by Rue Volley
I sighed and rubbed my palms, it should have been a happy moment, one of those times that you really, really looked forward to. I looked back when my door opened. Oh thank god, I thought. It’s Holly. I need her to tell me that I am ready to take this giant step… just one word of encouragement… just one.
She looked at me and nodded as she walked to the chair by my bed and I watched her. She had no clipboard in her hand and her hair was down. She looked different, more relaxed… softer maybe. She sat down and crossed her legs. I looked at her and waited for her to tell me she changed her mind. Maybe she should, if she knew… she would. I sat down on my bed.
“Are you feeling well today?” she asked me.
I grinned and looked at my hands and back up at her. I let my hands rest on my lap.
I think today I am going to practice not messing with them.
“Yea, I feel good… nervous, but good. I guess,” I said.
She grinned and tilted her head. She gently touched her mouth and cleared her throat.
I felt a ‘but” moment coming on… I think that I am just being paranoid.
“Tell me, Rue, how does Blake make you feel?” she asked me.
Well, that came out of nowhere. I looked at her and blinked.
“Ummm, I don’t really know,” I said to her.
She uncrossed her legs and placed her hands on her knees.
I waited; I mean she has to have a reason for that question, right?
“I find him charming… innocent in a way,” she said.
“Yea, I guess you could say that,” I responded. She smiled.
“I think that I just want to do one little exercise before you take your first step towards freedom,” she said.
“Freedom?” I asked her.
I guess if I had been honest with her about, oh I don’t know… imaginary boy making me… ummm... on my floor and oh yea, running into myself… she may not be saying the word “freedom” so freely. I smiled anyway though. Freedom… like a bird. Yes, I like that a lot.
“Yes, Rue… You have been doing so well. Blake tells me that it is remarkable.”
I grinned. Sweet Blake, of course he would say that.
“Okay, well what do you want me to do?” I asked her.
“It’s really quite simple. I say a word and you give me one word back, the first one you think of… Sound reasonable to you?” she asked.
I nodded... sounded easy enough.
I walked to the window and looked out. It was a beautiful day, my day.
I turned back to her and smiled.
“Is it okay if I stand here?” I asked. She nodded.
I looked back out the window and watched the leaves on the trees blow in the wind.
I could almost hear them whispering to me.
“Color,” she said.
I blinked and looked down. I said I’d do this, so I have to try.
“Life,” I said to her. I guess this isn’t like a fail or pass, at least I would hope not.
“Mouth,” she said.
I sighed and a flash went through my mind, of you know who… I mean come on.
His mouth is amazing.
“Kiss,” I said.
She paused, I glanced at her. I hoped she didn’t think I wanted to ‘kiss’ Blake.
I really don’t think about it… I mean I do think about kissing, but not with him.
“Touch,” she said.
I was really starting to get the feeling that she was trying to get me to say ‘Blake’… I was not going to though, so no worries.
I took a breath and looked at the sky.
“Want,” I said.
“Want is a good thing,” she said.
I turned around to her and tilted my head.
“Yea, I guess,” I said.
“Want is what makes us do; it is a reason... a reason to motivate,” she said to me.
“Want is also something that can hurt,” I said to her.
She leaned up and looked at me. I hope I didn’t just delay my pass for the day.
“You really believe that, Rue?” she asked me.
“I do. I prefer ‘need’… ‘Need’ is much stronger than ‘want’.”
“Mmmm,” she said as she leaned back on the chair.
I felt a slight vibration, but it was coming from the floor… not my body. I looked at her and she smiled at me. I was not telling her that I just felt that, it would not help me. I mean… the floor just vibrated my feet… come on.
“I think it is time,” she said.
I sighed… Oh thank god, I passed. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
She stood up and walked to me. She touched my hair and I felt a little uncomfortable. I mean, normally we had something between us… a bed, a desk… sanity. This was the first conversation that I felt like we were equals. Maybe I was getting better. Maybe I was taking the step I needed to. Need… need. I need this.
Blake tapped on the door and Holly and I both looked at him. He nodded to her and she nodded back. She walked up to him and whispered something. He looked down as she talked and then glanced at me. He nodded back to her and she walked out of the room. I stood there, feeling like I was being paroled.
“Ready?” he asked me.
I looked around the room… the room that had housed me for years.
I smiled and took a deep breath. He watched me.
“What are you doing?” he asked me.
I opened my eyes and looked at him.
“Smelling the room,” I said, like it was normal. I felt like it was anyway.
He grinned. I did too. He didn’t care that I smell everything, good.
He held his hand out to me and I took it. We walked out of the room and started to walk to the elevator. He punched in his code and I didn’t even look. I don’t care what it was. We were walking out of there and I couldn’t care less about numbers and well, anything else really.
We stepped onto the elevator and I looked over at him. He had my hand in his, it felt warm and a little sweaty. I let it go and wiped it on my pants. I looked down and realized that I was in asylum gear. Awesome. I shook my head and touched my shirt. He noticed; I guess he notices everything… I guess that is nice.
“You don’t have any clothes; I checked… When you came here you were in some, but they threw them away,” he said.
I sighed. Of course they did.
Perhaps if I had the clothes I came in, I would have remembered something, but no.
I shook my head. He leaned over to me.
“I got you some,” he whispered to me.
My face lit up. I mean… he bought clothes for me, how endearing.
He thought about it too… ahead of time, awesome.
“There is a place to change on the first floor. I left them there… in my locker,” he said.
“Thank you… You didn’t have to do that,” I said, although it just thrilled me that he did.
The elevator dinged and we stepped out onto a floor that was so large I couldn’t believe that it existed. I looked up at the ceiling, it was painted… I tilted my head to look at it. It was clouds… bright white against a beautiful blue. He watched me as I stared at it.
“Pretty, huh?” he asked me.
I looked at him and nodded.
He started to walk across the large room and I let him lead me. I glanced over at the circular desk in the middle. A girl sat there reading a book. I heard a whisper and something welled up in me… like a memory. I held my breath for a moment, hoping that I wasn’t going to freak out. Nothing happened. The whispering stopped and I smiled at the girl. She set her book down and adjusted her glasses as she watched us walk, rude, I thought to myself. I mean, she didn’t have to look at me like I was escaping. I’m wasn’t . I got a pass.
Blake pulled me along until we came to an ‘employees only’ door and he opened it up. I stepped in, in front of him. I looked at the row of lockers and waited. He walked past me and down the row, stopping at his, and typed in the code. I stood
there holding my hands in front of me. He opened it up and pulled out a bag. It looked all cute... I guess. It was pink with white polka dots on it… all girlie… so not me. I sighed as I suddenly feared what he chose for me to wear. God… not pink, I thought. I heard another whisper well up in my ears, it sounded like laughter. I shook my head as he walked towards me.
I am so not going to freak out… not now, Rue.
He stopped in front of me and held the bag out to me. I looked at it and grinned. I didn’t care what he bought for me to wear; I was determined to pull it out and regardless of how I felt, I was going to smile and say ‘thank you’. I was going to be grateful, as I should have been. I took it in my hand and placed it on the floor. I pulled the pink paper back and there it was. The ugliest top I have ever seen. I mean, I think it was. By the way my stomach felt I would guessed that the only thing worse could have been a sack… a brown sack with pink bows on it.
I pulled it out and held it up. It was pink, with pink on pink with pink flowers. Really? Oh god. It had a collar on it with pink buttons, pointed, with metal on the tips of the collar. I grinned, this wasn’t going well. I laid it over my arm and pulled out the pink skirt to match it. Holy crap.
I had to quickly tell myself that this was a gift, given by a nice boy, who had played a vital role in me getting to visit the world. I wanted to say something nice, I really did… I am searching my mind for something… anything, to be nice. Nice and thankful. He waited and leaned forward. I looked up and he grimaced. Shit. I guess my face is not cooperating with what my mind said to do. I grinned, showing my teeth.
“Thank you,” I said to him, trying to hold back laughter.
He stood up straight and rubbed his neck.
“The girl at the store said it would look awesome on you. I told her how you look, black hair… pale skin, and green eyes. She said that pink was it… the only thing that would make you look pretty.”
“I am so glad she knew,” I muttered.
“Knew what?” he asked me.
“That pink would be the only thing that would make me pretty,” I said.
He held out his hand.
“No… I mean, you are pretty… every day, Rue,” he said to me.
I wished that his statement would have been enough, but I couldn’t imagine pink on me. I guess I hate pink. Really, really hate it. Good… I have had a break through. Holly would just love it. I stood up and gripped the bag. He smiled, nervously.
“Ummm, you can change over there,” he said as he pointed to a door.
I nodded and walked to the door. I opened it up and stepped in. I dropped the bag and held my hand over my mouth as I laughed. Blake stood outside the door and leaned in.
“You okay?” he asked me.
I shook my head and tried to calm down.
“Yep,” I said, about an octave higher than I usually talk.
I looked at the bag and shook my head.
“God,” I whispered.
I changed and looked down; I looked like I should be going back to my room. I mean, the outfit was ridiculous. I pulled at the skirt. It went all the way to the floor. I sighed and took a breath. I guessed it was time for the big reveal. I hope I didn’t still have the ‘you have got to be kidding me’ look on my face. I started to pull on the doorknob and it opened up. Blake stood there; he couldn’t wait I guess. He stepped back from me and got a big smile on his face. He can’t like this on me. Can he? He held out his hand to me and I took it. He spun me around and watched my skirt do a twirl. I stopped and looked up at him.
“You look amazing,” he said.
I couldn’t believe it. He has got to be kidding…right?
I looked at him and manufactured a smile.
“Thanks,” I said, trying to not make it sound like a question.
He started to walk, still holding my hand in his. I followed. You know, I couldn’t care about the dress and his lack of taste. It wasn’t a big deal… me going outside was. We stepped out of the room and the girl behind the desk glanced at me. I stood there waiting for her to roll off of her chair laughing. She didn’t; she went back to her book reading. Huh. Maybe I was being stupid… trivial and stupid. Maybe this was what everyone wore in the world. I hoped not, but maybe it was.
We walked towards the door. The sun was shining brightly on the glass.
I took a breath and stopped just as he touched the door. He stopped and looked back at me.
“You okay?” he asked me.
I squeezed his hand and relaxed my face. I was going to step outside… for the first time in who knows how long. He opened the door and the sun hit my face. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, it smelled like honey.
***
Johnathan pried another door open and fell through it. Sam peeked over him as he pulled himself up and started to cuss. Same floor again. He sat there on his knees, completely disgusted.
“Shit!” Johnathan yelled out.
Sam stood there and held her hand out to him.
He pulled himself up from the floor and stood there, staring down the hallway.
“This is beyond ridiculous,” Sam muttered.
“Yea… it is,” Johnathan said.
“I am afraid that I don’t know what to do,” Sam said to him.
Johnathan looked at her and shook his head.
“That is so not the attitude we need,” he said to her.
She placed her hands on her hips.
“What attitude should I have then, Johnathan…? I mean, we have run up the stairs fifty times and it’s the same every time… same hallway,” she said.
“Maybe we should go down the hallway then,” he said to her.
“I don’t know what that would do,” she said to him.
He shook his head.
“Well, we gotta try… right?” he said to her as he started to walk.
Sam raised her hands to her head and then dropped them to her sides. She knew that she could bitch, but what good would it do? She started to follow him, against her better judgment.
“Johnathan, at some point we need to go through the mirror. The longer we stay… the less we will remember.”
“I feel just fine, Sam,” Johnathan said as he started to peek in rooms.
“Well, you do now… but it will start, I just know it.”
Johnathan stopped when he heard something at the end of the hallway.
He looked at Sam and held up his hand to her.
“Do you hear that?” he asked her.
Sam tilted her head and heard it too. Sounded like a whimpering. A girl, maybe?
Johnathan started to run and Sam tried to stop him.
“Don’t just run…” Sam started to say.
She stopped as she watched Johnathan motionless, looking in a room.
“Rue?” Johnathan said as he started to step forward.
Sam flashed to him and grabbed his arm. She looked in the room. A girl sat in the corner, balled up… holding her knees. She tilted her head and looked at Johnathan. Sam felt her blades start to vibrate. She slowly pulled one from her back. Johnathan looked at her with confusion on his face.
“What are you doing?” he asked her.
Sam held onto him.
“That is not Rue,” she whispered.
Johnathan shook his head and stepped toward the girl, pulling from Sam’s grip.
Sam held her hand out to him.
“Johnathan… don’t,” Sam said as she stood her ground.
Johnathan started to walk slowly towards the girl. She had a blanket wrapped around her, crying. Johnathan leaned down and tried to look at her face. She had it buried in her knees. He held his hand out to her and glanced back at Sam. Sam shook her head at him and gripped her blade tightly.
“Rue… We are here… to take you home. It’s Johnathan, Rue. I have been looking for you.”
The girl stopped crying and moved a little. Johnathan smiled.
“I know that you are scared, Rue… I love you. I just want to take you
home with us.”
The girl started to lift her head slowly.
Sam pulled her other blade… Green was swirling on the metal chaotically.
“Johnathan… step the fuck back from it,” Sam said, with as much authority she could muster in her voice.
Johnathan shook his head and waited. He knew it was Rue… He could feel it.
“Johnathan, for once… just once… listen. Don’t be an idiot,” Sam said.
The girl started to hold her hand out to him. He looked at her hand, all pale and small… The hand that he remembered… The hand that had once touched him lovingly, held his face… touched his lips. He reached towards her fingers and Sam lunged forward, grabbing the back of his leather shirt and throwing him behind her. Johnathan slid through the door and it slammed shut. He stood up quickly and started to push on it, pounding on it with his fists. Sam listened to him as she stared at the girl. The girl threw the blanket off of her as she stood up in a flash. It was Rue, full battle gear, blades in hand. Sam grinned at her.
“You are not Rue,” Sam muttered to her.
The girl tilted her head and grinned, showing her perfectly white teeth.
“So doubtful, Samantha Barrington… so much hatred for the world,” the girl said.
Sam gripped her blades and tilted them in her hands.
“Who are you?” Sam asked her.
The girl shifted her weight and Sam did too.
The girl smiled.
“Oh, it is so nice to finally have a warrior standing before me. I grow bored of this place,” the girl said as she stood motionless.
“You didn’t answer me… Who are you?” Sam said, growing impatient.
The girl backed up and leaned against the wall; she placed her blades in the holders on her back and placed her hands on the wall. She started to crawl up the wall backwards. Sam watched her and took a step back. The girl crawled up to the corner of the ceiling and crouched there. Sam took a breath and held her blades tightly, waiting for a battle to start.
The girl laughed and tilted her head at her.
“You know me Sam… I’m Rue,” she said to her.