by Kira Adams
Finn grew up much quicker than Keifer, and grew out of that stage. Keifer just kept going and becoming more of a household name. Some of his videos have over fifteen million views. I just don’t get it.
Making my way to the front row, I take my seat next to Grace and Caydence. My heart is beating loudly in my chest and I watch silently as people continue to pour into the room.
The Funeral Director leads with a prayer and then a few, small sentences about who Easten and Finn were at the final stage of their lives. When it’s my turn to speak, I feel paralyzed with an overwhelming sadness. I’ve never been a good public speaker, but I don’t have a choice.
My legs feel wobbly as I make my way to the podium, in front of all the people who loved Finn and Easten. I have my speech written, but I know there is no way I will be able to focus. I drop the stack of flash cards to the ground and it echoes throughout the room. Everyone is staring at me with sympathy or empathy, maybe both, waiting for me to breakdown. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and cry until there are no tears left, but I need to stay strong.
“I wasn’t sure if I would be able to get up here and say something, but I knew if I didn’t I would regret it for the rest of my life.” I take a shaky intake of breath before continuing. “You know, everyone has been asking me the same thing, ‘How are you holding up? How are you doing?’ I wish I could tell you I’m doing better, but that would be a lie. I don’t want to lie to you, I want to be honest with you. So here is where my story begins…”
Glancing around, I make sure everyone’s undivided attention is on me, before moving on. “You know, no one can prepare you for the moment you find out you’ve lost everything. I can still remember just the way my heart raced, and how time felt like it stood still. Finn and I were together for so long, we were basically extensions of one another. Another piece of the same person. We went through puberty together, we traveled the world together, and we even started our own beautiful family together. Easten was the best parts of both of us. She had his eyes and dimples, and a spunk all her own. She had my nose and thick hair. Together, we were a happy family. An ordinary, beautiful unit.”
Pausing, I take a moment to let my words sink in. There are tears, lots of them, some even from my own eyes. It’s become second nature to me these days, I don’t even realize I’m crying half the time. “No one can prepare you for this moment. I never dreamt I’d be a widow at the ripe old age of thirty-one. I never dreamt that in one day I would lose my husband, my daughter, and the baby we didn’t even know existed. Easten and Finn lit up my entire world, and now that they are gone, I need to find the light again. So, Finn, this one’s for you–I’m taking the next few months and I’m traveling, guided by your words.” A tear slips down my cheek. “You always told me to stop watching life pass me by, so I’m going.” I feel physically spent, and step down much earlier than I planned to. I missed all the key points I had written on my flash cards, but I did speak from the heart.
Without missing a beat, I hear the piano and the beautiful sound of Caydence belting out Arms of an Angel, by Sarah McLachlan. I’m saved by the music.
The funeral was devastating and soul shattering, yet beautiful, and everything they could have ever wanted. Keifer was surprisingly on his best behavior.
After it ended, we took some of their ashes and scattered them in the Duwamish River. It was difficult, but deserved.
Now we are all piled into Grace’s, where there are endless amounts of food and family. Although the tears are scarce, this is not a joyous occasion for any of us.
“Would you like me to dish you up anything?” my mother asks, her brows furrowed with concern.
“I’m not hungry,” I reply with a shrug.
“Tobin, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re a skeleton. When was the last time you ate a full meal?” She has every right to be concerned, but I can’t deal with her being upset over this. Eating is the last thing I care to do, these days.
“Let me get you some fruit,” she says, with a quiet clap of her hands. I don’t bother trying to dissuade her. I’ve been her personal mission, even though she and my stepfather no longer live in Seattle. She calls me every morning like clockwork, to make sure I’m getting out of bed.
“She means well,” Troy says, with a sad smile. He’s the best thing that’s happened to my mother since my parents’ divorce. He’s only been around for five short years, but he’s more involved than my biological father, who I haven’t seen in close to three years.
I catch a glimpse of Grace’s front door opening, and in walks Keifer. He is followed by a group of people that appear to be his entourage. He has a slinky-looking lady attached to his hip, and he begins greeting all the family he encounters. Luckily there are no cameras following him, but it’s still a bit insensitive bringing so many people here who didn’t know Finn and Easten, personally.
“Should we play some videos?” Troy asks and everyone nods in agreement. I know what is about to happen, I’ve been anticipating it all week. I just wasn’t sure how I was going to react until this very moment. I feel wrecked.
Before thinking, my eyes are scoping out an exit—the quickest way out of here before my heart breaks into even tinier slivers. The tears are stinging the backs of my eyes. Rushing toward the kitchen, I beeline it for the sliding glass door and end up on the porch, outside.
Grace’s porch is one of my favorite spots to be. With cute plants and a swing, it feels like home. Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply. It feels good to be outside and at one with nature.
The sliding door creaks open, but I keep my eyes closed. I’m taking this moment for me. The sounds of whispers and shuffling of feet pass by me and it isn’t until I hear the smacking and metal clinking that my eyes fly open. Searching for the culprit of the noise, my eyes land on Keifer and his lady-friend getting hot and heavy by the fence. My temperature rises a few degrees. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist some kind of stunt today. He has no respect at all.
“Hey, asshole!” I bark at him, heading toward the pair. They pull away from one another, staring back at me, confused. They sure are classy.
“Do you know what this is? This is a memorial that followed a funeral for my husband and daughter. If you two can’t keep it in your pants when you’re in public, then you need to leave.” I’m huffing by the end, consumed by my rage.
Keifer steps away from the girl with his hands in the air. “Whoa, whoa, whoa…we’re just friends.”
Is he delusional? “Just friends? I saw your tongue halfway down her throat, from over there.”
The girl smacks him across the shoulder.
“Ow! What was that for?” he whines.
“You said we were best friends!” she replies, like the lunatic she is.
“Get out,” I say, calmly.
Keifer’s eyes lock on mine. “He was my cousin, and I hate to break it to ya, but this isn’t your house.”
“He was my husband. I was with him for fifteen years. And Grace? She’ll understand because you’re being disrespectful.” Crossing my arms against my chest, I try to appear tall.
Instead, Keifer just laughs in my face. “You’re wrong. She’s my aunt, my family. We don’t turn on each other.”
Now I remember why Finn stayed away from Keifer for all those years.
He knows he’s won from the satisfaction in his stare, but I can’t leave without getting the last jab.
“Didn’t you ever wonder why he stopped returning your calls, texting you back? You, your whole rouse was too much for him. He wanted a normal life apart from all the crazy. He wanted me and Easten.” I can tell I’ve struck a nerve. The playfulness in his eyes fades and instead they grow darker, appearing almost black.
“Come on, Cheyenne, let’s get out of here. The food tastes like shit and the company’s not any better.” They push past me without saying another word.
God, Finn, I wish you were here.
Before – Four Years Together
/> “Stop, before you say something you’ll regret,” Finn warns me, with a gentle look on his face. His words are unforgiving, but he’s letting me know that he’s doing this for my own good. God damn it. Why is he so perfect?
Stumbling away from him, I continue to walk toward the harsh winds. “Where are you going?” I can hear him behind me, but I don’t bother looking back. “The dorms are the other way, dork.”
Stopping in my tracks, I whip around. “Why did you do it?” The tears are already streaming down my cheeks.
“Baby,” he calls, reaching out for me. “I promise, I didn’t do anything with her. You’re not listening to me. I thought you trusted me.”
“I do,” I say quietly.
“Well, you sure aren’t acting like it.” He tucks my hair behind my ear. “I thought I was doing the right thing by telling you, but now I’m thinking I should have just kept it to myself.”
“You think you should have lied to me?” I cry out, backing away from him.
“Not lied, but maybe just not said anything. Seriously. I thought the communication was going to be good for us, not tear us apart.” He looks defeated. I don’t know what to say to ease either of our minds.
“Did you kiss her back?” A lone tear escapes my eye.
He shakes his head, cupping my chin with his hand. “We already talked about this. No. I pulled away and told her I have a girlfriend. I would never do anything to hurt you. You should know that by now.”
I knew when Brad and Tyler wanted to take Finn to a frat party, nothing good would come of it…but I never thought Finn would kiss anyone else. He keeps saying she kissed him, and maybe she did…but it’s the worst feeling in the world.
“Come on,” he murmurs, pulling me into him. “I love you. You know me. You know I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I’d be stupid to.”
I release a deep sigh of relief. “You’re my rock.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers in my ear, before kissing the tip of it. “I still feel the same way about you as I did the first time we met.”
I pull away slightly. “And how is that?”
“You give me endless butterflies and goosebumps.” He kisses my neck gently, teasing me. “How do I make you feel?”
Blinking slowly, I stare back at him with utter adoration. “Everything. You make me feel everything.” He’s right. I’m silly to be doubting him. I’m a lucky girl.
The Best Things in Life Aren’t Things
It’s been three weeks since the funeral and people are beginning to move on with their lives. The phone calls have thinned out and the attention and focus on my well-being has waned.
I’m still in the process of getting everything packed up, donated, or sold so I can move. Being in the house I lived in with my family and not seeing them here every day has been heart wrenching. I haven’t been able to sleep in my own bedroom since the accident. Instead, I’ve been sleeping in the guestroom. My mother is trying to get me to move closer to her, by moving to Oregon, but I want to make the decision for me. Less than two months ago my world was flipped upside down and everything I thought my life would be, can’t be any more.
The most surprising thing that happened this past week was the unexpected phone call I got from Keifer. He wanted to know if he could come by to pick something out of Finn’s. I don’t plan on keeping most of his belongings, so of course I agreed.
He’s alone when he knocks on my door. I’m nervous about seeing him after our last encounter. When we talked on the phone he acted like it never happened.
“Hey,” he says gruffly. He’s wearing all black, complete with a leather jacket.
“Hi.” I scoot over to allow him access inside.
He sounds cold, as if he still holds what happened at Grace’s against me. “I’m surprised you called…” I trail off. Better to nip it in the bud while I can.
He glares back at me. “Of course I called. You’re the only one who has anything of his, nowadays.”
Taking a deep breath, I remind myself that everyone deals with grief differently.
“Well?” he presses, impatiently.
Walking out of the living room, I stare back at him. “Are you coming?”
I lead him to Easten’s room, where I’ve been storing both of their belongings for the family to sift through, before donating.
His eyes dance around the pink and purple Care Bear covered walls and then land on the messy bed which hasn’t been touched since that day. He stares at it silently for a few moments, before looking back at me. “I’d prefer to do this alone if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, yeah, sure.” Backing out of the room, I pull the door closed behind me.
I head for the kitchen, deciding I can use a cup of tea. Maybe it will calm the storm in my stomach. I opt for mint tea and then take a seat at the kitchen table to wait.
It’s an hour later when he finally emerges clutching a Yankees jersey and a wild looking tie.
“Is that it?” I ask simply, surprised.
He nods his head slightly without looking me in the eyes.
“Look, I’m sorry about what I said the other day. I had no right…”
He finally catches my stare with his own. “No, you didn’t.”
“I don’t know much about you other than hearsay from your family, but it was wrong of me to downplay your relationship with Finn. I’m admitting my mistake.” He breaks our stare and begins making his way to the front door.
“Well, in any case, it was nice to finally meet you.” I’m not sure I believe my words, but I try to end it on a positive note.
He stops in his tracks and turns back around to face me. “I’m sure we’re going to have to see a lot more of each other than we would care to, with all the upcoming family dinners.”
“I figured you’d be long gone now and onto the next.”
He shrugs. “Actually, I’ve decided to stick around.”
“Oh, really?” My eyebrows raise, surprised.
“Yeah. I guess you’re just going to have to get used to me.”
Easier said than done.
“Have you met him yet?” Torrie asks, her eyes wide with amazement.
I nod my head begrudgingly.
“Oh. My. God!”
“It’s really not that big of a deal.” I shrug as we continue our hike. She stares back at me like I have two heads.
“Not a big deal? Do you even know how much he is worth?” She’s basically salivating at the mouth. “He’s like the ‘IT’ guy this year.”
“He’s really not that special. I think he’s kind of a jackass.”
She gasps, throwing her hand over her mouth. “I knew it. The more famous they get, the bigger their heads.”
I laugh. “How would Doug feel if he knew you were this invested?”
She shoots me the death glare. The one that says ‘if you mention anything to him about this, I’ll kill you.’ It’s a superpower she has.
I break out into a fit of giggles. Torrie stares back at me in wonder and amazement.
“What? What did I do?” Immediately I look at my feet to see if I stepped in dog poop. There isn’t any on the trail around me so I shift my eyes back up to meet hers.
“I haven’t heard you laugh in so long. I love your laugh,” she says, misty-eyed.
“Oh, come on. Don’t get emotional with me.”
She pulls me into her side, squeezing. “I’m serious. I’ve been really worried about you.”
I nod. “I know. Thank you for everything. I don’t know what I would have done without you guys. This whole experience is unlike anything I have ever been through.”
She scoffs. “There is no instruction manual on how to handle grief.”
I chuckle. “I’m pretty sure there are tons.”
“Okay, fine, then let me rephrase. There aren’t any instruction manuals that would be correct on how to handle grief because every person is different and how they process bad news is unique.”
“Oh, whatever!” She jogs off ahead of me.
I think the process that I’ve been going through after the tragedy has been tougher than most. I lived. I walked away with my life. The minute I woke up in the hospital alone, I screamed out, asking why I lived, why they didn’t. It took two nurses and my mother to hold me down. They had to sedate me. The pain was too much to take in all at once. It still is, most days.
“Are you coming?” Torrie shouts from further up the trail.
“Yeah.” Pushing the sad memories down, I jog to meet my sister.
Before – Five Years Together
“Brad thinks I’m pussy-whipped.” Finn chuckles, his gray-blue eyes twinkling.
“And what do you think?”
“I think he’s right…” he trails off, as I smash my lips against his. We’ve been together for five years and our entire college experience, so far.
“Do you regret it?”
“What? Waiting to have sex? Are you crazy? Of course! If I knew it was going to be that good, I would have done it a long, long time ago.”
I raise my eyebrows at him, pushing him away. “Oh, really? With who?”
He laughs, pulling me back down to his chest. “Well, obviously I’d wait until you were ready.”
Pressing my lips against his again, I soak it up. Every. Single. Moment.
“I wish I didn’t have class today,” he groans.
I kiss his collarbone and then up his neck. “Play hooky with me,” I whisper, my breath tickling his skin. He squirms, his body wanting to give in.
“Babe, you ask me this every single day. And has my answer ever differed?”
I sigh, frustrated. “No.”
“If you want me to be able to support you and possibly a family, I can’t be missing classes.” He kisses me on the top of my head.