by Hilary Wilde
"Jan." Suddenly Rab's arms were round her and he was pulling her close to him, just as Peter Frost, Ludovic's friend, had done, but very differently. Rab's movements were tender. "Jan," he said, looking downat her as she lay across his knees, "I love you. I love you so much. I would have told you before, but I thought you were Ludovic's girl." She looked up at him and his face seemed blurred as the tears gathered in her eyes. "I am." ' Rab frowned. "But then why is he playing this trick on you?" "Because... because he's got a strange sense of humour. He doesn't see me as his girl; as a girl, I don't exist to him. It's just that... that...." Suddenly she was crying. Rab rocked her to and fro gently, stroking her soft dark hair. "My poor little Jan," he said, and there was sorrow in his voice, real pain. It helped to stop the tears. "I'm sorry, Rab," she said, and he helped her sit up, gave her a handful of tissues to wipe away the tears. "I'm most terribly sorry, Rab," Jan said when she had recovered composure. "I had no idea." He smiled ruefully. "just my bad luck. You met him first. If you hadn't Jan looked at Rab's kind face, remembered the happy hours they'd spent together, also how often she had thought how much she enjoyed being with Rab, how restful it was. She smiled at him. "Perhaps, Rab. I like you so much." "I'm afraid that's not enough." He stood up, pulling her to her feet gently. "Look, Jan, promise me you won't marry Jarvis? Only unhappiness for you both could result. You will tell Ludovic everything" "Of course." " "And what will happen then?" he asked as they walked slowly across the sand and the woods. As they talked, she thought she heard the sound of the cruiser, 179 but didn't turn round as she was in no mood to meet Jarvis and Sara. If she didn't see them she needn't stop, she knew. "I'll go back to England, Rab." "I see. You live at... where was it? Lewes? Know something, Jan? You're going to be pretty miserable. I'm going home next month too. Let's go back together. You can meet my folk, I can meet yours. We'll just be friends, Jan. I won't rush you. But perhaps, in time, your liking for me might change." "Rab, you're so sweet," Jan turned impulsively to him. "I'd like us to be friends, but...." He smiled. "I won't expect more than friendship, I promise." Walking back towards the long white house, they talked of the future. Rab came from Penzance. He said he had been out there for several years writing a thesis, selling articles as a help. Now it was finished and he was eager to get back to England. "This is a lovely spot," he said, "but give me England every time." Jan moved automatically by his side. How her mother would like Rab. Maybe he was right; maybe if they were just friends, in time she would forget Ludovic and.... They had just come out of woods when the carriage with the two black horses trotting gracefully along passed them. Ludovic was in it. He stared at them. With him was another person, but Jan could not see her face. Could it be Amanda? she wondered. Rab's arm was round Jan's shoulder, her face tearstained, her hair untidy, and then the other person in the carriage, stood up and Jan saw who it was. "Mum!" she shouted as the carriage rolled by. "It's, my mother!" she called to Rab as she ran down the road. What was she doing there? Had Ludovic gone so far as to cable her as he had said? How could her mother afford the fare for what was going to be a nothing? 180
But her joy at seeing her mother made her run fast Rab fell behind, not attempting to keep up. The carriage stopped and Ludovic helped out his companion. How young her mother looked, Jan thought, as she came closer. No one would think she was in her late forties, with that lovely smoky-blue hair, beautifully waved under the absurd but attractive wisp of a lacy hat, blue to match the well-cut suit. "Mum!" Jan shouted, nearly falling over herself as she got closer.'"Darling!" exclaimed her mother, holding wide her arms to hug Jan. "Darling, it's lovely to see you!" "Oh, Mum, Mum!" Jan hugged her. There was so much to say."I've arranged that the room next to yours is for your mother, Jan," Ludovic said, his voice calm, his eyes narrowed as he looked down the road at Rab, standing there, watching them. "I suggest she has a shower and a rest." "I didn't see you come in," Jan said, still hugging her mother. "We were by the lagoon." "I saw you," said Ludovic, his voice cold now. "You were too engrossed to notice us." Jan felt her cheeks' burning. Just how much had Ludovic seen? Had he seen her in Rab's arms, seen him dry her tears? Or only seen them walking along, Rab's arm lightly round her shoulders? "Gome with me. Mum," she said, and led the way to the house. In the bedroom, very similar to Jan's but with a different colour scheme, a warm apricot-pink, her mother smiled. "I must say it's hot," she said, looking round. "A lovely room.""Everything here is lovely," Jan said eagerly. "Don't you think so?" "It is." Her mother smiled at her. "Why were you crying?" Jan felt herself blushing. 181
"Well, you see, Rab, the man I was withwell, he wants to marry me." "Ludovic invited me for the wedding, but I thought it was Felicity and Jarvis. He said nothing about you getting married." Her mother looked puzzled. "Look, I think I'll have a shower and then we can talk." "You didn't get my letter?" "Which one?" her mother asked as she quickly undressed. "The last one," Jan said, then realised that the remark was of no help at all. "I told you all about Jarvis." "Jarvis? No. Have you found out something about him you don't like?" Her mother sounded worried. "No, it wasn't that. Mum. Have your shower and then I'll tell you," Jan promised. Jan perched on the bathroom stool while her mother showered, then curled up on the bed as her mother unpacked and put on a jade green housecoat She talked of the flight out and of her surprise when Ludovic walked into the boutique with the news. "Not that I was really surprised, darling," Jan's mother said as she carefully combed her hair and patted it. "Your letters gave me a clue. You obviously made a good impression on Jarvis's mother." "Did I?" said Jan. "I must say he's a remarkable man... Ludovic, I mean." Jan's mother went on, leaning closer to the mirror to powder her face. Looking in the mirror she could see her daughter. "He's... he's certainly remarkable," Jan agreed. "I don't think I've ever hated any man so much," she went on. "He's ruthless, harsh, arrogant, domineering. ..." "And adorable," her mother said softly. Jan swung round. "What did you say?" "I said adorable." Her mother came to sit on the edge of the bed and smiled. "You're hopelessly in love with him, Jan, aren't you?" she said gently. Jan turned her head away quickly. 182
"I hate him!" She felt her mother's hand on hers, warm and loving. "Jan, sometimes love is strangeit can be born out of hatred, cherished by hatred, and do you know why? Because one uses hatred as a defence. When you love someone and you know it's hopeless you pretend to hate to protect yourself and you say that you wouldn't marry him if he was the last man in the world. You're afraid to admit the truth. Why else could you hate him? Do you know that your letters were full of Ludovic? Yet you hate him. Why?" "Because he's...." Jan drew a long deep breath. "I wrote to you, Mum, and told you everything. The letter you didn't get, I mean. I told you I wasn't going to marry Jarvis." "I got no letterand what has Jarvis to do with you?" Her mother looked surprised. "Jarvis and Felicity are in love, so I understood." "So did I... it's a long story, Mum." "Then I'll sit on something more comfortable, Jan." Her mother said, moving to the armchair near the open window, opening her handbag and lighting a cigarette. "You still don't smoke? Lucky girl. I keep giving it up, but I'm afraid I'm a weak character. Well 'now, how does Jarvis come into all this?" "Didn't... didn't Ludovic tell you that I was going to marry Jarvis?" Jan began. "No. He merely invited me out here for a visit. He said there was going to be a wedding in the family. I took it for granted it was Felicity and Jarvis, of course. It's been one mad rush, so really we had no time to talk." Jan began to walk round the room. "Look, Mum, it all began when I was washing my hair and Ludovic arrived...." Her mother listened and then at the end stubbed out her cigarette and smiled. "Problem easily solved, darling. Just tell Ludovic the truth and everythlng'll be all right." 183
"But I love him and ... and he'll just tear me to bits," Jan said desperately. Her mother stood up and patted her hand. "Do you think he will ? I wonder." "The difficulty is to get him alone...." Jan began, and stopped talking when she saw her mother smiling. "All right," she agreed, "I admit I'm dreading it." "But why, darling? The worst he can do is...." "Ma
ke me squirm and feel ashamed of myself. I know! I only wanted to help Jarvis and now I've got involved. If only Jarvis would tell die truth1 know he doesn't love me or want to marry me. It's all so....""Look, Jan, go along and see Ludovic now while I rest. The sooner you get it done the better. You'll feel much happier, darling."Reluctantly Jan obeyed. The door to Ludovic s study, which was a small room next to his bedroom, stood open. Jan hesitated in the doorway. Ludovic, who was writing at the desk, looked up. "Gould I speak, to you?" she began, her hands damp with nervousness. He was on his feet. "Of course. Actually I was going to ask you to come along and see me, but I thought you'd have a lot to say to your mother first. What a charming woman she is, Jan. So amusing too." "Ludovic, I want to tell you." "Sit down. What about a cold drink, Jan? It really is hot, today. I was afraid your mother would find it too much, but she seemed to enjoy it...." Ludovic was talking as he went to the small bar in the corner with its little fridge, took out me ice and made them both cool lemon drinks. He sat down facing her and smiled. "Well, we're a happy family now, aren't we?" "Ludovic, I want to...." Jan began again, but Ludovic wasn't listening. He leant forward. "I was telling your mother how much I owed you, 184
Jan. Somehow you've opened my eyes and I realise what a lot of mistakes I've made. Maybe it's my agebut somehow I didn't see anything in the right perspective. You made me see that I can't help Jarvis by denying him responsibility. I can see that Jarvis will be helped most by being allowed to marry the girl he loves. You see, Jan, what a help you've been? Mind if I smoke?" As she shook her head, he leant back in his chair, slowly packing his pipe, smiling at her. She sat very still, slightly dazed by it all, trying to sort out things but only becoming more confused. "I've even told Jarvis that if he really hates working in the family firm, we'll find a solution. In any case, I'm planning to resign and go back to my...." "Farming?" Jan was startled. He smiled. ^ "Why not? Certainly I prefer to call myself a grazier rather than a fanner, but it means the same. Don't I look like a... what you'd call a farmer? She stared at him; at his bleached fair hair, his strong face with the amused eyes and mouth that was obviously trying not to laugh at her. She clutched the arms of the chair she was sitting in, for she longed to tell him the truth; that, no matter what he looked like, she would still love him. "By the way," Ludovic abruptly, "what was it you wanted to see me about?" A chill seemed to spread through her. She shivered and then stiffened, drawing a deep breath, for the moment had come. "I'm not going to marry Jarvis." "I know," he said. She stared at him. Then he continued: "Judging from the way you lay in Rab's arms, might I ask if he is to be the lucky man?" Jan winced. Why had Ludovic to be so scathing? "Rab was comforting me because I Was upset," she said angrily. "He also asked me to marry him." , "Did he now? And what was your answer?" 185
She clenched her hands into fists, trying to control her anger. "I don't love him, so I told him so." "I see," Ludovic said slowly, almost as if he was interviewing an employee, she thought angrily. "You don't love Rab, you don't love Jarvis, then who do you love?" Jan caught her breath. She couldn't speak. Her body ached with the desire to tell him the truthto yell the word you at him. Her hands even itched to grab something and throw it at him. How could he be so... "I see you prefer not to answer my question," Ludovic said gravelly, then she saw the twinkle in his eye. "You know," she said 'accusingly, standing up, leaning over the desk. "You always have known, haven't you? You thought it a great game, making me look a fool!" Ludovic smiled. "Of course I knew. What you don't know is why I invited you here. Please sit down, I hate females who lean over my desk and look as though they're about to scream hysterically at any moment." Jan flushed, backed away, fumbled with her hand to find the chair and finally sat down. "Why did you invite me here?" He leaned forward. "Because I wanted to get to know you." She stared; suddenly something in her mind seemed to click. "We had met, then....." "We hadn't met" Ludovic corrected her gravely, "but we had seen one another. You were dancing with Jarvis at the University Ball. You looked terribly unhappy and I wondered why. I asked Jarvis and he told me the whole storyof Frank and George and your desire to get away from Sydney with its memories. I already knew all about Felicity and actually I was the one who got her the job in Cairns. I thought it might be an idea for her to be away while Jarvis studied." He spoke calmly, almost impersonally, and Jan sat 186
very still, trying to grasp it all. So she had seen him before, she thought. At the time she had felt sure. His was not the sort of face you forget. "And^that, my dear Jan," Ludovic went on, using his patronising voice, "is why I invited you up here. I was interested in you. You seemed a staid sort of girl, rather an unusual' type to be so romantic-minded. I knew you needed a holiday, so...." "You got your sister-in-law to write the invitation?" "I knew that was the only way I could get you." He smiled. "Was it such a crime?" "You knew all the time...." Jan began, and Ludovic moved fast, jumping up, going round the desk, as she said, "I hate you! I hate you!" He caught hold of her hands and pulled her to her feet, then smiled down at her. "No, you don't, Jan. You love me, don't you?" Her eyes were wide with dismay, her mouth quivering as she stared at him. "How did you know?" "I knew the day I kissed you. When I was fool enough to introduce you to Peter. I'm cynical, Jan, I was afraid you might be interested in my money. I didn't know you so well, then. You didn't like his brash approach, so I tried mine. I knew then that you loved me. Did you?" Silently Jan nodded. He knew it all, now. She waited for his hands to drop hers, for that sarcastic patronising smile to return, to hear his advice on how not to be so stupid. But instead he smiled. "I knew I loved youthat first time I saw you at the Ball." She gasped. It couldn't be true... she must have imagined the words, she thought. "You mean? B-b^b-but you can't," she stammered. "But I canand do." As he spoke, he linked his hands behind her back and pulled her closer, so that she had to lean against him, bending her head back to look into his face. 187
"But... but..." She fdt dazed. . , , , "But I do," he repeated, and bent his head, gently TrS eqi t-> QT J'lQjTIt was a long satisfying kiss. When he released her, her cheeks were red, her mouth quivering. , "Butbut if you loved me, why were you making me marry Tan/is?" He laughed. "I wasn't. Jarvis u going to marry. Felicity and you're going to marry me. We 11 have a double wedding." . Jan shook her head, trying to clear the muddled thoughts and straighten everything out. "I don't understand. Why did Jarvis pretend ? ^ "Because I asked him to, Jan. You see, I knew you d been badly hurt and hated all men. Somehow I had to break down the barrier and make you see men as not all hateful. I also had to anger you, bring you baoktohte, because you were going through a very emotional phase and I knew I hadn't a hope unless I could get you out ot it A different emotion is the best cure, so I made you hate me. It worked, didn't it?" He smiled at her. I got Jarvis and Felicity to help me. If you had examined Tarvis's words, you would see he never once said he loved youyou, believed he meant that, but he only implied it" " "Did you bribe them?" she asked, then wished she hadn't, .but Ludovic only laughed. "I .used what you'd call moral blackmail, I guess, .but 1 call it a new way of looking at things and a new approach to the difficult young. Jarvis is free to do what he likes with his life and I shall increase itheir allowances. Sara likes you and is thrilled at the thought of going to Pans. So 'all is well. They like you and I like Felicity. Any complaints?" Suddenly she found herself clinging to him, her arms looked round his neck. She began to cry. "Now what's wrong?" he asked, pretending to sound exasperated. "Can't I do anything right?" "I just can't believe it," Jan whispered, her mouth 188 ^t.yBa.i^^i^a-^aa^gsggiSassBs.iigagsss close to his. "I just can't believe it, but whatever you do is right." He chuckied. "I hope you remember that all our married life, Jan." He kissed her and said. very softly, "Have I told you lately that I love you?" 189