“I'm not abandoning you.” I start, but she immediately cuts me off.
“No?” She questions, cocking her head to the side. “So what do you call it then? Because from where I am standing, that is exactly what you are doing.”
“I just didn't think you would want to talk to me.” I say, apology clear in my voice.
“Yeah because that's what people do when they don't want to talk to someone, they call them. Are you fucking kidding me? I have been calling you for a month straight. I have left several voicemails and sent countless texts and still, nothing. You don't answer me. You don't return my calls. Honestly, I was almost to the point of just saying fuck it and just moving on without you.”
“Then why didn't you?” I ask, even though losing Lilly is the last thing I want.
“Because I am your sister. I stood by you then and I have stood by you everyday since you left. Why, when I need you, can you not stand by me?” She asks, a solitary tear streaking down her cheek.
“Lilly.” I reach for her but she bats my hand away.
“No.” She shakes her head and takes a step backwards. “I had to drive hours to get here. Hours Lauren. I didn't know if you were alive or dead. If something had happened to you. But I see that you have found ways to keep yourself busy.” She says, looking towards Dax as he stands motionless next to the couch, clearly having no idea what the hell is going on or what he should be doing.
“I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Once a whore always a whore right sis?” Her words cut more deeply than I thought they could and I try my damnedest to hold in the tears I feel welling behind my eyes.
“That's enough.” Dax voice echos through the small apartment and Lilly immediately falls silent, her eyes wide with shock. Clearly she didn't expect him to stick up for me and honestly, neither did I.
I can feel his eyes hot on the side of my face but I refuse to look in his direction. I don't want him to see me like this. Weak and vulnerable. If I meet those hazel eyes even once, I am sure to fall apart right here and now.
“It's okay Dax.” I say weakly, focusing my attention back to Lilly. “Go ahead. Insult me. Hurt me. Is that what makes you feel better?” I fight to keep my voice even and not let my emotion come through in my words.
“What would make me feel better is having my sister with me on my wedding day. Having the person who has been my best friend since the moment I was born, stand next to me on one of the most important occasions of my life. The wedding is in less than four weeks, I bet you haven't even given it a second thought since I was here last.”
“You think I don't want to be there for you? You think this is easy for me?” My voice starts to shake, my ability to control my emotions slipping by the second. “I want to Lilly. More than anything I do. But....”
“But nothing.” She cuts in. “There are no excuses. There is absolutely no reason why you can't be there other than you can't get past your own fucking selfishness to do it.”
“Lilly.....”
“Does your little boyfriend here know what kind of person he's dealing with?” She turns towards Dax, immediately causing my heart to leap somewhere into my throat.
“Lilly don't. He's just a friend. This isn't about him.”
“Maybe not, but I think as your friend, he should know you. I mean, really know you, don't you?” Her words send panic coursing through every inch of me. “Tell him how you let one person chase you away from every family member and friend you ever had. Tell him how you ran. How you're still running.”
No one here knows about my past. No one knows that I ran away, only that I left. No one knows that I haven't spoken to my parents in years, only that we aren't close. And absolutely no one knows about Ricky. That is a demon I had hoped would always remain hidden from the new life I created for myself here in Chicago.
“Get out!” I say, clenching my teeth together tightly, not wanting her to say another word.
Lilly turns wide eyes on me, her mouth falling open slightly. “What?”
“I said.... GET OUT!” My words rip from my chest as I point towards the door, my hand shaking uncontrollably. “This is my home. My life. You have no right to come here and treat me this way. I don't care if you don't agree with my decisions. I don't care if you think I am the most selfish person in the world. I DO NOT CARE anymore Lilly.” I say, fighting hard to keep my tears at bay even though I know it's a losing battle.
“You don't have to agree with any of my choices Lilly, but you will respect them or you won't be in my life at all. Or did a month of silence not make that clear to you?” I know I should stop. I hate that every word I speak is hurting her but I am too angry now, too out of control to stop myself from spitting every hateful thing I can at her.
“Leave now or as far as I'm concerned, I no longer have a sister.” I spit, anger surging through me.
“You wouldn't...” She takes a step backwards, throwing Dax a desperate look, clearly expecting him to step in and calm me down. But he makes no attempt to move.
Honestly, he's probably in shock. Hell, I wouldn't doubt if after this little display, he never wants to have anything to do with me again. Who refuses to attend their own sister's wedding and then talks to her this way? I know I'm out of line. I know that I should have just agreed to go to her wedding in the beginning. I never should have fought her on this. I can see the damage it has done and yet, I can't fix it. Not anymore.
She's gone too far now. I've gone too far.
“Wouldn't I?” I warn. “Or do you need to call Mommy and Daddy and have them remind you what I am capable of?”
“I am your sister.” She interjects.
“And they were my parents.” I spit. “Get out Lilly.” I say again, my voice low and controlled.
“Fine. You don't want a sister anymore, you don't have one. Go on, live your life as if none of us ever existed. As if Ricky never existed.” I can't help but cringe at the mention of his name. “I'm done caring. You are not the only one that holds the power to leave someone behind. Perhaps I will take a page from your book for once.” She spits, spinning on her heel and ripping the door open.
“Goodbye Lauren.” She says over her shoulder, slamming the door shut with an ear shattering thud.
I am numb, mortified, devastated. So many emotions run through me. I can't force myself to move, to go after her even though I know I should.
“Lo.” Dax's voice washes softly over me just as his hands settle down on my shoulders. Like being hit by a bolt of lightening I jump, spinning around.
“Don't touch me.” I shake my head, the tears I have fought so hard to control finally breaking free. “I need you to leave. Leave Dax.” I say, turning.
“Don't.” His voice is stern as his hand closes down around my forearm and he spins me back to face him. “Don't push me away.”
“I am not pushing you away. I don't want you here. Don't you see that?” My tears flow harder and I know deep down that I don't mean a word of my statement but I want him to believe that I do. I need him to leave.
“Talk to me.” He pleads. “Tell me what is going on.” The concern in his voice is almost too much to bear and I nearly collapse right here on the spot.
“I can't.” My words are weak and broken.
“Yes you can. You are choosing not to.” His voice remains soft as he tilts my face up to meet his. “Tell me what you need. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you. You know that right?”
A tight knot forms in my throat and I push away from him, taking a couple of steps backwards before meeting his face again. “Then why won't you leave?” My voice quivers over my words.
“Because you don't really want me to.” He says, taking a step towards me.
“I'm an awful person. A horrible horrible person. Did you see how I treated her? My own sister. I tossed her out like she was nothing. How could you possibly want to stay after that?” I wipe at the tears that are now blurring my vision.
I am so angry at myself for letting him see me
weak, for letting him see me cry, that it only makes me cry harder. It only makes me that much angrier with myself. I have never hated myself more than I do right here and now and yet, there is not one damn thing I can do to stop the downhill spiral I seem to be on.
“You are not a horrible person. You're upset. Tell me why. Tell me what is going on. I can help you if you let me.”
“No you can't.” I say, taking a deep breath as I meet his eyes once more. “You can't help me Dax. No one can. Please leave.”
“I'm not leaving you like this.” He says, taking another step towards me.
“Fucking leave Dax!” I scream, halting his movements in an instant.
“Lo.” His voice is so soft that I swear, I can physically feel my heart splitting in two with the desperation behind that one word.
Taking another deep breath, I wipe away my tears and look him straight in the face. “Please leave.” I say calmly, just needing him for once to do as I ask.
“Okay.” He finally agrees, giving me one last long look before sliding past me.
I make no attempt to move until I hear the door latch closed behind him. Suddenly it all seems to hit me. Like a thousand bricks slamming down on top of me, I hit my knees, dropping my head into my hands on a loud sob as I let the pain and regret sink through me.
I will not numb it.
I will not run from it.
For once in my life, this is a pain that I have no choice but to feel.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Dax
I've tried giving her time. I've tried staying away, convinced that eventually, she would come around. But honestly, after nearly a week, I can't wait any longer. I have to talk to her. I have to know she's okay.
As if the way we left things the last time I saw her wasn't bad enough, she has avoided me like the plague since then. I haven't even been able to corner her at the club. She has made sure of that. Keeping busy enough with members that I can't pull her away. Locking her dressing room door and not answering it when I knock. Ducking out without telling anyone she's leaving so that I can't catch her in the parking lot.
Truth is, if I wasn't so busy at the club myself, I probably would have stood by her car for hours just waiting for her to come out, demanding that she talk to me the moment she finally did. And though the thought has crossed my mind more than once, I don't want to give her anymore reasons to continue to push me away.
Every time I close my eyes I see her face. That pained expression that clouded it the last time we were together. Her fresh tears wet on her cheeks, the quiver in her voice as she spoke. Seeing her like that, well, it nearly fucking broke me.
It took everything I had to walk out of her apartment that night. There were so many things I wanted to say, things I should have said but didn't. I am not going to make that mistake again. Tonight, she will hear me. She will talk to me.
If I have to stand outside of her apartment door the entire night waiting for her to come home, that is exactly what I am going to do. I knew after our first night together that she had gotten under my skin in a way that no woman had in a very long time. It took me weeks to admit it to myself and even longer to finally accept it but now that I have, I can't lose her. I won't lose her.
Fuck Christy. Fuck everything that has happened in the past. Lo is my future. She is all I want and tonight, I plan to tell her just that.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Lo
The moment Dax comes into view, his large frame leaning against my door, his head tilted upwards, eyes closed, my heart leaps into my throat and for a moment, I feel like I am suffocating. This heavy weight settles onto my chest and makes it hard to do something as natural as breath.
My heeled feet sounding through the hallway giveaway my arrival before I am prepared for his intense eyes to settle on my face. He looks tired, worn, but still the same dazzling man that I have come to truly care for over the past few weeks.
He doesn't speak at first, and while I feel like I should say something, I don't either. Instead, I take step after step, feeling a heavy tension settle over my shoulders the closer I get to him.
“Hey.” His soft voice washes over me moments before I step directly in front of him. It's funny, but just that one word, that one simple word, sends a shiver all the way to my toes.
It isn't until this very moment that I realize how much I have missed his voice. The warmth, the softness of his tone. How a person's voice can have so much effect over another person's body is beyond me. But it's there, just the same.
“Hey.” I finally manage to get out, swallowing hard, the sudden dryness in my throat making it difficult to speak. “What are you doing here?” I ask, fidgeting with my keys as they dangle from my hand.
“I needed to see you.” He says, reaching up to cup my face with one hand, his thumb skating gently across my cheek.
“Dax.” I start to say, but he doesn't let me finish my sentence.
“Can we talk? Please.” He urges my face upwards, his eyes meeting mine the moment I glance up, rendering me all but powerless right here on the spot.
“Dax.” I start again.
“Please Lo. I know you're still dealing with what happened last week but that is no reason to push me away. All I wanted was to help you.” He says, his voice so soft that tears immediately prick the back of my eyes.
“I don't want to do this here.” I say, taking a step back. He picks up on what I am saying and steps to the side, allowing me to unlock my apartment door and push it open.
Without a word, I step inside. Crossing to the kitchen, I toss my keys down on the breakfast bar, jumping slightly when I hear the door close. I feel Dax behind me before I make any attempt to turn around. Like alarm bells going off in my head and fire heating my entire body, whenever we are in close proximity to each other, my body goes haywire.
“I've missed you.” His warm breath hits the back of my neck causing my skin to erupt in goosebumps.
“I've missed you.” I admit, feeling the overwhelming want flood my body when his lips brush lightly against the side of my neck.
“I've been dreaming about this body.” He purrs against my skin, wrapping his arm around my waist from behind, his hand skating across my torso.
I want to fight this, push him away. I am so mortified over the way I behaved the last time we were together, that I have not been able to face him since. But now, having him so close again, feeling his hands on my body, everything else just falls away. Replaced only by the want and need I have for this man.
“Tell me you've been dreaming of me too?” He rasps, his teeth gently grazing my ear.
“Yes.” I hiss, when his hand slides lower, settling between my legs.
“Is this what you've been dreaming of?” He asks, moving his hand gently against the thin fabric of my leggings.
“Yes.” The word is barely audible as he slides his hand inside the waistband of my pants and under the fabric of my panties, his fingertips tracing lightly against my bare pubic area.
“And this?” He bites down gently on my neck as he slides two fingers inside of my folds and dips them into my entrance.
“Dax.” His name is a plead on my lips as he begins pumping his fingers in and out, causing my knees to weaken under his touch.
Securing me tightly to him, the moment he pulls my backside flush with his body, I feel his massive erection against my tailbone. This only sends my desire that much higher and I immediately grind backwards into him.
“Have you been dreaming about how good I make this feel?” He breathes, moving his hand faster and faster, causing my already building orgasm to reach its peak.
The warmness starts in my lower belly and then spreads, further and further until I can feel the pleasure everywhere. I let out a loud cry as I explode around his hand, leaning forward against the breakfast bar to help hold myself steady.
Dax quickly pulls his hand out and spins me around, not giving me any time to gather my barrings before his mouth crashes down on
mine. We rip at each others clothing like our lives depend on it, clawing and biting as we go until every inch of my body aches for this man's touch.
Lifting me up, he sets me back down on the breakfast bar in front of him and quickly peels my bottoms off, leaving my ass perched on top of the cold counter top. The contrast of the cold against my skin and the heat flooding through my body, only makes me feel that much more hypersensitive.
“Dax.” I breathe, as his hand reaches out and guides my body backwards until I am resting flat on my back on the counter.
“Shhhh.” He trails his fingers lightly across my bare torso, causing my skin to prickle beneath his touch. Positioning himself at my entrance, I hear him take a ragged inhale before pushing his way inside.
He buries himself deep and then stills for a moment, allowing my body the chance to adjust to his size. “Dax.” I plead, urging him forward. I didn't realize how badly I had missed the feeling of him inside of me until just now.
Feeling his hardness, how completely he fills me, has me clawing helplessly as he plunges deep inside of me over and over again. I arch my back off of the cool counter top, giving me the mobility to push downward and meet him thrust for thrust.
He grips my hips tightly and increases his speed, pounding into me so forcefully that my body bounces against his with little control over its own movements. I feel my second orgasm start to unfold. I feel it build in my lower belly causing me to tense below Dax, unable to fight the pleasure working its way deep inside of me and threatening to spill over.
“Give it to me baby. Don't hold back.” He growls, sensing how close I am. “Let me feel you pulse around my hard dick.” His dirty mouth immediately sends my control spiraling and I explode around him on a cry so loud, it echos around us.
I feel him grow impossibly hard inside of me as my walls quake around him. I see the tension in his shoulders grow as his own orgasm takes hold. I watch his mouth drop open and hear a deep groan of pleasure escape his lips as his release finally spills into me.
Taming Lo: A You and I Novel Page 11