by Kira Adams
When Keifer suggested the simple idea of hopping on a plane to New York, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The idea seemed crazy to me, but he was persuasive. The excitement of the unknown is what made me agree. I’ve been wound up too tight the last few months. It was time to take a risk just for the hell of it. So, I did it.
“You okay?” he asks, with a grin, his eyes fixated on my white knuckles gripping the seat handle.
Staring back at him, there is real fear in my eyes. “I haven’t been on a plane in over ten years. I forgot how scary it is.”
He looks surprised by my confession. “You and Finn didn’t travel?”
“A little, but more so before Easten was born. It was a little hard to juggle, after.”
He nods. “I get it. Well, just think, we only have five hours left.”
I hit him playfully, but only with one of my hands, the other still has a death grip on the handle.
“Hey, I’m just saying. If this is too much, how do you expect to deal with the flight to Thailand? That’s no joke.”
Anxiety and nerves begin to swirl inside my stomach. “I hadn’t thought of it. I guess I can just take a bunch of Nyquil and then down a few glasses of alcohol to knock myself out.”
“Okay, now you just sound like you have a problem.”
I smack him again for good measure, but I’m smiling. His job at distracting me is working, whether he realizes it or not.
His expression grows solemn and I distance myself, scared of what is going to come out of his mouth. “Do you think you could tell me about her? About Easten?”
I’m taken aback by his request. I know from the stories I’ve been told that Keifer and Finn were close when they were younger, but he never tried to meet Easten before. I wonder why it is important to him now.
“She was just like Finn, magnetic in all the right ways. She had a thirst for life and was a total daddy’s girl. When everything happened, she was just learning to play soccer. She was also learning to play the clarinet. Everything was funny to her and if she wasn’t smiling you knew there was a problem. Easten was everything good there was in the world, and when she was gone it became difficult to find that again. I’m still looking for it.” The tears streaming down my face have become second nature to me, but I wipe them quickly so as to not disrupt any of the other passengers.
He takes a deep breath, as if he’s breathing my words into his lungs. “What else? Was she a girly-girl or a tomboy? Dresses or jeans? What was her favorite song?”
I love talking about Easten. I could talk about her all day. But it’s a catch-22. As much as I love it, it’s painful to remember. “She was kind of a mix of both, more preppy I guess you would say, when it came to her style. A lot of corduroys. Her favorite song was My Girl by the Temptations because it was her father’s song for her.”
Keifer smiles a small smile, then exhales, staring off.
“You okay?” I ask.
He nods, but I swear a tear escape his eye. He wipes it when he thinks I’m not looking and then we fall silent. Glancing back at my knuckles, I notice they are not white any longer. Goosebumps are not covering my arms. “Thank you,” I whisper under my breath as I hunker down in my seat and close my eyes.
“For what?” he questions in a similar tone.
Keeping my eyes closed, I answer, “For helping take my mind off my anxiety.”
“It’s nothing, really.”
“You know, both Easten and Finn donated organs so others could live.”
Keifer’s eyes widen. “I didn’t know that. Have you met the recipients?”
I shake my head no. “The doctors said they are working on getting me their names. Probably once they have healed.”
Keifer stares back at me like I’m a fragile piece of glass. “That would be such a powerful thing.”
I nod. “Yeah, you don’t have to tell me that. There hasn’t been a day that’s passed that I haven’t thought about when I will meet the person with Finn’s heart in their chest or Easten’s eyes staring back at me.”
He looks surprised that I’ve been so open and honest. “Wow.”
Silence falls upon the air as we lose ourselves in the smooth ride.
When we finally arrive to his house in New York, it’s a lot more underwhelming than I thought. I guess I was expecting some mansion or something because of all of the hype surrounding his name. Instead, he has a quaint little cottage in Manhattan. It’s only two bedrooms and two baths, but it’s probably a hefty price tag.
He takes no time locating the endless amounts of cards he has held onto over the years, packing them up, and then we are ready to get back into the car to head to the airport. Going through TSA and being on a plane again after our long day does not appeal to me. “I know this might not be what you had in mind, but is there any way we might be able to stay here tonight and then get a flight out tomorrow morning? I’m just kind of pooped.”
Keifer grins, dropping the heavy bag of cards. “No worries. If you’re tired, you can totally take the guest bedroom.”
I shrug. “Not that kind of tired. I just don’t feel like being on a plane for another six hours, today, if we can avoid it.
He chuckles. “Thailand is going to be hell for you.”
“Correction–getting to Thailand is going to be hell for me. Once I’m there, it’ll all work out.”
“So, if you don’t want to go to bed, what are you proposing we do?” I’m not sure why he feels the need to have something planned, but I’ll humor him.
“I don’t know. When do you work? Don’t you need to film something for your channel soon?”
His eyes widen with a twinkle. “I work whenever I want to work. Are you saying you want to see me in action?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I even understand what it is you do.”
Keifer pulls out his phone and quickly maneuvers it to YouTube. He clicks on a video that has over 400,000 views. The title of the video is 180 to Nose Break. I glance at him questioningly and then he presses the play button. It’s a teenager rollerblading off the roof of a school and slamming his face into the pavement. Blood gushes everywhere as he begins to scream, and his buddies descend on him. The cameraman continues to film as the teenager picks his head off the ground, slightly, to catch some of the blood in his hands.
“What is this?” I ask curiously as the short clip ends.
“It’s me, from when I was in high school. It’s what started it all for me.”
My head swivels back and forth between the homemade video and Keifer.
“When the video reached 50,000 views, I knew I was onto something. After researching how to monetize on YouTube it just kept growing. I was young and stupid when the video was made, but knew I hit lightning.” He shifts his body toward mine. “I knew that I needed to go big or go home. Which meant bigger stunts in crazier places…and the rest is history.”
“So, let me get this straight. You are in high school and decide you want to roller blade off the roof of a building?”
He opens his fridge, pulls out two water bottles and then tosses one to me. “It was a dare.”
“Okay, so you were dared to roller blade off the roof of a building, and you decided that sounded like a good idea, so you went through with it only to end up with a broken nose in the end. Your friends filmed your antics and you saw how popular it could be, so you thought what other bones can I break?” I stick a tongue out at him, playfully.
“Basically.” He shrugs. “But, seriously. It’s what I live for now…the adrenaline is like a drug.”
I nod, taking a sip off my water. “I can imagine. Have you ever been recognized in public?”
He chuckles, rubbing his beard. Pulling out one of his dining room chairs, he plops down onto it. “Yeah, a couple of times. Oddly enough, it’s been when I’m out of town. One time this kid in Japan knew exactly who I was. He couldn’t speak English, of course, but he was able to pull up my YouTube channel really quick.”
I follow suit by taking a seat across from him. “What happened?”
“It was at this place called ‘The Aogashima Island’. It’s an active volcano site with a massive waterfall. I was jumping off it when an islander showed up out of nowhere. He invited us all over for dinner after we got the footage we needed, and his mother made us Sukiyaki and Yaki Onigiri.”
Staring back at him like he has two heads, I shake mine. “You are basically speaking gibberish to me. I don’t know what either of those things are. The only Japanese food I’ve ever had is sushi.”
He smirks, taking another drink of his water. “You need to experience more.”
“You’re telling me,” I mutter under my breath.
Something changes in the way Keifer is looking at me now, and it’s making me uncomfortable. “What?”
His eyes haven’t left me for a second, but they seem softer now. “Can I ask you something?”
I nod, worried about the next words out of his mouth.
“Before, when I walked in on you in Easten’s room on the phone…you were talking to Finn, right?”
My stomach drops. I thought we were past this as he hadn’t brought it up since it happened. Unfortunately, I’m not a liar, so I simply nod.
“How? What?” He looks shocked.
“After…everything…I couldn’t force myself to deactivate his phone number. It was one of the only ways for me to still be able to hear his voice. So, whenever I had a tough day, I would just call and talk to him. Even if he didn’t talk back to me, it still made me feel close to him for those few seconds.”
He is staring back at me with sympathetic eyes, but a look of confusion too. “You’re referring to it in past tense. When was the last time you called?”
I’m still uncomfortable speaking to him about this, but I figure we are at a point of no return now. “I haven’t called since that day. I had the phone company deactivate his line.”
“I know it may not seem like it, but you did the right thing. Finn would never want that for you.”
I don’t know why, but his words hit me in the gut and I let out a strangled cry. Embarrassed, I shift my body away from him as tears brim my bottom eyelids. I never wanted this. All I ever wanted was Finn and Easten. Now I don’t have either.
Before – Fourteen Years Together
“That’s it, I’m taking her in,” I announce, before picking up Easten and putting her on the ground. “Go get your jacket and shoes, baby.”
She nods, sniffling, and then wobbles unsteadily to her room. I stare at Finn. “What? Do you think I’m overreacting?”
A small smile plays on the corner of his lips. “I didn’t even say anything.”
“That’s the point!” I exclaim, throwing my hands up in frustration. “You just stand there staring at me.”
“And that’s a crime because?” His tone is becoming more sarcastic by the minute.
“Oh my God, Finn, come on!”
“Damn. You’re hormonal. Are you sure you’re not pregnant?” He’s joking, but deep down, we both know he’s not.
My anxiety begins to rise as I think about the obstacle of another baby on top of the sick one we already have, and our two full-time careers.
“Look at me,” Finn instructs, grabbing my hands and commanding my attention. “Everything is going to be okay, Tobin. We are okay. We are better than okay. We have a beautiful family, and things happen. Nothing we can’t power through. Remember that you are the strength and the light.” He pauses collecting his thoughts. “And if, on the off-chance you are pregnant, we will handle it together. What’s another baby?”
I pull my hands away, anxiety building up inside my body. “What’s another baby?” I exclaim frantically.
Finn stifles a laugh and then rubs my back soothingly. “Okay, okay, wrong thing to say. But babe, we can do anything as long as we are together. Don’t forget that.”
Easten’s small footsteps tread back into the room and she is ready to go. I glance at Finn and then back at our daughter. Maybe he’s right. Maybe it isn’t all so bad.
Great Things Never Come from Comfort Zones
We stayed up into the wee hours of the morning playing game after game of Magic Cards. Turns out we both forgot how addicting it can be. But now we are exhausted, and I am ready to get back home and into a comfy bed. “Did you check the flights?”
Keifer looks back at me amused, through tired eyes. Instead of bothering to answer, he simply shakes his head slowly.
“Okay…” I trail off, grabbing my phone. “I can do it.”
He laughs. “I can’t remember the last time I booked a flight ahead of time. Normally, I just do it at the counter.”
“Seriously?” I scoff. “You’re probably spending a bunch of extra money doing that.”
He shakes his head. “That’s the fun in it. Every time I go to the airport, I choose a new destination. Sometimes it’s a place I’ve been before, but a lot of the times it’s unchartered territory for me.”
I can’t even pretend to know how that feels to be able to simply get up and go wherever, whenever.
“Come on.” Keifer stares me down. “If you could go anywhere in the world, money aside, where would you go and why?”
“Easy,” I quip back. “Thailand. I’m going.”
“Humor me. Where else?”
Thinking on it for a few seconds, it doesn’t take long to rattle off my next dream vacation location. “Costa Rica.”
His lips curl up in a mischievous smile.
“What?” I ask.
He scratches his head and appears to be working through something in his mind. “Let’s go.”
“What?”
He laughs, rubbing his face uncomfortably. “Let’s go to Costa Rica.”
“Oh-okay,” I say in a sarcastic tone.
“I’m serious,” he replies deadpanned.
“Right now? I don’t have any clothes. Plus, I leave for Thailand in three weeks. I don’t have any time or money to go anywhere else for a while.”
Keifer looks amused and it’s kind of annoying. The fact that he thinks it’s normal to be able to simply get up and go whenever he feels like it, frustrates me. He’s not normal.
“Oh, come on, Tobin. Live a little.”
I can’t help but gawk at him. “I think I’ve lived enough in the last twenty-four hours, thank you very much.” I’m not even lying. This little adventure is so far from anything I’ve ever done before.
“Don’t you want to be able to zipline in the Costa Rican rainforest or visit a black sand beach?” He’s good, I’ll give him that.
Unfortunately for him, I’m not in the mood to entertain his crazy ideas any longer. Right now, sleep calls. “I found a flight out at noon, I’m booking it now. Do you want me to get you a ticket on the same flight?”
He looks disappointed, shaking his head. “No. I think I’m going to just roll the dice with this one.”
I shrug. “Suit yourself. I need to get going, though, if I want to grab a bite to eat before hitting the airport.”
“I know just the place.” And just like that, it’s forgotten that I’m not a jet setter like him.
I’m only days away from Thailand now and more worried than ever that I am going to forget something. I’ve never really traveled abroad alone before, and without knowing an actual return date, it’s left me a little nervous.
I haven’t heard from Keifer in over a week, last I heard he made the trip to Costa Rica without me. I’ve been living through his Snapchat and Instagram feed like all his other followers. Torrie asked me if I regretted not going with him, but I don’t. It’s only been four short months since I lost my baby and my husband. There isn’t a second of the day that I don’t think about them, miss them. There isn’t a second of the day I feel whole.
Most people would look at Thailand as a vacation. It’s an escape for me. I lost everything I ever had, and need to figure out how to move on as a severed version of myself. I’m running away to figure i
t out. I’m running away to find me again.
Being around Keifer makes me feel guilty. Those brooding eyes? Sometimes it feels like they see straight through to my soul. I’m sure he can look at women and their panties drop. It isn’t right to feel this way about my husband’s cousin. I don’t deserve to be happy, not when they got much less than what they deserved. A shudder runs the length of my body.
A knock on the door startles me and my eyes jump to the frame. Taking a quick breath in, I make my way to open it. Speak of the devil.
“Well look what the cat dragged in,” I say jokingly. “Come on in.”
Keifer follows me into the house, pulling a large suitcase behind him, and a shiver runs down my back. He has no idea what was running through my mind, but I still feel exposed in a way. “Can I get you anything to drink?”
He nods. “Yeah, you know what? A water would be great.”
I acknowledge him and then grab two water bottles from the fridge, gently tossing one to him. He catches it effortlessly and then unscrews the cap and takes a drink.
“Well, you’re darker than dark.” I’m not joking either, he almost looks a different ethnicity with how brown his skin is.
“Give me a break, it’s dangerously close to the equator.” He pulls a chair out, taking a seat at the table.
“Did you just get back?” My eyes roam over the large suitcase beside him.
He nods. “I’m going to need to crash here for the next couple of days, if that’s okay.”
I’m at a loss for words. “I don’t leave for Thailand until Thursday.”
He shrugs. “I can sleep on the couch if I need to.”
“What about your place in New York?” I pull out a chair, plopping into it.
“I’m subletting it for the next couple of months until I figure out what I want to do.”
Cocking my head to the side, I stare back at him. “Why are you staying in Seattle? What is here for you?”
His eyes lock with mine only for a second and then he retrains them in a different direction. “I’ve been on the go for so long, even New York doesn’t feel like home anymore. I’m just trying to get my bearings again.”