by Ava Conway
That was why tonight was going to be so hard.
Iris and I had spent the day decorating the common area. We convinced Dr. Polanski to order pizza and had Elias bring in a small radio and some lighting. Flynn brought out the box of instruments and with the help of Martinez, cleared the room of most of the furniture. As soon as Martinez got out of Confinement, Flynn had given him his picture back. Evidently it had fallen behind his dresser. Ever since then, Nesto was much more friendly and approachable. It was good to see them talking again.
Everything looked perfect. All we needed was Jayden.
He arrived shortly after the party started to a lot of cheers and shouts. The music started and the lights went up. A popular band started singing something about how love was madness. People took to the dance floor and began gyrating to the beat. I smiled as I watched the other patients shed their inhibitions and let themselves go. It reminded me of one of the fraternity parties Kyle and I used to attend, but this was different. Here, we didn’t need alcohol or drugs. Here, we were all high on life.
I watched Jayden make his way across the room, first shaking Dr. Polanski’s hand and then giving Carter a hug. All the while, he was searching for something. I held myself still as he made his way around the outskirts of the make-shift dance floor.
When his gaze locked with mine, I pushed back my fears of tomorrow and living without him. If we only had one more night, then I wanted to make the most of it. He left Iris and made his way over to me. Each step he took raised this awareness between us. Tension built as he closed the distance. I tried to look casual, but I’m sure I failed miserably. Jayden looked as though he was going to consume me whole. I kind of liked it.
He stopped in front of me and held out his hand. I could see his lips move but couldn’t understand what he was saying over the loud music.
“What?” I asked.
He laughed and dragged me onto the dance floor. Our bodies crashed together and began to move to the techno beat of the music. I closed my eyes and slipped my arms up around his neck as he pulled me close. I felt his erection press up against my hip and bit back a groan. He locked his gaze with mine as he slipped his hands around my waist. The tension between us was palpable. As the world slipped away, we started moving our hips to the music. I had never felt so connected to anyone in my entire life as I did to Jayden in that moment.
Heat threaded through my body, and I felt light-headed. Jayden leaned in close and placed his lips close to my ear.
“Thank you.”
“You like the party?”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” He leaned back then, just far enough to press his lips against mine.
Desire beat through my body in time to the music. I tightened my grip around his neck, holding him close. He dragged me against his hips and tilted his head, deepening the kiss. By the time he pulled away, I was breathless.
“Pizza?”
I stumbled back as Carter popped up between us, holding a large slice of pepperoni. Jayden laughed and took it from him. “Thanks, buddy.”
We split the pizza and danced two more dances before Jayden was pulled away to talk to some of the other patients.
“Are you going to be there tomorrow morning?” Iris asked. “When he leaves?”
“I think so. It will depend if he wants me there.”
“Oh, he’ll want you there.” I noticed that she had once again curled her hands up into her sleeves.
“This must be hard for you,” I said as I waved my hand in the air. “With all of the people.”
“For you, I’ll manage.” She glanced at Martinez. “But you’re right. I think I’ve pushed enough for one night.” She inched away from me. “Tell Jayden I said goodbye, okay?”
“I will.” I moved to hug her, then remembered that Iris didn’t like touching. “I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Okay.”
As I watched Jayden move about the room, it struck me how much this night was like that night with Kyle and Bethany. Everything was going great, just like this. Then Kyle and I had gotten into that fight. He had stormed off to drink and I looked for Bethany for consolation. After two vodka punches, I had found her, kissing Kyle. It was then that I confronted them, grabbed Bethany’s keys out of her hand, and went to drive myself home.
The memories were more vivid this time, brighter than ever before. My chest started to constrict as I remembered flinging open the door to the car and sticking the keys into the ignition. Kyle grabbed my hand and tried to stop me as Bethany fell into the back seat…
Oh my God. I gasped as previous dark patches in my memory came back to me with astounding clarity. Holy hell.
Tears streamed down my face as I stumbled toward the exit of the common room. Why was it so hard to breathe in here? I had to get out, needed to find air.
Oh Kyle, how could you?
I braced myself on a nearby chair as I remembered Kyle pulling my hand from the steering wheel and pushing me over into the passenger seat.
It wasn’t my fault. Oh my God, it wasn’t my fault.
“Lucy, are you okay?”
I looked up to see Jayden staring down at me, concern etched in his features.
“It wasn’t my fault, Jayden,” I whispered. “None of it was my fault.”
“What wasn’t your fault?”
Dr. Polanski filled my vision. “Are you okay, honey?”
The tightness in my chest eased and for the first time in a long time, it felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
“Yes,” I said. “I think I just need to get some rest.”
“Do you want some medication?”
“I…” I shook my head. “No. I’m fine. I just need some sleep, that’s all. It’s been a long day.”
Dr. Polanski stared at me for a minute before answering. “Okay. Just ring a nurse if you need anything.”
“I will.” I let Jayden lead me from the common area and back down the hall to my room. I didn’t need to lean on him for support, but he wanted to help, and his arm felt good wrapped around my waist.
“What happened?” he asked after a moment.
“I remember.”
“Remember what?” He stopped walking and looked at me.
“I remember what happened that night.” I pulled out of his arms and leaned against a nearby wall. “It wasn’t my fault.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” He leaned in close. I loved how his body felt against mine. So warm and unyielding. He made me feel safe.
I smiled up at him. “No, I mean, it really wasn’t my fault. Remember how Kyle put his hand on the steering wheel and then everything got fuzzy?”
“Yeah…” His expression seemed worried, but I was in too much of a rush to get it all out.
“Originally, I thought he had climbed in the back, but he didn’t. In fact, I’m not sure why I thought that, because it doesn’t make much sense.”
“Lucy…”
“Don’t you see? Kyle pushed me into the passenger seat and took the wheel. I hit my head on the door, but somehow managed to not black out. I think that’s part of the reason why everything was fuzzy. You understand what this means? I wasn’t driving that night.” I shook my head as everything came back in sick, agonizing detail. Although this time, the large hollow hole didn’t fill my chest. Instead I felt sad acceptance.
“He pushed me into the passenger seat and took the wheel. Bethany started screaming.” I shook my head. “Kyle was always a daredevil. He thought he was invincible.”
“What happened next?” Jayden’s voice was deathly quiet.
“He started driving. I was crying. Bethany was yelling at Kyle to pull the car over, that he was too drunk to drive. I kept begging him to stop. He told me that it was my fault he was kissing Bethany. I started the fight and drove him into Bethany’s arms.” I reached up and touched Jayden’s scar. “His words must have stuck in my head. I blamed myself, but I wasn’t driving.”
; “How did the car crash?”
I closed my eyes. This was the hardest part to tell, but Jayden needed to hear it. He had trusted me with his past, it was time for me to trust him with mine.
“He put his hand on my knee and said that he’d forgive me if I gave him a blow job.” I opened my eyes to see the horror on Jayden’s face.
“He what? While he was driving?”
“Like I said, Kyle was a daredevil. He was also drunk, and when he was drunk, he thought he was invincible.”
“Did you do it?”
“No, but…he tried to make me. Grabbed the top of my head. I-I hit him. I just wanted him to get away from me. I wasn’t thinking…” I took a deep breath. “That was when he swerved into oncoming traffic.”
“The bastard,” Jayden mumbled.
“It was my fault for hitting him, yes, but he was driving.”
“It wasn’t your fault for hitting him, Lucy.” He bent over and kissed my forehead. “Part of me wishes he survived that crash just so I could hit him again.”
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of his lips against my head. “The car flipped when we hit oncoming traffic…None of us were wearing seatbelts. Kyle was ejected from the car and somehow I ended up on the driver’s side.” I choked back a sob.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmured as he pulled away.
“It’s not your fault.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
“No. I wish I was there, though. I could have saved you so much pain.”
Tears filled my eyes as I pressed my lips against his. “You’re here now though,” I said once I pulled away. “It’s enough.”
“Is it? I’ll be gone tomorrow—”
“Shh,” I said. “You’re here now, and that’s enough.” I glanced over his shoulder at the supply closet.
“Lucy, I wish I could take you with me.”
“Shh—” I was determined not to be sad about this. I only had one more night with Jayden, and I wanted to make it last. I ducked under his arm, took his hand and led him to the supply closet. “Come on, let’s watch the sunrise.”
“We can’t—it’s not allowed.”
I raised my brows. “Oh, so now you follow the rules?”
“This is different. I don’t want to make life more difficult for you when I’m gone.”
“Let me worry about me, okay?” I pulled on his hand, but he resisted.
“You’ll get in trouble,” he said.
“You’re worth it.”
He smiled and let me lead him to the supply closet. It took only moments for us to slip on the scrubs over our clothes and climb up to the roof.
“I’m going to miss coming up on the roof,” Jayden said as he led me over to the railing. “It was my sanctuary, you know?”
“You’ll find something else to help ease your mind, I’m sure.” I snaked my arms around his middle and rested my head against his back. “Besides, you won’t be away forever. When you come back and visit…” My voice hitched as emotion swelled up inside of me. He was leaving in the morning. It still didn’t seem real.
“Yeah.” He turned his body, wrapped his arm around me and dragged me close. “About that. I don’t know how often I’ll be able to visit—”
“Shh.” I put my finger to his lips and shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not tonight.”
“No, not tonight.” He bent over and brushed his lips against mine. The kiss started gentle but quickly turned urgent and hungry. If this was going to be our last night together, I wanted to spend every moment I could in his arms.
“I need you, Jayden,” I said as I tore my lips away and gasped for air.
“I need you, too.” He rained kisses along my jaw and neck. Urgency tightened my chest and suddenly I couldn’t get enough of him. I tore at his clothes, desperate for the feel of skin on skin. He lifted his head and captured my lips once more. Tears stung my eyes, and I squeezed them shut against the building desire.
“Lucy,” Jayden lifted my clothes over my head and then began working on my bra. I gasped as he took my hardened nipple into his mouth. He sucked and flicked, using his tongue to fuel my need.
When he finished with one breast, he moved to the other. I opened my eyes and threaded my fingers through his hair as he teased and stroked my sensitive tip. I curled my fingers into his head as he fumbled with the tie on his scrubs. I felt the constricting clothes loosen around my waist.
Suddenly he stood and slipped his fingers under the elastic of my pants. With a quick, smooth motion, he removed the rest of my clothes.
“Beautiful,” he whispered as he took a step back and let his gaze roam over my body.
“Your turn.” I held out my hands. Jayden smiled and stepped into my embrace. He kissed me hard as I helped him remove the rest of his clothes.
I moaned as flesh touched flesh. He laid me down on the clothes and covered my body with his. It was amazing how safe he made me feel and how well our bodies fit together. We were made for each other, and it was going to break my heart to watch him go.
Don’t think about it. I grabbed the back of his head and held him close as I brushed my tongue against his. With each passing moment, desperation grew. I needed to feel him inside of me, needed to feel connected to him in every way possible.
I spread my legs, allowing him closer. Jayden slipped between my thighs and groaned as his erection rubbed up against my entrance. I wrapped my legs around him as he adjusted himself. Within moments his swollen erection rubbed up against my core.
He broke the kiss on a gasp. Silence descended around us as he stared in my eyes. The only thing I heard was our heavy breathing and the thudding of my heart against my ribcage.
“Is something wrong?” I finally asked.
“No.” He smiled. “Not at all. I just want to remember this moment. How you look, how you feel.”
A stubborn tear slid down my cheek. I wiped it away. “Hey – it’s not like we’ll never see each other again.”
“No, of course not. It’s just—” His words dissolved into a groan as he slid himself home.
I arched my back, accepting everything he was willing to give. He kissed me again, and our bodies started moving as one. Again and again he pushed himself inside of me, until the world around us faded away. All that existed for me was Jayden and how wonderful he made me feel. Pressure built in my lower abdomen, and I moaned as he plunged deeper and deeper into my body.
“God, Lucy,” He pushed himself up on his arms and thrust harder, faster.
I clawed at his back, his arms, his shoulders. I wanted more from him, everything he had. I could feel the urgency building within me. I was close, so close.
He shifted his arms and on the next thrust, touched an extra-sensitive spot deep inside my core. Joy exploded through my body as I cried out his name. Wave after wave of pleasure crashed through me, numbing my body in ecstasy.
Jayden’s whole body stiffened. His thrusts became harder, faster. I heard him cry out, felt him release inside of me. For one brief, glorious moment, we were connected. We were one.
For the rest of the night we laid in each other’s arms, sharing our minds and our bodies with each other. When it got chilly, he covered me with his clothes and offered me his body heat. He was so sweet and sensitive in the way he took care of me. I was going to miss it.
“I have to go,” he finally said as the sun peeked over the horizon.
“I know.” I traced his tattoo with my finger.
“Does it bother you?” he asked.
I thought about it for a moment. “No. The tattoo is a part of your past and who you are. It’s a good tribute to your sister.”
He pulled me tight against him and kissed the top of my head. “I love you, Lucy.”
“I love you, too.”
We got dressed slowly, lethargically, as if the weight of the world was on our shoulders. Then I was in his arms once more, and the unthinkable was happening. I was saying goodbye to someone I loved. Again.
“I know.” Tears filled my eyes. I blinked them back. “I’m counting on it.”
“And if I’m able, I’ll be here when you get out. I promise.”
“Okay.” I took in a ragged breath.
We walked back in silence and disposed of the scrubs. I watched Jayden head back to his room to pack and my heart felt heavy. I knew that he said he’d visit me, and that he’d always be there for me, but I also knew that he was still haunted by the demons of his past. Good intentions could be overshadowed with reality. Jayden needed me as much as I needed him. It was entirely possible that he’d relapse and be placed in another hospital, or not survive until I could make myself well.
I knew that I couldn’t dwell on the negative. I had my own recovery to think about. If Jayden and I ever stood a chance, then I had to focus on making myself well enough to walk out of this place.
I steeled my jaw as I turned my back on Jayden and walked back to my room. On the way I passed Flynn and Martinez, walking to the common area. They nodded to me as I passed, both looking as solemn as I felt.
I then passed the meditation room, where Rose was giving another Tai Chi lesson. Carter stood in the front row, watching her every move with an intensity I had never seen on him before.
I flicked open the bathroom door for Iris as I passed and smiled at the relief in her eyes.
Jayden might be leaving, but that didn’t mean that I’d be alone in my recovery. Far from it. With a little luck, I could beat this thing. Then perhaps one day, I could walk out of this place with my head held high and into Jayden’s arms.
Until then, I had a lot of work to do.
Epilogue
Six Months Later
I hugged my duffle bag to my chest as I walked down the halls of Newton Heights Psychiatric Hospital for the last time. Iris walked next to me, still wearing those worn bunny slippers she had when I first met her. I wondered what would happen to her now that I was leaving. In fact, I worried about all of the patients I’d be leaving behind. I knew that their journey to healing wasn’t my responsibility, however. Each one of them had to forge their own path back into society on their own. No one could do it for them. Not even me.