“Fine,” I say, wiping dirt from my backside. “I’m up.”
“That’s my girl.”
He uncaps a water bottle and hands it to me, like calling me his girl is totally normal. He takes the lead, shouldering his book sack, which holds water and other nameless supplies he carries around. We follow the trail, sticking close to where the woods are less dense. I spend more time admiring him than the scenery, but he doesn’t complain, just smiles when he catches me. He likes it.
“Tell me something you want to do before you die,” he says, picking up twigs for a fire later.
I hand him an especially dry stick, wiping my palms on my shorts after I check for bugs, and ignore his knowing smile as he resituates the stack in his hands. “You go first,” I say.
“Mhm,” he sounds. “I’d love to have a family. You know, the whole married with kids spiel.”
“How many kids?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. However many my wife is willing to give me.”
I smile, loving the way he has the all-American dream mapped out in his head. “Raising Lilly didn’t scare you enough?”
He smiles. “You would think so, but she came out alright, I suppose.”
“A little klepto, but that’s only a minor flaw.”
Laughing, he picks up another stick. “Your turn.”
I contemplate my answer. “I don’t really have any life goals. I guess my dream for the future would be to live near the beach. I’d lay in a hammock, drink mimosas, and read books all day.”
“So you don’t want a family…or a job for that matter?”
I smile. “Sometimes I miss school.”
“Really?” he says, surprised.
“Yeah. I mean, I did well in school and it kept me organized. It challenged me to do something, gave me a purpose to get up in the mornings, I guess.”
“Why don’t you go back?”
“Money, mostly. I don’t have a clue what I want to major in and no resources to waste time trying to figure it out.”
“There’s other stuff we can look into, like financial aid and grants.”
We. As long as he keeps saying we, I’ll do anything he asks.
I wink at him as I pass him on the trail. “Maybe one day.” Neither one of us mentions our conflicting life goals.
Every now and then he’ll stop and pick a dandelion for me to make a wish on, and we find a natural spring to drink from next to some limestone rocks. It’s roughly the size of a small fishing pond, with water pouring down into the pool from the side of the hillside. The water is clear with a tint of green, and feels amazing against our overheated skin as we take turns pouring it over our hair and necklines.
“This is so pretty,” I say, wringing out my hair.
A family arrives nearby, waving as they approach. Kip and I return their greeting, smiling at the two young boys in swim trunks, too eager to wait for their mother’s command to put on sunscreen.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”
Kip looks up from refilling our water bottles with the running water. “About?”
I know I need to tread carefully. Kip’s shop is his baby and I don’t want him to feel like I’m telling him what to do with it. “Shoot me down if you don’t like it.”
He waits for me to continue. “Okay?”
“I’ve been thinking about the shop opening, and maybe it’d be a good idea to throw a party. Like a grand opening.”
He recaps the bottles and shoves them in his backpack as he stands. “For a maintenance shop?” he says, unsure.
“Well, yeah. There’s a lot of up-and-coming business around you and we could invite them to set up tables with their information. It would give everyone a chance to network and market themselves. And there would be door prizes and an open bar to draw people in,” I say, rushing my words, too anxious to talk slower.
“That doesn’t sound too bad.”
I pause. “Really?”
He shrugs. “Yeah, why not?”
Smiling, I kiss him square on the mouth. “Thank you,” I say, skipping ahead.
He smiles, a tad confused as his eyes follow me. “Why are you thanking me?”
“For taking me seriously,” I say. “For being big enough to take what I suggest into consideration and trusting me to have your business’s best interest in mind.”
“Kaley, you’re overthinking it.”
I roll my eyes, standing with my hands on my hips. “Kill my mood all you want, but I’m happy I get to organize a party.”
He shakes his head but kisses me on the forehead. “We can sort out everything later.”
We eventually make our way back to the campsite and Kip gets a fire started just in time for twilight. It’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, the temperature dropping along with the sun. He even managed to sneak ingredients to make s’mores without the chocolate melting all day. What is way worse than I had expected is the sounds emanating from the trees. Animals, so many of them, scurrying and yowling, some noises I’ve never heard before in my life.
Kip smirks as he shoves a burnt marshmallow into his mouth. Lord, help me. I want to be that marshmallow.
“It’s not funny,” I whine, whipping my head in the direction of a hoot owl.
He laughs. I give him my best intimidating look, but his smile remains in place. “Come here.” He motions for me to come closer to his position next to the fire. He leans against our rolled up sleeping bags we probably won’t need, cradling my head in the crook of his arm as our gazes turn to the stars.
“I love you,” I say, liking the way the words fall from my lips.
If possible, I feel his body relax further, arm tightening around my hip. I say it when I feel it, when I can’t think of anything else, when my mind refuses to let go of the words—still amazed by their meaning—I say it. Liberally, openly, and knowingly. It helps me breathe.
Every time feels better than the first.
I don’t think Kip predicted how sappy I am. Hell, I didn’t either. Now I feel like every emotion is felt tenfold. When I’m angry, I’m fucking furious. And when I’m happy, I’m nearly ecstatic. Sadness is the hardest to release, almost drowning me at night as I lie awake by myself. Opening up makes every single feeling magnified. I’m trying to navigate it, but sometimes it feels like too much. I’m doing the best I can.
I turn over, placing my chin against my hand splayed on his chest. His eyes are hooded, looking down at me in affection. It’s one of those intense moments I have to tame, afraid of how out of control it’ll get. Time and time again, I find myself clenching my jaw out of fear of what will come out of my mouth. I no longer want to fill the void of silence, I want to trap it.
Leaning up, I press my lips against his. I slip my tongue into his mouth, relishing the taste of him, different from every man I’ve ever been with. With the arm he has wrapped around my hips, he presses my body closer to his. Our kiss deepens and I place my leg over his waist so I’m straddling him, putting him right where I want him. The grip he has on the side of my throat tightens, and I feel his need between us. I moan into his open mouth.
He releases me from the kiss, breathing heavily as he puts space between us, and I immediately resent the look on his face. He’s done this, multiple times already, stopping us from progressing past kissing.
“We can’t,” he says softly, brushing stray hairs away from my face.
I swallow the hurt and pull myself off of him, too embarrassed to look at him. He leans on his elbow so he can see my face.
“I can only be turned down so many times, Kip, before it starts to feel like rejection.”
He clicks his tongue in admonishment. “You know it’s not like that.”
But it is like that. I don’t need anyone in my life dictating what they think is good for me. I know what is and isn’t good for me. Kip’s insistence that he knows what’s better for me than I do for myself makes me see red.
“But that’s what it feels like,”
I remind him. “It doesn’t matter how honorable your intentions are, it hurts.”
“Kaley, we skipped the dating aspect of a relationship and jumped right to the intimacy. We need a foundation for our house to stand on when everything else falls through. We can’t replace words with actions.”
“I am using words,” I say bitterly. “Don’t you hear me saying all the words? So many fucking words.”
He smiles. “I love you,” he says. “And I’m proud of you. But you’ve replaced all emotional connections with sex, and you can’t do that to us.” He pauses to rub his fingertips over my lips. “To me.”
And just like that, my anger dissipates, leaving a feeling of melancholy. Guilt is already setting in. I hate how utterly exhausting emotions are.
“I want this to work,” I say bleakly.
Kip tilts my face toward him so I’m forced to look at him. “We are working. We’re together, and here, and both refusing to let go of each other. That’s enough. For now,” he tacks on.
I breathe out, shaking my head in the process. “Is this as scary for you as it is for me?”
“It’s terrifying,” he says, smiling.
He kisses me, slowly, languidly, showing me we don’t need more than we have in this moment. For now, it’s enough.
I’m smiling at him when his eyes seem to cloud over, growing in size as they focus on something near my head.
Fear paralyzes me as I fight to keep my breathing under control. “What is it? What’s by my head, Kip?”
He grabs a nearby shoe and holds it over my head. “Don’t move,” he says, eyes trained on whatever is near me.
I close my eyes tightly. “Get it away, get it away, get it away,” I repeat.
I’m panicking, two seconds away from full freak-out mode, when Kip’s slams the shoe down on the ground beside my face. Sitting up, I shriek at the sight of the largest, smooshed spider I have ever seen in my life. “Oh my god, it was two centimeters away from eating my face.”
Kip’s laughter makes me smile, even in my terrified state. “You’re scared of something this big,” he says, holding up his thumb and forefinger an inch away from each other.
“It can kill me,” I protest.
He smiles, managing to pull me down on top of him by one arm. “Highly doubtful. It might have lived in your hair for a couple of days though.” My eyes widen as I ponder the very real possibility there’s actual spiders in my hair and he laughs again, running his fingers through the strands. “I’m kidding.”
Once I’m certain I’m not harboring spiders, we talk about our pasts and futures, our dreams and the possibilities they might not come true, and our greatest fears. We talk until we fall asleep where we lie, with my head tucked under his chin and his arms around me. When I start to feel the cold seep in, I wake to find myself alone. The embers of the fire barely give any light, but the full moon provides enough to spot Kip sitting with his back to me, feet dangling from the ravine.
He tilts his head back, taking a drink from the beer in his hands. He stays like that for a while, looking out at the dark expanse of the trees and water below, occasionally taking a swig of his beer. The ravine isn’t any more than twenty feet, but it’s enough to do major bodily harm, even enough to kill. My worry grows as I ponder how much he’s actually had to drink while I’ve been asleep.
He doesn’t hear me as I approach, and his head snaps up when I run my hand through his hair. “Are you trying to kill me?”
He doesn’t reply, grasping my hand in his as he tugs me down to his level. “I’m just enjoying the peace and quiet.”
I tug my legs out from under me and sit next to him, wrapping both my arms around him for security. It’s not as scary at night, but I know it’s only because I can’t see the ground. “You couldn’t do that by the campsite?”
He drinks the last of his beer. “I used to come out here a lot as a teenager.”
“This spot?”
“Yeah. I drank my first beer here. Me and Taylor,” he says, reaching for another bottle next to him.
Taylor was Kip’s best friend before they both went to prison. Taylor’s dad took Kip in when he was a teenager, taught him how to steal cars for money. Once Taylor’s dad died, they continued running the business together. From my understanding, Lilly and Kip considered Taylor family. That was, until he underhandedly convinced them to work for my dad.
“Have you spoken to him since everything?”
“I wrote him a letter while we were serving time, but he never responded. I heard he’s out though.”
“You think he’s still mad about getting busted?”
He shrugs. “Who knows. He always was a loose cannon. Even as teenagers, he would do the dumbest shit. I was constantly bailing him out of trouble.”
I smile, hearing the fondness in his voice. “So you’re saying he was the fun one while you were the stick in the mud.”
He smiles. “Yeah. I’m kind of angry at him for knowingly putting Lilly in danger. I’m not even sure what I would say to him if I saw him.”
I lay my head on his shoulder. “Maybe it’s a good thing you haven’t.”
He looks down and wraps an arm around my shoulders. “Are you cold?”
“I’m freezing,” I say, shivering.
Standing, he helps me to my feet, and only then do I catch the slight wobble of his balance. My heart skips a beat and I wait until we’re a healthy distance away before I scold him. “You’re drunk?”
He smiles lazily. “I am.”
His laissez-fair attitude pisses me off. “You could have died!” I yell.
Attempting to sit down, he loses his balance halfway through and lands on his butt. “But I didn’t, and I faced my irrational fear of heights.”
I’m so angry, I want to throw him off the cliff myself. “What are you trying to prove to yourself, huh? You’re not invincible.”
“That,” he drawls, pointing at me. “I am not.”
He reaches for another beer and I snatch it away from him. “I don’t even remember packing this much beer.”
He laughs. “That’s because I packed it, duh.” Reaching for the back of my knee, he tugs me down onto his lap. “I’m sorry I scared you,” he says, snuggling into my chest.
I push his head back, making his bleary eyes align with mine. “You do realize you haven’t faced anything, right? Being drunk automatically makes all brave efforts null and void.”
His face falls. “Really?”
I can’t help but smile at his child-like disappointment, even though I know it’s only the alcohol swimming in his belly. “Yup. You’re going to have to redo it again, except sober.”
He drops his forehead to my collar. “Ah, man.”
I laugh, holding his head to my chest, combing my hands through his hair. “Why did you feel like you had to face them tonight?” I say.
He speaks into my shirt. “I’ve watched you face your fears and it makes me want to do the same.”
Confused, I say, “What fears have I faced?”
“Loving me.”
He shuts down any rebuttal I was prepared to give, leaving me speechless. He kisses me through the fabric of my shirt.
“You are freezing,” he says, rubbing his hands up and down my arms. “Let’s get the fire going.”
“I’ll get it,” I say, standing. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
I pack more dry leaves and logs onto the fire and unravel the sleeping bags, shivering as I lay it out beside Kip and get in. Before climbing inside the covers with me, he strips his shirt so he can warm me up, pulling me into his chest. He doesn’t complain when I use his feet to thaw my frozen ones.
“Kip,” I say, voice eerily loud in the night.
“Mm,” he sounds, close to falling asleep.
“Loving you isn’t the scary part.”
He pulls me closer, breathing into the mess of hair on top of my head. “I know.”
I’m terrified of hurting him, and he’s still willing to take
the chance on us anyway. I wonder how long we can pretend this is going to work.
I’VE NEVER LOVED A door as much in my life as I do this one. I sigh in relief as the lock easily gives and I immediately drop the bags I’m holding, exhausted from carrying them from the party store six blocks away. Tonight is the night of the opening and it’s to no one’s surprise that I’m picking up last-minute supplies.
“Hey.” Kip comes up behind me, kissing me on the cheek.
“Hey, okay, so they didn’t have the red cups, but the clear should look fine with the—” I come to a standstill when I turn around.
“Lilly and Andie came over early to help set up.”
I narrow my eyes at him. He at least has the decency to look contrite. Lilly, on the other hand, looks like the cat who ate the canary. Andie looks so cute in her tea-length dress that I could kill a puppy.
“Where’s Justin?”
“He went to pick up Cal. He’s punished again, so I offered to let him tear tickets at the door.” The kid has surprisingly grown on Kip despite being super annoying.
“Let me guess, caught stealing again?”
Kip gives Lilly a look. “I don’t know. Lilly won’t tell me.”
Andie takes a small step between them, breaking up their argument before it gets started. “What do you need us to do?”
“Look, Andie,” I say, shooting it to her straight. “You seem like a nice girl. But I’m not. I don’t know what Lilly’s been feeding you, but Kip’s not available.”
It takes a split second, but Lilly busts out laughing and Kip hides his smile behind a hand.
Andie’s eyes are wide. “You think Lilly’s trying to set us up?” she says, wiggling a finger between her and Kip.
Confused, my eyes shift between all three of them. “Isn’t she?”
And Lilly’s laughter grows.
“No. I’m shadowing him as a project for my business management class. No offense, but Kip isn’t my type. I like my guys to be a little…younger.”
Lilly’s condescending look tells me everything I need to know.
“I’m so sorry for the confusion,” she says. “I’ll…just leave you two to…yeah.” She leaves and I pin Kip with a stare.
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