“You need something? More water?” I say, already refilling another cup.
“No,” he says, pulling me with his good arm. “Lay down with me.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Not if you lay on this side,” he says, his pull on my arm uncharacteristically weak.
“Are you sure?”
“Kaley,” he says my name in admonishment, impatience growing.
I can’t help but smile at his insolence, secretly loving he’s being himself. It takes a full five minutes to find a comfortable spot that didn’t cause him pain. “You’re so stubborn.”
“Strong willed,” he corrects me.
“Lance told me you weren’t supposed to go in with them.”
“He knew there was no way I wasn’t going to after I heard everything.”
I draw a lazy circle around his nipple. “He also told me you punched his boss when they told you to wait to lock down all the exits.”
“He was more worried about the media coverage and how it’d portray his department than your safety. The guy is a total piece of shit.”
Smiling, I place my lips to the skin of his collar. “Like I said, stubborn.”
He laughs, this time more carefully. “I’m just glad it’s over.”
Dread fills my belly. “Kip, there’s something—”
Lilly comes barreling in, throwing her arms around his neck. Kip smiles good naturedly. “Easy,” he says.
“Sorry,” she says, hiding her glassy eyes as she pulls back. She hefts a duffle bag onto the hospital bed and rifles through it. “I brought a few pairs of underwear, some shorts and t-shirts, tooth brush and paste, and this three-in-one body wash I found in the shower.”
“It’s only for one night, Lilly. Unless I shit myself multiple times, I shouldn’t need…five pairs of underwear?” he says, counting as she shoves them back in the bag.
She pouts. “I was being thoughtful, okay?”
“It is very thoughtful. Thank you,” he says. “Where’s Justin?”
She rolls her eyes. “They’ll only let two people in the room with you at a time, so he’s in the lobby.”
“I’ll go,” I say, sitting up. The way Kip says my name, I already know he’s about to protest. “I need some caffeine in me anyway.”
“Just…be careful.”
The fear in his eyes makes me feel like I’m suffocating him, in return, suffocating me. A few minutes apart will do him some good. Justin looks up from his phone, standing as I approach.
“You can go in and see him. I’m going to find the nearest vending machine and grab a drink.”
“I’ll walk with you.” I roll my eyes, but Justin places a hand on my shoulder. “As much as you think you’re fine, you’re not. It’s going to catch up with you.”
The waiting room goes in and out of focus and the floors seem to rattle beneath my feet. I focus on Justin’s steady gaze. “Which part?” I whisper.
He rubs his thumb back and forth on my shoulder, empathy radiating from him. “All of it.”
Those three words bounce inside my head as we walk to the vending area. Justin deposits me by the nursing station but I don’t protest because all of it. There’s so much, too much, and I can’t imagine having to deal with any of it. Maybe that’s my problem. Justin and Lilly don’t stay too long, but I’m secretly grateful they made their visit short. I want to soak in what I can of Kip before everything implodes. I can feel it coming, like an atomic bomb with a clock ticking down.
Kip already has the blanket pulled back for me when I return. “I was getting worried,” he says, smelling my hair as I snuggle into him.
“That’s nothing new.” I lift the lid of the pizza box sitting on his bedside table. “You didn’t eat anything.”
“I’m not hungry.” There’s a beat of silence before he speaks. “I think you should see someone,” he says. “A therapist or doctor of some sort. Someone to help you sort through everything in your head.”
All of it.
“I know,” I say, voice quiet.
“Did you…did you just agree with me?”
I smile. “I did. Revel in it while you can.”
“I think I will,” he says. “I should get a plaque made.”
“That’s a little overboard.”
He chuckles, going back to sniffing my hair. “You don’t know how happy that makes me.”
“I’m not doing it for you.”
“Good.”
He turns the channel, settling on a romantic comedy. I idly watch it, mind wandering all over the place. I suspect Kip is doing the same when I catch him staring at the wall.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Taylor,” he says, quietly.
I run my lips over his knuckles. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I just don’t know where he went wrong, you know? He wasn’t always like that though. I still remember the kid I met outside of Tobey’s doing willies on his bicycle. He footed the bills for us when I decided to quit stealing cars and he was the first person I’d call when I was in a bind. We grew up together.”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I think people get an option to choose to be good and he didn’t. Being good isn’t always easy.”
He doesn’t reply as he resumes to pretend to watch the movie. I fall asleep in his arms, waking once in the middle of the night to the feeling of being suffocated. Kip doesn’t even stir, the pain meds doing their jobs well. I spend the rest of the night letting the tears fall, not able to stop them once they start. I categorize every part of Kip I can. His smell, the rough feel of the palms of his hands, and the way his hair has the slightest wave to it. I’ve spent more times than I’d like to admit watching him sleep, but I trust now this will be the last time for a while, if not ever.
“Kaley,” Lance says, jerking me from my sleep.
Kip yelps in pain. “I’m so sorry,” I say, palming his cheek.
He blinks through the haze of drug induced sleep, trailing over Lance and the accompanying police officer. “What’s going on?” he says, confused.
Lance gives me an admonishing look. “You didn’t tell him?”
“Tell me what?” Kip asks.
Licking my lips, I slowly sit up. “I didn’t want to ruin last night.”
He winces in pain as he pushes the button to elevate the head of the bed. “What are you talking about?”
When Lance sees I’m not going to answer, he does it for me. “Kaley is being charged with five counts of solicitation of prostitution. We’re here to arrest her.”
Kip’s face turns the deepest shade of red I’ve ever witnessed on him before. “What? You can’t do that? She helped to bring the organization down.”
Lance speaks to the officer behind him in hushed tones. The officer doesn’t look happy about it, but he leaves the three of us alone. “And she’s helped piss off a lot of higher up’s. They’re spinning it, diverting the attention from all the corrupt politicians to her. They’re going to make her public enemy number one.”
Kip narrows his eyes at me. “You knew? All this time, you knew and didn’t tell me?”
I frame his face in my hands. “I knew you’d fight it.”
“Of course I would.”
Putting on my best brave face, I say, “I’m tired of fighting.”
He huffs out a breath. “So you just give up. After everything you’ve been through? You’re going to throw in the towel?”
“I’m not going to lie down and play dead,” I say, defensive. “I’m deciding to play by the rules. I’ve spent my life trying to find the easy way out and all it’s done is get me in more trouble. If the public wants to crucify me, let them.”
Red begins to tread the whites of his eyes. “I’ll post your bail.”
I sigh, kissing him once. “There’s no way they’re going to release me.”
Lance chimes in. “It’s already rumored she’ll be denied bail.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Heinous people get ou
t all of the time. Hell, Landry posted bail last night and he had over twenty-five counts of pimping and pandering and money laundering, and you’re telling me they’re going to deny her bail?”
“The attorney general is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He successfully took down Hudson’s, but he has a lot of angry people to deal with. They want someone to pay, this is the compromise.”
“What compromise? This is a persecution.”
“I explained the consequences to Kaley before we went through with the plan. She’s okay with it.”
Kip places the back of his hand against his mouth, unbelieving of what he just heard. “You never planned on having a future with me, did you?”
“Kip, I want it more than you know,” I say, pleadingly. “But if there is ever a chance of us making it, I need to be able to put my past behind me or it’s going to follow us.”
“We really need to go,” Lance says. “I was supposed to arrest you yesterday. Between you and Kip knocking out my boss, I’m not going to have a job by the end of the day.”
“Kip,” I say, urging him to look at me. “I love you.”
He shakes his head, finally dropping his hand away from his mouth. “You can’t love me because you don’t even love yourself,” he says, meeting my eyes. “I tried to love you enough for the both of us, but you’re right, I can’t do it anymore.”
I hiccup on a sob, but somehow am able to swallow it down. He lets me kiss him, but he doesn’t touch me, his arms staying at his sides. Tears fall down my face as I step down from the bed, trailing my fingers down his arm, all the way to his fingertips.
“Thank you for being everything I need.”
He takes in a shuttering breath, turning his attention to the same wall he spent the night looking at before. “I’m sorry it wasn’t enough.”
All the air leaves me in one full whoosh, but Lance manages to walk me out of the room to the awaiting officer. He instructs me to turn around and I oblige, mind blank as I go through the motions. Lance grips me by my shoulders, making me meet his gaze.
“Do you hear me?” he says, pulling me out of my daze. “He loves you too much to let you go. He’s mad, not stupid. He’ll forgive you.”
There’s so much to be forgiven for and I don’t blame him for being angry. Lance brings me to the jail, kissing me on the cheek before releasing me. “I’m going to deposit some money in your commissary and load you a phone card whenever you’re in the system.” He squeezes me tight as we say our goodbyes.
I’m placed in a holding cell for most of the day before I’m strip searched and escorted through a medical evaluation. The lady asked me nine times if I had any thoughts of ending my life or escaping, and I’m fairly certain she thinks I’m suicidal because I wouldn’t stop crying. I’m given a mandatory AIDs testing and I’m assigned a cell with a girl much younger and smaller than I am. Despite her appearance, she’s super standoffish and her beady little eyes follow my every move.
I’ve just finished making my bed when a corrections officer bangs on the open cell door. “Kaley Monroe, you have a visitor.”
“How? I was just booked.”
He gives me a bored look and I already know he’s not going to answer me. He shows me to the visitation room and I immediately recognize Peter’s figure hunched over the table. The guard buzzes me through, standing guard at the door as he shuts it behind us. I was told visitation is only on Saturday’s so I have no idea how or why he’s here. Peter’s hand flies across the writing pad in front of him as he looks up. Setting down his pen, he stands to greet me.
“Kaley,” he says, nodding.
“What are you doing here?
“Please, sit,” he says, pointing a hand at the chair opposite him. “I’ll explain everything to you.”
“I think I’ll stand,” I say, folding my arms.
Peter’s eyes shift to the guard behind me, and he holds up a hand in his direction. “She’s new.” He gives me a look. “Sit or be forced to leave. Up to you.” He waits for me to sit before he continues. “I’m here to represent you.”
“Who called you?” I ask, incredulous.
“Your father, actually,” he says, loosening the tie around his neck.
“My father?” I say for clarification.
“John Monroe, the very same.”
“Why would my father pay for my lawyer? He has no money.”
“That’s not for you to worry about. All you need to know, is that I’m already working on negotiating a plea deal.”
“Woah, slow down. What kind of plea deal?”
“Well,” he says, sliding the notepad in my direction. “They’re offering a one-year minimum prison sentence and five years of probation if you plead guilty. Your father will cover all the fines.”
I massage my forehead, bracing my head in my hands. “I’m sorry, I’m totally blindsided right now. I need just…need a minute to process.”
“We only have a few minutes so you’re going to have to process faster. I’m trying to cut the sentence down, but they’re being stingy. But I’m positive you won’t do more than two years at most. They’re itching for retribution but they also know not all of your charges will stick.”
“They’re revoking my bond on five misdemeanors. Why are they suddenly changing their tune?”
“The public is rocked by the scandal right now, so it’s easier for them to get away with more. Especially with half the court system on their side.”
“Aren’t you on their side?”
“I’m on whoever’s side I’m representing. Lucky for you, I’m the best defense attorney in the state.”
“Yay,” I say, sarcastically. I eye him across the table. “You tried to pay Landry to cover my debt for me?”
“Not me, your father. He cares more than you think, Kaley.” He pulls the pad back towards him. “Do you have any names you want to put down for visitation rights so I can expedite them?”
I open my mouth but immediately clamp it shut. I have no doubt Lance is right, and Kip will forgive me at some point. But I can’t hold him back anymore. He deserves someone better than me, even if he doesn’t know it.
Shaking my head, I say, “No.”
THE SHRILL SOUND OF the phone ringing is drowned out by the cacophony of voices echoing in the room, but my eyes stay trained on the officer as he picks it up, speaking into the receiver briefly before hanging up.
“Inmate Kaley A. Monroe ready for roll up.”
I grab my things, mostly books, and walk to the receiving and leaving department. When I open the door, the man behind the desk ushers me forward with his hand. “Are you inmate Kaley A. Monroe 52468-25?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Do you have any dress outs?”
I shake my head and my silence forces him to look up at me. “No, sir,” I voice.
He goes back to typing on his computer. “We have clothes you can pick from. Do you have a ride?”
I nod. “Yes, sir.”
He hands me a slip of paper and instructs me through a set of door. A woman takes my slip of paper and tells me I can choose whatever I like from the basket of clothes on a metal table. She doesn’t leave as I dress out of my uniform and change, but I’m beyond accustomed to the strange, voyeuristic feeling of being watched all of the time. I find a decent pair of sweat pants but the only t-shirt I could find was three sizes too big with an image of a parrot on the front. A pair of flip-flops completes the ensemble.
She goes over my discharge papers and I sign them, receiving a copy for my parole officer. “This is your gate money,” she says, sliding a white envelope across the surface of the table. When I don’t touch it, she taps it. “It’s yours.”
I fold it and stuff it into my back pocket without counting it. The officer instructs me through a set of double doors, pushing the buzzer to let me through. They open, revealing the tiny lobby, and past it the doors leading to the parking lot.
“Good luck,” she says, monotone.
I walk
through the lobby and push open the heavy door that leads to outside, bracing against the sting of the cold against my skin. Taking a deep breath, I breathe the air of freedom for the first time in over a year, and yet nothing but dread fills my lungs.
A car honks and I whip my head in its direction, catching Lilly’s hand raised outside the window of her car. I duck my head against the wind as I trudge to her car. The locks sound a second before I open the passenger door and get in.
“It’s so cold,” I say, rubbing my hands together.
She throws her arms around me and I squeeze her back. “I know. That’s why I didn’t get out the car.”
Sitting back, I take in her frame, smiling at the sight of her round belly. “Can I touch it?” I say, already touching it.
She smiles, watching me rub a hand across her stomach. “She’s crazy active right now. She hates the cold.”
Right at that moment, a distinct bump knocks the palm of my hand and I scream. “I felt her.”
Lilly smiles, amused. “She refuses to move for Justin so be honored.”
“I’m so rubbing it in his face,” I say, giving her belly one last pat.
“You have to be starving,” he says, starting the car.
“You have no idea.”
“We can stop somewhere and eat before we hit the road.”
“I can’t believe Justin let you drive this far without him.”
She rolls her eyes. “If I have to hear about ‘my condition’ one more time, I’m going to murder someone. Luckily, he got stuck working an extra dayshift at the hotel today, so he didn’t have a say.”
“He doesn’t know you’re picking me up, does he?”
She gives me a ‘come on’ look. “He’s pretending like he’s too busy to notice so we don’t fight about it. Besides, it’s not like I would do anything that would put us in harm. We’ll stop halfway to stretch and wear our seatbelts.”
We find a burger joint close by and choose a booth closest to the kitchen to get warm. A waitress takes our drink orders and I nearly die an early death at the taste of carbonation. One sip and my eyes water, but it’s so good at the same time.
“Oh, how I’ve missed you,” I speak to the drink, stroking the side of the glass.
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