
“Bonnie assured me this would be painless,” I said to Daniel.
“We sure do!” Rhonda gushed. “You get to work with the kitchen queen herself, baking those scrumptious cookies! I can’t wait to get my hands on them!” The audience applauded madly, as if they, too, were going to get cookies when all was said and done.
Bonnie, alerted by the wild gesturing of the producer, hurried to us, asking, “Is there a problem?”
“Daniel says he’s not doing it,” the producer hissed.
“And you,” Robby was prattling to Rhonda, “get to help Sister Mary Michael share her ups and downs with us. Just wait until you hear what she has to say!”
“Not doing what?” Bonnie asked.
“This show,” Daniel said emphatically.
“But first,” Rhonda and Robby both faced the camera, “we have a special treat for you. We’re going to spend some time with a couple who’s been in and out of the limelight over the past several months. You might know half of this supercouple as Angus Remington, from our network’s hit daytime drama, Secret Splendor.”
“That’s right, Rhonda. Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend, Daniel Stephenson!”
Daniel opened his mouth as if to protest, but Bonnie gave him a shove that propelled him onto the stage. He had no choice but to smile at the applauding audience, and I had no choice but to follow him.
“His partner,” Rhonda continued, “is less recognizable to most of us, although with a face like his, I’m not sure why we haven’t seen him somewhere before! The man who stains the lips of lesbians everywhere, Blaine Dunhill, the creative genius behind Zodiac cosmetics!”
I grinned stupidly when the audience greeted me. Robby and Rhonda led us to armchairs that sat perpendicular to theirs.
As the applause dwindled, Robby reached over and put a hand on Daniel’s knee, playfully shaking his leg back and forth and saying, “So how are you? It’s been so long!”
“Great, thanks,” I heard Dani
el say in a faraway voice.
“Hi, Blaine,” Rhonda said. “How did you two meet anyway?”
“He saw me in the window, and he just had to have me,” I said. The audience laughed and clapped, and our hosts joined them. “Seriously,” I continued, since I could see that Daniel was still rattled by seeing Robby, “we met as neighbors and slowly got to know each other over time. It’s been great seeing Daniel go from performing on small stages to becoming a successful actor on daytime television with an audience of millions. I’m so proud of him.”
As the audience applauded, I leaned over, kissed Daniel on the cheek, and whispered, “Score one for the home team.”
I could tell Robby had understood my dig about his less successful acting career by the way he briefly narrowed his eyes at me, but his voice kept its forced cheerfulness as he said, “You two have really taken the show on the road, huh?”
“We tried to keep the show off the road, but I guess you could say we got forced into the fast lane,” I said, continuing to field the questions.
“We tried to keep our private lives quiet,” Daniel explained, having pulled himself together. “This is Blaine’s first foray into public life, so it’s been an adjustment. We really are just a couple of ordinary guys who live an ordinary life. Part of our intention in going public with our relationship was to show just that.”
“Ordinary? I’d say after the research we’ve done for this show, there isn’t anyone who’d call your lives ordinary!” Rhonda said. Robby looked at her, flashing a smile that would make the queen from Snow White jealous. Daniel and I exchanged a nervous look through ever-smiling faces.
“What Rhonda means to say is that we have a little surprise for you. A couple of surprises, really. We know you’ve been interviewed, taped, questioned, and quoted into a stupor, so we wanted to do something a little different today. You know how it’s been, and we’ve seen the interviews. Fresh young reporters asking hard-hitting questions, trying to pin you down and make you crack so you’ll spill the beans—”
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