by Starr, Bria
“Be right back.”
He comes back with a Red Bull and hands it to me. “Thank you, Logan,” I say, taking a drink.
“I brought some for you. Jack told me Cassidy mentioned you were coming tonight, so when I was at the liquor store I thought I’d pick some up for you. I know how much you like them.”
“That was very thoughtful of you.” I didn’t think he had it in him.
He smiles at me but looks nervous. “Want to play some darts?”
“No, thanks, but I’ll cheer you on?” Not that he needs it. Logan is extremely omnicompetent. He’s just one of those people who are naturally good at everything they do.
Win after win, Logan rules the dartboard. After that, the pool table and eventually pinball. He keeps close by me all night, asking me if I want anything. I wonder if he’s doing it because he doesn’t want anyone else hitting on me. I don’t know what his deal is. Part of me likes the attention from him, and the other part is irritated. Fortunately it’s not too much, and he doesn’t overdo it.
After several hours, most of the people have left and the rest of us are all hanging out in Jack’s living room, lying on the floor and couches, listening to music. Logan and I are both sprawled out on the floor. We each take turns playing some of our favorite songs on his computer for everyone else to enjoy. Besides Cassidy, her music has been banned. It sounds boring, but this is my kind of party. I love hearing new songs that I’ve never been introduced to before. Some of my favorite songs and bands happen to be from a random person saying, “Hey, listen to this.” And I love sharing my own favorite songs in hopes that it’ll catch someone’s fancy, and they’ll feel the same way I do about it.
We stay up until the early hours of the morning. I switch from Red Bull to water and sneak a few aspirin here and there for my aches and pains. I can feel my eyelids getting heavy as the sun starts to rise. Logan nudges me. “You might as well as stay here and get some sleep.”
“I don’t want to stay here,” I say as I watch Cassidy follow Jack into his room. “Never mind. I guess I have to. I’m too late.” That sucks.
“Come on, there’s an extra bed downstairs. It’s where I always crash when I stay here.”
“Where are you going to sleep?” I ask, half joking, half serious.
He laughs. “Where do you think?” Damn you Logan. I need to stay away from you.
We get downstairs, and Logan leads me to the extra room around the corner. I’m so tired I crawl right into the cold bed, fully clothed, and Logan crawls in with me. He scoots up behind me, and we snuggle until we’re warmed up. Now wide awake, we start talking about anything and everything just like old times. It’s so easy with him. I can feel the attraction flowing between us, but as much as I long for it, I’m still on guard.
Eventually, the conversation ends,and we stare at the ceiling in peaceful silence for a long time.
“I miss you.”
My heart stops as my eyes slowly wander to the side to look at him. “Logan, don’t say that. You can’t say that to me,” I say, shaking my head.
“Why not? I want to hang out with you more. My family does this big thing up north every year. I want you to come with me.”
That was random. “With your family? As your friend?”
“No, as my date. I wasn’t lying this morning when I said I wanted to spend more time with you.”
“When is it?”
“In April.”
“That’s four months away. How do you know we’ll still be friends?”
“Because we’re going to be friends for a long time.”
“Unless you change your mind again.”
“I’m not going to change my mind. I’m not going to let you go so easily this time.”
“I don’t know what to say. I thought you weren’t ready for any kind of relationship.”
“I don’t think I was at the time, but I am now.”
“What’s changed?”
“Me. I’ve changed. I know what I want.”
“I don’t see how that’s possible.”
“Then I’ll explain it to you. I met Valerie right before my twenty-fourth birthday and went straight into a relationship. I moved with her across the country for a year until I missed my friends and family. We weren’t working out. There were issues, and I couldn’t be with her anymore. Eventually, I moved back. When I first met you, I had only been back for two months. I thought I was ready, but I wasn’t. I didn’t realize it until I stood you up that day. I wanted to be able to go and do what I wanted without checking in first. I wanted the relationship but not the ties.
“I wanted to be with you. I did. I just knew I couldn’t give you what I thought you needed which was a giving relationship. I was trying to figure out what to do about it, and hadn’t made up my mind yet, when you knocked on my door that night. I was caught off guard, and so surprised to see you. I felt I was forced to make a decision right then and there, so I did. Don’t think it was easy to let you go. You were perfect. You weren’t needy, you gave me my space when I wanted it, and you were so cool. I loved everything about you. You really are my ideal girl. I’ve missed you, Wren.”
For months, that is all I’ve wanted to hear; an explanation. One I never thought I’d get from him. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t fully move on; I never got closure. My heart feels lighter, and I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Pure happiness is flowing from my chest as a smile sprinkles across my lips.
He puts his knuckles gently against the side of my temple and slowly rubs down the side of my face towards my chin. I lean into his touch as he leans forward and kisses me ever so softly, and I kiss him back, taking in the warmness of his full lips. He kisses me harder, and I return it passionately. His scruffy chin rubs against me, leaving a subtle burn, before he stops and turns me over so that we are once again, cuddling. He buries his face into my hair as we fall asleep in the bright sunlight.
A couple of hours later, I hear several sets of footsteps upstairs. I slowly sit up and reach for my purse that has my water and aspirin. I’m not as sore today. I look over at Logan who is still sound asleep. I hope he meant everything he said, but I’m still skeptical on where this is going to go.
“You going to head out?” I hear Logan ask.
“Yeah, I’m going to go find Cassidy. It sounds like everyone is up now.”
“I’m going to call you later.”
I smile. “Whatever you say.”
He lays back down under the covers and goes back to sleep.
I still have a stupid grin on my face as I climb the stairs. I meet Cassidy in the kitchen, scarfing down a donut. “You ready to go?” I ask her.
“Mm hmm,” she says with a mouthful. She gives Jack a messy kiss then we grab our coats and go.
*****
I’ve seen Zach at the shop every day from my desk. He’ll walk by and give me a casual glance but doesn’t say anything to me besides hello. I don’t go back and help him anymore. Those days are gone. It hurts to have things change so much between us. I miss the way things used to be. I want my friend back. I know things will never be the same—how could they be?—but I’d give almost anything for him to stop being upset. He’s not mad, and he’s not mean. He’s just quiet. I know he’ll come around when he’s ready. I just hope it’s soon.
Logan has called me every night, and he texts me all day long. I talk to him, but I don’t go over to his house. I need time to think. I need to reevaluate what’s going on. He says he wants to see me more, but he hasn’t asked if I want a relationship with him.
As I’m sitting on my bench in the snow, trying to sort out all the crazy shit in my head,I hear footsteps coming up behind me. I don’t turn around to look, but I pull my purse a little closer to me.
“Hey you.”
Logan? I spin around. He looks handsome in a gray wool coat with a black scarf, dark blue jeans, and black boots. Way too handsome. “What are you doing here?”
“Coming to see yo
u.”
“Why? How did you know where I was?”
“I went to your house. Cassidy was just leaving, and she told me I could probably find you here. It’s on my way home, so I figured I’d swing by and see if you were still here. Am I interrupting?” he asks, stopping in front of the bench. I can see his warm breath disappear into the air as he talks and breathes, and he smells just as good as ever.
“No, I wasn’t doing anything. Have a seat.”
“Thanks,” he says, sitting down beside me. The temperature seems to get a little warmer. “So what are you here for?”
“To think.”
“About me?”
“How presumptuous.”
“I knew it. You came here to think about me.”
“I think about a lot of things. Not just you.”
“So you do think about me.”
“Just about what an ass you are,” I tease.
“I deserve that,” he says, smiling. He sits back against the bench and looks out at the frozen lake. A couple of fish houses sit across the other side. “Have you ever been ice fishing?”
“I haven’t. Always wanted to try. My family and I used to fish off my grandparents’ dock when we were kids. Dad always made me bait my own hook and take my own fish off. I didn’t mind the baiting so much as long as it wasn’t leeches, but taking the fish off the hook...I had to get over that. He wouldn’t let me fish unless I did everything myself.”
“Well, how else were you going to learn?”
“That’s exactly what he said.”
“I’ll take you.”
“Ice fishing?”
“Any kind of fishing. But yes, ice fishing included.”
“That’d be pretty cool.”
“I’d like to do more things with you. Even if it means sitting here on a cold bench, freezing my ass off. Want to head inside Kally’s and get something hot to drink?”
My lips are starting to quiver, but I don’t know if that is from the cold or the fact that Logan is sitting a foot away from me looking all sexy.
He helps me up, and we walk inside to get something to eat and drink. Logan pays, then we sit at a small table to eat and talk. He asks me to come over Saturday morning, so we can talk privately.
Looks like I have a lot more thinking to do before the weekend.
Chapter 21
I enter Logan’s front door, and he leads me to the couch. “Is Josh home?” I ask him.
“No, he’s gone. He won’t be back for a couple of weeks. He’s gone most of the time. He’s the perfect roommate,” he responds.
I notice chocolate chip cookies are sitting on his coffee table. It makes me smile. “So, what’s up?”
He sits on the couch next to me and gives me a half smile. “Straight to the point, huh?”
“Yes, please. I’ve played too many games.”
“Well, I wanted to tell you…” he drags off and clears his throat. “I want nothing more than to have you into my life.”
He looks nervous. It’s so out of character to see cocky, know-it-all, Logan, nervous. It makes me feel good, seeing him as a human for once. He’s bashful, kind of quiet, and even a little reserved. What’s gotten into him?
“Logan, I know we talked a little last weekend, but I don’t understand why you all of sudden realize I’m worth spending time with. I’m really confused about it, and I don’t know what’s brought all this on. I mean, we’re not even sleeping together.”
“Yet. And I don’t want to sleep with you. Well, I do, of course, but more than anything I want to be with you. I want you. And I want you in my life. I’ve had time to think about it. I’ve had to figure things out, and I want to do this the way it should have happened the first time.”
I don’t know if I can trust him. He’s changed his mind before.
“So, let me get this straight. You’re looking for a relationship again? You wanted one before, and then changed your mind.”
“Yes. I want you to be mine.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this right now. After everything I’ve been through to get over you.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t want you to get over me though.”
“That’s so selfish of you to say. I honestly don’t think you have a clue as to what you’ve put me through. My feelings towards you have changed in the last five months.”
“You don’t miss me?”
“Sometimes I do, but not the way I used to.”
“I don’t like that at all. That hurts.”
“I’m sure you’re not half as hurt as I was. I’m just not so sure anymore. Don’t get me wrong, this is what I’ve wanted for as long as I’ve known you, but I think you’ve done some things that I can’t get over, Logan. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.” Yet here I am…
“What can’t you get over?”
“This is probably going to cause a fight…”
“We’ll get past it. What are your concerns?”
“Well, for one, there’s Holly.”
“What about her?”
“You told me you wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole.”
“I swear to you that I never slept with her.”
“Not even once?”
“Not even once.”
“Did you kiss her?” I needed to know this. It’s equally disgusting.
“No.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“It’s the truth. I never kissed her, and I never slept with her.”
“Then why were you with her all the time?”
“I’d be lying if I said the attraction wasn’t there. We talk a lot. But that’s all we do.” He stops. “There was the opportunity to sleep with her on several occasions, but I couldn’t do it. There were no feelings there.”
“What about all your one night stands? Did you have feelings for them?”
“Um, those happened when I was sixteen.”
“Oh.” I guess he never specified when those occurred. Here goes nothing. “Why did you choose to take her to the concert instead of me? You lied. I know you were there. Cassidy saw you with her.”
“My trip got canceled, and I was talking on the phone with Holly when I realized I could still go. I had already canceled with you, I was talking to her, and it was just a spur of the moment decision. I should have called you first, I’m sorry.”
“What about when you “danced” together? If you can even call it that.”
“I’ve danced with her a few times.”
“But you danced with her not long after we broke up, right in front of me, at my table. Remember? She was grinding all over you. Right. In. Front. Of. Me,” I stressed.
“I don’t really know honestly. I remember it happening, but I never gave it a thought when it was happening, and I haven’t given it a thought since.”
One of the worst things I’ve ever suffered through is not a thought to him. I’m not satisfied with that answer.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he says with sadness in his eyes. “I want to show you how serious I am about us.”
“I think it’s going to take time.”
“I can live with that.”
We sit in silence.
“When I woke up in the hospital, of all the people that could have been there, I’m glad that it was you.”
“And your mom and your sister…”
“But I only saw you. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, Wren.”
Tears sting my eyes.
“I missed you the entire time we weren’t together. I loved seeing you at shows. When I showed up at The Edge and learned you didn’t work there anymore,I still went, hoping I’d see you. I played shows, hoping you would show up, but you never did. Your aunt made me think about things. She was right. I didn’t deserve to talk to you. I just didn’t realize it. I thought about my dad, and I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to be a bad person.”
“But you know you’re nothing like him, don’t you?”
“I try not to be
.”
“You’re not a bad person. You’ve just made some dick moves.”
“I know.”
“Good.”
“Will you think about it? Taking me back? Letting me earn your trust?”
“I will think about it, but I’m still not sure. Things would be different. You know this, right?”
“Everything would be different.”
“I meant with me. I’m not such a quiet girl. I’m not going to be walking on egg shells around you anymore. I am going to be myself for once.”
“I wouldn’t want you to be anything else. And I’m going to be myself. I’m not a dick. It’s not who I am.”
“I guess we’ll just have to get to know each other all over again.”
*****
“Pros and cons list!” Cassidy exclaims as she runs into the kitchen, grabbing a pen and notepad.
I drop my head into my hands and sigh. “What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”
“Write down everything you like about him, and everything you don’t like about him. I can help with the cons if you’d like,” she offers.
“I think I have plenty of my own, but thanks.”
“Just thought I’d offer.” She shrugs. “I do this all the time. It really helps.”
I stare at the empty piece of paper sitting on my lap. I reach for the pen and draw a line down the center, labeling each row at the top. The first thing that comes to mind for the pros is his blue eyes. Then the cons start creeping up on me, and I fill that side of the paper in no time. I go back to the pros and keep writing down all the good things. I get about halfway down when I can’t think of much else.
“You done?” Cassidy asks me.
“I think so.”
She looks at my list. “That all sounds about right.”
“So now what do you do with the list?”
“You compare. The cons outweigh the pros, so it’s not looking good for him.”
“But look at the pros. Those are really good things.”
“Right, but most of these are all recent things he’s done. Who knows when he’ll decide to change again.”
“I have to agree with that, but I do think it’s different somehow. So is that all? I made this list, and it doesn’t give me shit for an answer?” I drop the notepad and pen onto the floor. “That was dumb.”