by Kira Adams
The thumping of my heart grows louder with each passing second. I’ve been wanting to see these names for so long, but at the same time I’m terrified to meet them. To look into Easten’s eyes on someone else or hear Finn’s heartbeat through another’s chest–it’s hauntingly beautiful. It would be the best and worst thing all in one. Technically, I could have known the names much earlier, but I’ve been scared. Scared of what that might lead to. Scared of how I might react upon meeting them.
Finn was the best man I’ve ever known so it was no surprise to me when he decided to become an organ donor. Easten on the other hand was so young, the doctor’s let me make that difficult decision. Knowing that she was going to be able to do something so powerful, even after her soul left this earth, made it easy for me. Right away I was told that they were able to use one of her kidneys, her heart, and her liver. She helped three others with a fresh start, and what a powerful one it must have been.
“I don’t know if I’m ready yet…” My words slice through the silence.
Keifer rubs my back, soothingly. “I don’t know if you’ll ever be ready, but I bet it will help you in ways you might not expect.”
It’s possible, but I just need to take it one day at a time right now. At least I know there is no expiration date on grief. Everyone handles it differently and there should be no expectations of me.
A couple weeks have passed since the accident and I’m feeling less frazzled by the day. Keifer has been so delicate and gentle with me, I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. As the days pass by, we get closer to the anniversary of Finn and Easten’s passing and the sadness rushes over me in waves. I’ve been feeling a little bipolar with how varied the highs and lows are.
Keifer has been traveling again for his channel. About a month and a half ago, he started a new segment called, “What Would Keifer Do?” a play on the old WWJD religious tagline. Each episode he visits a different city in the United States and finds the coolest, most unique places to visit or sights to see—secret gems the locals keep to themselves. It’s garnered more views than any of his other segments. The first video hit a record high of over two million views. YouTube invited him to their headquarters and even got him a cake. It never ceases to amaze me how many people love him. How he can make a living out of exactly that—living life to the absolute fullest. He’s such an inspiration.
Baby Thomas has been growing so fast. He’s less than a month old and already in 3-month clothing. I can only imagine what it will be when he hits the six month mark. Regardless, he is the most adorable baby. He makes this cute pout face, but half the time he’s not actually upset. He’s quiet, too. Still sleeping through most of the night, he’s been an absolute joy for his parents. He cries, don’t get me wrong, it’s just few and far between.
It’s been nice to have something in common with Torrie and to help her through her first pregnancy. Ever since Thomas was born, she’s really relied on me for answers to everything mother-related. She’s so paranoid she’s going to make a mistake, but what she doesn’t realize is that sometimes you need to make a mistake to learn from it. She’s still becoming an amazing mother and I couldn’t be more happy or proud of her.
When they first told me about the pregnancy, I was saddened by the thought that someone else was going to get to live my dream. Someone else was going to get the life I had, the life I always wanted. In all honesty, I can’t think of another person more worthy of getting to experience such an incredible part of life. Torrie and Doug deserve it more than anything. I’m happy I get to be a part of it.
Sometimes I toy with the idea of what it might feel like to have someone rely on me like that, again. To have someone love me so unconditionally, like a child. I’ll never be able to replace Easten, and I would never want to…but maybe someday I will be graced with the chance to have another child of my own. And I can only hope and pray that Torrie gets an ending much different than her sister’s.
Keifer and I don’t really talk about the future like that. In fact, we never talk about anything past a few months out. You just never know where life might lead. But you’d have to be blind to not see how great a father he would make. Just in how gentle and loving he is with me, I know he’d have the same care for any child that was his.
And it’s still so strange to have thoughts like these and feelings like this. If Finn were still alive, would I have ever gotten to know Keifer? Would our paths have crossed at all? Not even in the romantic sense, but in general. I wonder if we would have been a part of each other’s lives in a different way.
Although things have been going well, I haven’t forgotten the drama with his ex. In fact, I already scheduled the paternity test. Apparently, tests are so advanced these days, you can find out the results before the baby is even born. Next week we will know without a fraction of a doubt if Keifer is the father of Lena’s baby. I know it’s been on his mind, even though he does well to keep it at bay. My mind and heart have been occupied with not only the upcoming anniversary of the accident, but also with the impending results. I’ve played out so many scenarios, it’s not even funny.
“Earth to Tobin, you in there?” Doug asks me, a concerned look taking over his face.
Nodding, my eyes find his. “I just want to say what an incredible dad you are. I know I don’t need to tell you, but I want to.” Torrie really lucked out with him.
Doug’s stare softens, and a small smile plays upon his lips. “Thanks, Tobin. You’ve been a really big help these last few weeks and I’m sure it hasn’t been easy.”
Shaking my head, I shrug. “When the shit hits the fan, you do what you need to do. Just like when you and Torrie held me together this past year…we’re family. It’s what we do.”
His smile widens. “I hate to bring this up, but do you ever think about trying again?”
“Sometimes.”
“That’s great, Tobin. That’s progress. You have come so far.” He rocks baby Thomas back and forth in his arms. “Are you ready for Wednesday?”
Wednesday, June 16th, 2018 is the anniversary of their passing. Grace is hosting a memorial brunch. We invited mostly family and friends for this, but I also built up the courage to reach out to the donor recipients and invite them as well. I’m nervous about who might show up and what stories they might tell me, but more than anything, I’m anxious.
Follow Your Soul, It Knows the Way
Waking up this morning was almost as difficult as when I woke up from the accident. I’m dreading the get-together and want nothing more than to curl in the fetal position and sleep the entire day away. I’d love to get lost in my own dreamland where Easten and Finn are still alive.
Keifer has been nothing but supportive since he got back in late last night, waiting on me hand and foot. I’m not helpless, but I’m lost in another wave of grief. Sometimes when I have days like this, I wonder if it will ever get better. It always does, it ebbs and flows. I would never want it to ever go away completely because I never want to forget them, but someday, hopefully, it will affect me a little less. No one wants to feel immobilized or unworthy.
“Tobin, we’re cutting it close. If we don’t leave now, we’ll be late,” Keifer warns.
Acknowledging him with a nod, I finish the final touches with my mascara and then turn off the bathroom light.
“You know I’m here for you, right? That you can talk to me about anything?”
Bobbing my head up and down, we walk in unison. “I’m sorry I’m being like this. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
Keifer scoffs. “Tobin, don’t be ridiculous. I’m not upset.”
Without hesitation, my arms wrap around his body and squeeze. “Thank you for everything.” My anxiety is slowly rising, the butterflies swarming my stomach. He’s been my rock ever since we went international together and I feel safe with him. Whatever or whoever I am about to face at Grace’s, will all turn out for the best. Everything happens for a reason which is why I don’t have Finn and Easten, yet I�
��ve fallen in love with Keifer. He doesn’t know how I feel. I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell him. It won’t be much longer.
Walking into Grace’s house, my uneasiness continues. Finn and Easten were my everything, but having to relive that horrific day is not something I care to do or would wish upon anyone. One time was more than enough. One time was enough to change it all.
After finding Doug, Torrie, and the baby, we make our rounds greeting everyone. My grandmother is turning 95 soon and even she is in attendance. Besides a small cane she uses when walking, she’s in perfect health. It runs in our family, we tend to live longer than the average person. I wonder what causes that.
Keifer leaves me to go mingle with Doug, as they cook up some burgers and hot dogs. Grace finds me shortly after. “How are you doing, Tobin? How are things with Keifer?”
“Things are good, as are we. His new segment has been doing really well.”
“And school? You still taking online classes?” Nothing has changed since we saw one another a couple of weeks ago, but I humor her.
“Yep. Still enrolled.”
“How much longer do you have?”
I shake my head at her, shrugging. “I’m not sure. I think I have about a year and a half.”
“Well hopefully it won’t feel that long.” She smiles, squeezing my arm. “What time are the recipients supposed to arrive?”
“Anytime now, really.” My eyes dart around the room making sure our conversation isn’t the focus to anyone else but us. “We should probably start calling them by name now.” Tina Duvet, Michael Palacio, and Faren Turnbull. Their names were seared into my memory the minute I found out who they were. Tina was only six but was in desperate need of a new pair of eyes. Michael’s heart had been failing him since he was a kid. Far too big, they weren’t sure how much time he had left. Faren had gone into acute renal failure shortly before Finn’s kidney became available and it literally saved her life. Knowing what good it brought to these three people has been bittersweet since the start. Everyone deserves an even chance, but Finn’s life ended before it ever really even began. Same with Easten. She had so much more to see, for us to teach her.
Tina’s small stature and brown hair come through the door first, accompanied by her father. He’s a tall gentleman, nearing six feet tall, with gentle features. At one point his eyes matched his daughters, but now hers are the blue-green eyes I fell in love with two times over. She doesn’t know who I am, but I memorized her photo the first time I saw it. There was no doubt in my mind that someday, somehow, we would meet. “You must be Tina,” I say softly, approaching the pair.
They shift their attention to me. “You’re Tobin, aren’t you?” her father asks with an affirmed look on his face.
Shaking my head yes, there is no hesitation. Immediately, I reach out for Tina, pulling her into a gentle hug. “Was Easten your daughter?” she asks so innocently.
Releasing her slightly, my eyes roam her face. Easten’s eyes stare back at me expectantly. The tears surprise me by streaming down my cheeks. “Yes, Easten was my daughter. I wish you would have met her, she was barrels of fun.”
Tina looks sad. “I’m sorry, Ms. Price. Thank you for her generosity.”
A tear trails down my face and I hug her one more time. “Did you guys see the food? It’s in the kitchen.”
Tina’s father shifts his attention the way I am gesturing. “No, we didn’t. Tina, are you hungry? You want to get a little something to eat?”
She nods eagerly, and they excuse themselves to dish up some of the eggs, hash browns, and bacon. Inside, I’m relieved. I’m so thankful they came today and that I got to see the impact Easten’s donation made on someone else’s life, but it’s also completely devastating—staring into Easten’s eyes and it not being her.
Keifer does a drive by pulse check with me, making sure I’m handling the arrivals okay. He makes a point to introduce himself to Tina and her father, just to get a chance to look into Easten’s eyes. I think it’s sweet.
While we’re eating, Michael shows up with his wife. They are middle-aged and ever so grateful for everything that has happened in the last year. He’s gracious enough to let me put my head on his chest and listen to the beating. It’s so strange to think that he is living with Finn’s heart inside of his chest. That at one point he had nothing there and that Finn’s heart is what brought him back to life. It’s inspiring.
His wife is a doll. She sits and chats with me for a good long while before they help themselves to the food. She thanks me repeatedly for Finn’s contribution. She says without it, Michael wouldn’t have made it. He was on his last leg, and it came just in the nick of time. Finn would be utterly proud. I’m so proud to call myself his wife. I’m so happy we got the short time together we did, rather than having no time at all. I will cherish it all the days of my life.
Toward the end of the evening, Faren finally arrives. She arrives solo and keeps to herself. Besides telling me that Finn saved her life, she doesn’t go into more detail than that. She stays long enough to eat a plate of food and a slice of pie and is out before she can say goodbye to anyone, but me. Seeing her at all was more than worth it.
Keifer plops down in the chair beside me as darkness falls upon the sky. “Well, you made it through.”
I giggle. “That I did.”
“So, Tobin, now that we are past that, what is next for you?” It’s funny, but I haven’t given it any thought. Everything I’ve been doing the past year has been solely to get through the rough times, not to plan my future. I can’t remember the last time I was selfish.
Closing my eyes briefly, I try to envision it—what it might look like. “Well, I need to finish school first…but after that, who knows?”
“You plan on staying in Seattle?”
The thought had crossed my mind…but I need a change. We moved to Seattle for Finn and his job and now there is nothing holding me back.
“I’m not sure. What are you proposing?” It may be a little soon, but we already live together and have forgone our individual rooms for the past few months. Now we just share a bedroom. Maybe moving to New York with Keifer wouldn’t be so bad after all. Yes, I’d be far away from my mother, Torrie, and Grace, but they are only a plane ride away. Keifer has so many frequent flyer miles, I’d be able to do a few round trips before we’d have to start paying for it. Okay, okay, I’m getting ahead of myself…he hasn’t even asked.
Before responding he stands up and reaches into his back pocket pulling out an envelope and sitting back down again. “Here.” He hands it to me without anymore explanation.
“What is this?” I ask, staring back at him confused.
“It’s your first royalty check for ‘There is No Quit in Win’.” It’s been a while since I thought about the segments we shot while in Thailand. Ripping the envelope open, a check for a little under $800 stares back at me.
“Whoa, are you sure this is correct?” There is no way the video already made this kind of money. It must be some kind of a mistake. “What about the charities?”
He smiles back at me, that damn charming smile, and then proceeds to hand me another envelope. This one is opened already. A check with a lot of zeroes stares back at me. $35,000.
My mouth drops open as my gaze falls back upon him.
“I know, right? So, hear me out…what if you sold the house, we could move the rest of your stuff to my place in New York, and then we could travel, continuing my segment, ‘What Would Finn Do?’”
“Seriously?” My thoughts are all over the place.
He nods, rubbing my arms up and down in a soothing manner. “Tobin, live your life for once. You have nothing and no one holding you back. Think about it, I just handed you a check for $800 and that was only for the first segment we shot. It’s at 450,000 views now but who knows what it will be at next month. The others are doing about the same if not better. Plus, you’d be with me and making money. It’s a win-win.”
He’s
right, but what about my degree? There may be no point to it if we’re going to be traveling all over the world. What time would there be to dedicate to it? Going back to school was something I did to find me again, but Keifer found me in the darkness and pulled me into the light.
For once, the doubts fade away. Finn and Easten were my past, but Keifer is my future. Our shared adventures are awaiting me. All that is needed is a yes. Staring back at him, the love comes rushing through my veins. “Okay.”
2 Years Later:
If you would have asked me three and a half years ago what my life would be like now, there would have been no way to predict it. What a roller coaster it has been. The accident changed my life and the person I have become. For a long time after losing everything, it was hard to find the want or will to go on. Even breathing became a chore.
Life continued in shades of gray and black. Everything and everyone around me kept moving while I felt rooted to the ground, stuck in place. Keifer came into my life when I needed it most. He was harsh and uncaring at first, but I came to find out that was just part of his façade.
He fell for me the same way I fell for him, clumsy and unprepared. It wasn’t in either of our agendas, but fate always gets its way. My heart loved him before my mind allowed the idea of it and it took awhile to come to terms with that.
Traveling these last couple of years has been just what the doctor ordered. My heart was able to expand while also letting go. France, Japan, Turkey, and Ethiopia are just a handful of places we’ve been together. Grace took Domino in when we decided to be jet setters, and I don’t think we will be getting her back. She needed some happiness after everything and Domino brought that to her. WWFD, the segment Keifer started a couple of years ago, has collectively garnered almost 500 million views, with each video has over fifty million views. No more thousand dollar royalty checks, we make the big bucks now.
The potential I saw when Keifer handed me the first royalty check is insane. I have enough money saved in my account now that I don’t have to work another day in my life, if I invest and save it correctly. Because of how wildly successful it’s been, I didn’t see the need in finishing off a degree I probably wouldn’t end up using. Thankfully, my family and friends were more than supportive.