by Martha Carr
Peter asked, “Nuq 'oH ponglIj'e'?”
“Yumfuck Tiberius Troll.”
“Oh, dang, he knows Klingon! Jimmy, that is awesome. You must kill at Comicon.”
“I like it. Little cross-promotion going on. Giving some Star Trek love with some built-in attitude.”
“What’s your character’s catchphrase?”
“Aloha, motherfuckers!”
“We are gonna have to party together sometime, little dude. How old are you?”
“Three hundred and seventy, give or take. I’m a new kind of Yoda.” Yumfuck let out a cackle.
“Those are some sharp-looking teeth. How much did those set you back?”
“I like it. Staying in character.” Peter leaned closer to get a better look as Yumfuck blew a raspberry at him and let out another cackle.
“Damn right, little man. Hey, they’re opening the doors. Come on, you can sit near us.”
“Thanks, motherfuckers!”
“Swears more than my grandmother. I did not know that was possible.”
“Maybe your grandma is a new kind of Yoda.”
Yumfuck scooted away as the two young men walked down the hall toward the theater. He stood in line to get a tub of popcorn, extra butter, taking the money out of his Ninja Turtle backpack. A tall Chewbacca looked down at him and scratched his head, finally holding up his hand in a high five.
At last he had his tub and was breathing in the smell of popcorn. He followed the crowd into the theater, climbing toward the back rows of the stadium-style seating searching for an open seat. He was about to move closer to the front when Peter stood up and waved vigorously at him.
The troll held his popcorn aloft as he crawled over everyone to the seat. He had been waiting for days to see this movie. Afterward, he planned to patrol the neighborhood. In his Ninja Turtles backpack were his mask and cape, so he was ready for action.
The theater darkened and Yumfuck settled back into his seat, shoveling popcorn into his mouth. The familiar music started and Yumfuck hummed along, popcorn shooting from his mouth to land on people in front of him.
A teenager dressed as Darth Vader who was holding his helmet in his lap turned around and shushed the troll, frowning at him. Yumfuck smiled and offered him some popcorn, but the young man turned back, loudly tsking.
“No? Okay.”
“I’ll take some.” Peter reached over as Yumfuck held up the large round tub.
A few seats down a woman turned her head and gave Yumfuck a thumbs-up as she raised her wand in the dim light to create a sound containment spell for the troll. At the last minute, she gave the wand a slight tilt and whispered, “Never-ending” before sliding the dogwood rod back into her purse.
Jimmy reached across Peter as Yumfuck held up the half-empty tub and scooped up popcorn with both hands. Peter grabbed another handful before Yumfuck dropped the tub back in his lap.
It was nearly full again, and the popcorn was warm. The troll smiled and looked at the witch. She was busy cheering at the screen. To everyone else, it looked like she was silently opening her mouth and pumping her fist. She looked at Yumfuck and raised her own tub, smiling as she set it back down on her lap.
Yumfuck let out a contented sigh and buried his face in the tub, chewing and swallowing but never making it to the bottom.
“You’re missing the movie, little dude.”
Yumfuck raised his head, his cheeks stretched out to hold a mass of popcorn.
“Did you lick all of it?” Peter laughed, peering over the edge of the bucket as Yumfuck bit down, making a loud crunch that only he could hear.
Peter’s eyes widened when he saw that the tub was still almost full. “What the… Did you… How’s that?”
“Shhhhh.” The same teenager turned around and glared at Peter.
Peter held up his hands and settled back, glancing over as Yumfuck held up the tub for him again. “Sometimes the simplest dream comes true and gives us just the right amount of courage.”
“I can’t hear you, little dude. No sound is coming out of your mouth.”
Later. Yumfuck let out a cackle and sat back. “Movie time,” he whispered.
His heart raced as he watched the battles and pulled for the heroes. More than once he’d leaned over the shoulder of the teenager in front of him. When the movie ended he patted the boy on the back.
“Yumfuck!” he yelled just as the lights came up and the witch removed the spell. Jimmy held his fist up to his mouth, laughing. “That’s right!” yelled Peter.
The doors opened, and a bored teenager in a red vest and matching visor wheeled in a trash can while carrying a broom and dustpan and took up his post at the bottom of the stairs.
“Please come again. Try to put your trash in the cans at the end of the aisles.” He said the phrase over and over, not paying attention to any of the costumed crowd passing him.
“You got it,” Yumfuck trilled, rushing by him and into the lightly lit foyer.
The attendant shook his head and looked behind him, but Yumfuck was already gone. Two young men patted the teenager on the shoulder and gave him a knowing look.
“Workin’ the busy shift, huh? I feel you, bro.”
“Apparently working too much.” The attendant scratched his head.
“New kind of Yoda,” Peter informed him as they made their way out of the theater.
Yumfuck heard another movie starting in the theater across the hall and saw the sign for the new Avengers flick. He pressed himself against the wall and waited till everyone’s back was turned before shrinking to five inches and running into the theater behind a mother with her young son. He held the popcorn tub high over his head, gradually growing in the dim light to emerge by the stairs at four feet tall again.
The young boy glanced back at him, his mouth in a perfect ‘o.’
Yumfuck hurried halfway up the stairs and moved to the center of the row. He grunted slightly as he pulled the seat down.
The lights began to dim in the theatre and the previews started, showing different superhero movies coming soon. Yumfuck oohed and aahed at every single one. “Punisher! Wanna see that.” The movie started and Yumfuck sat up, excited, shoveling popcorn in his mouth. Still not full.
“Loki!” he exclaimed, gripping popcorn in his paw.
The music was ominous, and the blue glow of the screen reflected from his fur. He leaned forward as Loki pledged his life to Thanos. Yumfuck growled but tilted his head to the side as the camera panned to Thor.
“He’s faking...” Yumfuck whispered.
The scene exploded into action, and Yumfuck stood up as Loki met his demise. “I knew it,” he trilled, throwing popcorn into the air. “Thanos is a bad motherfucker.”
“That’s what I’m saying, little furry dude,” a man wearing a Halo t-shirt whispered behind him.
Yumfuck turned around and gave him and his friends high-fives. He plopped back down into his seat and tossed more popcorn into his mouth. Throughout the whole movie he jumped up and down, shaking his head as the action built and built. By the end, he was gripping the edge of his seat and nibbling nervously on the paper edge of his empty popcorn bucket. He had tossed most of it to the floor in his excitement.
“Dust...” he whispered in amazement as the post-credits scene ended, leaving him completely blown away like most of the other people in the theatre.
The lights came up and Yumfuck stretched his arms over his head, looking around at the mess that he made. He couldn’t leave this place like that. He was one of the good ones. He jumped down and picked up his mess, tossing it back in his bucket. As he went, he found more and more trash and made a pile in his chair. By the time he was finished he had picked up all the trash in the place, and the tower of popcorn buckets, cups, and candy wrappers was ready to topple.
The attendant sighed as he rolled his cart down the aisle before freezing and looking in amazement at the tower. His eyes trailed down to Yumfuck, his backpack tightly strapped to him. He smiled with a s
harp-toothed grin and put his arms out in front of the pile.
“Tada! See? Not such a bad day after all!”
“I may be insane and hallucinating, but thanks, little man! This is way cool of you.”
“No problem,” Yumfuck trilled. “See ya later!”
The attendant watched the furry troll run from the theatre before he nodded and went to work, having finally caught a break.
“He’s a superhero.”
Yumfuck scurried out of the theatre onto the sidewalk. He kicked and chopped his way through the foot traffic and ran around a group before round-house kicking a can down the alley next to him. He stood with his furry paws clenched afterward, the breeze blowing his cape behind him. One of the women in the group giggled.
“Look at that dog! It stands on its hind legs!”
The group turned to look, a man with them scoffing. “I’ve seen better. There’s a dog that wears a tutu that visits sick kids. She walks on her hind legs too.”
Yumfuck ignored the comments and scurried off down the block. “Maybe I should visit hospitals.”
He rubbed his furry chin and shrugged before making his way toward the Starbucks on the corner to take the train to get some donuts before he went home. Small drops of rain began to fall, and he looked at the darkening clouds. As the wind hit his fur, he shivered and rubbed his arms. Suddenly, from the alley next to him he heard a yell, and the voice was familiar.
“Stop, just leave me alone. I don’t want any trouble!”
“Someone is in trouble!” Yumfuck cried.
He dropped his pack just inside the alley and ran down the side, peering into the dark. As he approached the end he could make out two men, one holding a gun and the other nervously handing over his wallet. The clouds cleared from over the moon for a moment, illuminating the man’s face. It was Elijah and he had his hand on his wand, apparently trying to decide if he should give it to the mugger. He looked scared, and his hands shook. Yumfuck growled and raced toward the men, growing taller and bigger with every step.
By the time he reached them, he was over eight feet tall and the small tuft of green hair was now wild and large, blowing in the night breeze. He grabbed the ledges of the buildings on both sides of him and let out a deafening roar, his teeth glistening in the bright moonlight. The two men froze, staring wide-eyed, and the mugger dropped Elijah’s wallet and watch and sprinted away. Yumfuck took a step forward, enraged, but Elijah put his hand on the troll’s furry leg and looked up into his eyes.
“It’s all right, Yumfuck, you scared him off. Thank you.”
Yumfuck’s breathing calmed and slowly he shrank back down to four feet. Elijah gave him a grateful look and patted him on the head. Yumfuck trilled, almost purring as Elijah rubbed the tuft of green fur.
“You all right?” Yumfuck asked.
“I suppose so.” Elijah sighed. “I wasn’t sure whether to use magic, but I was afraid if I didn’t give him what he wanted he would have shot me right there. My mother told me when I was a kid that if I was ever robbed, it was better to lose things than my life. Things can be replaced.”
“Wise lady.”
Elijah bent down and picked up his watch and wallet, then walked to the end of the alley and grabbed Yumfuck’s backpack. He handed it to him and started back toward K Street. He was visibly shaken but safe, and that was what mattered most to Yumfuck.
“Were you on your way somewhere?”
Yumfuck thought about the donuts for a moment, but knew it was more important to stay with Elijah. “Nah, just home. I’ll go with you if that’s okay.”
“Sure is.” Elijah chuckled nervously.
When they got back to the building, Elijah pulled out his keys, his hands still shaking. Yumfuck reached for them.
“Let me help.”
“Thank you.”
When they walked inside one of the neighbors was coming out to check her mailbox. She took one look at Elijah and knew something was wrong. Hurrying over, she glanced down at Yumfuck for a moment and then back at Elijah.
“Are you all right?”
Elijah smiled and nodded. “Yeah, just another mugger, but this time he met his match with Yumfuck here. He scared him into next week. I’m sure it will be a while before he tries that again.”
“How in the world does a Wood Elf get jumped?”
“I don’t know. It all happened so fast.” He shook his head. “There was no time to blend in with the woodwork.”
“I didn’t know you had a troll,” the woman replied, nodding at Yumfuck.
“Oh, I don’t. He’s the new neighbor down the street. Yumfuck, this is Mary. Mary, meet our neighborhood superhero.”
“Well, it’s very nice to meet you. We need more enforcers out here. Things keep getting worse and worse. Before I know it, I’m going to have to use magic just to safely get to the grocery store.”
“I’d like to help in that area,” Yumfuck replied, sticking out his furry chest. “I was thinking of starting a regular patrol around the area—clean it up so everyone feels safe here. There’s no reason to be scared where you live.”
Mary nodded. “I’m gonna grab my mail. Let me know if you need anything, Elijah. I’m right across the hall.”
“Will do, and thank you, Mary.”
Elijah and Yumfuck walked into his apartment and closed the door behind them. Elijah hung up his rain jacket and set his bag down on the table, shaking his head as he took his wallet out of his back pocket.
Yumfuck hated that he’d been scared so badly. There was no way he was going to let that happen again.
Not on his watch.
5
Leira picked her head up off the couch and checked the time on her phone. It was quarter to midnight, and when she looked around she realized that Yumfuck hadn’t come to join her. She felt an unsettled tinge in her stomach but shook it off. She figured he was upstairs in his room, but decided to check on him just in case. Before she could get up, though, the front door creaked open and in walked Yumfuck, the remnants of his torn cape still stuck to his fur. Leira let out a deep breath and leaned back, tilting her head again.
Yumfuck didn’t say a word, just walked over and jumped up on the couch next to Leira. It had been a long day for both of them, and though they were each satisfied and even happy with what they had achieved, exhaustion was taking over. Leira knew she needed to work out to increase her stamina and strength. She couldn’t rely on magic for everything. The latest mission had been a testament to that.
Yumfuck and Leira looked up from the couch as crackles filled the room and a portal opened. Correk stepped through, closing it behind him, and straightened his shirt, not noticing them in the dimly lit room. He turned and jumped, putting his hand to his chest and staring at two of them. Leira lifted an eyebrow, and he walked over and plopped down next to Yumfuck. All three leaned their heads back at the same time and stared at the ceiling.
“Long day, Yumfuck?” Correk asked.
“Yep, but I did my duty.”
“Me, too. How about you, Leira?”
“The world has one less wizard drug lord on the streets of Manhattan and thus is safer.”
“Excellent.”
They sat there in silence for a few more minutes before Correk leaned forward and slapped his knees. He ruffled Yumfuck’s fur. Yumfuck trilled softly, ready to fall asleep right there on the couch.
“I’m ready for bed. How about you, superhero?”
“Ready for dreams and zzzs.”
Leira yawned and told Correk, “I’ll meet you in the bed.” She leaned over and nuzzled Yumfuck’s fur. “Goodnight, motherfucker.”
“Goodnight!”
Correk chuckled and climbed the stairs beside Yumfuck. When they entered his bedroom, Yumfuck shrank down to five inches and climbed into the small portion of his bed that resembled a shoe box. Correk leaned down and tucked him in with a pair of striped panties, rubbing his fur.
“Good night, furball. We’ll have to get you a new cape.
”
“The job can be hard.” Yumfuck yawned and curled into a ball.
“You got that right.”
Correk got up and switched off Yumfuck’s light, which revealed the magical ceiling that resembled Oriceran’s night. He smiled, missing home a bit, and shut the door. He stood in the hallway for a moment. Thinking about Leira waiting for him downstairs brought a smile to his face.
She was sitting up against the headboard with the blankets pulled up to her waist wearing an I love Austin t-shirt. Correk got undressed, climbed in, and laid his head on Leira’s lap. She smiled and ran her fingers through his long hair, enjoying the warmth between them.
“Where did your job take you tonight?” she asked.
“Kentucky.”
“Kentucky? For what?”
“I had to rescue a witch from the dark family. She didn’t want to be there anymore.”
“Correk!” Leira began, worried. He sat up. “That’s so dangerous. You should have taken back-up.”
“I couldn’t. It needed to be as stealthy as possible. I made it out unscathed, though.” He flashed her a big smile. “And I found out that for some reason the dark families made a deal with someone to remove your bounty.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know. I couldn’t stick around long enough to find out.”
“That means we need to watch them extra-close.”
“My thoughts exactly. I knew we would be on the same page.”
“I wish the government was always on our page, though they did let me take down that perp on my own terms tonight. I actually had to use real police work, not just magic.”
“Then you were in seventh heaven.”
“You know it.” Leira laughed.
Correk took Leira’s face in his hands and kissed her nose, and she smiled and rested her forehead against his, savoring the sensation of their energy winding together. She loved how close that made them feel.
“You know what I thought when I left Yumfuck’s room?”
“What? He needs a GPS installed?”
“No.” Correk chuckled. “At first. I missed Oriceran, but then I thought about how you were down here waiting for me. I realized I would give up a million nights under that two-moon sky just to be here in this unfinished house, talking about our crazy Earth lives and getting ready for bed.”