by Jessica Ames
Nox rolls his eyes at my words. “You know that ain’t true.”
“Do I? My woman left because she was knocked up by my brother. How’s that any different from those bitches wanting to get their claws into any brother with a patch?”
“Sash was one of us once. Try to remember that.” He stares at me a beat, then says, “Just think on it, okay? I’ll have a prospect bring another bottle of Scotch.”
He bangs his fist off the wall lightly and strides from my office, leaving me with my turbulent thoughts.
5
Sasha
Rav and Sin don’t show up the next morning. I didn’t expect they would after I dropped the ticking time bomb that one of them is a father, but I hoped. Foolishly, stupidly, I hoped they would put the past aside and do this to save a little girl’s life.
Anger surges through my veins that they were incapable of letting go of our shit for just five seconds, but it’s followed by a feeling of helplessness. They’re Lily-May’s last hope. She needs this.
They might not even be a match, filters across my brain and I hate that it does. I don’t need to be thinking negative thoughts right now. Only positive. My baby is going to survive this. She’s going to get that transplant and be right as rain again.
It’s the only hope I have to cling to as I pace the hospital corridor, glancing up at the clock.
I nibble on my bottom lip.
Eleven-thirty.
They’re an hour late.
A sinking feeling is hitting the pit of my stomach, one that tells me this isn’t going the way I want.
“I don’t think they’re coming, honey,” Lucy tells me, her voice soft, as if that can lessen the blow.
It doesn’t.
“We just need to give them a little longer.” I sound desperate. I know time won’t make a lick of difference, but I have to hold on to that. I have to believe neither men hate me so much they’d let a baby die.
I look at the clock again, watching the time tick down.
They’re not coming.
I expected it from Sin. That bastard wouldn’t lift a finger to help me before, but I thought he might feel a hint of remorse that might guilt him into coming. Rav… Knowing him as I do, I’m guessing he lost his shit over what I told him and has spent the last few hours buried in a bottle of Scotch.
I snag my jacket from the chair and shrug into it.
“Where are you going?” Lucy asks, coming to her feet with me.
“Back to the clubhouse.”
“Sash, you can’t. Ravage pointed a gun at your head last time you were there. What do you think he’ll do to you now he’s had time to think about all of this?”
Probably put a bullet in me, but if I can get him to the hospital before he does that…
“They’re Lily-May’s last hope.”
“The national register—”
“Won’t save her. The chances of finding a match are slim to none. A full match is her best shot. Rav or Sin could be that.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing.” Her voice tells me she doesn’t think I’m doing the right thing, but I love her for not trying to talk me out of this crazy plan. She knows I’ll do anything for my daughter, even walk back through the fires of hell.
I fix my jacket in place and grab my bag.
“If they do turn up, call me.”
She comes to her feet and pulls me into a hug. “Please be careful, honey. Lily-May needs her mother alive and kicking, not buried in some MC’s backyard.”
“They won’t hurt me,” I assure her, hoping that’s true. They never used to harm women, but a lot has changed over the past few years, including Rav. I don't know what these men stand for any longer, but I hope it’s the same as it was in the past.
Rav’s different now, harder, although he always was—just not with me. I can’t blame him for reacting the way he has. I dropped a grenade and walked away, but I had to. Being in his and Sin’s presence is too difficult. It brings back too many memories of a time I’d rather forget. I don’t think I’ve been happy one day since I left. Other than Lil. She’s the sunshine in my cloudy sky, and I’ll never feel anything but joy at having her—no matter how she came into this world.
Because she’s mine. Mine. And I’ll fight for her to my dying breath, which may come sooner rather than later, if Rav is feeling less than benevolent.
It’s a bit of a walk to the clubhouse, but it’s warm today, so I go on foot. Besides, I need the time to think. Nerves jangle through me, but my mind is focused on getting the help I need for my daughter—even if it backfires on me. I’ll take whatever punishment is offered, so long as they agree to help her.
As I approach the gates of the clubhouse, I lift my chin higher and exude an air of calm I absolutely do not feel. Inside, I’m a trembling wreck. I need to get this for Lily-May and nothing will stand in my way. Not Rav, not Sin—nothing.
I stand in front of the gates and after a moment the same prospect from yesterday appears from the hut at the side.
He eyes me warily, but he doesn’t say a word to me. Instead, he gets straight on the phone.
I wait, my patience wearing thin as I prowl the fence line like a wildcat.
I expect to see Rav appear from the clubhouse, but it’s Nox.
Great.
Getting past the gatekeeper isn’t going to be easy.
He doesn’t bother with hello as he nears me. “Get fucking gone, now.”
I steel my jaw, and slip my fingers through the chain-link fence that separates us. “I told him I’d be back if no one showed to the appointment. Big surprise, no one showed, so here I am.”
He snorts at me. “You’ve got a fucking death wish.”
“I just want help for my daughter, Nox. I get that and I’ll disappear again. Poof, like I never existed.”
The way he’s looking at me, I guess he’s wishing that I’d do that anyway. He’s probably thinking about how he can make that happen.
“Rav isn’t going to help you, and Sin’s in no condition to do shit right now.”
His words take a moment to sink in and when they do, I can’t help but smirk. I’m guessing him and Rav got into it last night. I can’t say I feel any remorse that Sin obviously took a beating.
Nox’s face pulls into a snarl. “You think this shit is funny? Pitting brother against brother?”
“I think Sin got exactly what he deserves.”
He deserves so much worse.
He tilts his head to one side, considering me like I’m a puzzle. “What’s going on there, Sash? Did something happen between you and Sin?”
I roll my eyes. “Do I need to teach you about the birds and the bees, Nox?”
This makes him chuckle, but there's no humour in it. “I’m not talking about you both getting your rocks off. I’m talking about the fact you seem a little pissed at the guy.”
I could answer. I could spill everything right now, but he’d never believe me. No one will. Sin told me that at the time. It’s the only truth he spilled that night and it’s the only truth I’ve been sure of over the past three years—that I wouldn’t be believed. I’m not big on trying to prove myself.
Instead, I hedge with, “You’d have to ask him.”
“I’m asking you.”
I eye him, my mouth twisting up at the corners.
“I’m not here to rehash the past, Nox. I’m here for my kid. Where’s Rav and Sin?”
“Not coming.”
I try a different tact, realising I’m never going to get through the wall he’s built between us.
“She’s a baby. She needs help.” I’m not above begging, if it gets me what I want. I’ll appeal to whatever side of Nox I have to. He’s not swayed though.
“You fucked around on Rav. You think he’s going to give a shit about helping you?”
I sigh at his outburst. “I’d prefer to hear that from his mouth.”
“Then hear it from my mouth,” Rav’s voice breaks through the tension. I gla
nce to the side and see him crossing the tarmac towards us. “I don’t give a shit about helping you.”
When he reaches the gate, he looks me over like I’m shit under his boots.
I lift my chin a little higher and take a moment to study the man who was once my world. Now, I’m not sure what he is. Old feelings still sit on the precipice. One hard push would shove them over.
My eyes rake over Rav’s face and I feel a hint of satisfaction as I take in his injuries. Judging from the cut over his brow and the layers of bruises down his jaw, he and Sin got into it pretty bad after I left. I hope Sin came worse off. He deserves everything he gets. I just wish Rav hadn’t got caught up in it.
But I’m not here to see justice get dished out. I’m here for Lily-May.
“Rav—”
He moves up to the fence and hisses at me, “You’re lucky I don’t put a bullet in you right now.”
“I know you think I’d deserve that, but I don’t. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You fucked my brother,” he counters, “and got pregnant.”
Pain lances through my chest at his words, pain that steals my breath. “That’s the past. I don’t care about that. All I care about is my daughter. You never showed.”
“Did I say I was going to?”
“Are you really going to do nothing? She could be yours, and even if she’s not, she’s your niece. I thought family was important to you.”
I throw that back in his face, because Rav has always been about family—whether that’s blood or club.
“You don’t know shit about me.”
“I used to know more than anyone.”
I see a thin break in the wall, but only because I can still read Rav. He keeps it locked tightly behind titanium walls.
“Get the fuck off my property before I do something we both regret.”
I give him a defiant glare. “Not until you promise to help my daughter.”
“I ain’t promising shit to you. You fucked me over, bitch.”
His words cut me, but I ignore the dirty feeling that washes over me. “Are you helping or not?”
“Not.”
“Then I guess I’ll be back tomorrow.”
I turn, walking away, but stop at the sound of the gate opening. Rav starts towards me and the look in his eyes should scare me but it doesn’t. I don’t fear Rav, although I probably should. I’ve known him since we were kids, and the man has been inside me more times than I can count.
“I mean it, Sash. Don’t come back here.”
“Then do the test.”
“Is she mine or Sin’s?”
I swallow back the years of pain that question brings up. “I don’t know.”
His jaw tightens and I see the ripple of disgust that goes through him. It’s nothing compared to the things I’ve said to myself over the years, the uncleanness I felt seeing Sin again after all this time. “If you won’t do this for me, Rav, do it for my father.”
Anger contorts his face.
“That’s low, bringing Priest into this.”
I shrug. “I’ll bring anyone into this if I think it’ll get my daughter the help she needs.”
He scowls at me, then hisses out, “What time tomorrow?”
“Ten.”
“I’ll be there. Then, we’re fucking talking about this.”
Relief floods me. It’s followed quickly by a hint of anger.
“Yeah, Rav, we’ll do that. Show up this time,” I tell him. Then I walk away from the compound and the man I once professed to love—a man I still love.
6
Ravage
“Do you need help relaxing tonight, Rav?” Melody’s voice would usually have me hard as a rock, but right now it’s grating on my nerves.
She flips her red hair over her shoulders and pushes her fake tits out at me, a move that would usually get my attention. I don’t even glance at them, which tells me all I need to know.
My mind is elsewhere.
Melody’s been with the club for a couple of years now, working her way through my boys like a knife through hot butter. She has a mouth like a hoover, which is the only reason I indulge her. Tonight, I’m not in the mood for club bunnies or anything else, though.
Tonight, my mind is full of a certain dark-haired Sasha.
I lean my forearms heavily on the bar and roll my tumbler of Scotch between my fingers.
Even thinking her name has my stomach twisting. Facing her tomorrow will be a coin flip as to whether I lose my shit or not.
I want answers to what the hell is going on, and I hope like fuck she gives them to me. I’m tired of being led around by her.
I want to know if Nox is right. He seems to think there’s more going on than I’m seeing, but I’m not convinced. It seems pretty cut and shut to me. She cheated and left.
Once, Sasha was the reason I existed. She was my world and kept all the darkness, all the demons that dog my steps at bay just long enough to make it through each day. Then she became the reason those demons were unleashed. Like Fury, once I was out of the box, there was no going back in it. I’m a different man now than the one she left behind. There’s no changing that. I’m scarred by the past.
Daimon slides onto the bar stool next to me as Melody sashays off to find another victim. I watch her go before returning my gaze to my Scotch.
He puts a hand up for a drink, which Kyle brings to him, sliding it in front of him like a good little prospect should.
“It’s done,” is all he says as he takes a sip of his pint.
He doesn’t need to explain. I know he’s talking about the money we laundered through our legal businesses. We had a big windfall from some of our drug running this week and it needed to disappear in ways we can spend it. As my money man, that falls to Daimon.
I don’t say anything, just sip my drink, letting the amber liquid burn my gullet as it goes down. I relish it. I need it. Feeling something is better than feeling nothing. Except my problem right now is I feel too much and I hate it. All my old wounds are torn open for the world to see—because of her.
I don’t know how to bring my walls down again, so I’m drinking myself into oblivion.
I don’t want to see her tomorrow, but I said I would be at the hospital and I’m a man of my word, so I’ll be there. I want answers. I want to know why she fucked my brother when I thought things between us were good.
I haven’t seen Sin since I beat several shades of hell out of him. I have no idea what condition he’s in. I don’t care either. The urge to strip him of his colours is chipping away at my every thought. I don’t know why I haven’t yet—the club bylaws would allow it—but something, some gut feeling, tells me I need to see this unfold, and if there’s one thing I trust, it’s my gut.
“Everything is on track for the run tomorrow?” I ask him. We have a drop off to do. Half a million pounds worth of cocaine to move to our supplier, Dizzy—a wannabe gangster who distributes our product. It’s risky, but it’s a run the boys do every other week, so they’re used to taking the necessary precautions to keep them off the law’s radar. Even if they get on that radar, I have a lot of the local plod on the payroll.
“Titch has the route planned. Me and Levi are going with him.”
“Take the prospect too.” I glance up at Kyle who is stocking the bar. The kid works hard, and he’s shown himself as dependable.
He nods, taking my orders without question.
I bang my knuckles on the bar, telling Daimon I’m done, and push up from the stool. I don’t want company tonight, so I walk through the common room, ignoring Noelle as I pass her, ignoring the boys balls deep in club bunnies and the smell of weed and stale smoke in the air. This is home and usually it feels that way, but tonight, I’m a stranger in my own house.
Dog tired, I head up to the room I keep at the clubhouse. It’s home and has been since Sasha left. I had the boys decorate it, so the walls are slate grey and the furniture is new. Other than the bed, there’s a chest
of drawers, wardrobe, a sofa and two bedside tables. Part of me wishes I’d kept the house I shared with Sash before she left. I may live and breathe my club, but sometimes, I need a break from dealing with all the shit and the shitheads that come with it. I should have kept it, but it was too hard seeing memories of her everywhere.
As I pass Sin’s room, my eyes stray in that direction and my anger starts to grow. It takes everything in me to keep walking past, to not go in there and unleash hell again. I hate him for what he’s done. Of all the people in my life, he’s one of the few I trusted. He’s also the only blood family I have left, so his betrayal cuts deep.
Once I’ve shut the door behind me, I slam my fist into the dry wall, cracking the plaster. I don’t care about the decor, but I relish the trickle of blood that wends over my knuckles. the streaks of red are stark against the pale walls.
I shrug out of my kutte, draping it over the chair and then sag back onto the bed, still clothed.
As I lie there, my thoughts drift to a different time, to a time when it was me and Sasha versus the world.
Her being back is throwing me for a loop, one that is going to strangle us both.
7
Sasha
I wake in the chair at the side of the bed with a stiff neck and a hollow feeling in my gut. My eyes rise to take in the cot bed and the mass of blonde hair I can see. Lily-May is hanging on, fighting still, but I can see the toll this is taking on her little body. She needs this procedure and soon.
I push to my feet and move over to the bed, ignoring the beeping of the machines and the low light that is barely illuminating the room. I run my hand over her hair and she stirs a little.
“Mummy?”
“Baby, I’m here.”
Lucy went to the canteen to get some breakfast for us both. She’s been a godsend. I hate being alone in this room. It makes the reality of our situation more real.
Lily-May shifts and closes her eyes again. I’m grateful she can sleep through the worst, because knowing my daughter is suffering and is in pain that I can’t fix is the worst kind of torture.