by RMGilmour
28
Grace
The first things I felt were a cool breeze caressing my skin, a softness beneath me, and a slight tingling down my right arm. I took a deep breath then slowly released it, and before I could open my eyes the memories came flooding back. The white room, the ward, my blood congealing around me. And then there was darkness, I’d lost my will, my sense of reason, and I thought I’d died.
And perhaps I’d hallucinated, but I was sure I’d heard his voice, sure I’d breathed him in with my last breath. It was possible that we’d both died and he’d come to claim me. And yet in this moment there was comfort enfolding me and light shining through my eyelids.
Maybe we’d been inserted, regenerated. Maybe that was the Jordan I’d seen. The question I wanted to be able to answer, but found I couldn’t, was if I would know, if I had been inserted and reproduced. My mind shuddered at the thought of never knowing for sure. And then I remembered my scars and his. That’s how we would always know. The machine didn’t understand imperfections, or perhaps it just didn’t like them.
A sound reached my ears, one that I hadn’t heard for a very long time, and I’d wondered if I ever would again. A gentle pattering above me told me it was finally raining. I opened my eyes to familiar sails amongst the branches above me, and to the rain falling in between those leaves and branches, only to land upon an invisible barrier overhead. It was fascinating to see it fall, but not reach me.
I rose my arm just enough to check my wrist, and saw a fine scar travel across its narrow surface. But there was no pain, only a slight tingling sensation as though it was still healing.
And then I gasped as it occurred to me that if I was scarred, then I couldn’t have been inserted. I sighed, thankful. If Jordan was alive as I’d dreamed he was, then maybe he would still feel the same. But if he’d been inserted I wouldn’t care, I’d take him any way I could.
I didn’t want to move my eyes from the ceiling. I wasn’t ready to face the possibility that I had hallucinated, that he was gone, completely. I couldn’t bear the thought of my soul reaching out to emptiness, and so I kept it locked within me. But the more my senses became aware of my surroundings, the sensation that I wasn’t alone also grew stronger.
And with barely a sound, I whispered his name.
A hand slid across my stomach, followed by him as his complete weight came to rest on top of me. I was crushed, pinned beneath him, but I didn’t even try to move. I felt only safe.
His warmth embraced me, and I opened myself up to unite with him once more.
I was relieved to see him alive, to feel him with me, but he wasn’t smiling. He interlaced our fingers, stared briefly into my eyes, and then lowered his forehead to rest upon mine.
“Promise me something,” he whispered. His voice though hoarse, echoed through me, awakening every cell within me.
“Anything,” I whispered in return.
“Never do that again.”
My mind raced back through recent events, trying to pinpoint what I may have done to upset him, but most of it was a blur. A promise I’d made to him weeks before came to mind, but that couldn’t be it. I hadn’t gone hunting; we’d gone to war.
I didn’t want to question him, I wanted to give an absolute agreement, but I needed to know what I’d done this time, to be sure I didn’t do it again.
“Never do what?” I asked.
“Die,” he moaned, closing his eyes, sliding his cheek to mine. His arms slipped around me, beneath me, holding me tighter, crushing me to him.
He rolled to the side, pulling me with him. Though as much as I enjoyed breathing, I liked being crushed by him more, and I was tempted to try sliding back under him. But I needed to breathe in order to talk more.
“I thought you were dead,” I choked on the words. I never wanted to speak them again. “Mason said your heart stopped beating.”
“It had, but only so the Central Unit could repair it,” he paused, I’m sure to let me digest that bit of information. “He told me you screamed that you’d killed me. He called out to you, but he couldn’t leave me. Explain?”
I thought the screaming was only in my head. And I couldn’t recall Mason calling to me. But how could I rationalize away, the punishment that I’d endured at my own hands over the years, had risen up one more time to pierce through the person I’d discovered inside and thought I’d become.
Lowering my eyes to his chin, I could finally admit that my view of the losses in my life had been somewhat distorted. For I shared my brother’s instinct to fight for our freedom, no matter what the cost. And I was most likely not old enough to succumb to my family’s history of disease - or perhaps I just hadn’t yet felt its symptoms, as Mason may have been suggesting. As for the accident, I didn’t cause it, I didn’t cause his death - hard words to say; and I only survived out of pure luck or fate, my soul saying wait.
And here, in this world, death held a different meaning. Jordan survived because he knew he would.
Now if only this new clarity would stick!
I sighed at my all too brief self-analysis, not knowing how to explain it all to him.
“Once again, I wish I could hear your thoughts,” he said, frustration crossing his brow. “You have the most fascinating way of coming to conclusions, and I need to know what you’re thinking.” But the frustration refused to stay upon his face as it smoothed into a smile.
“Well, let’s just say my perspective has been somewhat warped for quite some time. But I think I’m good now.”
“Good. You deserve so much more than that.”
“What is it you think I deserve?” I asked, remembering my promise to tell him everything.
“You deserve… us. An eternity of happiness.”
“Jordan,” I whispered, determined to get it all out now, before he said another word about us.
He put his finger to my lips. “Ssh,” he breathed.
“But I need to tell you…”
“No, you don’t,” and his smile disappeared once more.
It was gracious of him to let me off the hook so easily, but I couldn’t let him do that. There would always be memories and pain, and he would need to understand where they were coming from.
But he spoke before I could.
“You don’t have to tell me anything,” he said. “Because I already know.”
He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, then looked back up at me, “I saw everything. Felt… everything,” he lifted my right hand to his mouth and caressed my palm with his trembling lips, the very place the ward had bitten me. “Every moment. We couldn’t stop it, not soon enough. I’m so sorry.”
At first, my mind didn’t want to comprehend what he was saying. I couldn’t bear to think of him seeing me with Grid, being handled by the ward, but he’d felt it too. And he was apologizing to me.
“How…” I wanted to ask, but couldn’t finish the question.
“The same way the colonists were able to see you, hear you, feel you, when you were back on Earth and I was in your head. Except this time, I saw, and felt, and heard everything Grid felt, saw, and heard.
“My hands hurting you,” he whispered, caressing my cheeks. “My teeth biting you,” his voice trembled as he kissed my hand once more. “Me…” but he couldn’t finish, and I gently brushed my fingers across his mouth. I didn’t want him to say another word.
I thought it had all been to torture me through Grid, but the Guardian had managed to get to us all at the same time. And I realized the depth of Jordan’s warning in the tree-hut. If the Guardian caught us, inserted us, it would spend an eternity forcing each other’s torture upon us.
“No,” I breathed. “Not you.”
Caressing his face, across his temple, then down his cheek to his jaw, I moved closer to him until every part of me was touching him. Then raising my face, I kissed him softly, slowly.
And the world disappeared. All that existed was us and the feelings we e
voked in one another.
As he pulled away from me, I felt words and sentences reforming in my mind, and I smiled at him as I sat up, bringing him up with me. We had to release this pain. It was in the past and it needed to stay there.
“There will always be memories and pain for us both, but we don’t need to let it affect who we are and how we feel.” Words Dr. Riley had tried to instill in me, once hollow and empty, but now I was finding the meaning inside them. “It was war and now it’s over. I hope.” I hadn’t even thought to ask him about the machine, the Colony and the city. But I would get to it.
“It is. It’s over. You’re safe,” he reassured me, stroking my face.
His words tore my mind in two. I wanted to stop and delve into the details of the battle, and inquire about our friends. But I pushed those thoughts away, keeping my focus on him.
“When I’m with you and when you kiss me, it all goes away, and all that exists is you and me, and nothing else matters.”
“You mean when I kiss you like this?” he asked, leaning in, taking over my senses once more. Only this time more demanding.
“You were saying?” he grinned, when he released me.
“Um,” and I remembered his words, which was where I was going anyway. “Us and an eternity of happiness.”
“I’ll agree to that,” he smiled, moving closer.
“Agreed,” I murmured. “Jordan.”
“Yes,” he said, but his eyes were numbing my brain, and I had to say it before I lost the moment.
“I love you,” I whispered, breathing him in, weaving my soul around his.
29
Friends and Family
I couldn’t say how many days had passed, lost in his company, my thoughts drowned out by the rain and his heartbeat. I hadn’t given another thought to the Colony until one sunny afternoon, we decided it was time to return.
“Have you been to the Colony since… bringing me here?” I asked him.
“I haven’t left your side. Though before you woke up, Haize and Mason came by to check on you,” he said, almost growling Mason’s name, and I figured he either knew, or suspected, Mason’s part in my plan to end the Guardian.
I was relieved to hear they were ok, and I hoped we didn’t lose too many in the battle.
We made our slow way back through the trees, meeting Haize and Aleric in the tree hut. They beamed at me as we sat with them, as had everyone we’d met across the fields along the way.
“The Guardian is gone, completely,” Jordan explained. “Meaning no more control, no more wards.”
“Grid?” I whispered.
He cupped one hand around my face and gently stroked my cheek with his thumb. The softness of his touch told me what I needed to know. It was disheartening, realizing he was gone, but at least he was where he wanted to be. However, this only raised further necessary questions about who was taking care of the others from Earth.
“Rebecca and Hammond have moved to a small cottage just outside of Tira-Mi,” Haize informed me. “She’s… she’ll make it. Could use a visit from you though.”
“And the others?” I asked.
“You know they were never quite right,” Aleric trailed off, but I urged him to finish. “Grid sent them back to the Spire.”
I frowned at hearing that, and tried to hold back the emotion that wanted take over.
Jordan placed his hand under my chin, raising my eyes to his. “They may find peace finally, in the Spire.”
I hoped so. If not, it would be better to let them die properly, the way they were meant to.
“Can… any of them come back?”
“They can if they choose, and they’ll be themselves, have total control. Some have already,” he laughed, indicating toward the field.
A fair distance away, I spotted Castor, still the tallest amongst the group he was near. Standing with him was Hera, and I could almost hear her cries as her father held a young man around the throat.
I gasped at the scene, but knew better than to interfere. He wouldn’t hurt Connor, much. I wanted to ask if Hera had been saved from insertion, but stopped myself before I did; knowing wouldn’t make a difference.
And then my thoughts narrowed in on the only one I needed to know about.
“The ward…” I breathed, hoping he was not roaming the fields as we spoke.
“You don’t have to worry about him,” Jordan assured me.
“But what if he comes back?”
“He can’t,” Aleric added.
I wanted to ask them how they could be so certain, but they exchanged a look I couldn’t interpret. I didn’t want to press the matter. I would force it out of Jordan later.
“Is Lena around?” I asked, realizing I hadn’t seen her on the way to the hut.
“She found her man,” Haize grinned.
I smiled at hearing this. However, this meant it would be awhile before she surfaced again, and I decided she had a week before I would hunt her down… at the risk of her killing me. I needed her to keep training me. I didn’t care how advanced their technology was, computer programs were unreliable, and I couldn’t take any more chances; I needed to be ready… for anything.
There was one more name I wanted to discuss, but I was unsure if I should - the one person who had betrayed Jordan on so many levels, in his effort to save us all. Though as I gazed at him, the calm left his face. He seemed to hear my unspoken question as he stroked my cheek, and gently ran his thumb across my mouth, before planting a small kiss, and I decided now was not the time to bring up Mason. That conversation could wait.
We spent our days with the Rathe, and even with the Guardian gone they still preferred manual labor than using any kind of technology to farm the fields. But it felt good to be busy. Jordan spent most mornings in the city, needing to finish a project, but he wouldn’t say what. And the afternoons in the tree-hut, were always a large gathering; no one needing to rush back inside anywhere.
Though there were conversations that I missed; a friendship, now absent, that had become a part of who I was. I missed the one person who had taken care of me from the beginning, despite our violent end. I couldn’t imagine the memories he would have to deal with, and I longed for a chance to speak with him again. I hoped he was ok.
“What’s wrong?” Jordan asked me one quiet afternoon. He pulled me closer, wrapping me up in him.
I only smiled at him, wanting to discuss Grid, though not in that moment, and not in the tree-hut with others around us. But I also didn’t want to respond and say nothing was wrong. And so, I didn’t respond at all. I kissed the corner of his mouth and looked away, however as I did, Aleric caught my attention. He seemed to be studying me, before turning his gaze to Jordan. Though he didn’t speak. Not unusual for Aleric, so I let it go.
I nestled my head into Jordan’s neck and enjoyed the sunset; still an Earth sunset, one of his creations. The protection around the planet had only gone down for a short while and was the first thing the Central Unit restored. I was curious though, about what the real sky on Threa looked like, and I wished I’d been conscious at the time to see it, but I wouldn’t change what I had.
∞
It was several days later that Jordan pulled me through the trees, smiling as though he had a secret, but instead of heading toward the Colony, he took me toward the city wall. And I stopped, marveling at what lie before me. There was no wall.
“It’s gone,” I said, reaching my hand out to where it once stood. Seeing the wall, no longer there, was a happy sight, but at what cost. “The Central Unit, is it still safe?”
“Of course,” he said, pulling me in through the colorful houses.
However, once we’d reached the white walkways, memories of the fighting began to surface, along with a question I’d almost forgotten.
“How did you see the barrier? To save me?”
He chuckled at my question, “From the moment we entered the city, all I could think about was
keeping you safe. There were several times that I’d pulled you out of danger at the last moment. I saw it coming. I just knew.”
“The Central Unit?” I asked, thinking of how it had helped me locate him during the hunt.
He smiled down at me, nodded and gently squeezed my hand.
I was grateful for everything it had provided and continued to do for us, and felt only safe within its reach. But when the Spire came into view, my breath caught in my throat, and my feet refused to move forward. I couldn’t go back there.
“It’s ok,” he said, stopping with me, but I didn’t really give him much of a choice. “It’s just a building. No more wards, remember?”
I resumed my forward motion, only at his insistence, and only because he promised I would not be left alone. But it was at a slow pace.
And once inside, the same tall woman I’d previously met, greeted us smiling, quietly stating she was happy to see I was ok. Mason was pacing the room, apparently waiting for us, but he stopped at hearing the woman’s greeting.
“Lydia,” he groaned, taking several shaky steps toward me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he’d been taken by the Guardian. If I’d known…” but he couldn’t finish.
I tried to throw my arms around him, but only one made it; Jordan refused to let go of my other hand. I thanked Mason for healing us both, explaining that I was alive, and that if I wasn’t, I might then have had an issue with him.
He laughed, understanding my meaning, and released me. Jordan quickly pulled me back to him, and I expected him to lead me out of the building, but we didn’t move.
“What are we doing?” I asked, glancing from one to the other.
“You’ll see,” Mason smiled. He then turned toward a familiar hallway, indicating that we should follow.
Again, I couldn’t make my feet move, but Jordan slipped an arm around me, pulling me along, insisting we were fine. Although when we reached the end of the long hallway, there were black spots before my eyes, and I squeezed Jordan’s hand to stop myself from passing out.