by Portia Moore
I look at him, confused. “I don’t understand,” I whisper. “I’ll do anything for us to be together, you know that.” I start to cry then, the tears spilling down my face in a rush as my shoulders start to shake. “I think Cal and Lauren are who told Ian about the possibility of it being his baby, that Helen is the one who told Lauren in the first place, and now I’ve found out that Blue knew Alana all along, that he knew her before me and kept it from me…you were right about him, and you’re the only person who hasn’t lied to me or tricked me or tried to control me.” The words come out between sobs, choked and shaky, and Kam holds my hand throughout all of it, his gaze fixed intensely on me. “If you want me to integrate, I’ll try,” I say desperately, looking up at him through tears.
He’s quiet for a moment, his lips pressed tightly together. “It doesn’t matter to me if it’s biologically my child or not,” he says finally. “It’ll be mine no matter what, because you’ll be my wife. I want us to be together, Megan, but I can’t live on the edge forever wondering about Ian and Alana, what might happen.”
I chew on my lower lip hard, still confused by what he’s asking. “I don’t know what you mean,” I say softly. “If I could get rid of her, I would. You know that! But there’s no way to do that. Dr. Lyce has told me a million times she won’t just go away. I can’t cut her out of me…”
Kam interrupts me smoothly, his hand tightening around mine. “I know we can’t get rid of Alana,” he says. “I just can’t live under the threat of her right now.”
I look at him numbly, still not understanding.
“I want to leave Chicago, leave Indiana. I want us to go away until you have the baby,” he says firmly.
I stare at him, completely floored. I don’t care about leaving Chicago, I think, everyone who I have here has lied to or betrayed me. I’m furious with all of them. But I can’t believe that Kam would leave his family.
He sees what I’m thinking without me saying a word. “Indiana is too close,” he explains. “If Alana comes back, I don’t want her to just be able to hop in a car and drive back to Ian within a few hours.”
My heart starts to beat faster, pounding in my chest. “How far?” I ask weakly, fear starting to creep in as I look into his determined eyes.
“As far as we can go that won’t be a culture shock,” he says firmly. “I want to be with you, and to take care of you, Megan. I’ve got access to money, to my trust—I’ll find you a doctor who will be more open to different things, ideas other than integration. But,” he says, taking both of my hands in his now and looking into my eyes, his face serious and deadly calm, “if we do this, you have to be sure that it’s what you want. You’re what I want, Megan. I’ll be the baby’s father regardless of its biology, but you need to be sure. You need to be committed to this, to us.”
The realization of what he’s asking hits me like a truck. Ian’s face flashes into my head, the momentary look of joy when I first mentioned the baby, and he thought that it was his, before he realized what I really meant. The desperation on his face tonight, the anger and pain and love and hurt all mingled together, the fact that he came back for me—not just Alana, me.
But it’s Kam sitting next to me right now, Kam, who I’ve wanted to spend the rest of my life with since he captured me with that smile in the college bookstore. The odds are that it’s his baby no matter what. She slept with Ian once. What is the chance that that one night with Ian won out over all the others surrounding it? Kam has been through so much because of me. I’ve stomped all over his heart and rebuilt it only to crush it again. How can I tell him no?
And co-parenting would make Ian miserable. He wouldn’t move on. He’d cling to the idea of Alana no matter how hard I tried to keep her at bay. If the shoe was on the other foot, I think he’d ask the same thing of me that Kam is asking right now. And Alana would do it for Ian without a second thought. She’d never look back or question it. She loved him that much.
“Whatever you want, as long as we’re with each other,” I whisper, looking into his eyes as I try to push back the tidal wave of sadness that washes over me, the tiny sliver of fear at abandoning everything and placing all my hopes and trust in Kam, and above all else, the voice whispering in my head, angry and sinister:
If you do this, you’re going to pay.
You both will. I promise you that!
I ignore that voice, though. She’s not important.
I nod and take Kam’s face in my hands. Tears in my eyes fall, and I smile. “Yes,” I tell him firmly. I remind myself that this isn’t selfish. I’m not just doing this for Kam or me, but for our baby.
I’m doing this for us.
Chapter 19
Ian
“You should have seen her face, man. She fucking hates me!”
I don’t know how to feel or what to think. I’m despondent and Blue’s face is full of pity for me, fucking empathy that I don’t want, but I probably need. He came over first thing this morning, knowing I’d need someone, and God knows I do.
I need her but she doesn’t want anything to do with me, I know that. “How she looked at me, it was worse than anything I could’ve imagined.”
“It wasn’t just her being anger with you,” Blue says quietly. “She’s pissed at both of us. But she’ll come around...” He pauses.
“Kam’s family isn’t going to accept her not knowing who the father of her baby is. They’ll convince Kam that he shouldn’t be with her, they’re nice people and all but they have an image to uphold. I just can’t see Kam going for it, going against his family like that.”
“What am I supposed to do now?” I ask him helplessly. “She’s pregnant, and it might be my baby. Am I just supposed to stay away from the whole thing, if it could be mine? Am I just supposed to wait for six more months to find out? It’s not just about me wanting Alana back anymore, it’s about Megan possibly having my baby.”
“There’s gotta be a way for us to find out.” Blue flips open his laptop, and nods. “Yeah, there’s tests. Low-risk to the pregnancy, seems like it’s pretty simple.” He says with a shrug.
“Low risk isn’t no risk,” I say quietly. “I wouldn’t want to risk the baby or take the chance that something might happen.”
“Maybe if you talked to a doctor you’d feel better about it. ”
“I don’t even know if she’d want to do it.” I think of her face when she looked at me, how angry she was, how she told me to go away and not to come back.
“She’d want to do whatever she could to make sure Kam knows it’s his baby,” Blue says bluntly, and it hits me like a punch in the face. Blue winces, immediately realizing what he’s said and how it sounds.
“I’m sorry man,” he says realizing his error. “I shouldn’t have said it like that.”
“It’s alright.” I lean back against the couch, closing my eyes.
The door opens then and I hear Hillary calling out hello as she walks in. “I’ve got photos for you to choose from,” she sings as she walks into the living room, setting a manila envelope down on the coffee table. “Lauren needs you to go through these and finalize what you want out of what she’s narrowed down for the showcase.”
Blue jerks his head in Hillary’s direction, looking at me pointedly as if to tell me to fill her in on what’s going on, which I’m not really sure I want to do. But Hillary picks up on the gesture immediately. “What’s going on?” she asks suspiciously, looking between the two of us.
I let out a long sigh, and with an irritated glance at Blue, explain to her everything that happened last night. Hillary sits down on the couch as she listens intently, her face expressionless as she takes it all in.
“Well,” she says finally when I’m done. “Normally I would be shocked, but at this point nothing with that family surprises me anymore.” She sighs. “I’d talk to Lauren about it, I’m sure she can get Cal or Dexter to arrange a sit-down between you and Megan.”
I run my hands over my face. It seems like everyon
e is doing something, capable of making things happen except for me. Hillary puts her hand on my shoulder.
“Not knowing if the baby is yours or not just holds you hostage to her,” she points out. “It’s better for everyone to know for sure, I think. If it’s not yours, then you can really move on. And if it is, then decisions have to be made, depending on what all of you want.”
“I don’t want to put any more on Lauren’s plate,” I protest.
“Call Cal, then,” Blue interjects. “I think Hillary’s right, and I swear I’m not just saying that because she, well…you know,” he says, cutting off whatever he was about to say as Hillary gives him a amused but warning look.
So I call Cal. He picks up, which I’m surprised at.
“Hey, it’s me, ugh Ian.” I mutter.
“Yeah.” He says dryly as if waiting for an explanation as to why I’m calling him. “ I wanted to say…Thanks for the heads-up about the baby, man,” I say begrudgingly after we exchange greetings. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“You don’t owe me a thanks,” Cal tells me gruffly. “If it was me I’d want someone to tell me.”
I hesitate. “Look, I know you already have done a lot but would it be possible for you to arrange a meeting for me with Megan? I tried to talk to her, but it went south pretty fast, and didn’t really turn out the way I wanted. I need to talk to her on neutral ground, figure this shit out.”
“I can try,” Cal says slowly. “But I’m not exactly on her list of favorite people right now.”
“What happened?” I ask curiously, and Cal just grunts. “Family stuff,” he says noncommittally.
That’s fucking great. I let out a low sigh.
“I’ll see what I can do,” Cal says, and abruptly ends the call.
There’s nothing else to do but go about my day, so I take Blue and Hillary and go out scouting for the remaining shots that I need for the showcase. It’s not long before my phone vibrates with a call from Cal, and I answer quickly. I hadn’t expected to hear from him today—I didn’t think he’d put me so high on his list of priorities.
My stomach drops when I hear his voice, blunt and directly to the point. “ Look Ian, I called Megan. Her phone is disconnected. I went over to the apartment after that and let myself in—I’m there now. Her stuff is gone and she left the keys to the car I got her.”
“What the hell does that mean?” I demand.
Blue hears me and walks over, his expression concerned. “What’s going on?” he asks.
I cover the phone with my hand. “Cal said Megan’s stuff is gone and her phone is disconnected.”
“Hang on, I’ll try to call her,” Blue says. He dials the number quickly, and there’s a moment’s silence before he looks at me shocked and confirms what Cal just said.
“I called Helen before you,” Cal says flatly. “She hasn’t heard from Megan either.”
The world feels like it’s spinning around me, like I’m about to be sick. Worry for Megan floods through me, and I feel stupid, like an idiot for leaving her there alone when Kam was so pissed.
“What if he did something to her?” I demand as I hang up the phone. “What if Kam came back and hurt her, what if something’s happened to her?” I can hear my voice rising, almost frantic now.
“Calm down, man,” Blue says, shaking his head. “Kam wouldn’t do that. I’ll call him right now, maybe he knows what’s going on.”
If Megan is still Megan and she’s alright she’ll be with him, I think, if not then it’s Alana. It’s the only other explanation for Megan disappearing, that Alana’s come back, and I feel hope starting to flood through me followed by guilt.
“No one answered, but the number is still working,” Blue says finally, hanging up the phone. “That’s a good sign.”
“It’s not good enough,” I tell him flatly, my jaw clenched, and Blue lets out a long-suffering sigh. “Fine,” he says. “I’ll call Katy. I sure as hell don’t fucking want to,” he emphasizes, looking at me pointedly. “But for you, I will.”
Hillary gives Blue a small smile and walks off a little ways to give us some privacy, and I’m impressed by how mature she’s being about the whole thing. I’m especially glad that she gave Blue some space once Katy answers the phone, Blue has her on speaker and I can hear the glee in her voice from the minute she answers the phone.
“Hi, Katy,” Blue says coldly. “I just need to ask you a question, that’s all, we don’t need to talk long.”
I shake my head. Be nice to her, I mouth, and he rolls his eyes, but softens his tone a little. “Have you seen Kam?” he asks.
“He came by and got some stuff late last night,” Katy says. “Why?”
“Was Megan with him?” Blue asks shortly, ignoring her question.
“Yeah, she was.” Katy pauses. “She mentioned you might call or come see me…I was kind of hoping for the latter, honestly.”
Blue doesn’t say anything in response, and after a minute she continues. “She left a letter for your cousin, Ian. I can open it and send you a picture, if you don’t want to come and get it.”
“No, we’ll come get it,” I say quickly. “I want to see it without it being messed with.”
“Come on, man,” Blue says quietly, but I shake my head. I’m not budging on this one, a photo of a letter isn’t good enough for me. I want to hold that fucking thing in my hands before I’ll accept whatever is written in it…and I’m pretty sure it’s nothing good.
Hillary tags along, refusing to be left behind and out of the loop, but she promises that she’ll stay in the car while we talk to Katy—the last thing Blue wants is his ex colliding with his new girl, and Hillary doesn’t seem all that eager to meet Katy, either. The ride over is tense, and no matter how many jokes Hillary tries to make, it can’t cut through the heavy feeling in the car—Blue because he has to see his cheating ex again, me because I can’t stop feeling like there’s a huge pit in my stomach. I haven’t had good luck with letters, I think grimly, and nothing is pointing to this one being any better than the last time that Alana/Megan left me a letter.
When we walk up to the apartment and knock, we’re greeted by Katy with a huge smile on her face, clearly ready for the visit. She’s done her makeup, her hair is styled, and she’s wearing tight skinny jeans with a blousy top that shows just the right amount of cleavage. She’s girlfriend-sexy, not slutty-sexy, I think, and that’s exactly the message she’s probably trying to send to Blue.
But I’m not about to be distracted by any of that. “It’s nice to finally meet you,” she says, but I just make an agreeable noise, looking at her pointedly.
“Alrighty,” she says finally, looking slightly deflated. “I’ll get the letter.”
I open the letter the second she hands it to me, my heart pounding and palms sweaty as I start to read what Megan has written there.
Ian,
I know this isn’t going to be what you want to hear. This isn’t just about me anymore, you or Alana. There is someone coming into the world more important than any of us. I have to do what’s right for this baby, and make the best choice, so that’s what I’m doing. You might think that the baby is yours but it isn’t, I know that with everything in me, it’s Kam’s baby and my plans haven’t changed. Kam is going to be my husband and the father of my child.
I wish that things didn’t have to be this way, but there isn’t any other choice. Please don’t fight this. Please do the right thing.
I wish you love and happiness.
--Megan
I crumple the paper up in my fist, balling it up and throwing it against the wall as I fight back tears, my heart aching in my chest. She’s gone, she’s fucking gone, and there’s nothing I can do to bring her back.
“What did it say?” Blue asks quietly, and I round on him, my eyes flashing. “What the fuck do you think it said?”
“Alright, man,” Blue says. “I get it.” He turns to Katy, his face expressionless. “Do you know where they went? What did K
am say?”
“They wouldn’t say where they were going,” Katy says quietly. “But he did say they’d be gone for a while.”
I can’t take it anymore. I storm out of the apartment, wanting to track Kam down and kill him. I’m so furious I’m almost shaking.
Hillary sees me and gets out of the car, walking towards me quickly and trying to put a comforting arm around my shoulders, but I shake it free. I’m not fucking inconsolable, and I’m not sad. I’m angrier than I’ve ever been in my life. And not just at Kam, the longer I think about it the more angry I am at Megan too, because she didn’t have to do this. Why would she fucking do this?!
“This is fucked up, why is she doing this! It’s so fucked up! She can’t do this!” I slump against the car, hands on my knees as I try to breathe. “I thought I knew her,” I mutter. “But I obviously didn’t fucking know Megan at all.” I look up at Blue as he approaches cautiously, furious tears in my eyes.
“Ian, I can find her,” Blue reminds me quietly. “And if somehow I can’t figure it out, you know Megan’s brothers are going to want to know where she went, and they’ve got enough money to dig out the Devil himself.”
I’ve never felt this hurt and betrayed. Not even when Alana left me. How the two sides of the same woman could have betrayed me so thoroughly I don’t know, how I’m stupid enough to let it keep happening, but this is her choice.
And I’ve made mine.
If she can be this cold, and not give a fuck about me or how I feel, fuck Megan and fuck Kam. I’m going to get my girl back, if that’s how they want to play it, that’s what it’ll be.
Them against Us.
The final installment of Her, ‘Yours’ Releases early summer. Sign up for text alerts to be informed by texting portia to 797979 or join my reader group here. Or if email’s your thing join my list here. Thank you so much for reading!