by Jessica Ames
Part of me thinks I deserve whatever he’d dole out. I was, after all, the one who disappeared without any explanation. I was the one who hurt him, but I had my reasons. Good ones, at the time. Now, I’m not so sure.
Especially now.
Pushing through the crowd of people milling on the pavements, I keep my head down, my hair curtaining my face, hoping I won’t be recognised. It goes against everything in my body that tells me to hold my chin high and not give a fuck, but there’s more at stake here than just me, and all it takes is for one person to see me and feed it back to Ty. At one time, I was as well known in this town as he was, so I’m taking a risk walking around like this, but I don’t have a choice. This is the only hospital in the area that could treat Lily-May and for her I’d walk on broken glass or step into the fire.
That doesn’t mean I need to bring drama unnecessarily to my door, so I’ll avoid it as long as I can.
Being back here brings demons, ones I can’t keep at bay. Everywhere I look I see memories of another time, a time that eventually destroyed me. A time that I’m still healing from.
I stomp down on those thoughts, push those monsters aside and ignore the churning in my gut as I step through the hospital’s doors. My heart still races, though, a sign of my apprehension.
I’m itching to get Lily-May out of this poisonous place, even though I know she needs to be here. Kessington has the power to seep into even the good things in life and corrode them.
After I left Tyler high and dry, I moved to the other side of London and that’s where I met Lucy. When I first left, I got a job in a bar. I wasn’t qualified to do anything else. Lucy was working there too and we were both struggling to make rent. When she asked me to share a flat with her, I jumped at the chance. I was about to become a single parent. I didn’t have a lot of options. Over the past three years, she’s been my rock and has taken care of me and Lily-May better than family. I’ll always be grateful for that.
I pass the nurses’ station and give the on-duty nurse a wave.
“How’s she been?”
“She was a little cranky this morning, but she’ll be better for seeing you,” Jessa says. I like this nurse. She’s been good to me and Lil in the time we’ve been here. As usual, her hair is pulled up into a ponytail and her cheeks are rosy. “Did you manage to get some sleep?”
“A little.” Then I admit, “I just wanted to get back here.”
After a solid week at the hospital, I needed to shower and recharge for a few hours. I didn’t want to leave, but I needed that time to just get my shit together, so I can be strong for my daughter.
“Understandable, but it is important to take care of yourself, too.” There’s a hint of chastisement in her words that barely penetrates. I know she means well, but I don’t need a lecture. I’m used to being exhausted. I’m used to running on no sleep and not showering for days at a time, because I’m a single mum and that’s been my life since Lil was first born.
“So everyone keeps telling me, but while Lily-May is in the hospital, all I care about is her. I’m not even thinking about myself.”
“You’re a good mum,” Jessa tells me and her words, which should make me beam with pride, make my stomach churn with an ugly feeling.
Guilt.
I’m a terrible mother.
I paint a smile on my face and forge past the nurses’ station and into the room that has become my life for almost seven days now.
The sterile smell of the cleaning fluids mixes with the scent of sweat and illness that clings to the air. The machines at the side of the bed beep in a steady rhythmic tone that grates on my nerves every time I hear it, because it reminds me of my truth—that things are no longer okay.
Lucy glances up from the magazine she’s flicking through and gives me a smile that’s filled with warmth. I would never have survived the past few years without her. She’s been the best friend I could never live without and she loves Lily-May as much as I do.
She looks tired, too. Her eyes are surrounded by black circles that mar her pale skin and the freckles on her face seem more pronounced.
My eyes slide to the cot bed and my feet move of their own accord to the side of it before my hand comes to rest on my daughter’s belly. She’s wearing pyjamas with little motorcycles on them. I might be out of the life, but it hasn’t totally let go of its hold on me. I’m still a biker brat at heart. Besides, her jammies are adorable—at least they would be if they didn’t have a whole host of wires and tubes snaking out from under the material.
Lily-May’s eyes are closed, but flutter a little at my touch, and the urge to play with her beautiful blonde curls is overwhelming, but I don’t want to wake her.
“How’s she been?” I ask Lucy, keeping my voice soft.
“A little fussy,” she says, confirming what the nurse told me, “but she settled eventually and slept probably more than you have, by the look of you.”
I watch as she lets her white blonde hair free and redoes it in another sloppy knot.
Lucy is a beautiful person, both inside and out. She was mine and Lily-May’s saviour after I left town and she continues to be my saviour now, helping me navigate this nightmare.
“Is she any worse?”
She shakes her head. “About the same really. They gave her some meds an hour ago and she’s slept since.”
My heart breaks. No parent should have to see their child sick, but this feels like punishment for what I did in the past, for the way I lived my life. I wish the universe would take it out on me, though, not my daughter. In all of this, she is the only innocent one.
“You should go and get some rest,” I tell her, but she shakes her head.
“I’m fine, honey. I can stay for a bit.”
I don’t argue with her. It would be pointless to try when her mind is made up.
Lucy considers me a moment. “How are you doing with everything else? Being back here can’t be easy.”
Inwardly, I flinch at her perceptiveness. Being back here is hell.
“It’s the only hospital in London with a children’s department capable of giving Lily-May the treatment she needs,” I say instead.
She clucks her tongue at me, letting her frustration show. She’s one of the few people who can get away with giving me shit like that, because Lucy is closer than family.
“I didn’t ask that, Sasha. I asked how you’re doing.”
I glance up from my daughter and meet her gaze. My heart is starting to race a little and my palms feel warm. I don’t want to talk about how I’m doing. I don’t want to relive the nightmare I survived, just barely. All I want is to see to my kid.
“I’m dealing.”
Because I have to.
The alternative is my daughter doesn’t get her treatment and she dies. That isn’t going to happen.
I’m saved from further probing by the doctor entering. Dr Harking has been a godsend, helping Lily-May when the other doctors couldn’t. He’s the leading cancer specialist in the country, and knows everything there is to know about paediatric cases. When Lily-May took a turn this time, we were transferred over here—to a hospital within the boundaries of the Sons’ territory. That was not a good thing for me, but it’s the best for my daughter, so the transfer happened. Only the best will do for her.
Still, it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
“Did the results come back?” I press, not caring about making small talk. I want to know if my daughter can be saved, if me or Lucy hold the key to saving her.
My stomach fills with ice as his mouth pulls into a tight line and I know it’s going to be bad news. Chills run up my spine as the bottom prepares to drop out of my world.
“It did. I’m sorry, but you’re not a full match and Miss Franklin only has one marker in common.”
My heart sinks and terror like I’ve never felt claws at my cardiac muscle. She needs eight to match. That means Lucy can’t donate bone marrow. I can, but there are risks with it being only a partial ma
tch.
It’s a crushing blow and I feel as if I’ve been sucker punched in the gut. The only chance Lily-May has of surviving this is with a transplant.
Helplessness spreads through me and it’s not a feeling I’m used to. My entire life, I’ve always got by on the seat of my pants. I’ve always fudged my way through somehow, but there’s no fudging this. This is the end of the line. It means Lily-May’s chances of survival are diminished significantly. Our only other choice is to transplant from me and risk infection or the transplant not taking, or get her on the national donor register and find an anonymous match, which is going to be tough.
How do I fix the unfixable?
I stagger over to the other chair at the side of the bed and drop into it, my legs feeling unsteady. This is a death knell for her.
“As I told you before the test—immediate family is the best option for a full match, although that’s not guaranteed. A sibling gives a higher chance, but Lily-May is an only child, right?”
“Right,” I murmur back. Numbness is spreading through me. I feel sick.
“We can put her on the national register and see if we hit a full match on there, but that’s all we can do for now.”
All we can do…
His words sound like giving up and I’m not ready to lie down and lose my child. Not yet. Not while I’m still breathing.
“What about a parent?” I demand.
His brow draws together. “We already tested you—”
“I’m not talking about me. I’m talking about Lily-May’s father. What if I can get him tested?”
“Sash!” Lucy gasps. “You can’t.”
She knows why I can’t. She knows the hurt in my past that made me walk away from my entire life. She also knows doing this will shatter me.
Doing nothing isn’t an option, though.
My child needs me, and I’ll do whatever it takes to fix this for her—even if it means facing my demons. Even if it means facing a man who all but destroyed me—would have done if it wasn’t for my daughter.
I ignore my best friend. It would hurt to do it, to walk into that clubhouse and demand it, but for my daughter, I would suffer anything. When life got dark, she was the only light in my world. She kept me sane, whole and putting one foot in front of the other. I won’t lose her because I’m afraid. I’ll fight to my last breath for her—even if it means putting myself in the firing line.
The doctor considers it.
“It might help. A father could match more closely than you have, although the chances are still not overly high, but if you can get them here we can do the test.”
“I’ll get him here,” I promise.
I just have to work out which man I’m bringing—Tyler or his brother, James.
3
Sasha
My heart is galloping in my chest as I approach the Untamed Sons compound, but something comes over me as it comes into view. My back straightens, and my lips pull into a snarl as I stride towards the gate.
I’m doing this for Lily-May, and that has me putting one foot in front of the other and moving nearer to the entrance of the compound. It has me pushing all my fears aside because for her I can and I will be strong.
The clubhouse sits at the bottom end of a cul-de-sac, behind a wire fence that spans the perimeter. Behind me, the hustle and bustle of London traffic becomes a dull moan as I move further from the main road. Civilisation is just a stone’s throw away, but it might as well be a mile. This is the Sons’ domain and even if it wasn’t for the huge sign over the doors of the compound declaring that, it’s written in every stone of the road.
I peer through the chain-link fence at the building I once considered my home. Growing up, I spent a lot of time here. Priest, my father, was always at the clubhouse, so I was here as often as I was allowed. Growing up it was just the two of us. Mum didn’t stick around long. Then later, after we started dating, Tyler would bring me. By the time he got made president, I was already deeply embedded in this life. I lived and breathed the Sons, loved the brothers and saw them as family. Losing them was almost as hard as losing Ty.
As I let my eyes roam over the clubhouse, I’m surprised by how little the building has changed in the years I’ve been gone. It doesn’t look any different from the last time I was here, except maybe a little more downtrodden. Ty clearly hasn’t kept up with the housekeeping—something I would have made him do.
The squat structure, which spans one floor, looks more like a commercial unit than the headquarters of a notorious biker club. On the outside of the fence line there are bays for parking, which are filled with Harleys that make my stomach flip with a hint of excitement. I always loved being on the back of Rav’s bike. I loved wrapping my arms around his waist and hitting the open road, just me and him. It’s been too long since I last rode.
My eyes trail to the other side of the gate and the rows of bikes beyond it. The chrome glints in the mid-afternoon sunlight, creating a sea of sparkling lights that line the road to the gate like an airport landing strip. It’s kind of beautiful, which seems at odds with the hardness of the rest of the surroundings.
As I reach the gate, I pause. There’s no bell, no way of letting anyone know I’m here. That’s because coming to the clubhouse is invite only, and I doubt I’m on that list. Knowing these men as I do, they already know I’m here. They probably knew the moment I turned into the street.
“Are you lost, sweetheart?” a young guy with dark hair asks, stepping out of a small booth at the side of the gate. He looks maybe eighteen or nineteen, but his swagger tells me he’s been with the Sons for a little while. His gaze rakes over me in a way that would have most women squirming, but I grew up in this life. I’m more than used to the men that live in it, and I know how to handle them.
“Do I look lost?” I raise my eyebrow, holding his eyes. I don’t flatter him like the club pussy would and I see as he narrows his eyes that it unnerves him. A smirk plays across my lips. “I’m looking for Ravage.”
I decide to start with the lesser of two evils. Facing Rav will be easier than facing Sin. I’m not sure I have the strength to see him yet, but I will. For Lily-May, I’ll talk to him.
The prospect’s demeanour changes from playful to on guard in an instant. I see the moment the steel shutters come down and I don’t blame him. It would make anyone in the club edgy if some bitch showed up asking to see their president—especially when that bitch looks like me.
I may have left the biker life behind, but it hasn’t completely left me. I have short black hair that is so dark it looks dyed, but it’s my natural colour. It reaches just past my chin, following the line of my jaw. The leather jacket I’m wearing is beat around the edges, scuffed and marked up from years of use. Beneath the sleeve, it’s just possible to see the tattoo on my wrist of my daughter’s name in a heart. On my other I wear a heap of silver and black bangles. Dark eyeshadow and eyeliner rim my eyes, making them look hard.
The prospect glares at me like I’m a live bomb. “And you are?”
“Aren’t you a good boy, asking all the right questions?”
I don’t see any patches on his kutte and judging from how new the leather looks, I’m guessing he’s a prospect or he’s relatively newly patched in because I don’t recognise him either. He’s definitely not from my generation of bikers.
This might make things easier. The others hate my guts.
“Sasha.” I don’t give him any more than my name. I don’t need to.
When he twists slightly to look in the direction of the clubhouse, I glimpse the back of his kutte, the leather vest all bikers wear, and I see the word ‘Prospect’.
I was right then. This guy is green as grass.
I trail a finger over the chain-link fence and sadness comes over me. It feels weird to be this side of the fence and not a good weird. I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed this place until now—even with the bad memories. There was a lot of good that happened here too.
“Don�
�t move,” the prospect warns, and I put my hands up in mock-surrender, rolling my eyes.
This gets me a glare as he pulls his phone out and dials before holding it to his ear. I don’t blame his suspicion. He doesn’t know me from Adam. Ironically, only a few short years ago keeping me out here would have cost this guy his kutte. How much things have changed because of one mistake I made—because I trusted the wrong man.
I swallow that down and slide my eyes in the direction of the clubhouse hoping, praying, that I don’t run into Sin. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to deal with seeing him yet, although I’ll need to get strong enough. I need that sample. I need to know if he’s a match for Lily-May. Nothing else matters right now. Not the past, not the future, not a damned thing.
Even so, I steel myself for the coming storm.
It comes sooner than anticipated.
“Bitch, you’re not welcome here,” a familiar voice declares, venom behind the words.
Nox.
Of all the brothers, I always liked him best. He was the most laid-back of the bunch, even with a body filled with artwork and an attitude that could rival a rattlesnake. He was always kind to me, but I hurt his president and these men are nothing if not loyal to each other. I’ll be lucky if he doesn’t gut me on the spot.
“Nox.” I sound bored and school my features before taking a look at him. This man could end me with a word and I’d disappear into the ether, never to be found again. The Sons are good at making things vanish.
What I get back from him is suspicion and outright hostility.
He shakes his head. “Ain’t happening.”
“Nox—”
“No chance, you ain’t seeing him, and if you’ve got any sense in that head of yours, you’ll get the fuck out of town before he sees you.”
I figured this might be his answer, but I’m not deterred. Fear for Lily-May makes me bolder than I might have been under other circumstances.
“Do you think I’d be here if I had a fucking choice?” I spit back at him, the anger of the past three years overtaking everything else.