by Nick Harris
With wide eyes, she answered: ‘How many times?’
What’s the difference between a businessman and a warm dog?
– The businessman wears a suit, the dog just pants.
A man was passing a pet shop when he saw a talking monkey advertised for sale. He was so impressed by its extensive vocabulary that he bought it on the spot.
That evening he took it to his local bar and bet everyone twenty dollars that the monkey could talk. Nine people accepted the challenge but despite its new owner’s coaxing and prompting, the monkey refused to say a word and the man had to pay up. When he got it home, the man was puzzled to hear the monkey talking freely.
The next evening, the man returned to the bar and bet everyone thirty dollars that the monkey could talk. Again there were plenty of takers but, to the man’s fury, the monkey remained silent. After paying up, the man took the monkey outside.
‘I’m taking you back to the shop,’ he raged. ‘You’re a complete waste of money!’
‘Calm down,’ said the monkey. ‘Think of the odds we’ll get tomorrow.’
Why do brown bears have fur coats?
– Because they’d look silly in anoraks.
A Jack Russell terrier went to the job centre. He said to the clerk: ‘I’m looking for work.’
‘Amazing!’ said the clerk. ‘A talking dog! I’ll fix you up with a job in no time.’
After making a quick phone call, the clerk handed the dog a piece of paper and said: ‘There you go. You start at the circus on Monday.’
‘That’s no use to me,’ protested the dog. ‘I’m a plumber.’
A US tourist guide was addressing a group of holidaymakers about the dangers of hiking in grizzly bear territory. He warned: ‘Most encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in the hope of viewing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble upon bears. The surprise can be disastrous. To avoid this, we recommend that hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. Finally, you should exercise caution when you spot telltale signs of bears in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings.’
One tourist asked: ‘How do you identify bear droppings?’
‘Easy,’ explained the guide. ‘They’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!’
An adult hedgehog was teaching two young hedgehogs how to cross the road without getting killed. He said: ‘If you’re in the middle of the road when a car comes along, just curl up into a ball and the vehicle’s wheels will pass harmlessly either side of you. It’s simple.’
To illustrate his point, the adult hedgehog then walked out into the middle of the road and as soon as a car appeared, he curled up into a ball. Just as he had predicted, the car’s wheels passed by, leaving him unscathed.
Next, one of the younger hedgehogs tried it. He walked into the path of an oncoming car, curled up into a ball, and the car’s wheels passed by, leaving him undamaged.
Finally the third hedgehog had a go. He walked to the centre of the road and curled up into a ball as a car approached. The car passed over it and squashed the hedgehog flat.
‘What did he do wrong?’ cried the second hedgehog.
‘Nothing,’ said the adult hedgehog. ‘He was just unlucky that a Reliant Robin came along.’
An explorer in the jungle saw a monkey with a tin opener. He called out to the monkey: ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’
‘I know,’ replied the monkey. ‘I’m not stupid. This is for the custard.’
The zoo owner told the new keeper: ‘You idiot! You left the door of the lions’ cage open all night!’
‘What’s the problem?’ said the keeper. ‘Who’s going to steal a lion?’
A keen duck hunter was looking to buy a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that was able to walk on water in order to retrieve a duck. Amazed by his discovery, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try and break the news to a friend, an eternal pessimist who was never impressed by anything. In the hope that even he would be impressed by a dog that could walk on water, the pessimist was invited to join the hunter and his dog on a trip to the country. However the hunter deliberately refrained from mentioning the dog’s special talent – he wanted his friend to see for himself.
The two men and the dog made their way to a good hunting lake and as they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew overhead. The men fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water, but instead of sinking, it walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than its paws wet. This continued throughout the day. Each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist carefully watched everything, but did not say a word. Then on the drive home, the hunter casually asked his friend: ‘Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?’
‘I certainly did,’ replied the pessimist. ‘He can’t swim.’
What kind of monkey can fly?
– A hot air baboon.
Two dog owners were talking in the park. One said: ‘I’m sick of my dog. The trouble is he’ll chase anyone on a bike.’
‘What are you going to do?’ asked the other. ‘Have him put down?’
‘No, I think I’ll just take his bike away.’
Things You Can Learn From Your Dog
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it’s in your best interest, practise obedience.
Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Enjoy the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm, but stop when you have had enough.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
Two slugs were slithering along the pavement. As they rounded a corner, they found themselves stuck behind two snails.
‘Oh, no!’ groaned one of the slugs. ‘Caravans!’
What’s worse than a bull in a china shop?
– A hedgehog in a condom factory.
A zoo had acquired a rare species of gorilla but although the female was in season, they had no male gorilla to mate with her. In desperation they asked one of the keepers whether he would be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred dollars. The keeper asked for a little time to think about the idea.
The following morning, he went back to the zoo bosses with his answer. ‘I’ll agree to have sex with the gorilla,’ he said, ‘but on three conditions. First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.’
‘Yes, that’s all fine,’ said the zoo bosses. ‘What is your third condition?’
The keeper said: ‘You’ll have to give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.’
A man hated his wife’s cat so much that he decided to get rid of it by driving it twenty blocks from home and dumping it. But as he returned home, he saw the cat wandering up the driveway.
So he drove the cat thirty blocks away and dumped it, but when he arrived back home, the cat was waiting for him on the front step.
In desperation he drove the cat fifty miles out into the country and left it in the middle of a forest.
Four hours later, his wife answered the phone at home. It was her husband. ‘Honey,’ he asked, ‘is the cat there?’
‘Yes,’ said the wife. ‘Why?’
‘Just put him on the line, please. I need directions.’
A woman saw a newspaper advert that offered a pure-bred police dog for sale for twenty-five dollars. Th
inking it a bargain, she rang the number and bought the dog. But when the owner delivered it, she found that she had bought nothing but a mangy-looking mongrel.
She told the owner: ‘How can you possibly call that scruffy mutt a pure-bred police dog?’
‘Don’t let his looks deceive you,’ said the owner. ‘He’s working undercover.’
A baby camel turned to his father and said: ‘Dad, why do we have humps on our back?’
‘Well, son,’ replied the father, ‘our humps contain the fat needed to sustain us through all the days when we’re out in the desert.’
‘Oh, right,’ said the baby camel. ‘Dad, why do we have long eyelashes?’
‘They’re to protect our eyes from the sandstorms that rage in the desert.’
‘I understand. Dad, why do we have big padded feet?’
‘Because the sand in the desert is very soft and we need big feet so that we can walk on the sand without sinking.’
‘Thanks, Dad. I get it now. Just one more question: what are we doing in the city zoo?’
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
– Because they’ve got two left feet.
A man was driving along the road when a cat ran out in front of his car. Unable to stop in time, he ran over the cat and killed it. Feeling guilty, he looked at the address on the cat’s collar and set off to relay the sad news to the animal’s owner.
A little old lady answered the door.
‘I’m very sorry,’ said the man, ‘but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it.’
‘Sure,’ said the old lady. ‘How are you at catching mice?’
A cash-strapped zoo was desperate for a major attraction to boost falling visitor numbers. Unable to afford any new animals, the zoo manager persuaded a visitor to dress up in a gorilla costume and masquerade as a great ape.
The deception worked well as the man threw himself into the role with great enthusiasm, devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, prowling his cage menacingly and beating his chest with vigour. But then one day, he went too far and accidentally fell into the lion enclosure next door.
‘Help! Help!’ cried the bogus gorilla.
The lion let out a tremendous roar, then rushed at him, put his paw on the gorilla’s chest and growled: ‘Shut up, or we’ll both lose our jobs!’
An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong. And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.
It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite passive, the explorer thought he would take a chance and reach through the bars to touch him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest and with an awesome display of strength, burst through the bars of his cage.
As the explorer ran for his life, King Kong set off in hot pursuit. Instinctively the explorer headed for the heart of the jungle, hoping that he might be able to hide from his manic pursuer, but wherever he tried to conceal himself, King Kong always managed to find him.
As night began to fall, the explorer prayed that he would be able to lose the gorilla in the darkness but no matter how fast he ran, the sound of King Kong’s pounding footsteps was only ever about fifty yards behind.
For three long days and nights, the explorer ran through Africa with King Kong always close behind, occasionally letting out a menacing roar from his vast throat. Eventually the explorer reached the west coast. There were no ships in sight for an easy escape, so he realized the only option was to dive into the sea and hope that King Kong couldn’t swim. But to his horror, the gorilla jumped in straight after him and demonstrated an excellent front crawl.
On and on they swam across the Atlantic – rarely separated by more than thirty yards – until four months later the weary explorer arrived in Brazil. He scrambled ashore with as much energy as he could muster, only to see the mighty King Kong right behind him, still beating his chest ferociously and with steam billowing from his nostrils. Through the streets of Rio they stumbled, explorer and ape equally exhausted, until the explorer took a wrong turn and ended up down a dead end, his escape barred by a twenty-foot-high wall.
With nowhere left to run, he sank to his knees in despair and pleaded to King Kong: ‘Do whatever you want with me. Kill me, eat me, do what you like, but make it quick. Just put me out of my misery.’
King Kong slowly stalked over to the cowering explorer, prodded him with a giant paw and bellowed with a terrifying roar: ‘You’re it!’
Army, Navy and Air Force
An army sergeant was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late back to camp following leave. As he waited impatiently at the barracks gates, one man finally ran up to him, panting heavily.
‘Sorry, sir, I can explain. You see, I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm and bought a horse but it dropped dead. In the end I had to run ten miles, and now I’m here!’
The sergeant was highly sceptical about this explanation, but at least the soldier had made it back eventually, so he let him off this time. A couple of minutes later, eight more of his men ran up to the sergeant, panting. He asked them why they were late. Each told the same story.
‘Sorry, sir. I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm and bought a horse but it dropped dead. In the end I had to run ten miles, and now I’m here!’
The sergeant eyed them suspiciously but since he had let the first man go, he decided that it was only fair to excuse them, too. A few minutes later, the tenth and last soldier ran up to him, panting heavily.
‘Sorry, sir. I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but . . .’
‘Let me guess,’ interrupted the sergeant. ‘It broke down.’
‘No, sir. There were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get round them.’
Through the night sky, a navy captain was able to make out a light dead ahead on collision course with his ship. He immediately sent a signal: ‘Change your course ten degrees east.’
The mystery light signalled back: ‘Change yours ten degrees west.’
Angered by this, the captain sent another signal: ‘I’m a navy captain. Change your course, sir!’
The signal came back: ‘I’m a seaman, second class. Change your course, sir!’
Furious at such insubordination, the captain sent another signal: ‘I’m a battleship – I’m not changing course.’
The reply came back: ‘And I’m a lighthouse.’
A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle.
‘Somehow we must get help,’ said the king.
‘I know, sire,’ said the leader of his army, ‘but we have no horses. If a knight sets off on foot, he will be slain at once.’
‘Is there not another animal he can ride?’ suggested the king. ‘What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man.’
‘No, no,’ pleaded the army leader. ‘The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.’
A naval admiral and an Army general were fishing together on a lake when a storm blew up and capsized their boat. Both men were left floundering helplessly in the water. Eventually the general managed to right the boat and clamber into it. He then rescued the admiral from drowning by getting him to hang onto an oar.
As the admiral was dragged into the boat, he puffed: ‘Please don’t say a word to anyone about this. If the Navy knew I couldn’t swim, I’d
be disgraced.’
‘Don’t worry,’ said the general. ‘Your secret is safe with me. I’d hate my men to find out that I couldn’t walk on water.’
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: ‘Jenkins, I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning!’
The soldier replied: ‘Thank you very much, sir.’
An old sea captain was quizzing a young naval student. The captain said: ‘What steps would you take if you were out at sea and a sudden storm came up on the starboard?’
‘I’d throw out an anchor, sir,’ replied the student.
‘What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?’
‘I’d throw out another anchor, sir.’
‘But what if a third storm sprang up forward?’
‘I’d throw out another anchor, captain.’
‘Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?’
‘From the same place you’re getting all your storms, sir.’