“Do you really think me stupid, girl? Of course I had control over it. When have you ever known me not to have control?” He made a fair point. There were no mistakes with Lawrence. In all the time she had known him, he had perfectly directed the world around him. “I arranged for him to be there. That’s why I timed your turning the way I did.”
Amaia heard a buzzing. What was Lawrence saying, exactly? All this time, she had thought it was an accident that Michael had been there. A horrific accident that she hadn’t been strong enough to prevent. Anyone else would have been strong enough to resist the urge to kill their lover. Meg wouldn’t have done that to Liam, even though she defended the inevitability of the transformation kill. Not a cell in Amaia’s body doubted that if the roles had been reversed and it had been Michael who had turned, he would have resisted killing her. That’s how he was. That’s how normal people were. They felt affection, love, passion. She had felt nothing.
“What do you mean? You wanted me to kill Michael?”
“Of course I wanted you to kill Michael. The man was a menace. He was going to take you away from me, Amaia. You were mine. I raised you, loved you from the time you were a child. I couldn’t let him barge into your life and take you away from me. When you told me he had proposed to you, I saw the ring and knew that you would be foolish enough to take him, to follow him to the ends of the world. I saw the silly look of love in your eyes.”
Lawrence had thought she was nothing more than a foolish, lovesick girl. “You did all of this to keep me from him?”
“Love—mating—makes us weak. You know that. I’ve seen the contempt in your eyes when you see a mated pair. You’re right. I knew firsthand the consequences of letting a human love us. I wasn’t going to let what happened to me happen to you. Having you kill Michael right away was the best thing I could have done for you.”
“How can you say that when it has caused me nothing but torment?”
“I’m sorry about that, my child. I really am. Had I known, perhaps I would have done things differently. I knew that this was the life for you. Can you deny it?”
No, she couldn’t. Every part of her cried out that she belonged as a vampire. This was her reality, her purpose, her life. There wasn’t anything she didn’t love about being a vampire. Except, of course, the fact that her lover was human.
“I had already been down the road you are no doubt traveling now. Abbi was the love of my life, but circumstances meant we kept passing each other by. I met her after I was already stuck in a loveless marriage. We had an affair, but that was no life for her. When the opportunity came for her to marry, I urged her to accept it. I knew it was best for her. I thought then that I would never love again.”
The image of a young Lawrence, smitten with love, entered Amaia’s mind. She couldn’t picture what he would have looked like as a young man. She imagined he could have been handsome in his own way.
“Then my wife died in childbirth along with our stillborn son. We had never been able to have viable children. I was alone, but I couldn’t help thinking that it was better than being married to a woman I didn’t love. I was content to live out my life, but then she returned.” Lawrence stared out the window, his eyes seeming to peer into a different time.
“Abbi?” Amaia felt like a child listening to a bedtime story, and she couldn’t help herself.
Lawrence returned his gaze to her. “Yes. Abbi. Seven years after my wife died, I ran into Abbi when she moved back to the village. Her husband had died as well. She was a fresh widow, looking for comfort and love. I had plenty of both to give. We struck up our affair again. It was amazing how it seemed no time had passed. We had both aged on the outside, but inside we were still the same two young people in love. I can’t tell you how happy I was, Amaia. I wish you could be that happy.”
“Then why did you stop me from marrying Michael? Why did you interfere in my happiness?”
“Because I know the rest of the story. I wanted to be with Abbi forever, but time was not on our side. It didn’t seem fair that we had lost a lifetime together because of bad timing. If I had met her before I married, I would have had her. My life would have been so different. I would have died in my bed a happy old man. I never wanted eternal life, Amaia. I only wanted my Abbi.”
How had this man hidden under Lawrence’s exterior? Amaia was surprised she had spent so much time with him and yet knew so little about who he really was.
“I had known Zenas throughout most of my adult life. I wasn’t a particularly powerful man in my village, but Zenas saw that I had a sharp mind. He liked that. I knew everything about everybody. He used me for information to blackmail people. I don’t know why my part of the world was the one that fascinated him at the time, but it did. He noticed my sadness and asked about it. I told him I wished I could live forever. That’s when he revealed himself to me and offered to turn me. I asked if Abbi could be turned too. He thought our love story was quaint, and he agreed that he would turn us both. We would be able to live out eternity together. His only condition was that I be turned at that moment. He couldn’t risk me changing my mind and the knowledge of his kind being exposed. He didn’t want me telling Abbi until I was a vampire myself. Naturally, I agreed.”
This part of the story sounded familiar. Amaia could understand the desire to live forever. Of course, Lawrence’s desire had come from his love for Abigail; Amaia’s desire had come from a need for control and power.
“I made my transformation kill and went through the metamorphosis. I was so eager to see her when I woke that I fed as quickly as possible and went to her. It was obvious that something was wrong. I hadn’t yet mastered human movement. Hell, I hadn’t even started trying. She was shocked and horrified. I saw the eyes that had only ever looked on me with love harden into a hatred that burns me to this very day.”
The cold passion in Lawrence’s voice bit her.
“I was devastated. I ran away and began to kill. I lost myself in the high. I told you we all do it. I thought if only I could grasp the happiness I felt during my transformation kill, everything would be all right. I failed, as all new vampires do. That particular high is ever elusive.
“Zenas knew what was going on, and he ordered Abigail’s death. She couldn’t continue to live knowing the truth about us. He was lenient with me. Even then, he favored me. I think he actually felt sadness over my situation. He was so in love with Sabine, and I think my circumstances reminded him how lucky he was to have her. I’m grateful for his mercy. He should have killed me as soon as he learned I had let her live after she refused to be turned with me. Instead, he let me resolve it. He even offered to do it for me, but he told me that if he did, then I would forever lose ownership of the deed. I needed to do it myself. If I didn’t, it would always hold me back. I had an eternity to begin living, I couldn’t continually cling to the past, and I didn’t want to learn to resent the man who had given me the chance to have everything.
“I crept into her room while she slept. I watched her throughout the night, memorizing the way she looked to my new vision. She was more beautiful than I had remembered. She had aged gracefully, and I couldn’t help loving that face, no matter how much she had hurt me. I hated myself in that moment, Amaia. I hated myself for letting her have that power over me, for making me weak, for making me vulnerable to her. I learned to hate her too, for taking that vulnerable part of me and irreparably damaging it. I trusted her, and she stomped on my heart. By the time the sun rose, I knew I would kill her, and I knew I would enjoy it. Or at least I would convince myself that I enjoyed it until it became the truth. I can still hear her screams, Amaia. I remember every second of that morning in perfect detail. She begged for mercy. She pled for her life. She was terrified. But not once did she ask to join me. Not once did she apologize for the great injury she did me. That is what love is, Amaia. That is what fickle human hearts are capable of. There is no love. Having you kill Michael as your transformation kill was the best thing I could have ever d
one for you. I spared you the pain of being rejected by him.”
Amaia’s world crumbled around her. This was lunacy. In Lawrence’s eyes, she saw the cold frenzy of a madman. Through it all, her heart went out to him. What great pain he must have suffered.
“You knew I loved him, but you had me kill him anyway?”
“Yes. Your love is the reason you had to kill him. It had to be your transformation kill. I wasn’t sure I could get you to kill him otherwise, and I wasn’t going to have him take you from me. He would have never accepted you as a vampire. I knew that when I turned you. I wanted you, Amaia, and I wasn’t going to let him have you.”
“You let me live this entire time believing that I wasn’t capable of mating, of being in love. But Meg was right, wasn’t she? They were all right. The transformation kill can’t be controlled.”
“No, it can’t. That’s why it had to be then. But really, Amaia, how powerful can the emotion of love be if it is so easily overcome?”
“I don’t know, Lawrence, but clearly love is strong enough for you to base your life on it in your crazy need for revenge. That’s why you’re obsessed with creating a better race, isn’t it? You were so hurt that you want to create a race that is more powerful, impervious to the pain, as if that’s even possible. I can’t believe you intended for me to live through eternity alone. You wanted me to end up just like you. I could have been happy, but you never gave me the chance.” Amaia stormed to her feet, looking down at Lawrence until she could no longer bear the sight of him and turned away.
“You were happy, Amaia. Until you saw him in that tavern, you were happy. I didn’t realize that he would haunt you this way. It makes sense. We all think about our transformation kill. It holds a special place in all of our hearts. But I never imagined this would happen.”
“I always thought you didn’t mate because you didn’t want to, but that’s not true. You’ve never mated because you already have. With her.” Amaia kept her back to him.
“I’d hardly call it mating. She’s not here now. She’s long dead, and I didn’t follow her to the grave.”
Amaia spun around to face him. “No, but look at you, Lawrence. Look at this bitter man you’ve become. You want that for me?”
“Of course not, Amaia.” Lawrence stood and took a step toward her. Amaia backed away. “I want you to be happy and strong and powerful. You have it in you to be the greatest vampire in the history of our kind. I’ve always wanted you standing at the head of my great race with me. As a father and daughter, we could be strong together, neither one of us entangled with a mate, our loyalty absolute.”
Amaia shook her head, trying to dislodge the image of her life that he painted. “I don’t want that Lawrence. All I’ve ever wanted is Michael. I gave him up because of you. You convinced me that I couldn’t have loved him since I killed him.”
“He’s going to turn you away.” Lawrence grasped her shoulders, as if he could force her to believe his words.
“No, he won’t, Lawrence.”
“I’ve been there, Amaia. I know the way humans are. Their love is faithless. He will deny you when he knows the truth.”
There was only one way to prove she was right. “He already knows the truth. He knows what I am, that I killed him, and he still loves me.”
“What?” It was a whisper. Lawrence’s hands tightened on her shoulders until she feared her bones might snap.
“Just because it didn’t work for you, doesn’t mean it can’t work for me.”
“What do you mean he knows, Amaia?” His voice was thick with dangerous accusation.
“Exactly what I said.”
Lawrence threw her back as he released her. “It must end. You must kill him.”
“And what good would that do? He’ll just keep coming back like he always has.”
“I can’t believe you’ve done this, that you’ve betrayed me this way. Zenas will have you killed when he finds out.”
“There’s only one way he’d find out.”
“I can’t keep something like this from him, Amaia. He’ll know.”
“Am I really nothing to you? My love and loyalty mean nothing?”
“You know that’s not true.”
“You had me believe I was a monster. You stripped me of all my choices. You kept me from happiness. I was naïve and stupid and let you talk me into this life when, all along, you knew you were going to take him from me. You told me if he loved me, he would join me in eternal life, but you never intended to give him the choice.”
“No. I won’t apologize for it, Amaia. It was for your own good. Parents often have to do things that may seem cruel for the benefit of their children.”
“This has nothing to do with my wellbeing, Lawrence. Don’t pretend it does. I was just another cog in your plan.”
“If it’s any consolation, my plan failed. I had hoped to control you through your guilt, but you felt none.”
A cold chill grasped Amaia’s heart. Her mouth hung open, though it didn’t draw in air. He was right. Of course he was right. She had never given any weight to guilt.
“You know I’m right. How much could you have loved him, Amaia, if you killed him and didn’t even feel guilt over it? You took it in stride, as if killing was second nature to you. I suppose after the battle, it’s become apparent that it is. I had no idea of that when I changed you.”
“Stop, Lawrence. Just stop.” Amaia went for the door. She needed to get out.
“Where are you going?”
“Anywhere but here. Don’t even try to stop me, or I swear I’ll kill you.” She didn’t wait to hear his reply or see what he would do. She was out the door and making her way through the Paris crowds with no thought of the future.
Chapter Forty
Paris, February 1799
Her feet kept moving, one foot in front of the other. She followed something, even though her mind couldn’t land on what it was. Something guided her. She would know when she arrived.
She couldn’t run. That was too freeing. She could only wander at a human pace. She was so lost in her own thinking that she almost, quite literally, ran into Meg.
“Amaia?” Meg’s voice pierced her thoughts. Amaia couldn’t even remember what she had been thinking about. “Amaia, what’s wrong?”
“Oh, Meg. You’re who I was looking for.” Amaia heard her voice betray her surprise.
“Amaia, you’re worrying me.” Meg cupped Amaia’s face in her hand, steadying her.
“Yes, I’m worrying myself.”
“Let’s go talk somewhere. Liam, why don’t you carry her?”
Amaia’s feet lifted off the ground. Liam carried her like a bride. Amaia had wanted to be a bride once. She hadn’t thought she ever would be, but then that nice man had proposed to her. Michael. Michael loved her. He wanted to marry her, to carry her like a bride.
Liam set her down on a sofa in a room that Meg and Liam must have rented at a hotel. “Didn’t expect you to be so close.”
“We’ve been staying near Lawrence in case you came back.”
“Hmm. That’s nice of you. You’ve always been good friends. Better than I deserve.”
Liam grunted, but Meg took Amaia’s hand in her own. “Nonsense. You know we’re always here for you. Now what’s going on?”
“I told him everything.”
“Who? Lawrence?”
“Yes, Lawrence. Then he told me a story, a very sad story. Would you like to hear it?”
“Sure.”
“See, Meg, that’s why you’re such a good friend. I don’t have to make sense around you.” Amaia proceeded to relate the story of Lawrence and Abigail.
“That old windbag was in love once?” The skepticism in Liam’s voice struck Amaia as funny, and she laughed.
“Yes, I know. I could hardly believe it myself. You should have seen him as he told me about it. It was real. I could see it in his eyes. His aura was all warm and soft. That is, until the part where she broke his heart and he had to
kill her. That part was sad. His aura got all dark and nasty."
Liam knelt down next to Amaia, squinting as he peered into her face. “Is she drunk or something?”
“No, vampires can’t get drunk, silly Liam. Stupid efficient bodies. Lawrence explained it to me once. I miss being able to get drunk. But we can kill. Why don’t you find us some nice big humans, Liam? Lots of blood?”
“No, I don’t think that’s very wise right now, Amaia.” Meg always looked out for her. Always a good friend. “You’ve got to snap out of this. If Lawrence tells Zenas, you’re not going to be able to stay here.”
“He’ll tell him. He doesn’t want me back. He can’t control me, so he has no use for me.”
“What are you going to do?” Meg spoke with urgent concern.
Amaia shrugged. “I have no idea.”
“What do you want?”
“What I want? I can’t have what I want, Meg. Life doesn’t work out for everyone. For every happy couple out there, there’s a poor, miserable wretch. Two actually.”
“You can’t believe that.”
“Let her.” Liam stood and crossed his arms over his chest. “If she wants to be miserable, that’s her choice.”
His tone irritated her. “You think I want this, Liam? You think I wanted any of this?”
“You must have. Your choices up until this point have led you here.”
“That’s not fair.” The words came out hollow, even to her own ears. Liam was right. Lawrence’s choices had stripped her of some of hers, but not all. “I want to be with Michael. I always have, from the very beginning. But how can I do that? If I go to him now, I put him in danger. I can’t do that to him. I won’t.”
“I find your lack of respect for the man you claim to love astounding.” Liam looked as calm and collected as always, but his words held a heat Amaia had never witnessed from him.
“Excuse me?” Amaia couldn’t hide the anger in her voice. How dare Liam question her relationship with Michael?
“Who are you to make this decision for him?” Liam’s domineering voice filled the room.
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