by Tessa Teevan
That was a brand-new dream that I hoped would eventually become a reality.
HOURS AFTER AVA HAD FALLEN asleep in my arms, my gaze was fixed on the ceiling. I could hardly believe she was there. In my home. In my bed. In my arms, sleeping peacefully, appearing sated and beautiful as ever. It wasn’t until the sun began to shine through my window that panic crept in.
I’d cut Ava off the night before when she’d brought the future up, even though I knew the only future I wanted was with her. But I was a guy. And, like most men, I was an idiot. Doubt clouded my mind. Could I really just let her walk back into my life and pick up where we’d left off? The idea of putting my heart on the line for her to turn around and break it all over again was unbearable. But how could I not?
Like she could read my mind, she shifted in my arms and gazed up at me with hooded eyes. She blinked twice then smiled the sweetest sleepy smile. God, no matter how much I wanted to ease my heart back into this, I couldn’t. I wanted to wake up to this sight every day for the rest of my life. I just needed to know she wanted the same. That this wasn’t some fling while she was home and then she’d jet-set off to California, destroying me all over again.
I needed to think. I needed to put some distance between us. Not forever. Not even for a day. But I also needed to get my head back on straight. Ava was the endgame for me, but I hadn’t expected to dive in head first, without seeing what lay beneath the surface.
Her nose wrinkled when I slipped out from underneath her and left the bed. I crossed to my dresser and took out work clothes. “So,” I said, unsure of what to say. Of what to do. Through all my wishful thinking, I hadn’t actually thought we’d be there. That Ava would be waking in my bed, her sleepy, blue eyes blinking as she watched me dress.
She rose from the bed, allowing the sheet to fall to her waist. The glimpse I got of her full breasts was almost enough to threaten my resolve.
Almost.
“Look, Ava.” I ran a hand through my hair, wishing it were her hand. I released a heavy sigh before I lied through my teeth. “This was a mistake.”
That was the second time in twelve hours I’d said something to that effect. I didn’t think it was a mistake. Not one bit. But I needed to know she didn’t, either.
Stupid—I knew it.
The way her swollen, ravaged lips puckered to form a surprised O sent all the blood in my body straight to my dick. Definitely not the message I was trying to convey.
Naturally, she noticed and a small grin formed on those lips.
“I don’t think that’s true, Tucker. It was good. We’re good together. You know it.”
She wasn’t wrong, and I knew I had to be honest.
“You’re right. It wasn’t a mistake. Kissing you, making love to you. Hell, nothing’s ever felt more right. But the truth is I’m fucking terrified right now. Were we good together? Absolutely. Do I want to do it again? Hell, it’s all I’m going to want to do now. I just…” I ran a hand through my hair. “You have the power to slay me, Ava. I don’t know what I’d do if you did.”
It was what I’d been afraid of the night before. I’d tried to tell Tucker that I wasn’t leaving this time. I wasn’t walking away from him. Heck, I’d jump into his arms and beg for him to never let me go if that’s what it would take. Things were different, I was different, and I’d wanted to explain all of that, but he hadn’t allowed me to. I couldn’t blame him for being hot and lukewarm—he never was quite cold, which let me know he was fighting his confliction. I understood what he was saying. I deserved his hesitation, his mistrust.
I wanted to plead my case. To promise him I’d never leave again. To guarantee I’d love him for the rest of my life and I’d go anywhere, live anywhere, as long as it was with him. But Tucker deserved more than that. He didn’t simply need my words; he needed my actions. So instead of telling him what I wanted to say, I set my plan in motion.
Playing dirty once again, of course.
I propped myself up on the bed, trying to suppress a grin when Tucker swallowed hard at the sight of my bare breasts.
“You don’t trust me,” I stated.
He merely blinked. I pushed the sheet aside to reveal my naked body and watched as he shifted from one leg to another. I climbed off the bed and crossed the room until I was standing directly in front of him. My hands slid up his naked torso and latched around his neck.
“I understand, and I deserve your mistrust. I have no intention of breaking your heart again, Tucker, but I also know you need time. So, for now, until you can trust me again, why don’t we focus on being friends again?”
His eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared. Clearly, being just friends wasn’t ideal. A good sign.
“Friends?” he asked.
“You know…with benefits,” I continued. Then I bit my lower lip, knowing how much it had always driven him crazy.
“Friends with benefits?” he repeated, a wicked gleam darkening his eyes.
Yes, it was the last thing I wanted, but I’d take him any way I could get him. It was obvious he wanted this. Just as obvious as it was that he was terrified of giving his heart to me again. I could understand that. I could respect it. As much as it pained me to suggest it, the last thing I wanted was him to ask for space. I’d agree to give his heart space. Just not him entirely.
I freed a hand and slid it between his legs, where it was evident the idea appealed to him. “Yes. No feelings, no romance. Just you, me, and that big ol’ bed.”
“For how long?” he asked, pushing me back until my thighs hit the bed.
“For as long as you want me,” I offered, hoping he’d say forever.
His voice was husky as his hand came up to cup my cheek. A thumb lazily stroked my skin, and I turned into his touch, enjoying the way he caressed me.
“I’ll always want you,” he admitted.
“Then I guess we better get started. Friend.”
At the word, he growled, scooping me up in his arms. Then he tossed me onto the bed and showed me exactly how friendly he could be.
It was evident friends would never be enough for either of us, but it was a start.
By the time Tucker had kissed me goodbye and headed off for work, he’d already made good on his promise. I absolutely had released a monster. After our little showdown this morning, he’d shown me just how good of a friend with benefits he would be. Three times.
Was I happy about being friends with benefits with the man who held my heart? No, absolutely not. But Tucker needed this. Our relationship needed this. He couldn’t dive in head first without testing the waters I’d muddied five years earlier. In the end, I thought we’d be better for it. Or, at least, I hoped.
Thankfully, Tucker had to be at some construction site at a ridiculously early hour and I was able to sneak into my house and get into bed before any member of the Banks clan had woken up for the day. I was blessed to have the day off, which was good because I did not want to explain to the makeup artist why she had to cover up the love bite I found on my neck after I’d showered.
As exhausted as my body was, sleep evaded me. I relived every moment of the evening before, marveling at the revelations I’d learned since coming home.
Tucker was T.A. Bankman, having admitted to writing the book for me.
Tucker was a virgin—or, well, he had been—because he’d been waiting for me, just as I’d been waiting for him.
Tucker still had strong feelings for me. Okay, so he hadn’t said it out loud, but the fact that he was afraid of putting his heart on the line was evidence enough.
I’d also made some of my own realizations.
Time and distance hadn’t changed the way I felt about him. It shouldn’t have surprised me because I’d loved him my whole life, but it did. It was as if I’d never left, and it was because my heart hadn’t. Even when I had been in California, half of it had stayed behind in Cincinnati, and it was becoming whole now that I was back with him.
With a smile on my face and warm memori
es in my heart, I drifted off to sleep, Tucker’s sweet smile on my mind.
“Wake up, sleepyhead!” Pacey’s laughter yanked me from my slumber as he jumped onto my bed.
I threw my covers back, and he crawled in. While snuggling with my littlest brother, a weight fell from my shoulders. I couldn’t believe I’d ever tried escaping this life.
Pacey’s small, blue eyes—a perfect mirror of my own—stared up at me with childlike wonder. “How long will you be here?” he asked what was apparently the million-dollar question.
“I don’t know, Pace. Maybe I’ll move back in and never leave. Would that be okay with you?”
He nodded profusely, looking like a cute little bobble head I’d just nudged with my finger. “Flynn tells me stories of what it was like when you were around.” He sighed at the thought that he’d missed out on some grand adventures.
In the moments to come, I would realize that’s exactly what Flynn had made it sound like. Pacey asked an endless amount of questions about what life was like when I was a kid.
“Daddy lets me watch you on TV sometimes. And I tell all the kids at school that you’re friends with Santa!”
I grinned at the pride in his voice. Last year, I’d had a small role in a Hallmark Christmas movie in which I’d played an elf. I’d only had a few scenes, but they’d all centered around Santa, and to Pacey, that was—in his words—“the coolest thing ever.”
“Maybe this year I’ll let you meet him,” I offered, wondering if Dad still had his Santa suit lying around.
“Yes!” He pressed his nose against mine, his eyes suddenly round. His lips puckered, and he gave me a sloppy kiss. He reared his head back then used the back of his arm to wipe the kiss away. “Ew.”
I tickled his belly. “Hey! Why did you give me a kiss and then take it back? Didn’t Flynn teach you anything? No take-backs!”
He leaned in close again. “You kiss Tucker alllllllllllll the time,” he said, dragging the word out for dramatic emphasis. “Flynn said so. He told me you’ve been kissing Tucker since I was a baby.”
“And?” I asked, wondering what the heck was going to come out of his cute, little six-year-old mouth.
“And…yep. Just like Eli said, it’s gross!”
“Why is it gross?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Exactly. Don’t you kiss Mom?” I asked, knowing full well he did.
He thought it over for a moment. “Yeah, but that’s different. I just give her pecks. Daddy’s the one who sucks her face off.”
I was barely able to contain my snicker. I’d grown up with Sierra and Jeremy Banks. A Sierra and Jeremy Banks who had given me little brothers, two of whom had come in my teen years. I totally felt the kid’s pain.
“It’s okay, Pace. When you get older, and I mean much, much older, you’ll find a girl whose face you want to suck off, too.”
Pacey flung the comforter back and jumped off the bed. He darted out of the room, almost running into Dad’s legs. My cheeks flushed at the sight of him.
“So…how much of that did you exactly hear?” I asked.
Dad grinned at me. “Enough to know that, when Pacey’s old enough to need the ‘birds and bees’ talk, I’m calling you.”
I threw a pillow at him, which he dodged expertly. He was kind of used to the move from my angsty teenage years.
“No way, Dad. You did such a stellar job with Flynn and me that it wouldn’t be fair for Eli and Pacey to miss out.”
His shoulders shook with laughter at, I was sure, the memory of how horrified I had been the first time my parents had explained how a new baby brother had come to be. It’s one thing to hear it from your science teacher. It’s another thing entirely when your eight-months-pregnant mother is explaining what Daddy did to create another one of life’s miracles.
It was no wonder I was a virgin until I was twenty-three.
“It worked with you. Your brother?” He ran a hand over his face. “Girls already call for him all the time. Maybe I need to knock your mom up again.”
Speak of the devil. Mom was standing behind Dad, carrying a load of laundry. She set the basket on my floor before placing her hands on her hips and mock-glaring at him.
“Jeremy Banks, I’ve already carried four of your babies. My baby-making factory is closed for business.”
Flynn walked in to catch the tail end of that.
She turned and winked at me before glancing back at Dad. “But I’m all about practicing.”
Flynn’s nose wrinkled as he plopped down next to me on the bed. “You’re so lucky you’re gone.”
I snorted. If he only knew. “Actually, Flynn, I’m realizing how much I’ve missed this. All of it.”
When he faced me, I was in awe at how much he resembled our dad. The older he got, the more his childlike features faded. Dad was right. They were going to have their hands full with Flynn.
“When you head back to California, can I have your room?”
I studied him for a moment. It was kind of surprising he hadn’t already taken it over, especially with how much he complained about a lack of privacy. As much as I didn’t want to give it up, I knew I’d never live in that home again. It seemed selfish to hold on to a room when it could be put to good use by my brother.
“That depends. Did you mean what you said about baseball being more important than girls?”
“Uh, yeah. I don’t have time for girls. Plus, can you imagine me bringing one over here? That’s embarrassment I don’t need in my life. I probably won’t even date until college just so I don’t have to introduce anyone to our parents.”
My lips twitched. I completely understood where he was coming from. I’d gotten off pretty easily with Tucker. An unknown girl with Mom’s oldest baby boy? I shuddered at the thought.
“Then yeah, Flynn. You can have my room.”
Somehow, I escaped the chaos that was my family on spaghetti night. It probably had something to do with Pacey accidentally dumping the entire strainer full of noodles on the floor. Not that anyone could be mad at him. He had only been trying to help Mom, something he’d been doing since he’d started first grade and felt like the big man around the house. Something that was equal parts hilarious and adorable considering he was the littlest guy there.
So, instead, the rest of the family ventured out for LaRosa’s, while I stayed behind to finish memorizing lines. Mom promised to bring me back a few slices of their incredible pizza as long I pledged to keep Pacey out of the kitchen on next week’s family dinner night.
With a glass of red wine and my script, I settled in on the deck, enjoying the cool autumn air. I tried—and failed miserably—not to stare longingly at Tucker’s house, but it was completely dark. His truck wasn’t in the drive, and after having watched my phone for hours, willing it to ring, I realized I hadn’t given him my number. I also didn’t know his—which I would quickly remedy.
Just as I was about to leave a note on his front door, my phone rang, causing me to jump. My heart skipped a beat, and I wondered if he’d somehow gotten my number. But it was Tawni.
“Hey!” I answered, out of breath and with a little too much enthusiasm. I hastily scrawled my number on a sticky note and used my thumb to press it on his door before I dashed down the steps and hightailed it back to my parents’ backyard.
“Okay, spill it, girlfriend,” she said, not even bothering to greet me.
“Spill what?” I asked, wincing when my voice squeaked.
“Ava,” she warned.
That was it. Tawni knew me better than anyone, and there was no keeping this from her. So I spilled, telling her every single thing. People say you shouldn’t kiss and tell, and that’s probably true, but I couldn’t help myself. Of course, while I kept the most intimate details to myself, she certainly got the gist.
When I was done, she released a wistful sigh. “A virgin? Waiting for you? God, that’s so romantic. So, is this it? Is the beautiful Ava Banks off the market once and for
all?”
I sighed. “No. As of now, we’re just going to be friends with benefits.”
Tawni huff was indignant, so I was quick to explain.
“He’s playing hard to get, guarding his heart until he can trust me again.”
“God, that’s exactly what Abby did. Talk about life imitating art. Man, Ava, it’s like you really were made for this role.”
She had me there. If she only knew. It was kind of funny how Tawni kept referring to Tucker and me as Trevor and Abby when, essentially, we were—with the roles reserved, of course. Not that I’d spill those beans. The last thing I wanted to do was betray Tucker’s trust when I was working to win it back. Still, it blew my mind that he’d written this incredibly poignant masterpiece—even more so that he’d done it with me, with us, in mind.
Tawni and I chatted for a little while longer before I claimed I needed to study my lines and ended the call. The truth was that I’d read it so many times that I could recite them blindfolded. And still, with every single read through, I would find some new hidden meaning behind his words.
Tears were streaming down my face when I closed the manuscript. Even though I was well aware of Trevor’s demise, it was never easier to read those final words. Abigail’s anguish pierced my soul. The message in the story was beautiful. We never know how much time we have, so instead of pushing the ones you love away, hold on to them for dear life. That’s exactly what I planned to do with Tucker. I didn’t want to waste another second without him in my life. God forbid something happened to either of us. I had to know I’d made the most of our time together.
I was wiping my eyes when my phone vibrated. It was from an unknown number, but as soon as I read the text, I knew exactly who it was from.
Unknown: So if we’re friends with benefits, does this mean I can officially become a booty call, too?
The laughter the message brought on was exactly what I needed. I’d been so engrossed in what I was reading that I hadn’t even seen him come home.