by RMGilmour
“You know why,” he answered, gently squeezing my hand.
∞
Castor gave us a tour of his greenhouse, that he’d built on the edge of the forest, where he grew his seedlings and experimented with cross breeding plants. It also served as part juice factory. The back half of the greenhouse was enclosed and cooled, and he explained it had its own power source, independent of the machine, just like their Arena.
He then walked us through the dozen, square orchard plots. Each plot contained a different species of tree and grew an average of twenty-four to thirty-six trees, depending of course, upon their size. He didn’t want us to actually do anything to them though, except water them and pull weeds. They were his pride and joy, and his alone. And he didn’t want us to work anywhere near him. He needed the solitude, which was fine by us.
Jordan thanked him for allowing us to join him, and promised he wouldn’t even know we were there. Castor seemed grateful in return, and directed us toward a corner plot where the weeds had begun to take hold.
We began side by side, working from the outside in, slowly pulling the weeds. The warmth within me had settled into a comfortable tingling upon my skin, no longer trying to escape my body, but it took great effort to keep it there.
I looked across at him one time only, long enough to see his muscles working, the sun glinting off his skin. I then forced my eyes back down to the weeds on the ground. They were safer to look at.
After several moments of trying to recover my breath, he broke the silence.
“Why so quiet?”
But I couldn’t look back up at him.
“Just enjoying the moment, being with you,” I admitted.
When he didn’t say anything further, and I could no longer hear the gentle rustling of weeds being pulled beside me, I knew he was staring at me. The urge to look up was strong, but I fought it off.
“Look at me,” he said.
“No.”
“Look at me,” he urged, moving closer to me.
“No. You told me not to.”
He laughed, reached over with both of his hands, enclosing both of mine and he pulled me to him. But I closed my eyes.
“Lydia,” he whispered, kissing both of my eyes, my nose, my mouth. But then he stopped.
“Ok, fine,” I breathed, and opened my eyes, becoming entranced by his yet again. “Happy now?”
“Very,” he mumbled, resuming his kisses.
He leaned back against the tree and cradled me in his arms. His warmth travelled around me, across my skin, enticing me out, but I couldn’t join him. Instead, I kept that shimmering feeling within me, settled near my surface, just enough to sense his.
We didn’t move from that moment. We remained still, silent, only staring at one another as time moved around us. It was peaceful, like being lost in the beauty of the sunset.
“Well, I see you two have had a productive morning,” came Castor’s voice.
Our gaze swung in his direction at the same time and he stared back at us, from one to the other, shock and embarrassment crossing his face as though he’d discovered us doing so much more. He surveyed the few weeds we’d managed to pull, and requested we tidy up and bring the weeds to the compost.
“And lunch is ready,” he glanced back at us.
Once we’d gathered the weeds, we followed Castor back toward the greenhouse.
“The river branches off not far from here, if you wanted to wash up before you eat,” he said, motioning toward the south.
We found the river easily enough, although after it had branched off from the greater flow, it had become more of a stream that rushed over a pebbly bottom. The water was cool and refreshing as I splashed it upon my face, and I felt myself waking as if from a dream. Then sitting back upon the grass, I peered at the gently waving trees on the other side of the stream, and thought momentarily of home.
“Jordan,” I said, then had to clear my throat to speak louder than the mild noise of the water. “I need you to do something for me.”
“Anything,” he smiled at me.
“Well, either you or Mason, I guess, if he could.”
“What is it?”
“There’s someone I want you to find. The woman that brought Grid here. Her name is Gia.”
“Sure. His records were probably the last from Earth, before yours. It shouldn’t be too hard to locate her. Why?”
I was surprised he had to ask. The happiness we felt when together, shouldn’t be limited to just the two of us.
“I want to reunite them,” I explained. “He has taken care of me. He deserves to be happy.”
“Of course, he does,” he agreed, pulling me up. “Soon as I get back I’ll have Mason access their records. Let’s eat.”
∞
The weeks that followed were the happiest that I could remember in many years. I was sure I hadn’t been this happy since before I’d lost my brother. Every morning we’d greet each other near the forest edge with a warm embrace, and relish our time together in an obscure part of the orchard until lunch.
And as much as I enjoyed being out in the fresh air and the sunshine, my skin prickled daily from the direct sunlight, until Castor provided me each morning with a blend he’d developed just for me and my skin. He was grateful for our quiet intrusion, explaining one morning that he couldn’t stand pulling weeds.
Though through the heat, it occurred to me that it hadn’t rained one time since I’d arrived, and I questioned Jordan, but his only response was a reassuring smile as he informed me that it was coming. I was sure the Rathe could use the rain in the fields as well.
Some days we’d eat lunch with Castor, and others we’d make our slow way back to the Rathe hut through the trees, and wait for Haize’s all clear with a smile in our direction and a quick, barely discernible wave of one hand. She’d leave out two plates of fresh food near the back of the room, along with some water and one of Castor’s special juice blends. And the afternoons were spent blissfully in Jordan’s arms, talking or peacefully enjoying the quiet until the sunset came.
I’d begun to feel a twinge at that time each day and realized that I was starting to dislike the changing colors for it meant the end of the day with him. But I couldn’t blame the sky. The sunset had been our beginning.
Until one afternoon as we were about to leave the hut, he announced he would not be with me the following day.
“Why not?” I asked, assuming the worst - I’d bored him long enough and he was going back to his old life.
“Mason has something he needs my help with and he said it would take a large part of the day,” he sighed.
“So, I won’t even get to see you for just a few minutes?”
I couldn’t bear the thought of going a whole day without seeing him. His presence was so much a part of me. But he laughed at my question and I turned to find out why.
“I asked him that very question,” he answered. The relief filled me, wiping away the doubt. “He said sorry, but no.”
He no doubt saw the disappointment on my face, for he pulled me into his arms, and held me tight.
“It’s only one day,” he softly said.
“Yep, just keep repeating that.”
He kissed me slowly, savoring our last few moments and then we left the hut. Him going back through the trees to the city wall where Mason would be waiting for him, and me across the field to the hills.
Once back at the cliff, I wasn’t ready to go in; the sun had not completely set. And so, I sat upon the stone walkway just beside the entrance, and watched the colors leave the sky and the stars begin to appear. I missed sharing the evening hours with him, such as we did back on Earth, even if he had only been in my head.
Every day, the very moment he entered the city, was the start of my long, lonely nights, left alone with only my own sense of self. And I wondered if I would continue to feel his presence within me, if I were to follow him into the city.
&nbs
p; “What are you doing?” Grid’s voice interrupted my thoughts. He was just inside the doorway.
I wiped the moisture from my cheeks and remembered I was not supposed to be outside at this time.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Come on,” he said, and held out his hand. I gladly took it.
The evenings were spent in a tumble of mixed emotions, happy about the day’s events, but also filled with sadness at how much I missed his presence. Grid was understanding, though occasionally he would get too close, too comforting, hugging me for too long, holding my hand when it wasn’t necessary, touching my hair or my face, but he always maintained a certain distance, stopping before starting anything.
We usually spent the evening hours either in the food hall being amused by the Rathe as they deliberated the night away, or in his front room, talking, remembering Earth and comparing notes.
On this evening though, he didn’t need to ask me if I wanted to go to the food hall, I clearly wasn’t in the mood for company, and so he took me home.
Once back in the front room, he prepared a light meal for us. During our meal, the window in the wall came alive with pictures and sound. There was a conversation. We could only hear their words however, not see the two people speaking.
“What is this?” I asked him. “I didn’t know you had a TV.”
His expression turned to horror as he looked over at me, his hands moving closer to me, ready to catch me, as though at any moment I would figure something out and run away screaming.
“We don’t,” he croaked, looking back at the screen. “This is someone new.”
Someone new. I knew what that meant, but my brain didn’t want to put it into words.
“It’s so soon,” he whispered again.
I studied the screen, listening to their words; I didn’t recognize the place, it wasn’t Earth.
“Where are they?” I breathed.
“Looks like Heart.”
‘Go away,’ the female voice demanded, her feelings emanating from the screen, filling me. She was scared and angry. ‘I don’t believe you. Someone is playing a joke on me and when I find out who you are I’ll break you.’
I wanted to reach through the screen to the girl. Tell her it was real. She wasn’t going crazy. But there was no possible way I could do that.
And a moment later it ended. Whether the Central Unit or the wards had shut it down, or if whoever she was communicating with had left, we wouldn’t know.
When her feelings had disconnected from me, I was left with my own sinking realization. This is what it looked like to them, when Jordan was communicating with me. They heard our words and saw what I was seeing, but there was more to it than that. I’d felt what she was feeling through the monitor, as though I was the one feeling it, as though I was in her head, and in her heart. And I knew that everyone here, had felt what I had felt when I was the one on the screen. Every essence of me laid bare. There was nothing left inside me that hadn’t been shared.
My hand shook as it lay upon the table beside my plate, my fork resting across my fingers, half in my hand, half out. My insides contracted as the food I’d ingested began to fight its way back out.
I pushed away from the table and ran to the bathroom, leaned over the toilet and emptied my stomach. It was always the smell and the sight which made my stomach heave even more than it had originally intended, and I silently thanked Grid’s acceptance of technology as a scan swept across my mouth and another down into the bowl, cleaning and eliminating the smell and every speck of the acrid taste along with it.
Once I was sure my stomach was settling, I rocked back upon my heels, falling hard upon the floor, and collapsing to the side. The floor was cool against my skin, but it was soothing.
Grid was with me, behind me; his hand upon my back, gently circling, trying to calm me.
I reached out one still shaking, hand to him. He pulled me to his lap and I laid my head upon his leg. Though I didn’t want to look at him. And I tried not to shake as the final stages of despair erupted through me.
There was nothing left within me that was private. Nothing except what I’d felt since coming here. And no one knew of those feelings for Jordan. No one knew how it felt to be in his presence, wrapped in his warmth, my heart answering his call. Those feelings and thoughts at least were mine alone. And this was my new life now. My old life was gone. That person I once was, gone, somewhat. This, at least, I could keep to myself.
I circled my arms around Grid’s leg, silently thanking him for being there. He was always around when I needed someone, though it should have been Jordan. His arms should be the ones comforting me. Not someone else’s. His voice should have been soothing me, not Grid’s.
In my old life, I wouldn’t have needed anyone. I would have gone through the motions of frustration, anger, sadness, then slept away the pain and upon waking file it away as just another day at the river.
Though this place was different, both backward and forward. I found people that actually cared, not because they felt sorry for me, but because they wanted to entwine their lives with my existence.
I closed my eyes and thought of this new girl who had come through the screen. She sounded young. I wanted to protect her, break all of those screens so no one could see her, hear her, or feel her. Let her life be her own. I wanted to break the Central Unit, stop it from doing this to someone else. But if she was communicating with this boy, then she’d done as I’d done and had connected with her soulmate. That was a feeling I wouldn’t take from anyone.
But if it was the Guardian doing this, putting our lives on display, I couldn’t fathom why it would.
Pushing myself to my feet, Grid helped me to the sink, and even though I didn’t need to brush my teeth - the Unit had taken care of that - I felt a need to brush and rinse anyway, out of habit, removing the disgusting taste that normally would have been in my mouth, until I was sure I’d sanitized every molecule.
Though as I leaned over the sink I grabbed its cold edges, feeling somewhat of an answer to my question forming. The wards laid us bare as a form of pre-humiliation. Letting everyone see, hear and feel just who we were before we arrived, nothing was private, no part of our prior lives could be kept hidden, making it just as awkward for those who had watched as the ones that arrived.
The wards didn’t realize though, that our prior lives no longer mattered. Being pulled here was disturbing enough, stripping us of all we knew, all we thought we knew, bringing us to a new world, a new life, one that was not planned and not wanted without the people we thought would be here for us. It was like dying and being reborn all over again, but worse, for we retained every memory, every thought from our past life and so did everyone around us.
I felt Grid’s arms around my waist. I’m not sure how long they’d been there, but they were welcome. It was better than going through this alone, now that I no longer had the void to keep me company.
“Are you ok?” he whispered.
“No,” I cried, my throat still felt a little sore from the bile. “But I plan to be.”
He picked me up and carried me out of the room. I didn’t want to be treated as though I was too weak to walk, but it felt good to be close to someone. And I was grateful that he cared; I couldn’t push that away.
He took me to my room and laid me down on my bed, removed my shoes and pulled the blanket over me. I was sure he was going to stay, but when I didn’t feel any further movement, I turned to see him walking away.
“Grid,” I whispered, reaching for him. “Stay with me.”
He paused, but only for a moment. Then he returned and climbed in beside me.
11
The Arena
The following morning Grid was gone. I was grateful. He seemed to know what I needed, and I doubted I could have explained why I needed him with me. I couldn’t explain it to myself. I’d dealt with everything on my own for such a long time, but even then, I wasn’t
quite alone, there was the void that had kept me occupied. But the void was long gone. It had been replaced with Jordan’s love and Grid’s friendship.
As I walked down the hallway, I wasn’t sure how I was going to thank him, but I stopped short of the entrance. The screen was back, and so was the girl. My stomach contracted. I looked about for Grid and found him near the counter, pacing. He looked as sickened by this as I felt. Upon hearing me enter, he looked up and strode across the room to me.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “It can’t be turned off. They’ve been talking most of the night.”
I couldn’t enter the room. I couldn’t be hit by her emotions again, but even standing somewhat of a distance away didn’t seem to help.
‘What’s your name?’ the boy asked.
‘You should know, you’re in my head!’ the girl snapped.
‘I can’t hear everything though. Look, I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘But when I hear your voice, I feel like… I’ve known you forever.’
I felt a shattering in my heart at his words, it was breaking me in two. The feeling though, was from her. She also felt what he felt, but she didn’t want it. She was solid, strong, and these feelings were making her weak and soft.
I’m a warrior, the girl told herself, her thoughts filling my head as though they were my thoughts. Not some weak girl who falls in love with the first guy to make her feel…
But the girl stopped herself from finishing the sentence. She didn’t want to give the feeling a name, for that would be acknowledging that the feeling existed, and admitting to herself that she actually felt it. I could feel the girl fighting for control of her heart, the warrior refusing to give in to weakness.
‘I don’t want to do this to you,’ the boy said. ‘It’s not right to feel so divided in who you are. I don’t want to leave, but I will if you say so.’
‘Please leave me,’ the girl requested. No, she thought. ‘Yes!’ she fought. I don’t know, she finished in her mind.
‘I’ll go,’ he relented. ‘I’ll give you some time.’