by Starr, Bria
Happy fucking New Year to me.
*****
I wake up to three missed calls from Jen, and one from my mom. I ignore Jen’s messages and call my mom back.
“Jen called me this morning. She was worried you might be off with Logan.”
“No, Mom. I hid in the kitchen and then went home.”
My mom knows all about Logan. I’ve always been very honest with her and have never kept anything from her.
“She’s really upset with you, you know.”
“What did I do? She was just trying to get attention like she always does. She didn’t need to yell at him in front of the entire bar. She did it on purpose.”
“Wren Elizabeth Summers. She was only trying to stand up for you.”
“She could have done it in a different way. She didn’t need to do it the way she did. It was horrible, Mom! Just horrible. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Everyone was staring at us!”
“She could have handled it differently, that’s for sure.”
“I’m so mad at her.”
“You’ll get over it. She’s your family.”
We talk for another half hour about this and that before saying good-bye. Mom always helps me feel better when I talk to her. I should really call her more often.
I drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom to start pulling out the hundreds of bobby pins Cassidy forcefully shoved into my hair the night before.
“Are you up?” I hear Cassidy knocking on my door.
“Yeah, in the bathroom,” I call out.
“Don’t hate me.”
“What did you do?”
“I think we should show your face at The Edge tonight.”
“Are you fucking nuts?”
“Maybe, but hear me out. Jen caused quite a scene last night, and I heard that people are talking about it, so I think the best thing to do is go there. Show your face. Show them you’re not damaged.”
“I’m not damaged. Embarrassed, maybe.”
“Show Jen. She thinks you ran off with him last night.”
“Yeah, I heard.” I shake my head as Cassidy leaves my bedroom. “Is this just a rouse to get me to go out?” I yell to her.
No answer. Of course it is.
I go about my morning routine. After throwing on a pair of old jeans and a t-shirt, I go downstairs and meet Cassidy in the kitchen.
Want me to help you hide those black bags under your eyes before we go?” she asks. “I thought they’d go away when you showered, but apparently I was wrong.”
“I suppose. Thank you.”
“The sooner you show up there, the faster everyone will be able to get past it. Have you talked to him?”
“Who? Logan?”
“Of course Logan, who else?”
“No. No, I haven’t talked to him. I doubt he’ll ever speak to me again. I’m sure he hates me. Me and my psychotic family.”
“I doubt that’s what he’s thinking. Jen just told him what we’ve all wanted to say to him. She put him in his place.”
“She didn’t have to do it like that, though. She dragged me down with him. Now I’ll be the drama queen for crying in front of everyone.”
“No, you won’t. Let me go get my makeup bag. I’ll fix up your eyes, and then we’ll touch it up later before we head out.”
“Thanks, Cassidy.”
*****
When we get there, I see Jen watching me from the bar. I walk over to her, and she looks sad. “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you last night.”
“You humiliated me. I think you could have gone about that differently, don’t you think?”
She shrugs. “I suppose I could have. I was just so mad at him for laughing and being happy and acting like nothing ever happened. Like he didn’t break your heart.”
I think about last night and what Jack had said. “Did you hear Jack last night?”
“That was actually really funny, but I was so mad I couldn’t laugh.”
“I did, a little.” I smile as I recall him raising his hand. He’s such an idiot.
“We good?”
“We’re good. Just please don’t embarrass me anymore. Please?”
She lets out a brief laugh. “I’ll try not to.”
Jack enters through the front doors and I see Cassidy run over to him. “You came!” she says happily. She brings him over to the table and explains, “Jack knows the singer and wanted to come see him.”
“Oh cool.” I’m just glad Logan didn’t come. That would have made everything awkward.
When the singer arrives and starts playing, I focus my attention on him. A few songs later, Jack goes to get a beer and Cassidy nudges me. She points over to Jen who is frantically trying to wave me down, so I walk over to her. “What?” I ask.
“Logan’s in the hospital.”
“What? Why?” I manage to get out.
“I don’t know. Jack just told me. He said he’s in the hospital.”
I leave Jen and scamper over to where Jack went.
“Jack! Logan’s in the hospital?” I ask, panic rising in my voice as I start to shake with worry. Logan is hurt? My Logan?
“He is. His mom just called me and let me know.”
I had forgotten that Jack is also in a band with Logan’s step-dad and is close with his family, but he doesn’t seem worried or concerned. It’s a struggle to get my next words out.
“Is he okay?”
“I think so. He has alcohol poisoning or something.”
Alcohol poisoning? “Which hospital?”
“Westmont Hospital.”
Fortunately, I already have my purse on me, so I just walk out. I don’t say goodbye to him or Cassidy. I just leave. I feel compelled to go to Logan. I have to make sure he is alive and not hurt. I have to make sure he is okay. I still care about him.
My body won’t stop shaking as I drive the twenty minutes to the hospital. I’ve never been here before, but I find it easily. I slam my car door shut and run through the snow into the giant building. I see a lady at the front desk, and I ask for Logan Kalford. I fear that she won’t guide me to him since I’m not family, but she doesn’t ask. She just tells me which floor he’s on.
In the elevator, I try to calm down and take steady breaths. When the doors open, I see another front desk and give them his name. As I say it, I see a head pop out of the same room the lady points to. It’s his sister, Danielle. I’m relieved as she waves me over, leaving the door open a crack, before disappearing.
I met his family once. His step-dad’s band was playing, and he invited me to go watch them. They were playing in this dive bar in Westmont. All classic rock tunes. I loved listening to them. Logan even got on stage and sang a few songs. I was introduced to his family, but I never really talked to any of them. The music had been so loud, and I’d felt overwhelmed at the time.
When I enter the room, the first thing I notice is Logan motionless in a bed with his eyes closed. A bag of clear liquid is on a stand next to him, connected to an IV going into his arm. I see Danielle sitting next to their mom in two of the three plastic chairs. Unaware if his other siblings are here or planning to show up, I stand against the wall. His mom and his sister look identical to each other. Both slightly shorter than I am with long, straight, dark blonde hair. They look at me, and without saying a word, signal for me to have a seat. Legs shaking, I sit down, removing my coat, and look over at his mom and Danielle. They look back at me with the same sadness that I feel. We all care for him here.
I look down and instantly regret wearing my ripped up jeans and Pantera shirt. I wasn’t going to the bar to impress anyone, and I certainly didn’t think I’d be sitting with his family tonight.
We sit there in silence, all watching Logan as his machine beeps steadily for the next four hours.
A nurse finally knocks softly on the door before entering. She walks over to Logan with a clipboard and starts taking his vitals. She talks to him, asking him if he’s ready to wake up yet. He
finally, slowly, opens his eyes.
And looks at me.
Chapter 19
Logan
When I open my eyes, I see her. Wren. Everything else in the room is blurry, but she’s crystal clear. I blink a few times to make sure she’s real. That she’s really here. She looks like an angel.
I close my eyes. I must be dreaming. I don’t even know where I am. Where am I? I hear voices, but they seem so far away. I remember someone earlier telling me to open and close my fists before I felt a sharp prick in my arm, so I start opening and closing my fists again, waiting for another needle. A soft, cold hand touches my arm, and I hear someone tell me I don’t have to do that anymore. I relax.
My mind goes back to Wren. It always goes back to her. I’ve fucked up. Fucked up so bad, and now I’ve lost her forever. I can never stop thinking about her for long. Why did I let her go? It hurts to think right now. I wish she was here.
I doze off before I start to wake up again. I see her. She’s sitting there again, her big brown eyes, looking at me. Why does she look so sad? I’ve seen too much sadness in those eyes; something I never want to see again, especially if I’m the cause. She always acts as if I don’t affect her in any way, but her eyes can never lie. I want to affect her. I try. But she doesn’t want me, and I’m not good enough for her anyhow. Her aunt reminded me of that; she made itveryclear.
I close my eyes and go back to the night before. Wren, walking into the bar with that sexy dress; her hair up with those curls hanging down, covering one of her eyes. I wanted so bad to tuck it behind her ear, but I held back. I always hold back around her. I want nothing more than to take her into my arms and make love to her over, and over again…the way we used to before I fucked it all up. I was watching her dance, and I couldn’t stop myself. Jack had moved in on Cassidy, and I had to take a chance to get close to Wren. Her body tightened, and I half expected to get smacked, but then she let me. And I kissed her. It’s still there between us. I felt it, and I know she felt it too. That’s why she took off running. I went to go talk to her after the night was over— I always want to talk to her—but then Jen started freaking out.
It never crossed my mind that I didn’t deserve to talk to her. I let her go; I didn’t stay in a relationship with her when I couldn’t give her what she wanted. I did what I thought was best. For her. Jen’s words really got to me, and I couldn’t get them out of my head. She royally pissed me the fuck off, but she was right. I am a piece of shit. I am…what did she say? Callow? What the fuck does that even mean?
I had tossed and turned all night with Jen’s words shouting in my head, so I got up, and I’d started drinking. I found a full bottle of Captain Morgan, and I opened it and drank straight from the bottle all day long as I’d thought of those pretty brown eyes filled with sadness, and her running out into the cold in that pretty little dress of hers.
I open my eyes again and realize I’m in a hospital. How did I even get here? I don’t remember anything after… I don’t even know the last thing I remember.
Those eyes…
I hear an unfamiliar voice saying my name. I snap to attention, and I see her; real this time, and sitting next to Danielle and Mom. What the fuck is going on here? Shit. I must have drank too much. Did they pump my stomach? I haven’t done this for four years. I feel like hell, and I’m embarrassed, but I’m so glad she’s here.
The doctor comes in with pamphlets. He talks about how my sister mentioned something about a breakup and thought maybe that’s how I ended up here. I glance over at Wren, and her eyes look as if they’re going to burst out of her head. She quickly looks over at Danielle, and then to the floor. I did not want her to know all that—Thanks, Doc—but at least she’s here. I don’t know how or why, and I don’t even care. It’s good to see her. Maybe she doesn’t hate me after all.
After a lecture and another half hour passes, I’m free to go. I stand up and follow my mom and sister out into the lobby. Wren follows behind me. No one says anything as we go down the elevator. Danielle throws me my sweatshirt before she walks outside to the car with Mom. I stop and look over at Wren. She’s staring at the ground.
“Sorry I just showed up. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
She’s apologizing? “Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you were here.” I move towards her, taking her little body into my arms. She clings to me, and I hear her sniffle.
“Do you mean that?” she asks me.
“Yes, I do. Thank you for coming to check on me.”
She lets go and takes a step back. She smiles at me and teasingly chastises me. “You be good now, okay? Don’t be getting into any more trouble.”
I smile. She would try to make light of this situation. That’s my Wren. “I’ll be good. I promise.”
She walks outside to her car and I trail behind, watching her drive away. I pull my sweatshirt on and get into Danielle’s car. No one says a word.
“What happened?” I ask, breaking the silence.
Danielle is driving and looks at me in her rear view mirror. “You called me. Said you needed help, so I came. It took a while to get you off of your front step and into my car, but we made it.”
“Sorry. Thanks for coming to get me. I don’t know what happened.” I look out the window and watch the snow fly past.
I pass out the second my head touches the pillow, and I don’t wake up until well after noon. I feel more exhausted than ever. I fall back asleep until I hear my phone ring. I ignore it, hoping it will stop, but it doesn’t, so I pick it up and squint through one eye to read that it’s Holly. Ugh. What does she want?
“Hello?”
“Hey there. You still coming out tonight?”
“I’m not going anywhere tonight. I just got out of the hospital.”
“I heard, but it’s Lonely Shadows’ first show at The Frosty Mug, and you promised them you’d come show your support. They’re just about to start.”
Shit.
“All right, I’ll be there. I gotta go.”
“Wait,” I hear her say before I hang up. She is giving me a migraine.
I hit the shower and grab my pomade, fixing my hair before brushing away the horrible taste in my mouth.
I put on a t-shirt, sweatshirt and jeans before grabbing my wallet and keys and heading out the door. I start my truck and scrape the frost off of my windows while it runs. I love that my truck warms up so fast.
I can’t find a parking spot anywhere, and I don’t want to deal with this right now. “Fuck it,” I say as I pull into a no parking space. I pick up my phone and see I have two text messages from Holly asking where I am.
Me: Just pulled in.
The music is so loud it hurts my head as I get inside. I see Holly standing there, waiting for me. “There you are. You’re so late. They’re already on their second set. No one thought you were coming after last night’s incident, including your precious Wren.”
Wren’s here?
Holly grabs my hand and tugs me across the bar. I let go of her hand and walk over and order a Coors Light. Maybe it’ll help me feel better. Why did I even come? I walk up and say hi to the guys playing before I feel Holly tugging on me again. I look around to see if I can find Wren, as Holly brings me through the crowd. We get to table and I see her, looking at me with surprise written all over her beautiful face.
And I just stare.
She looks back at me and gives me a small smile. I wish she’d beam at me the way she used to. She’d always give me the biggest smile I’ve ever seen, and her eyes would close as she scrunched up her tiny nose. Holly makes a move to scoot into the booth next to Wren, but I beat her to it. I’m not surprised that she’d try to come between us, but I win. I scoot closer to Wren and take a sip of my beer, before setting it down and pushing it away. It tastes awful. Holly looks to me as if she’s going to start talking, but I turn and look to my other side, towards her.
She looks back at me before speaking. “So how are you?”
“I’m ok
ay, thanks for asking.”
“I can’t believe you’re here. And I can’t believe you can still drink after a night like that.”
“No, you’re right. I only took one sip, and it tastes like shit. I just thought it might help, but it’s not and I can’t drink anymore.”
I stay sitting by Wren, enjoying the comfort of her closeness. She casually makes fun of me, but I can see the concern in her eyes. I’m starting to get a massive headache and a feeling as if I want to throw up. I stay as long as I can before I have to go home.
“I have to get going. It was good to see you. I’ll see you soon.” I gesture for Holly to let me up and watch her sit back down and start to drink my beer. I look back at Wren. I hate to leave her, but I have to go to bed and sleep this off. Hopefully, I’ll feel better in the morning.
*****
I do want someone in my life. No, not just anyone. Only her. She is what I want. I know it’s too late. I know that Zach likes her, and Aaron likes her...everyone wants what I once had. What I threw away.
I want to see her again, and take her somewhere. Somewhere away from that bar. Somewhere fun. Snowboarding. She’s never been. We talked about going when we were still together over summer. I’m taking her snowboarding.
Me: What are you doing?
Angel: Reading. What are you doing?
Me: What would you say to going out and doing something?
Angel: Are you drunk?
Me: Funny. No.
Angel: What did you have in mind?
Me: Next weekend I want you to come over. I want to take you somewhere.
Angel: Where?
Me: Don’t worry about it. It’s a surprise.
Angel: Do I need to bring anything?
Me: Just your cute ass. And dress warm. VERY warm. I’m talking layers of clothes. Hats, gloves, anything you can think of.
Angel: I’m intrigued.
Me: Saturday. Noon. It’s a date.
Angel: You know you can’t stand me up at your own house, right?
Me: I will never stand you up again.