“Wise words.” Sam let her fingers drift all the way up Lucy’s forearm. “Sounds like she’s going to go for it.”
“I don’t know. She’s nervous. Afraid it’s going to hurt.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I didn’t.” She pushed off the counter and then came back in slowly. “I would have had to admit I didn’t honestly know. So instead I emphasized that our bodies were designed for all sorts of things—”
“Hold up.” Sam twisted her coffee cup by the handle. “Are you saying…” She let her voice trail off, uncharacteristically shy about finishing the question.
“What?”
“Luce?”
“Sam?” She bit her lower lip coyly. “Is there something you want to know?”
Sam could feel her face getting hot but her desire for the answer won out. “So you’ve never”—she moved her head from side to side—“used, you know, like a strap-on or anything?”
“No.”
She focused her eyes on the ceramic cup twisting it back and forth. “And is that, like, something you might be interested in?” Her attempted nonchalance failed miserably but it didn’t matter. She watched intently as Lucy examined her short fingernails as she answered.
“Honestly, I never considered it before.” She put both hands on the countertop. “It was never really there as an option.” She bit her lip, looking both shy and embarrassed at her admission. “Things with you are different. So if you’re really asking, a hundred percent I’m interested.” They were alone in the store but Lucy spoke low anyway. “I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do with you.” Her shrug was almost playful. “So if you’re up for it, and judging by the look on your face, I’m going to say that’s a yes, let’s do it.” A small delighted sigh escaped her. “I bet it’s going to be unbelievable. I almost can’t wait.”
Sam was so turned on she could barely talk. This day couldn’t get any better. It wasn’t yet three thirty on Tuesday afternoon and she’d already talked Lucy into a Saturday date, and they were discussing ramping up their already hot sex life. She glanced over at the door to the kitchen, contemplating whisking Lucy behind it. Lucy would never let things get out of hand, but she would play along for a little bit. Of that Sam was certain. She stood up to go for it when a string of four customers came in together. They were all dudes, dressed in suits, laughing loudly. Literally cock-blocked, she sat back down with a disheartened thud, but Lucy came bouncing out from behind the counter to offer hugs as she greeted them each by name.
Sam looked on from her perch at the bar as Lucy excitedly asked what they were doing on Staten Island. One of them, clearly the mouthpiece for the group, mentioned a meeting at the detective bureau at one of the police stations. Cops. Sam swiveled more to monitor the exchange, half waiting to be introduced. It didn’t happen though, and she hardly cared. It was nice to see Lucy so animated at seeing her old cronies. Sam watched as her girlfriend happily hooked them up with complimentary coffee and cookies, clearly proud of the business she had cultivated.
They were standing in a semicircle yammering away in cop-speak when the greeting bells jangled and a woman decked in full uniform strolled in with a younger cop who clearly didn’t hold her rank.
“Gentlemen,” she said, saying hello to them as a group.
“Captain.” They addressed her formally, their laughter dying out. Sam idly wondered if Lucy would be so respectful, seeing as she was no longer part of the force. Sam looked to see for herself, but when she assessed Lucy’s reaction, there was neither joviality nor reverence. Only shock.
“Lucy.”
“Dani. Hi.” Lucy stuffed her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. “You got promoted. Congratulations.”
“Thanks.” She twisted her eight-point hat in her hands, looking around. “This is a nice place you have.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ve been meaning to reach out to you.” The officer glanced at the detectives for reference. “I guess you know we had a major case meeting out here today.”
Lucy nodded. “The guys filled me in.”
“Right.”
“Anyway, I was hoping we could talk.” Her tone held hope and her eyes did too. “Privately, perhaps?” she added, as though her intent wasn’t already clear.
Lucy looked over in her direction, but she clearly wasn’t asking permission. Not that she needed to, but it still felt like betrayal when she waved the woman back behind the coffee bar, through the door, and into the kitchen area. Through her anger, Sam listened to the other cops snicker among themselves, making jokes about how some things never changed. One of them turned to her before he passed through the door on his way out. “Hey, tell your boss thanks for the joe.” She wasn’t sure why she nodded in response.
Her blood pressure began its steady incline as the minutes passed and there was no sign of Lucy. She glared at the lackey cop waiting for his boss even though none of whatever was happening was his fault. He must have felt her ire though because he excused himself to wait outside, crossing his arms over his chest as he virtually stood guard in front of the door.
When they finally emerged, Dani first, Lucy just behind her, they were both silent. Lucy stayed behind the counter but the other woman headed straight for the door. Just before she left, she turned and said, “Think about it, Lucy,” before she opened the door and was gone.
Thirty seconds passed and Lucy said nothing. She gave no apology, no explanation. Sam waited until she saw the white-and-blue patrol car pull away before she spoke.
“Are you kidding me?” she asked. When Lucy responded with a blank stare, she controlled the anger in her voice, but just barely. “What was that?”
Lucy took a deep breath and leaned against the prep counter behind her. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”
“Well, that’s good. Because it looks pretty fucking terrible.” She didn’t care that she was being harsh. Lucy’s actions were rude and hurtful. She wanted her to know in addition to taking her by surprise, she’d also upset her. “Care to enlighten me on your private meeting?”
“Calm down, Sam.”
“I think I’m being very calm in light of the situation.” Her pulse was racing. “What the hell, Lucy?”
“It’s not what you think.”
“Fantastic. Because what I think is that Miss Hotshot Cop there”—she pointed sharply toward the door—“is your ex. And I’m pretty sure she was here to get you back.”
Lucy let out a heavy sigh but couldn’t meet her eyes. “It’s not quite that simple.”
“Come on, Luce.” She heard defeat in her tone as she pressed the base of her hands against her forehead. She took a minute to try to gain her composure but she just got angrier. “Fuck, I want to be wrong. I want to believe that my girlfriend would not escort her ex into the back room right in front of my face.” She tapped the base of a fist on the edge of the counter. “I also want to believe there was a real good reason you didn’t bother introducing me to any of your old friends. They think I’m your employee, by the way. That’s an awesome feeling,” she added sarcastically. “You know the worst part?” She stood and started backing away. “I actually believed I was more to you than just some person you’re sleeping with.” She bumped into a chair and almost knocked it over. “I guess not,” she said righting it quickly. “Because that, the way you treated me just now? That’s how you treat a fuck buddy. Believe me, I would know. But let me just say this.” Her hand was on the door handle but she made eye contact from across the room. “Even when I’m away on business, I go out of my way to stay away from my project manager after hours.” She rolled her eyes at her own foolishness. “God, these days, I don’t even go out for drinks with my team, just to avoid any uncomfortable interactions or anything that could be misconstrued as flirting. I do that out of respect for you, Lucy. And you’re not even there.” She shrugged as she stood in the open doorway. “I guess we’re just not on the same page.”
Sam waite
d for a second. Whether she was hoping for Lucy to ask forgiveness or beg her to stay, she wasn’t sure. It hardly mattered, because Lucy said nothing.
*****
It was almost nine. Sam tossed the controls aside and pushed off the leather couch in her parents’ finished basement. She’d purposely let herself fall down the rabbit hole playing Outback Outlaw on her nephews’ gaming system that was hooked up to the gigantic flat screen. The constant shoot-outs made it easier to avoid Lucy’s texts that had been coming through steadily since she left the shop. They were all apologies and were probably heartfelt, Sam thought, even though texting dulled any emotion that might actually be present.
Sam knew this wasn’t an end-of-relationship kind of fight, but she hadn’t yet responded because she was still raw. Only now, hours later, was she finally coming down. She should probably send a message. At least answer one of the texts. Padding across the floor she searched behind her father’s bar hoping for something to take the edge off as she figured out what she wanted to say. She’d tried a beer earlier but couldn’t get past the first sip. Behind the oak bar, the selection was expansive but still nothing appealed. She leaned her elbows against the smooth bar surface and rested her head in her hands. Today sucked.
She heard her phone vibrating across the room, and when she looked over saw that it was Lucy. A phone call. That was…direct. Without taking time to overthink it, she walked over and answered.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” Lucy’s voice was sweet and she sounded relieved Sam had answered. “I’m so sorry, Sam.”
“Luce—”
“Please, listen to me for a second. I know you’re ignoring me. And rightfully so, I guess.”
“I just needed a minute. That’s all.”
“I want to give you as much space or time as you want. Honestly.” She heard a siren in the distance echoing through the phone. “But I need you to know…what you said today, it’s not true.” The siren got louder and sounded close by. “That’s not how I think of you.”
Sam nodded even though Lucy couldn’t see her. “I know.” She sank into the couch and put her feet on the edge of the coffee table.
“You have to believe me.” Lucy sniffled a little and Sam wondered if she was crying. “Can I see you?”
She wanted to say yes and race right over to Lucy’s apartment, kiss her face, forgive her on the spot, but it seemed pathetic. Plus she was wearing beat-up sweats and a worn-out baseball tee. She could use a shower, a change of clothes at the very least. She found her dignity. “I’ll come by in the morning, before I go into the city.”
“I don’t want to wait that long to talk to you.”
She almost caved, but resisted. “We’re talking now.”
“I want to see you. I need you.” There was a pause. “I get it if you don’t want to be with me tonight. You need a break. I respect that. Can I come inside? Or, better yet, just come out for a minute.”
“What?”
“I’m kind of outside your house.”
“You are?” Sam took the stairs in twos, making it to her front door in under thirty seconds. Peering out the glass storm door she caught a glimpse of Lucy’s Nissan Rogue across the street. She pushed the door open, not waiting for an answer. “Come here, park in the driveway.”
Sam ended the call without saying good-bye as Lucy pulled in behind her Tahoe. She opened the passenger door and sat down next to Lucy.
“Sorry I’m a mess,” Lucy said, smoothing her hair back off her face.
Sam fanned over her sweats and tee. “Right there with you.”
“I’m not stalking you, I swear.” Lucy shifted in her seat, and the glow of the gold streetlight framed her beautiful face. She let out a nervous laugh. “Okay, maybe I am a little.” She rubbed her palms against her jeans. “Are you still mad?”
“It’s not that I’m mad.” Sam faced forward, her eyes glued to the back of her truck. Was that a scratch? “I don’t understand why you would treat me like that.” She pressed her head into the headrest and turned to look at Lucy. “You didn’t even introduce me. Not that I really care, but then when your ex came”—she dropped her gaze—“I just felt like a jerk.”
“Babe, I don’t know what I was thinking.” Lucy moved closer in her seat and placed her hand on Sam’s forearm.
“What happened today?” Sam asked.
“It’s not what you think.”
“She’s not your ex?” Sam’s voice was full of disbelief.
“No, she is, but it’s more than that.” She looked out her own window and let out a heavy sigh. “It’s complicated.”
“Luce, you’re here. I’m here. Talk to me.”
“There was a moment”—Lucy’s mouth hung open and she was clearly choked up—“more than a moment, when she could have saved my police career.” She jutted her chin. “She didn’t.”
“Lovely woman.”
“The incident at the police department, the accidental discharge, well, I was with her when it actually happened. I told you I wasn’t in the room where it happened. I was with Dani. She could have admitted that.”
“Why didn’t she?”
“She was off post. There would have been repercussions to her career, for one. Also, she was married.” She tilted her head to the side. “I can’t imagine that would have gone over well at home either.”
“Instead, you lose your job. That’s fair.”
“She apologized today. That’s why she wanted to talk to me. She knows she screwed me over.”
“A little late, no?” Sam’s question was snide and she waited a beat before asking what she really wanted to know. “What else did she say?”
Lucy’s expression told her that she didn’t need to be more specific. She didn’t even try to sugarcoat it. “She’s divorced now.”
“I knew it.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Lucy reached for Sam’s hand. “I’m with you. I told her that.”
Sam raised her eyebrows. “She didn’t seem convinced.”
“That’s just Dani being Dani.” Lucy’s voice was flippant. Sam wondered if she was downplaying their relationship for her sake.
“But you loved her.” It was a question, even though she didn’t phrase it as one.
Lucy smiled and curled her lips. “No, I didn’t.” She tapped the bottom of the steering wheel with one finger. “That might make it worse,” she added. “But it’s the truth.”
“You took her in the back.” Sam crinkled her forehead, knowing her distress was on display. “God, Lucy. It killed me.”
“I know.” She hung her head in defeat. “I was thrown off by all of it. The guys. Dani,” she added. “It’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have done that.” She gripped the steering wheel at ten and two, chewing her cheek. “I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me. I can’t lose you over this.”
“You’re not.” Sam shook her head. “I’m just…it hurt.”
“I never want to hurt you.” She looked at Sam and touched her face, her hands stroking her cheekbones and jaw. “I love you, Sam.” She leaned forward and kissed her gently. “I am sorry. For everything today.”
“I know.”
“Come home with me.” Her finger traced Sam’s lips. “I need to be near you. I want to fall asleep in your arms.”
“Okay.” She didn’t need convincing. She wanted those same things. “Give me ten minutes. I have to go grab a suit and stuff—I have a big presentation tomorrow.” Sam opened the door but Lucy grabbed her forearm.
“Wait.” She looked nervous and her voice caught in her throat. “Can I ask you something?”
Sam pulled the door shut, meeting Lucy’s serious tone. “What’s the matter?”
“You said something today. Earlier. It’s been on my mind all afternoon.”
“What is it?”
Lucy looked down at her short fingernails. “This woman you had a thing with.” She looked out the window. “From your job.” She paused again. “Is she always with you when you’re aw
ay?”
Sam let out a long slow breath. It was a question she wasn’t expecting. “A lot, yeah.” She thought about it for a second. “Not always. But probably ninety percent of the time, these days.”
“Ouch.”
“Babe, there is nothing there. Trust me.”
“I know. You don’t owe me an explanation.”
Sam reached across the center console and took Lucy’s hand. “I’ll give you one, though.” She rolled her head against the headrest searching for the best way to put it. “It has nothing to do with anything other than we work well together. We have good click. Professionally, I mean.”
“Stop.” She squeezed Sam’s hand. “I trust you.”
“You should.” Sam rubbed Lucy’s hand with her own. “There was never anything there. The thing with me and—”
Lucy put her hand up stopping the conversation. “No. I don’t want to know. I can’t.” She waved both hands frantically. “I can’t know the details. I’ll harp on them.” She whooshed her hands through her hair. “Let’s just leave it alone.” She blinked long and hard. “I know myself. If I know too much, just trust me, I won’t let it go.” She turned, looked right at Sam, and frowned pathetically. “It’s a character flaw.”
“It’s okay.” Sam let out a half laugh.
“I probably sound crazy. Look, I know you’ve had a life before me. I get that. I just don’t need to know the specifics. God, I have no idea how Lexi does it.”
“What do you mean?”
Lucy shook her head. “Being with Jesse. Seeing Mary around all the time and knowing they were together. You know, like that.” She widened her eyes. “Like the way she is now with Jesse. I couldn’t do it. No way.”
“I’m surprised you know that story.”
“Lexi and I talk. She really went out of her way to include me when I moved here. Make me feel part of the community.” Lucy’s face softened at the recent nostalgia. “She knew my story, a lot of it anyway. I filled in the gaps for her.” Her mouth twisted to the side in a small smile. “She confided in me too. Probably just to make me feel comfortable.”
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