He nodded and said, “I have to get back. I’ll call—”
“See ya,” I interrupted with our old litany.
“Yeah. See ya.”
I watched him stop outside the door to light his cigarette, then he was gone. By the time I walked home and climbed the five stories to my apartment, I was struggling not to cry. Gavin took the diaper bag and the tuna while I busied myself with Emily until I could regain my composure.
“Where’s Nick?” I finally asked.
“Out shopping for CDs.”
“Great. We’ll be living in hip hop hell.”
“It is great,” Gavin said. “He’s with a friend.”
Something about the way he said it made me repeat, “A friend?”
“A boy,” Gavin said. “His name is Pete, and he’s totally adorable.”
“No,” I moaned, looking at Emily. “It’s supposed to be years before I have to start worrying about boys.”
“You get to practice with Nick,” Gavin said. Dexter strolled in, took a look at Emily, and made a quick dash for the kitchen. “Hmm. Maybe I should give him the tuna.”
I slouched on the sofa, pulling my legs up so I could prop Emily against them while I told her what a fine cat Dexter was. I looked up to see Gavin staring at us with an odd expression.
“What?”
“I don’t know. That’s kind of—there’s something sexy about a muscular man holding a baby. A weird contrast of strength and gentleness.”
Too bad Daniel hadn’t thought so. I pushed that thought out of my head and dedicated myself to my daughter’s visit. She only cried once, and the bottle I heated stopped that. A couple of diaper changes, two tentative examinations by Dexter, and three phone calls from Gretchen later, I bundled her up again and took her home. I had to give a full account of everything we’d done while Gretchen checked her for damage. I left out the part about seeing Daniel. I didn’t feel like being interrogated, especially by Gwendy, whose legal training made her formidable.
Instead of going back to my apartment, I took a cab to Central Park, wondering if I could find the Secret Splendor shoot. Without thinking, I fell into the walking routine Daniel and I had developed long ago, ending at Bethesda Fountain, which looked beautiful but so cold against the snowy landscape. I stared at the angel and said, “Come on, give me a miracle. How many times did we sit here admiring you, sharing ourselves with each other and you? I know he’s in this park somewhere. Make him remember. Make him miss me as much as I miss him.”
People came and went, rushing to get out of the cold. Daniel wasn’t among them. Once the light began to fade, I knew my opportunity had passed. The crew had undoubtedly stopped shooting, and the actors would have hurried away to get warm.
If it hadn’t been for the red parka, he would never have caught my eye when I turned to walk home. He was on the bridge, his chin propped on his hands, watching me. I stopped and stared up at him for a minute, then we both started walking until we met on the road.
“I’m so cold,” he said, his teeth chattering.
I wrapped my arms around him, frustrated by his bulky clothing, and said, “How long have you been waiting?”
“Forever. Don’t make me talk. Just hold me.”
“If I talk while I’m holding you, will you listen?” I felt him nod. “I’m sorry. For all the things I said that hurt you, and for all the things I didn’t say, too. For not telling you about the baby. For the ways you found out about that and about Ethan. For forcing you to pose as my boyfriend and letting you think it was only for Gretchen and our other friends. I wanted to make you spend time with me. I thought it would help us work out some of our problems. Instead, it gave us new problems, made you tired and miserable, and pushed us farther apart. I proved you were right when you called me controlling and stubborn.”
“You always think,” he began haltingly, “that because I’m older, or because I’ve been around more, that I’m the strong one. I can’t always be the strong one, Blaine.”
“I know. You don’t have to be,” I said. “Your whole body is shaking. Let’s get you home.”
“I can’t,” he said. “I have to meet Kyle.”
“Oh,” I said, wondering who Kyle was. I felt hurt and stupid that I’d apparently misread what was happening between us. “Could we get together later? To talk?”
“You could go with me.”
“Go with you?” I repeated.
“Kyle is my realtor. I’m meeting him to look at an apartment.”
“Oh,” I said again, my elation that he wasn’t meeting a date diminished by the news that he was moving. Moving on. Without me.
“You’ve been looking for a place, too, right?” he asked. “Maybe if this one isn’t right for me, it’ll be right for you.”
“Where is it?”
“Fifty-seventh.” His voice sounded flat when he added, “You’re probably looking for a more fashionable address.”
“You make more money than I do now,” I pointed out.
“I don’t want to leave the neighborhood,” he said. “I’m sentimental that way.”
I could have reminded him that I’d lived in Hell’s Kitchen longer than he had, since I’d moved from Wisconsin a few months before he’d left the Chelsea apartment he once shared with Jeremy. But I knew he wasn’t criticizing me. He didn’t have the energy.
“Sure, I’ll go with you,” I said.
We didn’t talk as we walked toward Columbus Circle. I wasn’t sure when he started crying, but he let me guide him out of the park and down the nearly deserted avenue to Fifty-seventh, where he seemed to get control of himself. He led me to an eight-story building before he stopped, looking a little lost.
“You’re still shivering,” I said. “Do we have to wait out here?”
He shook his head and said, “I’ve got the key.”
I was glad that no one was at the concierge desk to make Daniel feel embarrassed about his tear-stained cheeks. We took the elevator to the seventh floor, then I followed him, taking the key from his fumbling hands to unlock the door. When we were finally inside the empty apartment, he seemed unable to go any farther. He sank down next to the door and drew his legs up, hugging them and resting his head against the wall while he cried.
I knew how much he hated breaking down in front of me, so I busied myself for a few minutes, testing switches until I found one that turned on frosted wall sconces, bathing the room in soft light. I looked around for a radiator or some kind of heater. The fireplace held what I assumed were gas logs, but I finally spotted a thermostat in the hall, turned it on, and felt a rush of warm air. I found the bathroom and took the roll of toilet paper from the holder, then went back to Daniel. He slid off his gloves and took some to wipe his face.
I pulled him to his feet and said, “Geez, your fingers are like ice.” He let me help him out of his coat, then I took mine off and pulled him to me. “Keep your hands against my chest so they’ll get warm.”
I continued to hold him close while he rested his head against my shoulder, his sobs finally subsiding to an occasional shudder that tore at my heart.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Shhh. Breathe.” I wasn’t sure what else it was safe to say. I turned my face so that my lips were against his hair, inhaling the scent of smoke and snow and the aroma I loved most in the world—Daniel.
“I’m okay,” he finally said, but he didn’t pull away.
“Is this guy gonna show up? You need to get out of these wet clothes.”
“I’m almost warm,” he said. “He left a message saying he’d be late. Good thing, huh?”
“We could tell him you get really emotional about central heat,” I said gently.
He laughed a little and pulled away to look at me, saying, “I didn’t mean to fall apart on you. I’m a wreck.”
“No you’re not.” I gently dabbed his face with toilet paper. “Blow.” He laughed again and blew his nose. “You want to check out this place before your realtor gets here?”
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br /> He nodded, and we looked around. The walls were freshly painted in ivory, except for the dining room, which was wallpapered below the chair rail in a dark blue. The six-inch baseboards were stained the same honey tone as the hardwood floors, and there were built-in bookcases on either side of the fireplace.
Our shoes made a hollow sound on the floor when we explored the rest of the apartment. It had two bedrooms and two bathrooms which, although small, gleamed with new tile and fixtures.
“Do you think it lacks charm because everything is so new?” Daniel asked as we went to the kitchen.
“Who cares?” I said, looking at the stainless steel appliances and thinking of my fickle oven. “Gavin would fall to his knees and worship that stove.”
“Maybe you should buy this place,” Daniel said.
I couldn’t read his expression, but his red-rimmed eyes looked like they could overflow again any minute, so I decided to keep my conversation matter-of-fact.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need at least three bedrooms, and I should have four. I don’t think there’s anything in Hell’s Kitchen that can meet my needs. What if I have to move to Connecticut or something?”
We turned when the door opened and Kyle came in. Daniel introduced us. “He’s trying to buy, too, Kyle,” Daniel said. “You should give him your card, Blaine.”
“Sure,” I said, taking one out of my wallet and handing it to him. Violet would be shocked that I’d managed this much without her. “It seems like a nice building.”
“It’s still being renovated,” Kyle said. “They’re working their way down from the top. They just finished the fourth floor. There are several available apartments. In fact, the reason I’m late, Daniel, is because I have one to show you directly above this one. It’s not on the market yet; the owner just found out his company is moving him to London. It’s only one bedroom, although it has a small study that could be converted to a second bedroom. The square footage is less because it actually has a terrace. I know you wanted garden space. Do you want to look at it? I have the key.”
“Yes,” Daniel said, finally looking happier, and my heart sank. He couldn’t possibly resist a top-floor apartment that would accommodate a garden.
While we waited for the elevator, Kyle and Daniel told me about the history of the building and its friendly co-op board. Listening to them, it dawned on me that Daniel’s celebrity had been a drawback with some of the boards in other buildings. Apparently, it wasn’t a problem here. Kyle dropped the names of a few other famous residents, and Daniel mentioned a Hollywood couple waiting for renovations to be completed on the third floor, where two apartments were being combined to give them the space they wanted.
“This may be a mess,” Kyle warned as he put the key in the lock. “I know the owner is having stuff put in storage, and movers have been getting the rest of it ready to ship. His urgency works to the advantage of the buyer, though.”
When he let us in and turned on the lights, I heard Daniel catch his breath. I looked around with understanding. Although the layout was basically the same as the other apartment, the blue walls emphasized that color in the beautiful Oriental rugs. The artwork, the books on the shelves, and the furniture showed what the other apartment could become once it was occupied.
The single bathroom and small study allowed the master bedroom to remain spacious in spite of the terrace that it accessed. I could tell by Daniel’s expression that he loved everything about the apartment. While he and Kyle talked, I stepped onto the terrace, bracing myself against the freezing wind. I looked at the view, which wasn’t bad, since Hell’s Kitchen residents were known to voraciously fight high-rise development in the area.
When I finally went back inside, Kyle was gone. Daniel gave me a measuring look and said, “What do you think?”
“It’s great,” I said quietly.
“I could definitely see myself here,” he said. He walked past me to step outside, so I returned to the terrace with him. “I can’t believe how big this space is. I think I could even use my fountain, don’t you?”
“It would probably fit over there,” I said. “Your garden will be flourishing again in no time.”
“I’ve even seen people glass in their terraces,” Daniel said. “I’d have to check into the building codes—”
“I’m kind of hungry,” I said sharply. “I probably should take off.”
“How’s Ethan?” Daniel asked.
“He’s fine,” I said, trying to figure out where that question came from. After a few seconds of awkward silence, the reason for Daniel’s question flooded me with warmth, in spite of the freezing air. Choosing my words with care, I said, “He’s like anyone who’s falling in love. Absentminded. Romantic. Obsessed with sex.”
“You don’t have to—”
“He even sends flowers. He calls two or three times a day. He’s like a teenager in love for the first time.”
“How do you feel about that?” Daniel asked.
“I think it’s great,” I said. “You don’t seem very happy about it.” He pushed past me and went inside, but before he could go anywhere, I caught up with him, grabbing him and turning him around. “You’re not walking out on me again, Daniel.”
“I wasn’t leaving. It’s too cold to talk out there.” After a few seconds, he added, “I just let down all my defenses with you, so I’m feeling a little fragile. I don’t want to hear about how happy you are, okay?”
“Would you rather hear how unhappy I am?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“I just endured the most miserable year of my life, but there were a few high points. Leaving Breslin Evans Fox and Dean to work for Frank at Lillith Allure. Sheila’s wedding. My nephew coming to live with me. Gretchen’s pregnancy and Emily’s birth. And watching Ethan and Gavin fall in love with each other.”
He thought that over, then said, “You were just tormenting me?”
“Sort of like you were tormenting me with your plans to move into a great new apartment.”
He wrapped his arms so tightly around me that I couldn’t move my own arms from my sides. We leaned into each other, and I inhaled deeply.
“You smell like smoke,” I complained.
“Let me do this, so you can get the other one out of the way,” he said, then kissed me hungrily.
When he finally broke away, I said, “And you taste like an ashtray.”
“That’s the one,” he said and kissed me again. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. Can we please go back to your place?”
“Here and now,” he said. “Not later. Right now.”
When he started undressing me, I felt a momentary qualm about being in some stranger’s bedroom, using a bed that was stripped of sheets and pillows. Then it started seeming hot in a forbidden way. In any case, I knew better than to stop him. I understood that he wanted to take back some of the control he felt he’d lost when he allowed himself to cry in front of me. If the power games we played were unnecessary, even foolish, they were our games, and I was tired of being sidelined. He was mine. I was his. That was the way it was supposed to be, however flawed and infuriating it could get.
Making love equaled things out, and afterward we lay on the bare mattress, staring at each other and trying to breathe.
“It was the most miserable year of my life, too,” Daniel finally said.
“It’s over.”
“I hope so.” Neither of us spoke for a while, until he said, “I’m sorry, too. For shutting you out and letting you feel guilty about everything. You didn’t force me into the couple farce, Blaine. I thought if we spent time together, I could get you back.”
“You never lost me,” I said. “No matter how hard you tried.”
“It’s too bad neither of us had the guts to admit what we wanted, isn’t it? We wasted a lot of time.”
“At least we finished that fight that was started over a year ago.”
“I do all the wrong things when we figh
t,” Daniel said. “I dredge up the past. I say things I don’t mean. I get defensive.”
“And you walk away before the fight is finished,” I reminded him.
“You can’t resist pointing out my shortcomings, can you?” Daniel asked.
“No. I never learned how to fight, either.”
“I know. Even when I felt sorry for myself, what made me feel worse was what I’d done to you. I couldn’t forget the lonely boy you used to be. How you trusted me to love you and make a home with you. Every day I wanted to take back the angry things I said to you.”
“At least you cared enough to fight. All I ever got from my family was silence.”
Daniel smiled and said, “Yeah, you can’t say I never yelled at you.”
“Except on Sheila’s wedding day.”
“Are you still looking for punishment for kissing Adam? Who wouldn’t, given the chance? Besides, it was such an obvious ploy to irritate me and grab the attention from Martin.”
“Let’s not bring him into this, please,” I said. “I wasn’t talking about the kiss.”
“The baby?” Daniel asked. “If you couldn’t tell that pissed me off, even without me sticking around to scream at you—”
“Before you found out about the baby. In our room. If you’d told me that you’d been seeing other guys and having sex, I’d have gone off the deep end. I’d have wrung every detail out of you, and made you tell me, one by one, all the ways they didn’t measure up to me. But you said you didn’t care.”
“I never said I didn’t care,” Daniel argued. “I said I understood. I didn’t want any details because I’m different from you. When I found out about Ethan, when I had a name and face, that’s when it became torture for me.”
“Torture?” I asked.
“Yes, and you’ve had enough fun with that for one night. Blaine, you couldn’t have been unaware of my feelings. Even the night we broke up, I never said I didn’t love you. Before the wedding, the few times we talked or saw each other, I was floating. But that weekend, you got surly about Martin. I got blown away by Gretchen’s news. All I needed was some time until I could remember why I trusted you. Then all that other stuff got in the way.”
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