by Sinden West
“That’s not true, Greta.” He took my hand. “Don’t think like that.”
“I can’t help it,” I said as a fresh wave of tears threatened to overcome me.
He escorted me to his car, opening the door for me and even went so far as to draw the seatbelt across my chest and buckle it in. I felt so tired and so worn out, that it was just easier to let him take the lead. The safety and comfort I felt with him was so wrong, it didn’t make sense, but I felt it regardless.
In his bedroom, I let him strip me of my clothes. And when his mouth touched my skin, I let myself throw my head back and moan. I just wanted his touch. I wanted the transparency where I knew exactly what he was, and there were no lies. He fucked me, and I forced myself to keep my eyes open so that I couldn’t pretend that it was Rick instead.
“Are you okay?” he asked me afterward as I clutched the sheet to my chest, disappointed that the sadness was still alive and well inside me. I just nodded.
“I’m fine,” I said numbly. I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep forever.
“Dad? Are you awake?” Nathan’s voice was muffled through the door, then that door was pushed open.
“Shit,” said Oliver.
Nathan stood in the doorway, seemingly frozen as his eyes took us in. None of us moved. Then he spurred into action. A few steps forward and his hand was wrapping around my wrist. He pulled me out of bed in a swift motion. I couldn’t even keep hold of the sheet to cover my nudity.
“Nathan!” I heard Oliver say behind me.
“Don’t you fucking talk!” Fury was evident in Nathan’s voice as he dragged me toward the door. “I told you not to touch her!”
I was pulled down the hall and into the living room. “You need to go home, Greta,” he said in a tight voice.
“Nathan! My clothes.” He stopped and released me, looking at me as for the first time as if realizing that I was naked.
“Don’t move,” he told me, before disappearing down the hallway. A few seconds later he reappeared with my clothes, pushing them into my arms. “Get dressed. I’m taking you home.”
I did, in clumsy actions while he purposefully looked away.
“I’m done,” I told him as I pulled my top down to my waist. His eyes flicked back to me, and he gave a slight nod.
“Let’s go.”
He didn’t utter a single word as he drove. I sat there, feeling like a chastised child, anxious to be out of the car. As he drew up in front of my apartment building, I went to open the door but he stopped me.
“What the hell were you thinking?”
I didn’t have an answer for that, but that didn’t stop him.
“After all he did to your mom. How could you sleep with him?”
“I don’t know,” I said in a small voice.
“I mean, you got rid of your ex for being a drug dealer, yet you have sex with the guy that basically drove your witch of a mother to her grave.”
“I know all that,” I muttered. “I know.”
His eyes searched me. “Then why?”
I shrugged, and then got out of the car. He didn’t try and stop me that time, or follow me and I entered my apartment and crawled into bed feeling worse than before. Deep down, I knew why I had done it. It was self-destructive. I wanted to self-destruct.
The next morning, I dragged myself to the library. I liked the library. The quiet and the fact that no one would talk to you or criticize my decisions helped me. It made it easier to concentrate, to stop the constant buzz of misery in my head. I stared solely at the screen of my laptop and ignored the world around me.
Until the chair next to me scraped back. I looked over, and then quickly looked back at my work.
“Don’t ignore me,” Rick said. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I thought for a second then I slowly looked over at him. “Why are you here?”
The anguish on his face gave me a fright. “Do you really hate me that much? Just because of what I do?”
I turned to face him head on. “Are you serious?” I hissed, conscious of the dirty looks that Tad was giving us. “You’re a fucking monster!”
He leaned back like I’d hit him. “Greta—“
“Do you have no concept of the harm that you do? Who you hurt? The lives you ruin?” My voice was rising.
The sadness on his face at my words served to quell my anger slightly as the familiar ache I felt for him returned.
“Are you going to stop it?” I asked, finally.
He shut his eyes for a moment then opened them. “I’m providing for my future, Greta. This is all I know what to do. This is what I’m good at. I get respect.”
“I have money. I can support us and provide for our future.” I felt almost desperate now.
“No, I’m not going to live off my girlfriend. I’ve told you before that I want to look after you.”
“Then get a job somewhere else!”
His face turned into a sneer. “Where? McDonalds?” Then he sighed. “This doesn’t have to get in the way of us, Greta. It could just be like it was before. I never involved you in that part of my life.”
I shook my head at him sadly. “Instead you just constantly lied to me. That’s not better.”
He shifted in his seat. “So what now?” he asked quietly. “Is it over?”
My mouth wanted to say something else, but I stayed strong. “Yeah,” I said softly. “I need to be first, before everything else. You need to choose me over this lifestyle. I deserve better.”
He nodded then his face hardened. “Fuck you, Greta.” There was a heavy book lying next to me and he threw it across the room, the pages fluttered before it landed with a thump.
And then he was gone. I sat there and blinked back tears until I noticed Tad watching me. Then I went and hid amongst the shelves to cry in private.
Chapter Twenty-Five
After the library, I went home. Emma was still fuming and refusing to take Damien’s calls. She wanted to rant and rave, but I didn’t want to speak about it anymore. Rick was gone, and that was that. I was scared that if I thought about and if I dwelled on it, then this miserable feeling would never leave.
The other option would have been to turn up on Rick’s doorstep, apologize and beg for him to take me back; to say that I accepted whatever path in life that he wanted to take. The temptation was great, but it would have been a lie. Love did not make me blind anymore. I wasn’t stupid, I couldn’t change what I felt was right. I especially couldn’t be with someone who didn’t do the right thing.
Emma made some spur of the moment decision to head out on the town and drown her misery in a night of flirting and drinking. I declined to come along; I didn’t think that would help anything. So when she headed out the door wearing a barely-there silver dress, I curled up on the couch in a pair of sweat pants. I turned off my phone after a bunch of texts from her about the male talent that steadily got less and less coherent.
I nearly didn’t answer the door, but the knocking was insistent. It was David with a bottle of wine, pushing his way in. I just stood and watched him as he headed to the kitchen and grabbed two glasses, shocked that he was there. But then I turned and followed him to where he sat on the couch. He silenced his phone when it rang and began to open the bottle.
“Here you go!” he pushed the glass of wine into my hand before pouring his own one.
“What’s this?”
“Wine. Don’t get all carried away and try and kiss me again though, will you?”
I flushed. “David,” I said, weakly.
“What? We need to talk about it otherwise it’s the elephant in the room.” He sipped his wine while I stared at him.
“You’ve been the one who’s avoiding me. You’re the one with the problem,” I pointed out.
He took another drink, this time it was more like a gulp than a sip. “Yes. I realize that.”
“Anyway,” I sipped my own wine. “I wanted to apologize but you wouldn’t give me the chance. It obviously up
set you.”
“It didn’t upset me,” he said quickly. “I just didn’t know what to do with it, and avoidance behavior is what I’m good at. I’m sorry if I upset you.”
“Why’d you decide to do this tonight?”
A slight look of anger crossed his face. “The O’Connell boy called me. Told me you were upset and since he knew I looked out for you…well you know how it goes. So here I am.”
“David, thanks but I can take care of myself. You didn’t have to come.”
“I wanted to. I like spending time with you, being with you…”
“And I fucked it up didn’t I? Our relationship was great until that stupid kiss.” I sighed and drank my wine.
“No, you didn’t. I was the stupid one. I can’t believe I kicked you out of my apartment.“ He drained his glass before turning to me. “But you need to know why I did it. Do you know what people would think if I started something with you? They’d think that I was the slimy lawyer taking advantage of the young, wealthy beautiful client.” I blushed again, and he smiled at that. “I must admit, I was always more scared that you saw me as a father figure.”
“You’re not that old,” I told him. “And I’ve never seen you as a parent.”
He nodded. “Good to know.”
The silence stretched on before I asked, “What do you see me as?”
He looked nervous all of a sudden. “I’ve always seen you as attractive……but off limits.”
“Oh.” I looked down and took a gulp of my wine. He caught me by surprise when he kissed me, and it took me a moment to kiss back. When we broke apart, his eyes searched me.
“How was that?” I liked how he appeared uncertain; this was so novel from him.
“Good,” I told him. “But I’m confused. What’s going on, David?”
“I-I don’t really know,” he admitted. “But ever since you kissed me I can’t get you out of my head.”
I hid my surprise. “I just broke up with my boyfriend.”
“I know. I know. This was stupid timing,” he muttered. “But I had to, Greta.” He poured himself another glass of wine and I watched as he drank it quickly. “Look, do you want me to go?”
I shifted. “No.”
And we just sat there all night drinking together, but nothing happened.
Epilogue
Pamela seduced Tad. She made him her mission, and I had the feeling that it all happened on the isolated floor of the library. But I tried to head her off when she wanted to give me all the details. Whatever happened, she must have liked it because she went back for more and created a special project around trying to turn him into a human.
I told her she could go after Rick, but she declined. “I don’t want to be second best,” she announced. Then she thought about it. “Actually, I don’t want to be third best and that’s where I’d always be with you and Bella in the picture.”
I felt bad for Emma. She withstood all of Damien’s begging and refused to take him back. I told her that she didn’t have to on my behalf, and she said it was nothing to do with me. She had her own reasons to hate liars by omission and that she’d rather know now than ten years down the track. When word got out she was single again, a variety of worthy, potential new boyfriends started to swarm and that helped her to get over him.
Nathan left town. He wanted to be around new people and start fresh. With the details of NA meetings in different areas, he took off on a cross country trip to create a new life. He needed to be away from his father. He loved him, he said, but he hated the kind of person that he was and feared that’s what he would turn into if he stayed. We went to dinner the night before he took off, his phone buzzed several times with messages from Oliver, but he didn’t answer a single one. I was pleased for Nathan getting a chance at a different type of life, but mostly, I felt sadness when I thought about the kind of person he could have been if born to a different type of parent. And sometimes, I wondered that about myself as well.
I told him that I expected great things from him as I hugged him goodbye. He squeezed me hard and told me he’d be in contact soon. It was six months before I heard from him again. He called me and said he’d lapsed back into his old ways for a while, but was getting help and determined to turn himself around. A year later, he told me that he was engaged and studying to be an addictions counselor. He sounded happy, and I didn’t ask about his dad.
Oliver tried to contact me, but David saw him off fairly quickly. The relationship between David and I was long and drawn out, moving at a snail’s pace. It was six months before we kissed again, and that only happened because it felt like the natural thing to do. The difference between David and Rick was that David was my best friend; dependable, honest and transparent, we had a special bond before romance even came into it. With Rick, I had come to believe that it was infatuation more than love. He was the building of an ego that I desperately needed, and for that, there would always be affection when I thought of him.
I only saw him one more time after we broke up. It was when I was supposed to be meeting David at a restaurant. As usual, I was early and David was running late. The waiter showed me to a table and as I waited there, I saw Rick sitting across the other side of the room. I was slightly shielded by some plants so I felt free to watch him.
He was with Bella. They weren’t speaking, but they seemed to be staring across the table at each other. Then another man joined them, he was older and distinguished looking. Instantly, his hands were on Bella like he owned her and her full attention was on the man. The look on Rick’s face was painful. He was hurting at the idea of not ever fully having this beautiful creature in front of him every way that he should. There was no power here for him. He was the loser. A pang of sympathy for him went through me. I wanted him to be in love and happy, and it seemed that this was escaping him.
But then David rushed in, and my attention was fully on him as he kissed me hard on the mouth in greeting and proceeded to amuse me with stories of his day. As I listened, I knew that there was nowhere else that I wanted to be than with him. Rick may have been exciting, but David was…David, my future.