by Nikki Urang
It would make sense for either Nathan or Brandon to be behind it. They’re both jerks who feel like they can do whatever they want to the girls in their life. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that either had forced something on a girl.
Brielle scrolls down further. “Ooh, what about…?”
I look up at her, waiting for her to finish, but she’s staring at her computer like she broke something. “Who?”
She bites her lip. “Luke.”
I frown. We’ve been over this before. “It’s not Luke.”
Even with everything he’s put me through, I still don’t believe it’s him. He’s had ample opportunity to try to have sex with me. And there wouldn’t have been a point to him fighting with me if he were still trying to get me to sleep with him. He would have to know that he’s ruined all chance of that ever happening.
He wouldn’t do this. It would violate every ounce of trust I’ve ever placed in him, and he has proved that he wants that much, at least. Regardless of how other people seem to think he is, he’s shown me that he isn’t capable of such a terrible thing. He’s worked so hard with me over the past few months to help me get used to dancing with him. Someone who has the brains to come up with a sex game doesn’t strike me as a person who cares about other people’s feelings.
One thing’s for sure—if I knew that he’d created a game that has hurt so many people, there’s no way our relationship could survive. There’s no way that I would ever be able to let him touch me again.
They both stare at me.
“What?” I ask.
Brielle shrugs. “Nothing.” She exchanges a glance with Adam before they go back to reading her computer screen.
As much as he infuriates me, I know Luke wouldn’t do something like this. I sigh, regretting my behavior earlier today. It’s my own fault for thinking he would move past the friend zone with me. I knew he wasn’t the type. He told me so himself.
“So, confession. The Conversatory blog? I kind of know who started it originally, before it got taken over as The Hit List.”
This can either be really good or really bad. “Who?” I ask.
He sighs. “It was Jake. He set it up, but there’s a bunch of people that contribute to it. I doubt he has anything to do with it, but it’s still a little sketchy.”
Brielle gasps and a look of horror crosses her face. “You knew that this whole time and you didn’t say anything? It’s like I don’t even know you.”
“It doesn’t mean he’s behind it. It just means maybe it’s not someone here. It could be anyone in the community that knows the students here.”
“Or it could mean Jake is behind it. That little bitch.” Brielle scrolls through the page on her computer.
Adam shrugs. “I just thought I’d let you guys know.”
Shifting on the bed, I stare up at the ceiling. This opens up a world of possibilities for who could have started the game. People who aren’t Luke.
Luke.
Why does he have to be so frustrating? I hate being angry at him all the time. I know he doesn’t have anything to do with this game. Why is it so hard to let go and trust him?
I roll off the bed. I have to apologize. We can still set this right and dance together. Prove everyone wrong—those who think we can’t, who think I’m less talented than Patrick, who think Luke’s only a name because of his parents.
“Where are you going?” Brielle asks.
“For a walk.”
I need to apologize. From his point of view, I’ve been the jealous girl with a crush for weeks. I’m sure he’s had enough of me, but he’s taken it in stride. He deserves a lot of credit for not freaking out at my crazy attitude. This is right.
I walk through the empty halls, trying to decide what I want to say. I don’t want to fight with him anymore. We need to set everything aside so we can do well in Fall Showcase. As much as it’ll hurt me, I need to let my wall down with him even though I know he won’t return any of my feelings. If I ever want to prove to myself that a guy isn’t going to screw up my dreams, I need to do this for me.
Luke answers the door right away and I breathe a sigh of relief when Nathan isn’t in his room. I don’t want to have this conversation with other people.
He stares at me and I have to look away so I can arrange my thoughts.
“Look, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to be forced to dance with a new partner this close to Fall Showcase.”
“I understand why you wanted to work with someone else. This hasn’t been easy.”
I pick at my fingernail, unable to meet his eyes. It doesn’t help that he isn’t being a jerk. Nice Luke is more unsettling than when he’s an ass. “I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for you either.”
He laughs. “What are we doing, Sadie?”
I glance up at him, a humorless smile on my face. I don’t even know. I’ve been stumbling along since I got to The Conservatory. Dancing with Luke, falling for Luke, has thrown me for a loop and I’ve been struggling to stay above water for a long time. “I’m just trying to survive. What are you doing?”
He looks straight into my eyes. “I’m trying not to fall in love with you.”
I don’t know if I can say it back. I know he doesn’t expect it, but he deserves it. All the hell I’ve put him through, all the struggles we’ve had, he deserves the real me. He deserves the truth on my terms.
“Truth or dare,” I ask.
He doesn’t move. “Truth.”
“I hated you when I met you. I tried to go into it with no judgments after all the things Brielle said about you. But you were an obnoxious dick. Not because you were actually annoying. Because I needed to find a flaw in you.”
He flinches at my words. It’s harsh, but I need him to understand where I’ve been coming from the past few months. I need him to understand what it’s been like, why it’s so important that I trust him.
I know this isn’t how the game works, but I don’t care. He’s been vulnerable with me so many times.
It’s my turn.
“Truth or dare,” I say again.
“Truth.” His voice shakes.
“You’re the only person who’s cared enough to try to figure me out, and I am so grateful for that. Because of that, I can dance with you.” I shake my head, a tear falling down my cheek. “But I can’t dance with anyone else. Because I only trust you.”
My wall has done an excellent job of keeping people out since Patrick left. And maybe that means that none of them were worth it. Maybe my heart had been waiting for Luke all along.
“Truth or dare.”
“Truth.”
I take a deep breath. This one will be the hardest. “I didn’t come here expecting to fall for you. I wanted a fresh start, and I hated that you stood in my way of that. But I’ve realized something. You are my fresh start. If I hadn’t come here, if I hadn’t met you, I don’t know if I would have trusted anyone ever again.”
Luke and Patrick used to be similar people in my mind. But they’re not. Patrick was cold and selfish, only caring about himself in the end. Despite all the times I’ve pushed Luke away, he’s proven that he’ll always be here for me, no matter what.
I brace myself for the last one. “Truth or dare.”
His hands are gripped so tight, his knuckles turn white. “Truth.”
Tears stream down my face. “I want you to kiss me. I want you to kiss me and tell me you don’t feel anything. Because I know you do, and neither of us deserves that lie.”
He’s off the bed and standing in front of me before my brain can register the movement. His hands find my face and his thumbs wipe the tears away. He holds me there until I can’t stand another second and I push up on my toes, closing the gap between us.
His lips are soft against mine and I can taste the salt from my tears as they fall. His hands slide off my face and find my waist, pulling me closer to him. My arms wrap around his neck and I thread one hand through his hair, holding him to me.
And
I can feel it. Every single feeling he’s ever denied. Every feeling I’ve told myself I didn’t have. I can feel it in the kiss. The pain when we fight, the fear that we believe some of the things we’ve told each other, the hurt when we thought we were losing each other, the love that’s been hidden until now.
I pull away, resting my forehead on his chest.
He rubs his hand up and down my back. “Truth or dare.”
I take a deep breath, not sure if I’m ready to hear what he has to say. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if he says he still doesn’t want a relationship.
“Truth.”
His hand covers mine and he places it over his chest. “I love you.”
THE HIT LIST UPDATE
November 2
I realize I just updated this today, but I have more to say. You all know how I feel about anonymity. It wouldn’t be fair to only out the girls on our list. So here is the list of participating Hitters. Oh, I’m sorry, you thought you were safe collecting points? Bummer.
Nathan Roberts
Brandon Lancaster
Henry Davis
Jordan Young
Brent Finley
Aidan Moore
Paul Lopez
Mark Sullivan
John Hicks
Bryce Mitchell
Jack Hamilton
Dan Boyd
Max Tucker
Sam Chapman
Ryan Mason
Tyler Pierce
Noah Porter
Alex Shaw
Luke Morrison
The game is still on. Good luck to our Hitters now that their identities have been revealed. Happy hitting!
~ THE HIT MAN
20
I lay on Luke’s bed, my head on his chest. He traces patterns on my arm with his fingertip.
I could lie here with him all day. Actually, that’s most of what I’ve been doing for the past two days, ever since he told me he loved me. We go to class, meet up for rehearsal, and then just hang out. It’s nice to finally have a happy streak with Luke. We deserve it.
“We should probably try to squeeze in some extra rehearsal since we’ve been slacking the last week,” I say, shifting my head so I can look at him.
He shrugs. “We know the steps. We’ll be fine.”
I snuggle into his chest. He’s probably right.
The door opens and Nathan walks in, throwing his bag on the bed. “Hey, love birds.”
I sit up. “That’s my cue to leave.”
Luke walks me to the door. “I’ll swing by later. We can go rehearse,” he says, raising his eyebrows on the word “rehearse.” “Do you have a studio reserved?”
I laugh at his suggestion. “I always have a studio reserved.” I push him back into the room, but he grabs my arm, pulling me with him, and kisses me.
It’s hard to believe that everything’s changed so quickly. We were at each other’s throats a few days ago. I’m glad I was able to be honest with him. I needed it for me and for our dancing.
I walk back to my dorm room, excited about the chance to dance with Luke for the first time since I’ve been here. I’m confident about Fall Showcase. We’re going to do amazing, I can feel it. As long as we can keep being honest with each other.
Brielle sits at her desk when I walk through the doors. “Have you seen this new Hit List post?” Her voice sounds worried and a little angry.
I’m so sick of that stupid game. “No, why? Is someone new winning this week? Big deal.”
“It doesn’t say who’s winning. It’s the name of the guys who are playing.”
“Seriously?” I lean on the back of her chair so I can read over the post.
Her hands fly to the computer screen. “I don’t think you want to see this.”
I pull them back. “I’m going to see it eventually.”
“Okay.” She chews on her lip.
I read through the post. A few names stand out at me. Brandon. Nathan. Several of the names are guys in some of my non-dance classes. A few I recognize from other departments. A few I expected to see aren’t there. Like James. I remember when he asked me out a couple months ago. I guess he wasn’t playing, after all.
My hand slips off the back of the chair when I read the last name on the list. Luke Morrison.
“Oh, my God.”
“My thoughts exactly,” she says.
All the times he’s said he wasn’t playing, that I had nothing to worry about, that he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. It was all a lie. He’s been playing the entire time. This whole time I’ve been worried about every other guy on campus when he was the one I needed to worry about. He’s the one who has the power to hurt me the most.
And he has hurt me. How are we supposed to recover from this? How are we supposed to dance at Fall Showcase when I know he’s been using me for the last three months? He never wanted this to work. He just wanted to get some points in a fucking game.
“Oh, my God,” I repeat. The walls start to close around me and I’m forced to sit on the floor so I don’t pass out.
This cannot be happening. Not when things finally started going right. Not when I learned how to let go. Not after I’m happy. I deserve to be happy, dammit.
Brielle’s computer dings again.
“Is that another post?” I ask.
“No, it’s an email from Miss Catherine.” She opens it into full screen so I can read it too.
The faculty has recently become aware of a blog game called The Hit List circulating around The Conservatory. Let this serve as a warning. Any future involvement will result in immediate expulsion. If you have any information about the person responsible for posting this game, please contact me immediately.
-Miss Catherine
“Wonderful.” Brielle closes her email. “Took her long enough to get interested, but at least she’s doing something.”
“Yeah. Maybe it’ll stop now.”
She snorts. “I doubt that.” She pulls her dance bag out of the closet. “I’m over this. I’m going to work out.”
“Okay.” I stare up at the ceiling, feeling like our small school has started to fall apart.
Any time a bunch of performing arts kids are grouped together there’s bound to be drama, so I expected something. But I never thought I’d be part of a sex scandal. And I’d never thought the guy I finally fell for would turn out to be just like Patrick.
Someone knocks on the door. I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. It’s probably Adam looking for Brielle anyway.
“Sadie, it’s Luke. Please open the door.”
Absolutely not. I don’t ever want to see him again.
His voice is softer when he speaks again. “Please let me explain. Then you don’t have to talk to me again. I’ll leave you alone.”
I roll my eyes and slide off the bed. Whatever he has to say can’t possibly hurt me anymore than what I’ve read. I pull the door open.
Luke looks surprised when I open the door. His hair sticks up all over the place, like he’s been running his hands through it nonstop.
“What do you want?” I cross my arms over my chest and lean against the doorframe to block his entrance. I might not have the strength to kick him out once he comes in. It’s easier to keep him in the hallway.
“I just want to talk to you.” He looks up and down the hallway. “But I’d rather not do it out here in the open.”
I need to be strong. Just because I let him in doesn’t mean I can’t shove him out again. I’ll give him a chance to explain. I’ll dance with him at Fall Showcase because I don’t have any other choice. And then I’ll cut him out of my life.
I push the door open with my foot and walk farther into my room. He follows me and shuts the door behind us. I sit down on my bed. He stands as far away as possible, like he’s afraid I’ll lash out at him.
I’m sick of the silence. “What did you want to tell me?”
He crosses the room and pulls me up. His lips crash into mine before I have a chance
to move away. His arm winds behind my back. I couldn’t pull away from him even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to.
The next words out of his mouth are going to ruin my life. I don’t want to feel anything but hate for him, but I can’t seem to hang onto the feeling. The second he touches me, I remember every single reason why I like him.
He’s brought me so far since September. I wouldn’t go back to that place if I had the chance. Back to the girl who couldn’t trust anyone, who didn’t have any friends, who couldn’t dance with a partner. Not only am I a better dancer because of Luke, I’m a better person.
If our relationship has been a lie, does that mean my progress has been a lie? What if I go back to how I was before I met Luke? It will be like the last three months never even happened. The only difference will be my resolve to never let my wall down again.
I let my guard down. I convinced myself I could trust someone again. I put my heart out there only for it to get stomped on. And it got me nowhere.
Lesson fucking learned.
I lean back away from him. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep letting him in.
He scrubs his hand over his face. “You’re going to hate me after I tell you this.”
“You’re not doing a lot for my confidence in you right now.” I step away from him.
Being close to Luke increases my probability of forgiveness. I can’t do that to myself this time. I need to put my heart first. I need to protect it from the harsh reality of life.
People always leave. And usually they take my heart with them.
“I don’t know who is behind it now, but I started The Hit List. The piece of paper you found was part of what I printed when I was going to bring it to my mom. But then I decided to try to figure out who was behind it myself.”
My heart collides with my lungs at his words. I don’t know how to breathe. I don’t know how to survive.
“What?” My voice comes out a whisper.
He can’t be serious. He can’t actually think I’m going to sit here and listen to this. I can’t handle it.
“Two years ago, I came up with a game. I was here all the time and no one would have guessed it was me. I wasn’t actually a student then. I was seventeen and dumb and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.” He shifts closer to me. His eyes are glossy. Somehow that makes it hurt more.