Most of All You

by Mia Sheridan

  “Ellie, I wanted to let you know about something.”

  My eyes snapped to Gabriel’s at the seriousness in his tone. “Okay.”

  “Before you came here, I made plans with a graduate student at the University of Vermont to interview me for her thesis paper. She arrives in Morlea tomorrow.”

  I tilted my head, my brow furrowing in question. “Thesis paper?”

  Gabriel nodded. “Yeah, it’s about abducted children who subsequently escaped or were rescued.”

  “Oh.” I swallowed. “Well that sounds … hard. Will it be? I mean will it be hard for you?” I shivered to think about what it’d be like to answer in-depth questions about the worst parts of my own life. I always tried not to think about the things that had hurt me.

  He stopped working for a moment as if he was taking a few seconds to really consider my question. “I don’t think so, no. I don’t often talk about what happened to me, but I don’t find it distressing anymore, either.”

  I frowned again, watching him. How in the world had he come to a place where he wasn’t distressed by the memory of being locked in a basement for six years and tortured in heinous ways I didn’t even want to know about? How had he managed that?

  His wise, sensitive, beautiful eyes met mine. “It’s closeness I struggle with. As you know.”

  “Oh, yes,” I said softly, feeling suddenly … honored that I might be the only woman on earth who did know that. It felt like a … secret, something personal and private that I alone knew about this man. It made me feel warm and trusted. And I remembered, too, how I had abused that trust, how I’d sent Rita in when he was expecting me. Shame rose up within me, heating my cheeks and making me feel suddenly weak with remorse. “Gabriel …”

  His hands stilled and he looked over at me with concern. “What is it?”

  I picked at my fingernails for a moment, gathering the words I needed to say. The words that were overdue. “I’m sorry.” It came out as a hoarse whisper, and I blinked up at him. “For what I did at the club … I’m sorry.”

  His eyes ran over my face, down to where my hands still fidgeted and back up to my eyes. “I forgive you.”

  I tilted my head, my hands ceasing in their pick, pick, picking. “Why?” I whispered.

  His smile was slight, sort of sad. “Because what you did hurt me … but I think it hurt you, too.”

  I let out a quick rush of breath, the truth of his words running through me. God, yes, it had. How had he known? Still, it wasn’t about me. I’d caused him pain on purpose, and any hurt I felt because of it was well deserved. I shook my head slightly, not able to decide whether I was glad he’d forgiven me or not, wanting to change the subject back to what we’d been talking about. The interview. I cleared my throat. “Well, anyway, it’s nice of you to grant that interview. Sounds like a worthy cause. A contribution to … um, education and all.”

  He stared at me for a few heartbeats before smiling slightly again and looking back to William, his hands moving over the cherub’s curls. “I told you about it because I arranged it with her to come here to my house so I’m available if you need me.”

  “Oh, you really didn’t have to—”

  “I wanted to. But I also wanted to let you know in advance so you know what’s going on.”

  “Thank you.” It was his house, so he didn’t owe me that. I knew I was disrupting his life in any number of ways, and yet he was so kind and flexible. Why? It was the one question I kept coming back to and didn’t want to ask because I wasn’t sure how the answer would affect me. “I should be able to move back home in a couple of days—”

  Gabriel stopped working again, tilting his head. “Why would you, Ellie? Why would you want to manage three flights of steps and an empty apartment where no one could help you if you needed it? You’re still healing. It’s only been two weeks.”

  “I don’t want to be dependent on you,” I mumbled.

  Gabriel sighed. “Is it really so bad?”

  I opened my mouth to say something, when the sound of a vehicle approaching his house dried up the words on my lips. Gabriel put his tools down and removed his gloves slowly. His back suddenly looked stiff, and I wondered if I was imagining it. Whoever it was pulled out of sight of the open garage, and I heard the engine turn off. Gabriel walked outside to meet the person whose footsteps I heard in the gravel.

  “Dom,” I heard Gabriel say. Gabriel’s brother was home.

  “Hey, bro.”

  “How were the fish?”

  “Biting. I brought a cooler full back. Fish fry later?”

  They both walked into the light of the open door, Gabriel and a man that looked a little bit like him, although not as much as I’d imagined. He was darker haired and not quite as broad. He was good-looking but definitely didn’t have Gabriel’s stunning brand of handsome. He halted when he saw me, giving me a narrow-eyed look.

  Gabriel’s jaw looked rigid. “Dominic, this is Ellie.” He was gazing at him with a warning look.

  Dominic appeared confused for a moment. “I thought you said her name was Crystal.”

  My eyes darted back and forth between the two of them, trying to figure out what was going on. Gabriel had obviously told his brother about me. Told him I was coming here. Was that why he’d been gone?

  “Crystal’s my stage name,” I supplied quietly, half of me hoping Gabriel had told him what I did so I didn’t have to, and the other half hoping he didn’t know.

  His expression was so disdainful, I was tempted to look away, but I didn’t. He obviously knew very well what I did. Finally he muttered, “Ellie,” his inflection clearly hostile.

  I cringed inside to hear my real name in his disapproving voice. I plastered an unaffected smile on my face, the one I’d perfected so long ago. For some reason, it was difficult to muster. It’d only been two weeks, and I was already out of practice. I felt twitchy and self-conscious just like I’d been at the start of every school year when I’d shown up in my old, ugly clothes and too-small shoes, some years with a bruise I’d covered as best I could. My cold detachment had always been my armor, and now I felt as if I’d misplaced it somehow. I wanted it back. Needed it back.

  “Dominic. It’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry for not getting up.” I pointed to my cast and gave him a small quirk of my lips.

  Dominic grunted, turning to Gabriel. “I’m going to go unpack my gear.” He turned and left without another word, walking through the garage door that led into the house.

  Gabriel let out a ragged breath and ran his hands through his hair. He looked back at me, obviously weighing what to say.

  “He’s not happy I’m here,” I said so he didn’t have to.

  He huffed out a small sigh. “Dom’s … protective of me. He thinks he’s looking out for my welfare.”

  “He’s not happy you’re keeping company with a stripper.” I hated the wave of shame that enveloped me. Had I forgotten that’s what I was? How stupid.

  Gabriel walked around my lounge chair and took a seat on the edge. Close. So close. He took a deep breath and picked up my hands in his. My eyes moved down to where our fingers were laced, my heart skipping a beat. His hands trembled very slightly, but he was relaxed, the look on his face determined. Oh, Gabriel.

  “Ellie, he doesn’t know you. He’ll come around.”

  I snorted. “Once he gets to know my charming personality, you mean?”

  He grinned and my stupid heart skipped yet another beat. At this rate I’d go into arrhythmia. “Yes.” It was only one word, but he said it with so much conviction.

  I startled myself by laughing softly. “You’re … God, I don’t even know what you are.” I laid my head back on the lounge chair. “It’s not fair for me to be here if it makes him uncomfortable. This is his home.”

  He squeezed my hands gently. “This is my home. I own it. And I’ve been thinking lately that maybe my brother and I could use some space anyway.”

  “Not because of me.”

  He sh
ook his head. “No, actually, not at all because of you. But if he doesn’t welcome one of my guests, then it’s just another reason.” He let go of my hands and stood up. I felt the loss of his warm body next to mine, his tender grip. He went back to work, focusing on William, but his expression remained tense.

  * * *

  The next day, Chloe Bryant arrived. I’d gone to bed early the night before, thinking it best to give Dom and Gabriel some time together without me there. I’d been becoming more comfortable in Gabriel’s home, but now I felt strange and uneasy again—as if I didn’t belong. Technically I didn’t and never would. Despite Gabriel’s best efforts to make me feel otherwise, frankly, I agreed with Dominic. I wasn’t the type of friend Gabriel needed in his life. Me, a stripper who had nothing at all to offer. Me, a girl who had only taken from him, and had no hope of ever offering anything in return. Me.

  I’d spent the early morning with Gabriel as usual since apparently Dominic didn’t wake until right before he had to be at work. He left while I was showering, and I was happy I wouldn’t have to see him until later that evening. Maybe I could just avoid him completely until I was well enough to leave.

  I was limping out of my bedroom when the doorbell rang. Gabriel came out of the kitchen, shooting me a quick smile before he went to answer the door. He pulled it open and a young woman was standing there. Her smile was instantaneous.

  “Gabriel?”

  “Yes, hi, Chloe.” When he stepped back to allow her entrance, she practically bounced in, petite and pretty with brown curls and a dimple in one cheek.

  “It’s so great to meet you in person.” Her smile—impossibly—widened even more. “God, this area is gorgeous. And your home …” She looked up and around as Gabriel closed the door. “It’s breathtaking.”

  As she continued to look around, her eyes caught on me where I was standing, practically behind a lamp. “Oh, hi,” she said brightly, walking toward me. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

  I limped forward, trying my best not to look like the pitiful creature I actually was.

  “Chloe, this is Ellie,” Gabriel said from behind her.

  As she approached, her smile wilted. “Oh my goodness, were you in an accident? You poor thing. What happened? Are you okay?”

  I smiled a small smile. This girl was like a whirlwind. “I’m fine, thank you. An accident, yes.” I cleared my throat, hoping she wouldn’t ask any more questions.

  Her face crumpled into distress. “Oh, that’s awful. Let me help you to a chair.”

  “Oh, I’m okay, really. I’ve been sitting all morning. I know you and Gabriel have some business to get to. I was just going to make lunch and I’ll be out of your way.”

  Gabriel came up next to Chloe, his smile relaxed. “Are you going to be okay while we talk?”

  “Of course, yes.” There was another knock at the door and we all turned, Gabriel’s brow furrowing slightly.

  “I’m not sure who that could be,” he muttered. “Excuse me.” He pulled the door open and Kayla was standing there. She was wearing a tiny pair of booty shorts, a tight, sheer tank top that clearly showed her black bra beneath, and a pair of hot-pink heels. The polar opposite of the sweet, wholesome girl who had just entered Gabriel’s house minutes before wearing a modest yellow sundress and a pair of low-heeled navy sandals.

  “Hey, Gabe,” she greeted. I limped forward and her eyes turned to me. “Hey, Crystal.” She smiled, but as I got closer, I saw she looked haggard, and I could clearly see she’d lost some weight.

  “Hi, Kay.”

  She came in and Gabriel closed the door. “We’ll just go in my room so we don’t disturb you,” I said to Gabriel, taking Kayla’s arm. He nodded and I smiled at Chloe. She had a small, confused look on her face, but returned my smile as we passed her.

  I led Kayla to my room, hearing Gabriel ask Chloe if she wanted anything to drink before I closed the door behind us.

  I propped my crutches against the wall, taking a seat on the bed. Kayla sat at the end, bringing one leg up underneath her. “Sorry I haven’t been visiting more. Things have been crazy. We’ve all been working extra shifts since you’ve been gone.”

  “That’s okay. You’ve been a good friend to me, Kayla, and I appreciate it. How is everything?”

  She sighed. “Oh, all right. You know, the usual. Blew a tire out on my car and had to get that fixed.” The mention of her car reminded me that mine was still in the shop, presumably fixed but unpaid for, unclaimed. I should call Ricky, but I’d shut out my real life since I’d been here. I hadn’t wanted to think about it, hadn’t wanted to consider the myriad of dilemmas I was going to face when I was well again.

  “At least being extra busy has helped me shed a few pounds,” Kayla said.

  “I noticed. You look good, just make sure you’re taking care of yourself, okay?”

  She nodded. “I will.”

  Out in the living room, I heard the peal of Chloe’s laughter followed by Gabriel’s masculine chuckle. My stomach tightened in discomfort, and I adjusted myself on the bed. Good grief, was I jealous? My God, I was. I was jealous at the easy conversation Gabriel and Chloe were obviously having in the other room. I heard him say something, his voice rising and falling with a sort of vibrant enthusiasm I’d never heard. That’s because being around me was depressing and morose. I provided nothing more than dull, dreary conversation and awkward confessions. Good Lord.

  “You all right, honey?” My thoughts must have been reflected on my face because Kayla was looking at me with concern.

  I released a loud breath. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just get … you know, pains.” I ran a hand across my ribs as if that were the place causing me hurt.

  Kayla nodded in sympathy. “I was so relieved to hear about the arrests. They called Rodney and he told us. Some of the girls were worried they might come back.”

  I shook my head. “No, it was personal.”

  Kayla tilted her head. “Yeah, I guess. I heard they’re out already, though. You worried?”

  I met her eyes. As a courtesy, the detective had called to let me know the three men had made bail. I’d received the news with a numb sort of acceptance, the detective reassuring me that it was in their interest to be on their very best behavior. I’d need to testify at the trial once a date was set, but I wasn’t going to think about that just now. “Am I worried that they’ll try to find me?” I shook my head. “No. I haven’t thought about that.” I chewed at my lip. “I feel …safe here.”

  She nodded. “I would, too. It’s real nice. Nicest house I’ve ever seen. And there’d be no way for them to find you here. Even if they wanted to. Which would only make things worse for them.”

  “Yeah.” I studied my nails as I heard another ring of laughter from Chloe.

  “He’s treating you well, Crys?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, he treats me really well. Better than I deserve, Kay.”

  She smiled at me. “Nah, I think he’s just what you deserve.” I smiled, even knowing how wrong she was.

  Kayla stayed for another hour or so. We chatted about what had been going on at the Platinum Pearl, what had been going on in Kayla’s life, some gossip about the other girls. I had one ear tuned to her and one ear tuned to the other room, where the hum of Gabriel and Chloe’s conversation continued. I wondered what they were talking about, wondered if she’d started interviewing him, or if they were just getting to know each other. From what I could hear, it sounded like they were chatting casually. I was grateful Kayla had arrived when she did. If not for her, I’d surely be standing at the door listening like a stalker.

  I picked up my crutches and walked—well, limped—Kayla out of my room, and when we entered the living area, Chloe was standing, too, obviously getting ready to leave. She was smiling brightly, and Gabriel was just finishing a sentence, the expression on his face open and happy. Jealousy overcame me again, but I stuffed it down. He’s not mine.

  Kayla gave them both a small wave as we mo
ved past, and I hugged her goodbye at the door. When I came back in, Chloe was walking toward me. “Ellie, it was so nice to meet you. I’ll be back tomorrow so I’ll see you then.”

  “Oh, okay. I’ll, um, see you then. Nice to meet you, too.”

  “Bye, Gabriel.” She smiled at him, and it was tender and full of undeniable affection. I looked away, feeling like I was intruding on a personal moment.

  “Bye, Chloe. See you tomorrow.”

  He held the door open for her as she passed through, turning and giving us both a small wave before Gabriel shut the door behind her. We stood awkwardly for a second before Gabriel smiled at me in that sweetly bashful way of his.

  “It seemed like it went well?” I asked.

  “Yeah, it did.” There was happiness in his voice, and it caused a tightening in my chest.

  “Good,” I said, clearing my throat when the word came out sounding hoarse. “I, uh, I need to take my medication and then I’m going to take a nap.”

  “Okay. You all right? Your visit with Kayla was good?”

  “Yeah, yeah, it was good.” I turned and limped toward my room, wanting to be alone, wanting to turn off the emotions running rampant inside of me because I didn’t understand them. Gabriel Dalton was way beyond my league, and I would never have anything lasting with someone like him anyway. Sweet, gentle men like Gabriel Dalton ended up with pretty, respectable girls like Chloe Bryant. And girls like me ended up alone.

  * * *

  I awoke to a quiet house and tears streaming down my cheeks. I looked frantically around the darkened room, trying to get my bearings.

  You’re going the wrong way. You must turn back, sweetness.

  The words echoed in my mind, the memory of my mother’s voice causing both grief and joy to crash through me. I hiccupped, bringing myself to a sitting position.

  Why did I keep hearing her voice? Why did I keep having that dream? God, it made me feel desperate and lonely.

  I pulled myself out of bed and used the bathroom, still hiccupping on the way out. I needed a glass of water. The clock on my bedside table read ten p.m. I opened my door as quietly as possible and listened but didn’t hear any sounds coming from the house. Were Dominic and Gabriel sleeping? I’d make a quick trip to the kitchen and then go right back to my room. I’d been successful at avoiding Dominic around the house, and I wanted to keep it that way.