I did not wait for an answer. I tried to walk around him, out of the wardrobe, but he blocked me. “We will wait here.”
I would not beg or be gentle. I had said please when he had kidnapped me and it had not moved him. This time I did not have to say please. “Am I queen in name only? If my handmaidens do not see that I am unharmed and all is well, there will be much talk in the harem and servants quarters.”
“Your Majesty, I take my orders from the king.”
I lifted my left hand. He caught it against his face as I struck him. I felt his sharp cheekbone, the short hard hair where he was supposed to have a beard, his lips, and his hand pressing against mine. His cheeks were flushed with emotion as he moved my hand across his lips and then back onto the tender bruised skin of his cheek so that I was cradling it. This was, I realized, what I truly wished to do.
I could no longer maintain the anger that was shielding me from something worse: fear. I knew he was telling me something he could not say aloud. He cared for me as much as I had wished him to, except, because I cared for him too, I could not welcome his feelings. He might die from them, one way or another. And I had the girls of the harem and my people to think of.
He stepped closer to me, so close our bodies touched. My fears became more muddled and then faded altogether. I pressed my face against his neck. I wanted to kiss him and taste the salt on his skin.
One of the doors to my wardrobe began to open, and Erez released my hand. I stepped back and let out a breath I did not know I had been holding. The heat of his skin still warmed my palm. I made a tight fist around it. I wanted to keep something of him with me, and the heat, for however long it lasted, was all I could have. I was the king’s.
Erez looked stricken. His confidence and calm had fled from him as easily as my fears had fled from me. We had made a mistake, one I hoped he would forgive himself for.
A voice came from the entrance to the wardrobe. The Immortal from my guard did not address me. “The queen’s chambers are secure.”
I walked past Erez. “Soldier!” I called.
“Yes, Your Majesty?”
“Next time you speak about me as though I am not here, I had better not be.”
I ignored his stammered plea for forgiveness and went to kneel over my rug. How would Utanah describe it now? The richest red, the deepest green, the most majestic blue and gold, were interrupted by patches of black, and in one spot the rug had burned away completely leaving the tile visible.
Even as I stared at the rug it was not the reason for the ache in my chest. I could never have Erez, not as I wanted. I must think of him no more.
I wished Ruti were with me. I wanted to tell her of what had happened with the jugglers and how the eunuch Hathach’s command would override mine if ever my life were thought to be in danger. I wanted to hold her hands and see her face. I missed her so badly it was as though she had been torn from my body.
Please, God, send her back to me. However mangled her face is, I will be happy to look upon it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
* * *
RETURNS
Though I knelt upon the rug, when Hathach came to introduce himself to me, he managed to bow so deeply that his head was lower than mine. I could hardly bear to look at the eunuch who was going to be a constant reminder of the limits to my power.
“Your Majesty, shall I present the Immortals of your new guard?” he asked.
“No.” I stood up and faced him. Or I would have had he stood to his full height. I could not clearly see his face. Ruddy patches on his otherwise fair cheeks caused me to wonder if he drank more than a man that small should. Over his stooped frame I could see that Erez had not left me in order to resume his post outside my chambers. He had recovered his composure and was waiting for his next order. I took my gaze from him.
“Have this rug removed, Hathach, and arrange for another.”
“Shall I have several brought for you to choose from, Your Highness?”
“No.” I was certain that no matter how many times I said “no” to this new eunuch it would never become any less satisfying. “I will have whichever is least likely to remind me of this one.”
I did not want Hathach to witness any emotion that might come into my eyes when I looked at Erez. “You may both resume your duties,” I said as I turned away.
Ruti still had not returned by that evening. I paced back and forth. Where was she? Could the physicians still be tending her? Or had the king changed his mind and assigned her some other duty in the palace?
The two guards who stood inside the door of my chamber did not move a hair in any direction, but I knew they were watching me. Would they tell the other Immortals how I paced, how I seemed agitated, uncertain?
Finally I could take it no more. I would send Hathach for word of Ruti. “Open the doors,” I ordered the guards. Hathach was not outside my chambers. Perhaps he was still finding a new rug. Erez and another Immortal were standing guard on the right side of the doors, and without meaning to I looked directly into Erez’s eyes. Because it would appear strange to remain silent, I stupidly asked, “Are you the new members of my escort, the ones the king has chosen for me?”
Erez and the other Immortal knelt. “Yes, Your Majesty,” the man said, “the king has given us the great honor of serving you. We will protect you from any threat great or small.”
“No threat is small. Can I truly trust you—trust your eyes, your daggers, trust each of your words—trust you with my life?” I was too full of emotion.
“Yes, Your Majesty,” he said. “We will guard your life with our own.”
“What is your name?”
“Jangi,” he said.
I stepped closer, so I stood over him. “I want to see your face.”
Though he was older than Erez, perhaps twenty-two or more, his eyes were younger. They were wide and clear and seemed, like a child’s, to go directly into his thoughts. His face was nearly flat, like a platter upon which something was being offered to me.
“Thank you in advance for your service,” I told them. “Your task will not be an easy one. Rise.” Erez rose slowly, using a hand to help push himself to his feet. For an instant I wished that I had waved away their obligation to kneel, as I had seen the king do once before. But I could not pass up any opportunity to make men lower themselves to the floor before me. Especially now that I knew the commands of my head eunuch took precedence over mine.
I did not know what to say to gracefully end our introduction. “Thank you,” I said again. “Good night.” I turned and walked back into my chambers without acknowledging the pair of Immortals who had dropped to their knees on the left side of the doors.
The two guards inside my chambers shut the doors behind me, and once more I was alone with people I did not trust. Unlike Erez, my guards and servants were always careful not to look directly at me. If we sometimes gazed into each other’s eyes surely I would better know if I could trust each of them, but for the moment I was grateful for their show of respect. I did not want anyone to look into my eyes and know how frustrated I was.
When the eunuch who bore the wine approached, I waved him away before I could give in to my craving.
The next morning, as my servants bathed and dressed me and as they applied my cosmetics, I thought of Erez so near, perhaps too near, and of Ruti, who was too far away. If she returned to me I did not ever again want her to be out of my sight.
When I walked into my reception hall, the same two new Immortals were still at the doors. Hathach had joined them. They knelt, leaving a woman standing by herself. A scarf circled the lower half of her face and was tied behind her hair. The slightly crooked bridge of her nose and hooded eyes were visible. I started to rush toward her but abruptly stopped. You are queen, she would chastise me later if I embraced her in front of anyone. She quickly knelt.
It is I who should kneel before you, I thought.
“Your Majesty,” Hathach said, “the king is happy to return such
a loyal and brave servant to his most treasured queen, and he requests the pleasure of your company this evening.”
“Thank you. I cherish the great love my king bears me and I will have my servants prepare me so that I am as pleasing and beautiful as Ishtar herself. You are dismissed.”
When I brought Ruti to sit with me upon my cushions, the other servants suddenly seemed too intent upon their tasks. Their interest was so rapt it was surely feigned. I waved away a servant who was plumping my cushions and had the servant who bore the wine taste it in front of us and leave it. “You are dismissed from my chambers until tonight.”
Once they left, I considered the two Immortals at the door. “We must be within sight of my guards,” I told Ruti quietly, “but we do not need to be so near that they can hear us.”
I led her from my reception hall into my bedchamber. Her sandals whispered along the marble tile as she shuffled after me. When we were seated on my bed I looked at her. Her eyes were guarded. “The debt I owe you is greater than I can ever repay,” I said. “But that will not stop me from trying.”
“You owe me nothing, Your Majesty.”
“I will not carry an unpaid debt upon my shoulders. I will find a way to set it down, one good deed at a time. Now tell me, are you badly harmed?”
No. She did not look me in the eye.
“I wish you would take your scarf off, at least for a moment. I want to hear your voice more clearly and see your face.”
“You should not worry about my face.”
“Every time I look at it I will be reminded of your loyalty.” I leaned closer and Ruti’s hand shot up to press the scarf more tightly to her face. She shifted away. “Forgive me,” I said.
“You are always forgiven everything, my queen. You do not need to ask; to do so is beneath you.”
I pulled the royal purple scarf from my head, causing the gold coins to rustle against each other, and held it out to her.
She looked away.
“All should see how loyalty is rewarded,” I urged.
After a moment she turned her head back and looked at it. A little spark came into her eyes. “I will hold on to this scarf better than I held the assassin’s dagger, Your Majesty.” The silk caressed my fingertips as she gently pulled it from my hand.
She wandered to the far corner of the room and kept her back to me as she switched scarves.
When she turned around, the royal purple scarf was tied around her head and over the bottom of her face. Her spine was straighter as she came toward where I sat upon my bed. “Tell me, Your Majesty, everything I have missed. You are to be watched at all times?”
She has returned, body and spirit. I was so relieved that I almost forgot to answer her question. “Yes, I am to be watched each moment. The king thinks I am reckless.”
“I have heard how you walked between the archers’ arrows, plucking one from the air.” I could not tell from her tone whether she approved of this. “Perhaps Xerxes wishes not only to look after your safety but also to remind you that you are not a king. However humble and grateful you appeared the last time you saw him, you must appear more so tonight. Then he will not have to teach you of your own unimportance. You must seem already to know it.”
“Vashti was not humble.”
“And where is she now?”
“In his thoughts sometimes when he looks at me.”
“It is commonly believed that people can put whatever thoughts they would like in his head. It is why everyone wishes to be as close to him as possible.” She still had not rejoined me on my bed. “It is you who decides what he will see when he looks at you. Surely you know this?” Her eyes narrowed slightly—so slightly I might not have noticed if not for the scarf, which covered most of the rest of her face, emphasizing the movements of her eyes. “Did you not convince the king to assign an injured soldier to your escort?”
I fought to keep my voice even. “No, of course not. He is the one who kidnapped me so that I was made to march here with the other girls. He is the one from my nightmares.”
“It is better that soldier pulled you from your bed, than a soldier who would have done worse.”
“I had vowed to find out which soldier kidnapped me and kill him.”
“You were a girl when you made such a foolish vow. You have too many real enemies to concern yourself with men who follow orders.”
“I know you speak true, Ruti. I am grateful for your counsel.” Hoping I had convinced her that I had not asked for Erez to be among my guard, I returned to the topic of the king. “I will heed your advice tonight. The king will have the most humble girl in his empire.”
“Then perhaps tomorrow you will have the future of the empire in your womb.”
As my servants applied more kohl around my eyes, more pomegranate to my cheeks and lips, and more powder to my face, the butterflies fluttering in my stomach seemed to grow teeth. I remembered the night I had already spent with him and how he had not called me back for many nights since.
Though it was my face the cosmetics were being applied to, it was Ruti they seemed to bring to life. “It is good you are shaking slightly, Your Majesty. The king will like that you are afraid, and perhaps he will not take it upon himself to make you more so. Perhaps he will be gentler.”
When I finally stood in front of the doors that led from my chambers, my face was a mask of cosmetics, my skin was soft and perfumed beneath the crimson gown I wore, and my crown was pinned so tightly to my head that it pulled upon the skin beside my eyes. Around my neck I wore the chain with the eight-pointed star of Ishtar that he had given me. The king had allowed me only one night in which to conceive a son so far. I could not afford to disappoint him. Because I wanted to be fully alert, I had not had even a drop of wine.
I nodded to my guards to open the doors and suddenly I was looking at Erez.
In the torchlight I could see the bruises on his face. Tender, angry bruises. Or perhaps I was seeing with too much emotion. He did not look at me directly, but I knew he looked at me nonetheless.
I did not give him or the other members of my escort any orders. The king had issued a command from afar that made anything I said inconsequential. As we made our way to the king’s chambers, I was glad Erez could not see me staring at him, pretending he was the man with whom I would spend the night. I knew I should not imagine such things. I should think of nothing except putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to frown. If I thought of the king—would I do something to anger him, was he angry at me already, would he use this night to try to humble me so I would never again do something as bold as enter the military court—the corners of my mouth grew heavy.
All too soon we arrived at the chamber doors. Before anyone had even raised a fist to knock, the king said, “Send in my bride.”
I did not allow myself to glance at Erez as I entered my husband’s chambers.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
* * *
THE KING’S BED
The king, seeing how my hand shook, smiled. “My little bird has returned.”
Though we were only in his reception hall, as soon as someone pulled the doors closed behind me, he yanked my robe from my body and pushed me down onto the rug. I landed hard, feeling the roughness of the wool against my backside. With his foot, he moved one of my knees away from the other. Even my legs were trembling now. Think only of the son that you will make, I told myself.
He stepped back and lifted his tunic over his head. A shoulder rippled with muscle as he tossed it aside.
I could not summon an image of a son or anything else to ease my mind while Xerxes loomed over me. I squeezed my eyes shut as he came close. Nothing happened. I peeked up and saw him staring down at me, waiting.
A sudden rush of anger made me brave or perhaps foolish. I reached for the chain around my neck and held the eight-pointed star of Ishtar that he had given me up toward him. “Must I witness a king taking me—his queen—on the floor as though I were a common harem girl? Is that w
hat you wish for your Ishtar, mother of your future sons?”
I scrambled back away from him and stood up. Though I was careful to look only at his face, still I could not help but see his arousal.
He was not so careful with his own gaze. He looked at my neck, then the highest part of my chest, and then his eyes moved lower.
I did not allow myself to step back as he came toward me again. He bent and carefully collected me in his arms before rising to his full height. I liked being raised so high in the air.
“You are not common at all,” he said as he brought me deeper into his chambers. He set me on his bed. “It is both what draws me to you and the reason I worry—I do not know what you will do next.” The gentleness fell away from his voice. “But I do not plan to worry tonight. Unpin your crown.”
With trembling hands I did as he commanded. He took the crown from me and placed it on the table beside the bed. Then he held his hand out for the pins. I hesitated. I did not want to hurt him. “I have stretched my hand wide so that the pins will not catch in my skin,” he said. “Look.” I did not really look. I was afraid of seeing his arousal again. I dropped the pins into his palm and he put them beside the crown.
He pushed me back. “I have never before wished that a girl would come to me without first being scrubbed in rosewater and covered in oil of myrrh. I want to know who you are beneath your robes and perfumes; I want to truly taste you.” His breath was humid on my skin. He kissed the inside of my knee, a kiss that began as only the press of his lips against my flesh and became something more.
My fear was falling away, being replaced by something else. He made his way up my body, his breathing becoming heavier and his hands tightening on my legs. An inarticulate insistence arose within me, causing me to press my hips up against him.
“Now, my queen, you are ready.”
This time was more pleasurable than the last. I heard moans that seemed as if they came from someone else—not a girl, but a woman. A queen.
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