by Kira Adams
For the first time in a long time, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’ve been fighting for their honor ever since the accident and haven’t focused much on my own self-care. It’s been months since I’ve dyed or cut my hair, had my nails done, or even had a pedicure. Finally, there is time for me to do these things. First things first, with this new life comes a new me. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to dye my hair brown, and feel like it’s finally time. Goodbye blonde, boring hair! I’m going edgy, and hope that it looks good.
A few hours later I walk out of the salon with inches missing and a new pep in my step. The new dark chestnut color of my hair compliments my brown eyes and olive skin. I went for a bob and love how light and airy it feels. Keifer is only home for another twenty-four hours before he heads back to Peru. He cut his trip short to be there for me, and the trial, and now that she’s been found guilty, he’s headed back.
The sentencing trial is in a couple of days, so I can’t accompany him no matter how badly I want to or how many times he’s begged.
I’m light on my feet when I get back to the house. It’s still my house, but lately, it feels more like something we’re sharing. Keifer is definitely not the best roommate, but far from the worst. He’s not great at picking up after himself, but he gets kudos for the laundry he does on a weekly basis and the minimal bathroom cleaning. It’s probably ill-advised to be living with someone who you have sexual tension with, before being ready, but we’ve managed quite well. He hasn’t pressured me in the slightest, and the furthest we’ve gone is kissing and grinding while fully clothed. He’s been an utter gentleman.
It’s not uncommon for me to fantasize what it would be like to take those steps with him. It’s hard not to. But I’m not ready and he knows that. My grief is still coming in waves, tearing my heart into pieces each and every time.
“How are you feeling?” Torrie asks. We are out at a Mexican restaurant for dinner.
Breathing in deeply, my eyes fall upon hers. “I’m doing okay.”
“This hasn’t been easy,” Grace says, her face solemn.
“No, it hasn’t.” Doug dips a chip in the beans before popping it in his mouth.
“What did Tommy say?” Torrie rubs her pregnant belly in a circular motion. It won’t be long now until baby Thomas is here.
“He said we already won because of the police report and all of the facts, but he’s waiting to see just how severe the punishment will be.”
“She needs to be locked away for good,” Grace exclaims.
It’s what I want as well, but life works in mysterious ways. Sometimes the bad guys don’t get what they deserve.
Doug stares at me silently for a moment before speaking. “So, what now?”
Sighing, my head drops into my hands. The tears come before I can stop them. Warm and salty, sliding down my cheeks.
“Oh, Tobin, what’s the matter?” Torrie cries, wide-eyed. She’s seen me cry enough tears this year to fill an ocean.
My shoulders heave up and down as the wave of emotions overtakes me. This feels like the end of a chapter and it makes me so incredibly sad. After a few attempts to talk, I give up, needing to just ride it out.
Grace reaches out and grabs my hand squeezing it. “I know this hasn’t been easy, but you have been so tough throughout everything. Everyone needs a good cry every now and again.”
The waitress approaches our table, but upon realizing it’s not the best time, she shuffles away quickly.
“Tobin, we are all here for you. And Marie? She’s going to get what she deserves. Everything happens for a reason. Just remember that.” When he says her name it makes me wince. Unfortunately, with the trial, her name has been on the tip of everyone’s tongues.
Using my cloth napkin to wipe away the tears, my eyes shift between my support team. They were there every single day of the trial. They’ve been there for me ever since. With Keifer traveling so much lately, I couldn’t be more thankful.
The sentencing came and went, and I feel as though I can breathe again. Marie was sentenced to twenty-six years behind bars and will be eligible for parole by the time she’s the same age, but I digress. Maybe she will have learned something by then, maybe not. Either way, I’m happy she’s being held accountable for her actions. I’ve been working on saying her name, and surprisingly it feels better than what I was doing all this time. It helps me hold her responsible, and as crazy as it sounds…I’m working on forgiveness. It’s not going to be easy, and sure as hell won’t be anytime soon, but I’m hoping to be able to forgive and release some of that heaviness off my heart.
Keifer pressured me to agree to some of the appearances to talk about what happened to Finn and Easten, and although it was difficult, I’m happy he pushed me to do it. I like spreading awareness about depression and mental illness.
Although it isn’t my favorite thing, I’ve been helping Torrie and Doug prepare for the baby. Buying diapers and decorations for the nursery is devastating, but I know it will all be worth it in the end. I need to be happy for them. It’s why I’m forcing myself to jump head first into misery.
Keifer has been back and forth from filming for his channel but is finally coming back for awhile tonight. I’m nervous to see him, since the last time we were in the same room we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It’s getting more and more difficult to avoid suspicions surrounding our relationship, as well. Grace isn’t as oblivious and aloof as we originally thought. Just last week she made a strange comment to me about how Keifer and I have really been able to help each other heal. And while that may seem harmless to others, the way she looked at me when she said it was odd. It wouldn’t surprise me if she knows more than she’s letting on.
The sound of the lock turning and the door opening catches my attention. He’s home.
I rush toward the door at full force, unable to contain myself, when he emerges carrying something in his arms. Stopping abruptly, I stare intently at the tiny, furry ball he is barely supporting, along with lugging in his huge suitcase.
“Hey,” he greets me simply before pecking me on the lips and then closing the door behind him. Removing his backpack, he drops it next to his massive suitcase. “You weren’t supposed to be waiting at the door, this was supposed to be a surprise.”
My eyes settle on the puppy in his arms. It is tan and fluffy and no bigger than his hand. “What is this?”
He chuckles. “This is Domino, she was abandoned and left in a garbage can near my house.”
Without being able to refrain, my hand shoots out to pet the cute animal. “Okay, but what is she doing here…in Seattle?”
The sight of Keifer, a strong, intimidating, tattooed, sexy man carrying a tiny, fluffy puppy is going to be seared into my memory forever. I wish I could get this framed. He hands me Domino and I’m immediately in love with the tiny ball of fur. She is so adorable, and I swear her brown eyes see into my soul. How could anyone abandon such an innocent creature?
“What is she doing here?” I ask again, determined to get to the bottom of this.
He shrugs, looking all innocent himself. “You’ve been lonely, and I thought Domino could help with that. She also misses her family.”
She licks my hand and I’m done for. She had me the minute she looked into my eyes. I haven’t had a dog since I was a teenager, what if I’m ill-prepared?
Keifer presses his lips to my shoulder, giving me goosebumps. “Domino needs someone who will care for her and love her, and I think you are the perfect person.”
Staring into his eyes, my fear is apparent. “I don’t know what she needs. I don’t have anything here for her. What about food or a leash? Is she potty-trained?”
He chuckles, grabbing her from me and bringing her into his chest. He looks softer with her in his arms. He looks gentle.
“We can go shopping together. It will be fun.”
There’s really no point in fighting, the puppy has already won me over. “What is she
?”
He presses his face into her soft fur, giving it a little kiss. “She’s a Pomeranian, Papillion mix.”
It really doesn’t matter because there’s no way Domino is going anywhere now that I’ve met her. I’m already invested, and it’s been minutes. My nerves are through the roof about the poor thing relying on me when I’m such a novice. That’s not entirely true, but I feel like a born-again novice.
“Alright, fine. Let’s go to the store, and we better bring the little cutie with us. I don’t want her having any accidents in the house while we are gone.”
I’ve been in puppy potty training hell. Who knew it could be so difficult?
Domino is still under two pounds, but having trouble grasping the concept that the puppy pads are where she is supposed to go all the time. When it’s just her and me, I make sure to put her on the pad multiple times so that she doesn’t get confused.
When Keifer is home, I don’t know if he even watches her. I’ve come home so many times this past week to pee stains and poop all over the house. Her favorite new place to go is in my closet. I’m not really having it.
It’s funny because potty training Domino has brought back a lot of memories of potty training Easten. Sometimes, in the beginning stages, she would rip her diaper off and go running through the house, pee running down her legs. I couldn’t catch her fast enough to get her cleaned up and in the tub. The memory makes me giggle.
Potty training Easten wasn’t the only adventure I had as her mom. When she was just a baby, less than a year old, she got in the habit of making herself throw up. I’m talking finger down the throat and purging. She would do it anytime she was upset. Unfortunately for Finn and me, that almost always happened to be the car. Finn could always sense the minute before she was about to pull the stunt and would proceed with screaming at me, like I could do anything to prevent it. It used to be hell to have to clean her up after an episode. How I would give anything to experience that again, even just one more time.
Recently, I’ve been taking online classes toward my master’s degree. Finn would keel over and die if he were alive to see this. I hated school, ironically, even though I chose to become a teacher. In fact, I barely made it by with passing grades. I did just enough, but never more. Never in a million years would I have guessed I would voluntarily want to go back. Sure, it’s different because it’s all digital for me…but the course load is similar I’m sure.
“Oh, my God!” Torrie squeals as she scoops the little menace into her arms. “Are you freaking kidding me right now? He is so stinking cute!” She is rubbing her face all up in Domino’s fur and I can’t help but internally giggle because I know just how dirty and stinky she is. I’ve had to wash her no less than three times a day and she’s been getting into anything and everything.
“Would you like to adopt her? I think she’s looking for a new mother.” I’m only teasing…partially.
Torrie waves me off and then snuggles her closer. “How could anyone have a bad day with this guy around? What’s his name?”
“Domino, and it’s a girl.”
She kisses the puppy a few more times before putting her down on the carpet. “Interesting name. Have you been taking any pictures or video of her?”
I shake my head. “No, I’ve kind of had my hands full.”
She looks back at me with a disappointed look. “You know, I follow a few celebrities who have Pomeranians, and their dogs have more followers on Instagram then they do. You should totally create a page for Domino and document things while she’s still tiny and precious.”
“She’s always going to be tiny and precious, she’s a freaking Pomeranian.”
She shoos me off again. “You know what I mean. Anyways, you should really think about it.”
Handing her my phone, I let her take the reins. She snaps picture after picture of the puppy in various spots around the house. I’m surprised Domino has enough patience for Torrie.
By the time she is done, Domino is worn out and so am I. “So, how have things been with Keifer?”
Although she’s my sister and best friend, I’ve kept most of my relationship with Keifer to myself. It’s not really anyone’s business and I’m not ready to be judged for my actions yet. “Good,” I answer simply.
“Have you told Grace yet?” She eyes me down.
“I don’t know if there is really anything to tell…” I know I’m lying and for that I feel guilty. While we haven’t been fully intimate, we have been spending a lot of alone time together and enjoying each other’s company.
Torrie rolls her eyes at me, shifting her face away. “Suit yourself, you’ll know when the time is right,” she pauses, her eyebrows furrowing.
“What’s wrong?” Her sudden change in demeanor has me worried.
She hurriedly grabs my hand and then pulls it to her stomach. “He’s kicking.” Sure enough, the tiny foot protrudes from her stomach and I feel it against my palm. Tears sting the back of my eyes…this is one of life’s most precious miracles.
“That’s amazing, Tor.” Pulling my hand away, the smile feels forced. “Have you guys talked any more about names?”
She shakes her head. “At this point, we are going to get to the delivery room and still not have a name chosen. We can’t agree on anything.”
Laughing, I stand and walk over to the refrigerator, grabbing a bottle of water. “Water?”
“Sure. Thanks.” She takes the bottle from me before I sit back down. After taking a few small gulps, she stares at me quietly for a moment.
“What?”
Shaking her head, she finishes off another swig. “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to upset you.”
My heartrate spikes because I’m worried what she might say next. “Please just ask me.”
She inhales deeply before speaking. “How would you feel if we named the baby Thomas Finn Ellison?”
“Cereal?” I ask.
She nods. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot and the other day I asked Doug how he felt about it, and it was the first time we were on the same page.”
My arms are already around her before she has a chance to say anything else. “Thank you.”
She hugs me back tightly, making me feel loved. “You don’t need to thank me, really. Finn meant a lot to us, just like you do. We want to honor him.”
My heart feels full. “He was so lucky, there were so many people out there looking out for him and rooting for him.”
Torrie nods, smiling. “He was a good person, Tobin. Just like you.”
Someday, sometime, I hope to end up with someone even a fraction as amazing as Finn. Someday.
Storms Make Trees Take Deeper Roots
Things have been surprisingly easy and good lately. I don’t want to jinx it, but there have been rare instances where I forget I’m broken.
Easten and Finn remain on my mind regularly, but when they cross it, I’m not sad anymore. Sometimes a memory pops up and it brings a smile to my lips or elicits a laugh. I miss them more than anything and don’t expect that to change anytime soon, if ever. Maybe one day it will become more like a dull ache than a sharp pain.
Domino has both grown in size and on me. She’s over three pounds now and one of the most adorable puppies I’ve ever seen. I took Torrie’s advice and created a social media presence for her. It hasn’t been long, but she already has over a hundred followers.
On my personal Instagram, only a small group of people followed me before Keifer came along. Now, because of his highly popular channel, I have over 2500 people interested in me. Posting cute pictures of Domino has worked in my favor.
Today, Keifer suggested a trip to the beach with her, for the first time. She loves the outdoors, so I’m curious to see her react to sand and the ocean. She hates taking baths, but I wonder if that will translate to the salt water or not. “You’re going to have such an adventurous day, today,” I tell her in a high-pitched tone.
Keifer calls it my ‘mommy voice’.
Originally that made me sad, but now it just makes me reminisce. I wonder if I will ever get the chance again to be a mother to an amazing human being. Not that I would be ready for that anytime soon; Domino is more than enough for me to handle. More so, just the idea of being that provider for someone has been crossing my mind.
“You ready to go?” Keifer asks, his backpack in tow. He has Domino in his arms and she still makes him look gentle. He can’t be so tough when carrying around a tiny puppy.
I nod and follow him out of the house, locking the door behind me.
“Well look who it is,” Keifer’s voice carries and I twirl my head around. Grace is standing there holding what looks to be one of her infamous casseroles.
“Grace!” I exclaim, throwing my arms around her. “What are you doing here?”
She shrugs. “You haven’t been over for Sunday dinner in a couple of weeks, so I thought I could bring it to you. This is left-overs from last night.”
“Thank you so much!” I hurriedly take the glass container from her and let myself back inside.
“I’ll get the car started,” Keifer hollers from the driveway.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were going to be busy today,” Grace says, with a sad look upon her face.
“Come inside, don’t be silly. Keifer can wait.”
She follows me to the kitchen table but does not sit. “What are you two up to today?”
I glance toward the door and then back at her. “Just headed to the beach with Domino.”
She nods, unresponsive.
“Are you okay?” I ask, placing my hand on her back.
“You know that I love you very much, right?”
I nod, my heartbeat drowning out most other sounds. She has me on my toes waiting.
“I want nothing more than for you to be happy again—really happy.”
I have an inkling what she’s getting at, but haven’t wanted to face it head on. I guess today is as good a day as any.