Forfeiting Decency

by Rachel Schneider

  “Don't worry,” I say quietly, feeling the anxiety rolling off of him.

  “It’s what I do.”

  I fight the lull of sleep, feeling like the conversation isn’t over yet. Each pass of his hand threatens to take me under. The reality of yesterday is starting to take its toll. The gravity of it all, the severity of it, begins to make itself known. Out of nowhere, I find myself choking on my emotions and I keep swallowing to keep them down. I’ve put Kip through enough today to continue to torture him. I’m just not prepared for the direction of his thoughts when he speaks.

  “I’m so sorry,” he says, placing his lips to my temple. “I’m so incredibly sorry.”

  He doesn’t have to say for what, and I’m actually grateful that he doesn’t. “Me too.”

  We don’t move for a long time, just soaking in each other’s comfort.

  LANCE CLAPS HIS HANDS. “He’s in.”

  I feel Kip’s sigh of relief from across the room. “He’s going to help us?” He shifts forward on the edge of the couch, elbows braces on his knees.

  Lance and Justin stand idly in front of the TV, as Lilly and I sit on the kitchen counter. “He’ll give us the resources we need to make it happen,” Lance replies.

  “That’s all we need,” Justin says, mostly to assure Kip.

  Kip nods once. “Okay, what’s the plan?”

  Lance and Justin trade looks and it’s obvious they’ve already discussed it without us. Lance uncrosses his arms, holding out a hand before him. “You’re not going to like it but just hear us out.”

  And Lance is right, because Kip’s face goes from curious, to apprehensive, to downright disapproving by the time Lance and Justin finish detailing the plan. It’s sketchy at best, but they’ve pulled off more impossible jobs before. I have no doubt I can do it. I just need Kip to be open minded.

  “No.” I say his name, but I clamp my mouth shut when he shoots a glare in my direction. “I said no,” he reiterates firmly.

  Lilly snorts in response. “How long are we going to pretend you have a say in this before you give in? Because I’d really just like to skip to the end where you throw a temper tantrum and walk out. It’ll save us a lot of time.”

  Justin ducks his head, doing a poor job of hiding his amusement, and Lance outright smiles at Kip’s incredulous face. “It puts Kaley in the most danger.”

  Justin attempts to reason with him. “No one else can get into Hudson’s, you know that.”

  Kip stands, holding out his hands before him. “We’re literally handing her over to Landry on a silver platter.”

  “All we need to do is get Landry on audio admitting to pretty much everything and facilitate a transaction to confirm. As long as Kaley is cooperative, there shouldn’t be a problem,” Justin says.

  “Won’t it be a little obvious for her to become so willing all of a sudden?”

  “It seems that way to us,” Lance says. “But if she goes in with a reluctant demeanor, he’ll think he’s finally pushed her far enough to agree to work for him.”

  “So basically, she needs to be her normal, stubborn self,” Lilly says.

  “Exactly,” Lance agrees. “As long as she’s herself, she’ll be fine and he won’t suspect a thing.”

  Kip stares at the floor with his hands on his hips. “When?”

  “Ethan agreed to let the DEA take over the case, but he doesn’t want to draw it out. As soon as Kaley is healed, we’ll take action.”

  Justin looks at me, assessing. “But we don’t want to wait too long in case Landry gets antsy.”

  They all follow his attention to me, the underlying worry of Justin’s recommendation. We’re not sure of Landry’s next plan of action and we don’t really want to wait long enough to find out.

  Kip smacks his lips. “I think this is the point I should walk out,” he says, meeting my gaze. He grabs his keys and shoves them in the pocket of his jeans, planting a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll be back in an hour or so.”

  I don’t object, squeezing his hand once before letting go. He needs to stew in peace and it’s probably better for everyone’s benefit. Everyone waits for the door to close behind him before letting out a collective sigh of relief.

  “That went way better than I expected it would,” Lilly says.

  Justin wraps his arms around her waist. “I think I can speak for all of us, and say us too.”

  Lance leans his hip against the counter next to me, looking up at me. His expression is weary, almost coy as he reveals the barest of smiles. “You haven’t said much.”

  I shove my hands underneath my thighs, shrugging. “It’s my only option.”

  It takes him a moment to respond. “You do realize a lot of powerful men are going to be very angry.”

  I nod, already knowing what he’s getting at. “They’re going to need someone to turn the tables on.”

  “Not just them, but the media, too,” Justin says.

  “It’s going to be a witch hunt,” Lance says, solemnly.

  I force a smile. “I know.”

  “How bad are we talking?” Lilly asks, hesitant.

  “She’ll most likely be inundated with charges from all sides. Whatever they can throw at her, they will. Some will stick, some won’t, but she’s definitely going to be arrested.”

  “Kaley,” Lilly says, part admonishing.

  “I know, Lilly,” I say before she can continue. “But this is my mess and the last thing I want is Kip worried about it.”

  She runs her hands over her hair and down her ponytail, something she does when she’s stressed. “You’re going to hurt him,” she says, sorrowful.

  I fight the trembling in my bottom lip, gesturing to my face. “I hurt him every time he looks at me.”

  She doesn’t dispute it because she knows it’s true. I think she realizes it might be better than any other alternative. She said it herself, Kip deserves the best. And right now, that’s not something I can give him.

  They leave, wanting to be gone by the time Kip comes back just in case his agreeable attitude disappeared in the meantime, and I take fifteen minutes to feel sorry for myself. I take a shower and cry all the tears of frustration I’ve been holding in the past few days for Kip’s benefit, and allow them to wash down the drain.

  I’m so angry at life and the unfairness of it all. I’m angry at Landry and everyone who uses Hudson’s to further their miserable lives. I’m angry at my parents for not giving a shit about me whenever everything imploded. At myself, for falling down the rabbit hole to begin with. Even at Kip, for making me responsible for his hurt. This is why I never did relationships, always having to answer for the other person’s feelings when I can barely maintain my own. It’s worse because his pain makes me hurt, and I can’t even fix it.

  I hear the door to the apartment open, and I turn away from the door when peaks his head in to check on me. “You okay in there?” he says, sounding pleasantly mellow considering.

  “Just finishing up,” I say, wiping my eyes even though he can’t see them. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

  It takes a beat too long, but he eventually closes the door. I get dressed and brush out my hair, piling it wet on top my head. Kip’s back is to me as he watches the coffee pot brew his favorite aroma. Guilt immediately floods through me at the sight of him.

  Wrapping my arms around him, I snuggle into the hard planes of his back as he makes another pot of coffee. “Let’s go biking.”

  He looks over his shoulder, a proud smile across his lips. “You can’t ride a bike in your condition.”

  “It looks worse than it feels. I need sunlight and fresh air.”

  “If I take you in public, people are going to think I’m an abusive boyfriend. Besides, you no longer have a bike.”

  I frown, remembering where it was left, knowing someone has probably taken it. I want to tell him he shouldn’t care what people think but I also don’t want people to assume something like that of him, either. “Can we go to our spot then? It�
�s secluded enough to not have to see anyone.”

  “Kaley, you really shouldn’t—”

  I pull the travel mug from the cabinet and hand it to him. “We’re going.”

  “Kaley,” he tries again.

  Ignoring him, I begin packing a couple of water bottles into his backpack hanging by the door. “You’re going to take me on a date and cuddle me as I read the new romance novel you got for me and you’re going to enjoy it.”

  He leans on an elbow, watching me with the first hint of a smile I’ve seen in his eyes in almost twenty-four hours. “And if I refuse?”

  “You won’t,” I lilt.

  “How do you know?”

  Because you like seeing me happy and energetic despite the circumstances, but I simplify it. “Because you love me.” I tug on a baseball cap and sunglasses, pouring his coffee into the mug and forcing it in his hand along with the backpack. “Come on. Chop-chop,” I say, clapping my hands together.

  He takes a sip of his coffee, eyeing me over the rim. “You’re going to be the death of me.

  I manage to smile in return. “I don’t doubt it.” It comes off as teasing, but I know how true it is.

  On the hill, he slows his pace to match mine as we hike the trail, but I make sure I keep any discomfort on the down low. We spend the day lounging in the shade, my head in his lap as he plays with my hair as we both read. Eventually, we take a break to eat lunch and cool off in the spring. I kick my feet in the water, scaring away the tiny fish nearby. It’s cooler under the trees, but the sun still manages to peek through and heat the rocks beneath me.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to get in? It feels amazing.”

  I hold a hand over my eyes to get a better view of him as he splashes water up each of his arms in an effort to alleviate the heat. “And miss this view?”

  Kip’s smile is blinding white against his tan skin as the sun reflects off the waist deep water he’s standing in. “It looks even better up close.”

  He’s the farthest thing from arrogant, but his cocky smirk pulls at my heart strings. He needed this hike as much as I did.

  I smile, laughing at his good mood. “Then come closer.”

  He ducks under the water and I watch him swim in my direction through the clear water. Surfacing, he shakes his shaggy hair, making water shower my bare legs. The sun makes everything warm, but there’s a slight breeze that tickles my wet skin and I shiver.

  He wraps a strong hand around one of my ankles and I scream. “Oh my God, you’re so cold.”

  Smiling, he pulls me to the edge of the limestone boulder, settling between my legs. The water is shallower where he stands, revealing his abs and the transition to the abdominal v-muscle, and all the way down to the most teasing glimpse of what hangs between his legs.

  “How’s your head feel?”

  “Feels fine,” I say, giving a one shoulder shrug. “Hasn’t hurt all day.”

  He pushes a few wry hairs that managed to escape my bun away from my face, eyes smiling as they shift over my face. It’s such a nice reprieve from the sad looks he’s been giving me. I lean forward and place my lips on his, shivering from the contrast in temperature of his cold skin against my warm skin.

  “Are you scared?” he asks, lips grazing mine.

  I kiss him again before answering. “I could say no, but you’d know I was lying anyway.”

  “Can you promise me something?”

  His question makes me nervous. “Depends on the promise.”

  “Will you promise to be careful?”

  I smile. “What kind of promise is that? Of course I’ll be careful.”

  His smile dims as he turns serious. “I want to marry you, Kaley.” Pausing, his eyes jump between mine, gauging my reaction. I’m not sure what he sees because my mind has gone blank. “I want to marry you and make messy haired kids together. Hopefully, they’ll have my temperament and your sense of humor. We’ll buy a house and you can decorate the entire thing in weird elephant figurines. I’ll pick up the clothes you throw on the floor every morning when I wake up, only to pick them up again when I come home.”

  He places a hand on my lower back, scooting me even closer to him as he continues, his other hand bracing my neck as I stare at him in awe. “You can go back to school and study art or geography or cultural sciences, I don’t care. I’ll work my ass off at the shop every day to supply for you and make sure you’re happy. I’ll complain when you leave the top of the toothpaste off and get it everywhere, and you’ll bitch at me every time I leave the coffee pot on.”

  “Kip, I…I don’t know what to say.”

  “For once, don’t say anything.” My smile is wobbly as lock my hands around the back of his neck, and I nod. “I know you’re scared of us. Everything I just said is making alarm bells go off in your head. But I know you want it, too. You just have to allow yourself to have it.”

  “ARE YOU READY?”

  I nod. “No.”

  Kip looks as me, concerned. “Yes?”

  “That’s what I meant.”

  He trails his hands over the straps of my dress, using his fingertips to test the position of the wire and tape. “Are you wearing a bra?”

  “Justin told me not to because it interferes with the audio.”

  “Are you comfortable?”

  I nearly laugh in his face considering I’m wearing five inch heels, but manage to hold it in. “Yes.”

  “Do you want to go over the code words again?”

  I roll my eyes, halting his hands from checking the wire for the millionth time. Besides, it’s distracting. “Stop asking me questions. If I wasn’t already nervous, you’d be making me nervous by fretting over me.”

  “Humor me,” he says.

  “Run means I’m in immediate danger, jump means we’re relocating, skip means I need more time, and hop means whoever I’m with is armed.” He takes a deep breath and I smile. “I’ve got this. All I have to do is talk to Landry, tell him I agree, albeit reluctantly. Get him to confirm some of his business partners, possibly other patrons who hire escorts through him. Then I need to ensure I take someone back to hotel room 315, the floor above us, so we’ll have video proving the transaction is trading sexual favors for money.”

  Kip places a hand over his mouth. As much as I’m acting nonchalant about the task at hand, we know this is going to be a little more difficult than it sounds. I remind myself that I’ve done this before, conned men into giving me more for less.

  Kip’s phone dings and he grabs it from the nightstand and reads the text. “Lance said they’re set and ready when you are.”

  “Okay. I left a message with Landry’s secretary, letting him know I’ll be there at ten, but I want to arrive early.”

  “He never responded?”

  I shake my head. “Nope.”

  It leaves everything up in the air because he might not even show. Kip is super paranoid that Landry is on to us, but I explained to him how egotistical Landry is, so it’s not that surprising he hasn’t got in touch with me. He probably was expecting it all along.

  Kip hands me my purse, and God help him, he checks my cleavage one more time. “Was that one for your own benefit?”

  He smiles, for real this time. “Can’t blame a guy for trying.”

  I take his hand between both of mine, holding it to my lips. “Everything is going to go flawlessly.”

  He tugs me to him, grabbing my hands and placing them around his neck. “Promise me again.”

  Every day since I’ve been waiting to heal enough to go through with the plan, he’s asked me to make the same promise. “I will be as careful as I can.”

  “In the name of our messy haired children?”

  I laugh loudly. “That’s the first time you’ve asked me to swear on our imaginary children.”

  “They’re real, just not born yet.”

  “Did Lance say you can go to the surveillance room?”

  He nods. “I’m heading straight there after you leave.”
His phone dings, breaking us apart. “Landry was just spotted leaving his apartment. He’s headed in this direction, about twenty minutes away.” Another ding comes through. “And he says everyone can hear me feeling you up, so I should stop.”

  We bust out laughing, but it quickly descends into silence, and my smile turns sad. He kisses me, not wasting any more time we don’t have on words, and I’m grateful. Reluctantly, he releases me. I can’t stop myself from kissing him one last time before departing, swallowing back fear as I walk out of the hotel room and away from him.

  The smell of the bar hits me first, expensive fragrances mixed in with leather and alcohol. The security guard nods as I enter, but underneath it all, it still smells like cheap sex and cigar smoke. My stomach rolls as I take a seat at the bar. Mondo is assisting a patron across the bar and he glances up, doing a double take when he sees me. He hurries and finishes pouring the drink in front of him, taking the cash and making change before he approaches.

  “What are you doing here, Kaley? Last I heard, you were in a relationship.”

  It doesn’t surprise me that he knows my business. He’s always had a way of knowing things no one else does without actually being a gossip. “Can I get a glass of wine?”

  He looks like he doesn’t want to oblige, so I lean forward, picking the pen out of the breast pocket of his shirt. “What are you doing?”

  I level him with a stare and he shuts up. On a napkin, I write out a note.

  Pour me a glass of wine and then leave the building.

  Spinning the fabric around, I watch his face as he read it. He looks from the cloth, back to me, reaching under the table for a glass. I take the moment to look around, downing half my drink in one gulp. Mondo scribbles back on the cloth before moving down the bar, helping another customer.

  Is it serious?

  One look at me and he continues writing.

  Your balls are bigger than mine.

  I smile, writing down my next question.

  Is Julia here?

  He tops off my glass, inconspicuously jotting out a response at the same time. I idly marvel at the talent it takes to do that.