by Ava Conway
“Isn’t it fantastic?” he asked, dropping my hand and walking a short distance away.
Fantastic? No. A death trap? Maybe.
We were high up, high enough so that I only had to look straight ahead to see the clouds. I crossed my arms and hung back by the door.
“We shouldn’t be here. It’s dangerous.”
He walked up to the railing along the edge of the roof and held his arms out to the sides, ignoring me.
I glanced back down the way we came. For the moment, we were alone, but for how long?
“This is too dangerous,” I repeated as I approached him. I guess Jayden was right—we were having one of those ‘Indian Summers’. It seemed unusually warm for mid-November. I could still feel the sun’s warmth on my skin, even though it dipped below the horizon.
Jayden stood in silence. Why he did this, I had no idea. His behavior was beginning to make me nervous.
“Jayden?”
“Shh…” He motioned me to stand like him and hold my arms out. I hesitated, then did as instructed.
“Doesn’t it feel wonderful?” he asked.
I felt more awkward than anything else. “I don’t know.”
He cracked open his eye and frowned at me. “You’re too tense.” He closed his eyes and lifted his head to the clouds. “Relax. Let go and live in the moment.”
I tried to do what he said. It was difficult at first. I was just too edgy from the run up the stairs and the phone call to my mother. Besides, his behavior was downright weird. I didn’t know what he was going to do next.
After a few moments of quiet, I began to relax. The early evening breeze brushed against my heated cheeks. Car engines echoed from the street beneath us. There was such a flurry of activity from down below, and yet up on the roof, everything felt serene, peaceful.
“Do you feel it now?” he asked.
As my heartbeat began to calm, I realized I did feel it—the soothing peace. I told him so.
He lowered his arms and turned to me. “Sometimes I come up here when things get too intense.”
I lowered my arms and stared at him. “Too intense?”
“Yeah, when I feel a surge of emotion I can’t control.” He turned his back to me and walked a few paces away. “Being up here calms me. It centers me.”
“Like Tai Chi?”
“Sort of. Better, though. Less people.”
“What are you doing?” I watched, horrified, as Jayden climbed up on the railing. “Get down from there. You’ll kill yourself.” I glanced over the side of the building and felt ill. We were really high up.
He looked up and winked. “Nah, I do this all the time.”
I held my breath and watched as he walked a short distance. He held out his arms for balance, and not once did he waver from his stance. “The mind is a powerful thing,” he said. “If you believe in something strong enough, it will happen.” He jumped off. I gaped as he gave a theatrical bow and leaned against the railing.
I closed the distance between us and poked him in the ribs. “Don’t do that again. You scared me half to death.”
Silence descended around us as my nerves unraveled and my breathing returned to normal. He stood close, close enough to feel his body heat, smell his intoxicating scent. He didn’t touch me, just stared at my face, but then again, didn’t have to touch me to make me feel warm all over.
Suddenly he straightened away from the railing. “Want to play a game?”
“A what?’
“A game.”
“I—” I glanced back at the stairs. “I don’t know. Maybe we should go back.”
“No, no.” He grabbed my hands. “We’ve been avoiding this for far too long. Play a game with me.”
I stared at him for a moment, considering. What was he up to? “All right.”
He grinned and pulled me away from the railing. We walked the length of the roof. I took two steps to his one.
“It’s the question game,” he explained.
I stared at him a moment before responding. What was he up to? “How do you play?”
He smiled. “We have a conversation, but always answer with a question. Ready?”
“I suppose.”
“You didn’t end with a question.”
I glanced up at him. “I suppose—did you learn this game at the hospital?”
He nodded. “Flynn taught it to me when we first met. It was how he brought me out of my shell. If I’d thought of it sooner, I would have used it on you.” He grinned. “Why didn’t you talk hen you first arrived?”
I shrugged. “It’s safer that way. How did you learn about the roof?”
“I used to sneak up here with Nesto. Why is not talking safer? What are you afraid of?”
I smirked. “That’s two questions.”
He pressed his lips together for a moment in thought. “Why do you feel that silence is safe?”
“I don’t talk because no one really listens to me anyway. What’s the point?”
“I listen to you.” He stopped walking and turned to face me. “Why were you avoiding me earlier?”
I ignored the question. “What was your appointment this morning?”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
“Neither did you.”
He took a deep breath and looked out over the horizon. “Can I ask you something personal?” He walked over and leaned on the railing.
“Sure, I guess. We aren’t playing anymore, are we?”
“Sorry.” He chuckled and bowed his head for a moment. When he met my gaze, I was taken back by the intensity in his eyes. “Why are you here?”
I cleared my throat and tried to think of how to answer. “Depression. Suicide. You?”
“Bipolar disorder. Major mood swings.” He slid down the rail, closer to me. “But you have family and friends who call and visit. What’s there to be depressed about?”
I didn’t like where this conversation was going. “I have plenty to be depressed about. Have you always been sick?”
“Not always, have you?”
“Not always. When did you learn you were bipolar?”
“Five years ago. Something triggered your depression, didn’t it?”
The little red flag of warning went off in my head. “Yes. Who’s Jess?” I nodded to his shoulder.
He pressed his lips together as some indefinable emotion crossed his features. “Someone I knew, once.” He hesitated, then added, “What triggered your depression?”
I blinked at him as tears stung my eyes. “I don’t want to play this anymore.” In fact, I didn’t want to talk to Jayden, either. All I wanted to do was to curl up in my bed, under the covers, and cry until I felt empty and hollow inside. I turned away and started back toward the stairs.
“Jessica.”
I paused in my steps. What the hell was he talking about? I steeled my emotions and turned to face him.
He held his hands out to the sides. “My sister. Jess was her nickname.” He rolled up his sleeve to show me the intricate Celtic tattoo around the name. “The doctors think that I always had the disposition to become bipolar, but the symptoms didn’t really start until I lost my sister.”
I stared at the name on his arm. “How did she die?” I whispered.
He lowered his shirt and began to close the distance between us. “You first.” He approached and ran his fingers over my arms. “When did your depression start? What triggered it?”
I looked up at him. I wanted to tell him, I did, but it was still too soon, the pain too fresh. “I-I can’t.”
“Okay.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips against my forehead. “Later, then.”
“How did she die?”
His expression fell and his eyes looked haunted. “My father.”
I placed a hand over my mouth, unable to speak.
“The doctors think that’s why I’m so protective of everyone in the Ward. First I couldn’t protect my mother from my alcoholic father. Then I couldn’t protect my sist
er. I compensate by trying to protect everyone else.” He twisted his lips into a wry smile.
“I’m so sorry.” I stumbled forward into his arms.
“He tried to beat me, too, but I fought back.” He touched the scar on his temple. “He gave me this with the end of his shotgun.”
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.”
“At least he clubbed me with it and didn’t shoot me.” He pressed his lips together as pain spread out over his features. “My mother and sister weren’t so lucky.”
Tears flowed down my cheeks. I let them come. How horrible it must have been for him.
“If I had only known what was going on…the extent he was hurting everyone…” He let out a long breath and squeezed my shoulders.
Tears filled my eyes. I closed them and buried my head in Jayden’s chest. He wrapped his arms around my body, enveloping me in his warmth and safety.
“I should have stopped it,” he whispered. “But I wasn’t home. I was in school, both times. Both times I came home to…” He took in a shaky breath. “He tried to get me, too, but I shot him first.” He let out pathetic chuckle. “With the same shotgun he clubbed me with months before.”
So that was what Flynn talked about the other day. Jayden had killed his own father in self-defense. Holy hell. Talk about having demons.
I wiped my eyes and leaned back enough to meet his gaze. I saw all of his pain, his agony. He had held nothing back with me. I knew that I needed to say something. He had shown me so many of his inner demons. I could tell by the look on his face that he wanted a glimpse of mine. I wasn’t ready to tell him about it though, not yet.
I never told anyone what had really happened that night, not even Mia. If Jayden had any idea what I did, he’d leave me—I knew it. I wasn’t worthy of his affection and warmth. Everything about me was a dark, hollow mess. Knowing what happened would only tarnish his light.
So, instead of unloading my past, I did the next best thing I could think of. “It’s wasn’t your fault.” I framed his face with my palms and held his gaze. “You can’t be held responsible for someone else’s actions.”
He slid his fingers up over my wrists. His touch was feather-light, but his warmth seeped deep into my soul. “Ditto.”
Tears flowed. I couldn’t stop them. He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. I closed my eyes and drank in his light, his goodness. Jayden’s biggest problem wasn’t that he tried to protect the entire Ward—it was that he cared too much. There was nowhere for all of those emotions to go, nowhere he could find solace.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close. As he tilted his head, I opened to him, eager to drink in his goodness. Let me be your sanctuary. I needed his emotions as much as he needed to give them to me.
When he broke away, I was breathless.
“Lucy, wait.”
“I don’t want to wait.” I tightened my arms around his neck. “I’m tired of waiting.” I leaned forward to kiss him, but he moved his head at the last minute.
“Lucy—I have to tell you something. It’s important.”
“You’ve said enough.” He told me about the demons from his past. No one had ever trusted me like that before, not even Kyle. It made me want to trust Jayden in return.
“Kiss me.” Before he could respond, I pressed my lips against his. I felt him hesitate, and then it was as if something gave way inside of him. Jayden tilted his head urged me to open to him. I did and he invaded my mouth, exploring, tasting…
I ran my hands over his shoulders and back, desperate to get closer. There were so many damn clothes. I wanted to run my fingers over his bare skin, feel his body pressed up against mine.
He slid his hands underneath my shirt, touching my body with his warm fingers. I slipped my tongue over his, letting his presence invade all of my senses. His scent and touch sent beams of light through my body, penetrating the darkness. I gasped against his mouth as he cupped my breast through my bra and ran his thumb over the smooth fabric. My nipple pebbled and dampness formed between my legs.
“Lucy.” He pulled away and knelt in front of me. Before I could process what he was doing, he lifted my clothes and kissed my stomach, burning my skin with his lips.
I slid my fingers through his hair and watched as he took his time, running his tongue over the smooth skin of my abdomen. His touch burned away the empty ache in my chest, filling it with desire. When he reached my ribcage, I grabbed the edges of my clothes and pulled them up and over my head.
Jayden took in a deep breath and sat back on his heels. “Are you sure?”
I wasn’t surer of anything in my life. “Yes Jayden, I’m sure.”
He slid his hands up my waist, carefully, almost reverently. He cupped my breasts, his awe evident in his features.
The type of bra I wore had the clasp in the front. I reached down and unsnapped it with a flick of my fingers. The fabric parted, and I let it slide off my shoulders.
Jayden blinked at my naked breasts then met my gaze. “I won’t break the trust you’ve given me, Lucy. I promise.”
I smiled and curled my fingers in his hair. “I know.”
He took my nipple into my mouth, and my world exploded. Every nerve ending felt like it was on fire.
I tugged at his shirt as he licked and laved my skin. After a long moment, he stood and kissed my lips. We tore at each other until our constricting clothing fell in a heap around us. Before long we were on top of the cotton garments, pressed skin-on-skin. It was so good to feel so connected with someone again.
“Are you sure?” he asked again as he kissed my cheek. “If you want to back out, now’s the time.”
“I don’t want to back out. Not now. Not ever.” I wrapped my legs around him and moaned as his erection settled in between my legs.
“God, Lucy.” He pressed his lips against mine. The kiss was harder, more passionate. I clung to him like a lifeline. Soon hands were everywhere, lips everywhere. Once again, I felt I was drowning in his presence. So much life and emotion. I didn’t ever want to come up for air. Then he entered me, and for the first time, I understood what it meant to let yourself go and live in the moment. Jayden was perfect. The moment was perfect. I didn’t ever want it to end.
He moved inside of me, stroking my desire with every thrust. I wrapped my arms around him, loving the way he created ribbons of friction along my inner walls. Pleasure wove up through my core and fanned out through my body. I spread my legs farther apart, desperate for him to go deeper, to push himself into the very center of my being.
We came together harder, faster. He whispered my name like a prayer as every muscle in my core stretched to the point of breaking. With each push he dispelled a little more of my darkness and filled it with his light. I was like a sponge, absorbing all of his goodness, his passion. I took all he had to give and wanted more, so much more.
Need surged through my veins. I moaned with each thrust, my voice mingling with his in a primal chorus. Pressure built, until I felt on the point of bursting. I ran my nails down his back, as I raced higher and higher…
Jayden shifted his body, and on the next thrust, he hit a particularly sensitive spot deep inside my core. My orgasm came hard and fast, blasting my entire body with emotion and light. The force of it took me by surprise and tears filled my eyes as pleasure seeped into every part of my body.
Jayden’s body stiffened and his movements became quicker. He whispered my name as he, too, tumbled over the edge into oblivion. I had never seen anything so beautiful, so perfect in my entire life.
When it was over, he collapsed and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close.
“Amazing,” he whispered.
I agreed. As my sensed tumbled back down to earth, I realized that the sun had fully set. We had both missed dinner and a chill had settled in the air. I didn’t want to move, however. I felt too good to care if I froze to death on the rooftop. Jayden had filled me with too much warmth for me to feel cold, anyway.
&nb
sp; “They’re releasing me next week.” His whisper was so low that I almost didn’t hear him.
I untangled my arms from his body and stared. “What?”
“That was what I wanted to tell you earlier.” He placed his arm under his head and stared up at the stars. “I had a meeting this morning. Dr. Polanski doesn’t think there’s much more they can do for me here. They’re sending me to a group home next week.” He let out a half laugh. “It’s time for me to re-assimilate into society.”
“What about your volunteer obligation?”
He turned his head and met my gaze. “I did such great work with Howlistic Healers that they’re willing to let me continue working with animals outside the hospital.” He turned his head and stared up at the stars. “I have to do it under supervision, of course, but I get to choose the charity and have some control over the schedule. There might even be a job in it for me when the requirement is done.” He turned back to face me. “Unbelievable, eh?”
And just like that, my light went out. I disentangled myself from his arms, stood and began to dress.
“Lucy.” He straightened and reached for me, but I stepped out of his grasp. I didn’t want him touching me ever again.
I ignored him as I shoved on my clothes. How dare he make me open up, make me care? He knew he was going to leave. Was I just one last hurrah before he sailed off into the sunset?
“Lucy.” He grabbed my elbow and swung me around to face him. I avoided his gaze.
He hooked his finger under my chin and tilted my gaze up to meet his.
“Just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean this has to end.”
“Fuck you, Jayden.” He was leaving, just like everyone important in my life had left me. Kyle, Bethany, my parents…even Mia had managed to move on with her life.
Nobody cared about me. I was such a God-damned fool for opening my heart.
“I never want to see you again.” I jerked my arm out of his and jogged back to my room. Damn you for making me care, Jayden. Damn you.