The Life I Never Asked For

by Kira Adams

  “Tobin, I know with most things I seem aloof or uneducated, but I wasn’t born yesterday.”

  “What are you getting at?” I ask hesitantly.

  “Is there something going on between you and Keifer?” Even though I knew she’d find out eventually, I’m still slightly surprised. Her approach is so unlike Grace.

  I could continue to deny it and lie, or I could just come clean. I choose the latter, even with the notion that it’s about to get messy. “We didn’t plan this. It just happened…”

  I expect there to be betrayal in her stare, but instead see sympathy.

  “You can’t plan how or when to fall in love with someone, love just grows on you…in your bones, your mind, your heart, and your soul.”

  I stare back at her surprised. “What makes you think I love him?”

  She giggles, a small tear sliding down her face. “Because Finn loved him, and he was everything that was good and right in the world.” She pauses with a small smile. “You forget that I’ve seen the way you two look at each other; the stolen glances.”

  “Great,” I groan. “And here we were trying to be discreet.”

  Grace takes my hand in hers, squeezing it. “I’ve been praying for you to find this.”

  “What?”

  “Peace. The ability to move on past the tragedy.”

  I rub her hand soothingly. “You’ve been the best second mother I could ever asked for. Thank you for being my strength when I was weak.”

  A tear slides down her cheek. “Keifer isn’t Finn, no one is…but he’s a good man, Tobin. Underneath all those tattoos and facial hair, there is a heart of gold. Finn would be so happy you’ve found each other and that something beautiful came out of the tragedy.”

  I’m shocked at how understanding she is being. I was her daughter-in-law, married to her son, and now I’m a widow seeing her nephew. It must be harder than she let’s on.

  We spend another few minutes just hugging each other in silence. I can feel her teardrops falling onto my shoulder and into my hair as I’m sure she can feel mine. This was something we both needed, and I couldn’t be happier it played out this way.

  3 Months Later

  Keifer and I have been dating officially now for a little over a hundred days. If you count the time we were sneaking around, it’s closer to a hundred and fifty days. I count it by the day instead of month because that’s how I had to get through it—moment by moment.

  After the accident, each second felt like an eternity, the hole in my heart growing larger with each passing day. Slowly, little by little, Keifer helped me rebuild from nothing. He helped me build something new. My goal has never been to forget what happened or forget them…it’s been to find a way to carry on even with the gaping hole in my chest.

  Things have been easy, and I’ve embraced it. Being with Keifer is simple and carefree. We rarely ever argue and besides being messy, he is quite thoughtful. Just the other day he left post-it-notes all over the house with clues to a homemade scavenger hunt. I’ve found four of the notes so far but haven’t left the house yet. I wonder what kind of adventure he will send me on.

  He went out earlier, Domino in tow, to run a few errands. It’s funny how inseparable the pair have become. Domino even sleeps on the same pillow as Keifer. Girls swoon every time they see him with her and I don’t blame them, I do too. There is this website with a bunch of tattooed men and cats, and now with how many candid’s I’ve snapped of the pair, another one with tattooed men and small dogs. Turns out Keifer wasn’t the first.

  My phone chimes in my sweatshirt pocket and I pull it out. It’s Tor, and she’s attached a website link.

  Have you seen this?

  The article is on the gossip blog, TMZ, and the headline reads, ‘Secret Baby?’. I’m unsure what I’m looking at, but then I start reading. There is a picture of a beautiful, brunette actress, Lena Grainger, who just so happens to be Keifer’s ex. They dated for three years.

  In the article she talks about a surprise pregnancy and how she is considering all options. By the calculations, she’s almost eight months pregnant, so abortion is out of the question. The article speculates that Keifer is the father because the paparazzi saw him leaving her house around the time she got pregnant.

  My heart sinks and my stomach is in knots. Is it true? I’m dialing his number before I can stop myself. He picks up on the second ring. “Let me guess, you need help with clues?”

  He sounds happy and oblivious. “Is it true?” I ask simply.

  There is a shift in his tone and he is now aware that I am upset. “Is what true?”

  Swallowing the anxiety down, I say, “Are you the father of Lena’s baby?”

  There is ample silence before he responds. “I’m almost home. Let’s talk about this when I get back.”

  His answer doesn’t satisfy me, leaving more nerves in it’s wake. I’m left pacing back and forth for nearly ten minutes before I hear the garage door opening. It’s crazy how I barely even knew Keifer existed a year ago, and now I can’t imagine him not being in my life. It’s unfair of me to be angry with him, but I can’t help being disappointed. We were doing so well. I’ve been doing so well.

  He enters the house carrying Domino in one hand and an armful of paper grocery bags in the other. He places Domino on the ground and then drops the bags onto the kitchen counter before turning back to me. His face is sullen, and his brows are furrowed. “Tobin…”

  Taking a few steps toward me, Keifer wraps his arm around my hip, pulling me in. Unsure of what to say, I let the silence speak.

  “Babe, talk to me,” he says softly, burrowing his face into the side of my neck.

  Tears are already beginning to brim the bottom of my eyelids.

  “Baby, please don’t cry,” he begs, wiping the tears gently away with his thumbs. He presses his forehead against mine, breathing in deeply.

  “Is it true?” Three words, but a question so powerful it could turn everything upside down.

  There is a pause on his end as he seemingly contemplates how to respond. “If I’m being truthful, yeah, there is a possibility.”

  It’s as if I can hear my heart shattering with his confession—a million emotions swirling inside of me.

  The vibrating of my phone loudly interrupts, and I see Doug’s name flash across the screen. Torrie’s due date was a week ago, the doctor said if the baby didn’t come he was going to induce her by today. It’s not the right time for me to be answering a call, but it’s one I can’t miss.

  I pick-up against my better judgment. “Doug?”

  “Tobin, it’s time.”

  Inhale the Future, Exhale the Past

  The last week has been a blur. Baby Thomas arrived at 2:30 p.m. on May 18th. He was seven pounds, six ounces. He had a full head of hair and has been amazing all of us.

  Knowing Torrie would need help immediately after giving birth, I offered to stay at their house and help at night, so the new parents could get a little rest. God knows they won’t be able to sleep in for another eighteen years. It also gave me a chance to get away from the awkward situation between Keifer and me. It’s been a week since we’ve had a full-on conversation and you could say I’m avoiding him.

  He’s sent me countless texts trying to find out when I’ll be home—when we can talk. I don’t want to avoid him forever, I just need a little more time. Thomas coos and I shift him in my arms, rocking him back and forth. He’s been up since three-thirty this morning, just making noises. He doesn’t cry. This is something we discovered early on. The doctor’s joked that he was an alien because they’ve never seen a baby so quiet before. I just think he’s a miracle. There is a pang in my chest.

  “Hey,” Torrie’s voice carries through the darkness. “How’s it going?” She squints through sleep-filled eyes.

  “It’s going good, he’s just restless.” This is something we have come to expect as he sleeps during the day without interruption for about seven hours. Again, Torrie and Doug are be
ing spoiled. If they think this is normal, they have another thing coming.

  She reaches her arms out, taking him from me. “You know, you have been the biggest help. Doug and I appreciate it so much.”

  “But?”

  “But, you need to get back to your life. We can take it from here.”

  “You’re kicking me out?” She would never dream of it, but I know what she means.

  She laughs lightly. “Yeah, right, but you need to go figure things out with Keifer before you lose him.”

  My eyes widen. “Tor, I don’t even know what to say to him…”

  “Well you could start out by telling him how you actually feel. Do you want to lose what you have?”

  I shake my head back and forth.

  “Then you need to figure out what you’re going to say. Are you going to ask him to take a paternity test?”

  My stomach feels like sharks are circling inside, making me nauseous. “I think that’s the right thing to do, don’t you?”

  She shrugs. “I think you need do whatever you feel comfortable with. You know we will always support you.”

  I nod. “You’re right. I can’t avoid my own house forever.”

  “There you go.” Torrie shifts Thomas from one arm to another.

  “Okay. I’ll get out of your hair.”

  She reaches out to stop me. “Don’t be silly, Tobin, it’s the middle of the night. You can go home tomorrow.”

  Shaking my head, I look back up at her. “I’ve been hiding out here for too long. I need to go home.”

  “Are you sure?” she asks again, still hesitant to let me leave at this early hour.

  “Yes, I need to do this.” Giving her a hug and baby Thomas a kiss goodbye, I make it out to my car in no time. It seems excessive, but now that she got me thinking about it, I miss Keifer and I don’t want to lose him.

  There is no traffic on the streets because it’s so early. I prefer it this way. Just me and the road. A few blocks down from my house another car finally appears beside me. I’m curious what they are doing up so . Glancing over during the red light, I notice it’s an older woman. She looks to be around fifty. I smile lazily, and then turn my attention back to the stoplight.

  The light finally turns and my foot presses down on the gas. I should be home in a few moments.

  It happens so fast, there’s no time to blink. The woman in the car beside me makes a left-hand turn from the middle lane. I’m in the left lane and she plows right into me, t-boning my jeep. My airbag deploys hitting me in the face and it burns. The car spins around once or twice before finally stopping. I feel like I have whiplash.

  I’m shaken up and bruised, but alive. Once I realize what happened, the tears flow. Not again. Only this time, my heart feels conflicted. This time, I didn’t want to die.

  I’m still shaken up when I remember that there was another car in this accident. My head swivels around looking for the vehicle that hit me. What happened? Frantically, I remove my seatbelt and open my car door, hopping out. The ground is littered with shards from the accident, pieces of either car, and glass. It looks like a war zone.

  “Are you okay?” I exclaim, rushing toward the other car. The sound of an ambulance grows louder and nearer before it makes an appearance a few moments later. Before the ambulance showed up out of nowhere, the streets were dead. Angels must be looking out for me.

  A police car arrives with flashing lights and a blaring siren before blocking off traffic. The other woman’s car, a blue Ford Focus looks just as bad as mine, if not worse. She is outside of her car, holding her head, confused. She doesn’t seem in the right state of mind, so I keep my distance.

  It’s another thirty minutes while I’m checked out before I can leave the scene. The woman who hit me was arrested for driving under the influence. The cops did a search of her car and found heroin and cocaine. She shouldn’t have been driving. I’m just thankful I’m okay, and it is such a hopeful feeling. I’ve wanted to die every day since I lost Easton, Finn, and our unborn child. But for the first time in a long time, I’m excited for what the future holds. It feels amazing to be me again.

  The odds were stacked against me, but my angels made sure all turned out okay. There is not a doubt in my mind that Finn and Easten were looking out for me today.

  I want to call Keifer, but in the midst of the accident, my phone was shattered. One of the police officers is kind enough to give me a lift home. When I walk through the door, all the lights are off. I know Keifer is here because his car is parked out front, so I hurriedly make my way up the stairs and to his bedroom. Trying to be as quiet as possible, I open the door and tiptoe inside, closing it behind me. The shadow of his large body is on the bed and right at the top of his pillow is Domino, curled up.

  I’m sore from the accident, so I gently pull the covers back and climb underneath them. He stirs with my movement and his eyes open. “What are you doing?” he asks softly, pulling me into him.

  I gasp from the pain, but allow him to wrap his arm around me. “I needed to see you,” I say softly.

  He presses his lips to my forehead. “You haven’t returned any of my calls. We need to talk.”

  Lifting a finger to his lips, it silences him. “Can you just hold me?” I don’t have the energy for anything else tonight. The accident really put into perspective what is important to me. Too much time is wasted, and we need to make the most of the time we have left.

  He nods silently, pulling me in closer. Domino isn’t asleep any more either and has climbed on top of us to give me kisses. Giggling, I’m thankful for the distraction.

  Keifer lifts my chin up gently, inspecting the rugburn from my airbag. “What happened to you?”

  Sighing, I cave. “Car accident.”

  He sits up abruptly, staring back at me. “What? Is that why I didn’t hear the garage door?”

  All his sudden movements are just a bit too much for me after the long night. “Look, I want to tell you all about it, and I will, but it’s past six in the morning and I have been awake for over twenty-four hours. My eyelids can barely stay open. I need rest.”

  He is still staring me down with a concerned expression etched on his face. “Are you okay?”

  Grabbing his hand in mine, I squeeze it reassuringly. “I’m fine. Just a little shaken up, that’s all. I promise I will tell you everything later tonight.”

  He gives up the interrogation and falls back onto the bed beside me. “You know, just in case I don’t get another chance…I’ve been meaning to tell you something.” He shifts so that he is on his side, staring into my eyes deeply. “I love you.”

  My heart squeezes inside of my chest because there is not a doubt in my mind that I love him, too. He reaches out for my face, cradling it in his hands before he lowers his lips to mine. It’s a bittersweet moment. On one hand, we found love amongst the broken pieces. On another hand, it means that I am finally learning how to move on past the tragedy. It’s my own personal catch-22.

  Out of Your Vulnerabilities Will Come Your Strength

  “Damn, I hate to say this, but you have some terrible luck,” Keifer jokes, tucking my hair behind my ear. “I mean, that’s two accidents in what…less than a year?”

  I nod begrudgingly. Not to mention I’ve had a myriad of emotions run through me since the accident the other night. At first, I was so happy to be alive, but then the guilt and sadness began washing over me. It brought back everything I felt the night I lost Easten and Finn. I haven’t been myself since and feel sorry for Keifer.

  “Come here,” he pulls me into him. I’m still sore from the wreck, but most of the pain is internal. His arms envelope me tighter and our heartbeats dance to the rhythm of each other’s. “You’re so strong, Tobin.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Just look at everything you’ve been through this past year. That would be tough on anyone. I’m really proud of the person you’ve become and how you are living your life. I think Finn would be support
ive.”

  I pull away to look him in the eyes. “Okay, what’s come over you? Did someone take over your body?”

  He chuckles, pulling me closer, yet again. “I’m just saying. Aren’t you proud of me and the person you’ve helped me become?”

  “What? A softy?” I joke, poking him in the chest playfully.

  “Hey!” he rolls us over, wrestling with me. The sheets tangle around our legs.

  Today is the first day I’ve been able to joke with him like normal. It’s the first day I haven’t been lost in my emotions. I’m thankful he is patient enough to wait for me to sort through all the guilt and pain, to find pieces of my happiness again.

  I haven’t forgotten about the baby-daddy drama, but it’s been put on the back burner for now. There is only so much I can handle at once, and I’m about at my limit.

  Because I’ve been so down, Grace has been a tremendous support. Her house always calms me, and I’ve spent more time there, cooking with her, than I have been home. Eventually, I will also need to make my rounds back to see my adorable nephew, but even that has been difficult on me as of late. It’s funny how you can take one step forward and then feel like you’ve taken three steps back. I just keep telling myself, ‘this too shall pass’.

  “So, I hate to bring this up because I know it’s just going to put you back into your funk…but isn’t their anniversary coming up soon? Have you figured out what you want to do yet?”

  He’s right. The minute the questions leave his lips, sadness washes over me. A year since they’ve been gone. So little time, yet it’s felt like an absolute eternity without them. It still feels like quicksand I can’t escape from. My heart aches as my mind races. “Well, Grace has already offered her place up, and to cook, so I have that much planned.”

  A small smile plays upon his lips. “What about the donor recipients? Didn’t the doctor say they would be willing to share that list with you soon?”