Chapter Nine
Rahmi
My truth was certain to contradict my love for her.
Standing, I put several feet between us. She would need space once I told her.
Fuck. After five years of loving her curves safely, it was time to take away the net. I never thought I would have to tell her under these circumstances. I was a fool for that.
Rage burned its way through my veins. I would exact revenge for what Jorin and his men did to her. They could not hurt what was mine and not expect retaliation.
I studied her. The water pulled her long hair straight; it did not allow her to hide. Shadows danced in her gaze, a gaze that never faltered from me. There was a frailty to her. She was a big woman with many curves, but they did not make her stronger. They only added to her beauty. She assumed she had a body of flaws, but she would always be perfect to me. Seeing her smile was like seeing a bit of her radiant soul; I could never look away when she was happy.
She was not smiling now. She looked small and broken, because of me. She was hurt because of me, and I would never forgive myself for that.
“For seven years I thought I was working for the Turkish government. Jorin Asker was the man who recruited me, and he was the man who you met today, the one who hurt you.” I could not keep the scowl from my face as I looked at her neck again. “I killed for him, Ari.” I met her stare, waiting for my sin to register.
She tensed. She frowned, confusion crinkling her brows as she dropped her gape to the floor.
A new anger rushed me. I was going to kill Jorin. Death would be kindness for the bastard, but salvation and assurance for Ari and me.
When she lifted her head, a mask hid her thoughts from me. I knew I did not deserve them, but I still mourned the loss of them. She had always been open and welcoming. It hurt to lose that part of her.
“Jorin sent me to kill an American man named Samuel Baker. He told me Sam was behind the bomb that murdered my parents and brothers. That same bomb killed more than fifty people in my country.”
Her eyes softened. “You never told me. I’m sorry, Ram.” Her voice was a knife to my wounded heart. Even in her fear she reached out and gave me comfort and love, things I did not deserve.
“Jorin lied. Usually I did not ask questions. Usually I did as I was told, thinking that was how the government worked. I did not know I had a choice, but that does not excuse my actions.” I stuffed my hands into my pant pockets. “Sam was different than my other targets. He approached me, and it was he who exposed Jorin’s lies.
“Jorin is part of a large terrorist network. He never worked for the Turkish government. I had been stupid and blind to the truth for years.” Fury had my hands curling into fists. Still today I kick myself for my idiocy, for my ignorant faith. “Some of the men I had killed for Jorin were bad, but most had been good. I stole good fathers and brothers from innocent people, the way mine were taken from me. I was a horrible person, Ari.” I could not speak nicely; my anger was raw, heightening the growl in my voice.
She said nothing. She remained focused on me, on my words, but said nothing.
What was she thinking? I craved her truth, whether good or bad. I needed to know what she thought of me.
Taking a breath that did nothing to calm me, I continued. “Sam works for the American C.I.A. He brought me in. I obtained a work visa and became a C.I.A. agent on the same day a few weeks later. They had me lie to Jorin and tell him I had killed Sam. For two more years I worked for Jorin, telling the C.I.A. everything he wanted me to do. Together we protected the good targets, but one of Jorin’s men saw a man I was supposed to have killed months ago. The truth came out and Jorin put a price on my head. The C.I.A. put me on a deep cover mission in South America to hide me and keep me working at the same time. For nearly three years I followed one of the leaders of a drug cartel. He was who brought me to Miami that weekend, and to you.”
I shifted, checking her expression, seeking any sort of reaction. Alas, I got nothing from her. It seemed the student had become the master.
“Jorin had stopped looking for me, but he is not my only enemy and I did not want to risk you getting hurt. Sam is my handler; I report to him. I trust him. He is the only one who knows about you, but he would never betray me. We think one of Jorin’s men saw us together on one of our visits.” It suddenly felt like my suit was suffocating me. I tugged at the top buttons, yanking the collar away from me.
Running my fingers through my hair, I looked at her. She was innocent. She was never supposed to be in the crosshairs. “I am the reason you are hurt, Ari.” My chest tightened. Each breath ached. The truth hurt. It was my fault.
I wanted her anger, her hatred. I wanted her to yell at me, to throw punches. I deserved it. I had failed her. I was careless. She could have died because I was too enamored, too selfish to walk away from her.
Again, she said nothing. She watched me, but revealed nothing.
Anxiety had my flesh tingling. I needed to do something. I needed her to say something. “Shout at me. Curse me. Banish me, aşkım!”
Finally she cracked. Her features twisted in anguish, crushing my heart. Tears wet her eyes. “I can’t.” Her voice was a whisper, a broken admission.
The same tears trickled down her round cheeks, and I could not stay away. Going to her, I pulled her up into my arms. My muscles flexed around her. I could no longer be gentle. I caused this.
She shook in my arms. “I want to be mad, but I can’t be. I love you too much. Dammit, Rahmi!” She buried her face in my chest.
I cradled her tightly. I relished her touch, her sweet curves against me. It had been hell keeping this from her, but it had been a worse hell not loving her the way I longed to. I wanted to show her how much she meant to me every time I saw her. Even now, my cock roused, wanting to know her thoroughly, wanting to love her with all of me.
We stood together for a long while. It took a long while for her to calm down and to stop trembling.
She leaned back, swiping at her cheeks. She smiled a little, easing my burden for one brief moment. Her eyes and nose were red. Even in the midst of despair, she was beautiful. “I love the house.”
“It is yours, no strings. I will leave if you want.”
She studied me. “How long did it take you?” She lightly nibbled her plump bottom lip.
“Four years.” I had known I could not live without her for that long.
“And that’s why I can’t hate you. You worked for four years to give me this. Before today, I knew you cared about me, but this-” Her teeth pressed harder into her lip, like she was working to control some emotion. “That level of love and dedication doesn’t deserve anger.”
“You could have died, Ari.” Bitterness sharpened my tone. A fresh wave of hatred washed over me. I would never forgive Jorin.
“I know.” Her gaze turned thoughtful. “But I didn’t.”
The need to protect her had always been in me, long before I loved her. She could banish me from her life today, but I would always keep her safe from a distance. “My heart is in your hands, aşkım. It has been yours for a long time. I will love you no matter what you do with it.”
Dammit. I could not change what was done. I could not erase my mistakes.
The first day I met Ari in Miami, I was attracted to her curves. It had been a bit since I had satiated my physical needs, and she appeared to be the perfect candidate: a woman who could be discreet. She dressed in black, covered herself to not stand out. She wanted to be forgotten in the background.
When she declined my drink, I was taken aback. Few women had refused me. When I spoke with her though, I found myself making an offer I never intended to. I never planned to take her to dinner, or to spend the weekend with her instead of tailing my target. I never expected to take a liking to her so quickly that I could not bring myself to disrespect her with a cheap tryst. There was something about her. I could have easily chosen another woman after she turned me down, but I wanted her. I have alwa
ys wanted her.
She watched me for a torturous amount of time before asking, “What if I want to keep it?”
I stifled the hope that surged inside me. “I would be the happiest man alive.” I cupped her face. “I love you, Aeren, but you owe me nothing.” I did not want her decision made out of a false sense of obligation for the house.
She grabbed my right wrist with her left hand, content to hold it. “I love you, Rahmi, but you owe me nothing.” There came her sharp tongue, throwing my words back at me.
“You almost lost your life for me, so I owe you everything.” This was a mistake Samuel and I would never forget. I prided myself on my skills of elusiveness, discretion, and obscurity. Jorin never caught me; one of his men caught a past target. My record was solid until now.
She swallowed hard, wincing. She tried so hard to hide her discomfort from me. “I’ve only ever wanted one thing, Ram.”
“Anything.” I waited with baited breath. I would give her everything I could. She was blind to her own worth, to her beauty and all of her wonderful qualities. The size of her clothes was appealing to me, but the size of her heart made her invaluable to me.
“You.”
My heart stopped for several beats. I looked into her depths, certain she had misspoken.
“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Ram. I don’t care what you did in the past. The only thing that matters is how you make me feel. You’ve never hurt me. You’ve always treated me with respect. You make me feel special. I don’t feel like a nobody who can’t figure out her life with you. You make me feel like I have purpose. I feel like I can do anything with you by my side. Maybe it’s not healthy, but you’re my security blanket, and I don’t ever want to let you go.”
My chest puffed up. I swore to all the holy gods that I would do better to protect her. She gave me my purpose. I was to love her, to support her, to protect her, and to make her happy.
“Then never let me go, aşkım.” I hugged her, claiming her sweet mouth. Only a fool would turn away the love of a good woman, and I was no longer a fool.
Dropping down on one knee, I humbled myself to her, to this curvy goddess. “Marry me, Ari. Be my wife and have my babies. I swear never to hide the truth from you again. I will always protect you. I will do everything to make you smile every day of our forever. I want to love you beyond a hundred years if you will let me.”
I was a strong stubborn man. Nothing had broken me yet. I had killed men before, I had been shot at before, and neither had humbled me the way she did. She brought me to my knees. I wanted her more than I wanted to avenge my family’s deaths. I wanted her more than I wanted revenge. I wanted her more than I wanted air. The moment she spoke to me, she became my purpose, my reason, my every thing. I lived this life for her. Not for the C.I.A., not for Jorin, not for retribution against any international criminals, not for the citizens of this nation and others. I did what I did for her, and no one else.
And, no matter her answer, that would never change.
Chapter Ten
Two Years Ago …
Aeren
“It’s my turn to pick the movie,” I reminded Ram.
He chuckled, coming to sit beside me on the sofa. “Yes, yes. What torture must I endure tonight?”
My jaw slackened in feigned offense. I harrumphed, shoving my nose into the air. “Just for that, I’m making you watch ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’. I had planned on watching it while you were out tomorrow, but now, that will be your punishment.” I poked his chest with my pointer finger.
He leaned in closer, draping an arm over the back of the sofa behind me. “Spending time with you could never be a punishment.” His eyes flickered with something akin to fire, passion. His gaze assured me he spoke the truth, or what he believed to be the truth.
I merely stared into his fiery depths. I could look at him for hours. His dark olive skin contrasted beautifully against his midnight brown hair. His five o’clock shadow seemed to frame his rose lips, lips that always looked kissable.
I fidgeted as heat surged through me, gathering at my apex. His energy, his warmth, seemed to surround me, to swaddle me and encourage the flames he’s innocently ignited.
Noting my flush probably, he stood and moved towards the entertainment center. “Where is this movie of torture?”
I expelled a quiet breath, struggling to re-direct my body and mind. “Um, on the kitchen counter, I think.” I chanced a look at him.
Dressed casually in grey sweats, hiked up at the bottom over his muscular calves, and a white t-shirt that was sheerer on him thanks to his darker complexion, his athletic figure was obscured and showcased at once. The man was sexy no matter what he wore, but like this was my preference. I knew so long as he was dressed for lounging that he wasn’t leaving yet.
Yet.
I watched him disappear into the kitchen, returning a few seconds later with the movie. He was studying the cover with interest, but he gave no hints as to his thoughts on it. I indulgently took him in as he bent and popped the disc into the DVD player.
With the movie case and remote in hand, he returned to my side. He pulled me against him and leveled the movie cover, depicting several pregnant actresses, before us. “This will be you with my baby one day.”
My heart skipped a beat. This was the first time Ram had spoken of a future together. I fought against my excitement, not wanting to appear overeager. I wanted Ram, but I’d never broadcasted it to him.
Angling to look at him, I narrowed my gaze and pursed my lips, semi-challengingly. “You do realize you have to sleep with a woman to get her pregnant, right?”
Humor lit his eyes as he cracked a smile. “Yes, aşkım. It works the same in my country as it does in yours.”
“Uh huh.” I faced forward again, relaxing against him once more. My mind was whirling. Elation and trepidation battled within me. “I guess I could give you one baby,” I conceded.
“Three.”
I spun on him, my mouth ajar. “Three? What happened to one?”
“Two boys and a girl.” He spoke matter of factly, confident in the Universe’s plans. His eyes twinkled and a pleasant, happy expression lifted his features.
“I hate to burst your bubble, but it doesn’t work like that. If everyone got to choose what they had, the population would be very unbalanced in some countries. Plus, again, we have to have sex for you to knock me up.”
His smile turned predatory, his irises visibly darkening simultaneously. “We will, aşkım. One day I will be free to enjoy you.” He brushed his lips across mine. His touch was feather lite, yet it had my libido raging in seconds.
I looked forward to that one day.
Chapter Eleven
Aeren
It’d always been Ram. From the moment I met him, I couldn’t imagine a future with any man but him. He became all consuming. To know the feeling, the experience, was mutual was a relief. After five years, I knew where I stood with Ram. I knew the truth, the good, the bad and the ugly. I had all the answers I needed except one.
“I could never marry a murderer.”
His expression fell. His depths darkened, clouding the light present a moment ago.
“I could marry a man who protects himself, his countries and the citizens within them. I could marry a man who kills to protect the greater good, and that’s who I believe you are.”
His head shot up. “What are you saying, Ari?”
“I’m asking which man you will be tomorrow and the next day. I’m giving you one last chance to be totally truthful.”
“I am not the man I was twelve years ago, Ari. I serve this country now, not a terrorist, and I will never go back. I am going to kill Jorin, though.”
“You can’t just kill someone because they hurt me, Rahmi.”
Anger flashed in his depths. “I know. He is planning more, Ari. We have gotten word that he is planning a bomb, and it is my job to stop him. I know Jorin, and the only way I can stop him is to kill him. There
is no other way, aşkım. I have to murder him.”
“Under the provision of the C.I.A., right?” My stomach twisted in a ball of nerves. My heart beat just a little faster, uncertainty wavering at my surface.
“Yes. Sam will be with me on this mission. It is uncustomary, but, given my history with Jorin, they do not want me getting emotional and compromising what might be our only chance.”
I studied him, down on one knee before me. It had to be uncomfortable on the hardwood floors, but he didn’t fidget. He was strong and steady, consistent. “When do you leave?”
He stared at me quietly for a good half of a minute. “Tonight. We do not know how long Jorin is here, and must act quickly.”
My heart sunk. I’d just gotten him back and he was already leaving me. “How long will our lives be like this, with you constantly on the go, Rahmi?”
“Until you tell me to retire, that you can not take my absence anymore.”
“I could never do that.” I shook my head negatively. “This job, this lifestyle, is all you’ve known. You just told me that. It would be selfish of me to ask you to give that up for me.”
He froze, apprehension sharpening his expression. “What are you saying, Ari?”
“I’m saying I will never ask you to give up your career or to choose between us. I love you too much to do that.”
He gave nothing away. “I am sorry I am not the man you want, Ari.”
I slapped his chest, my face splitting into a teasing, chastising grin, one that told him he was going to feel foolish. “I’ve known your lifestyle all along, Ram. I’ve never enjoyed letting you go, but I relish your return every time. I haven’t moved on to another man because you’re the only one I’ve wanted. I want to you, Ram, as often as I can have you. I want to marry you.” When he just ogled me with this blank expression, I continued, “I’m saying a big, bold yes, Ram. Now get your ass up here and kiss me already.”
Anywhere (BBW Romance) Page 4