by Mia Sheridan
I’d once been hardened against scorn, but suddenly Dominic’s contempt somehow brought up every hurt I’d ever suffered, and I had no armor to protect myself from the memories. I was completely raw. When Dominic glared at me as if I were trash, the names I’d been called when I was a stripper repeated loudly in my mind—trashy whore, cheap slut, piece of ass. And it went deeper, too, to places my mind hadn’t traveled in years—dark, painful places I didn’t ever want to go again.
And yet, when Dominic turned away rather than look at me, I couldn’t help recalling the way it’d hurt so deeply when I’d see girls at school hand out invitations to all the other girls in class except me, the way I’d tried so hard to brush it off, to pretend it didn’t matter. How I’d secretly longed to be included, to be liked, how it was a deep ache in the pit of my stomach that never seemed to go away.
The memory itself made me feel self-conscious and ugly all over again. It made me remember how I’d wondered if it was my threadbare, too-small clothes that made them ignore me, or if it was the fact that I was self-conscious and shy, unwilling to approach them first. Or worst of all, could they see I was unloved and unwanted by the person who was supposed to love me unconditionally, and so were unwilling to take a chance on someone who couldn’t even win a parent’s approval?
I remembered dreaming that someday someone would invite me to a party, and I’d go and everyone would like me, and I’d suddenly have friends and life wouldn’t feel so painful all the time.
I went through whole scenarios as I walked home from school, my imaginings my only company. And suddenly I worried—if I was ever invited to a party, how would I get the money to buy a gift? I couldn’t show up empty-handed. And so one night when my father was passed out on the couch, I stole five dollars out of his wallet and used the money to buy a small makeup kit at CVS. I would take that makeup kit out and look at it sometimes, and it was like a small fire that I kept burning inside, the symbol of my girlish hope that one day I’d be included. That one day I’d be loved.
And then my father’s friend Cory had done what he did. Afterward, I’d crawled out of bed in searing pain, still smelling like him—like sweat and beer—and I’d taken that makeup kit out of the drawer where I’d kept it. I’d sat down in front of my mirror and opened that kit and smeared the makeup across my face, caked it on my eyelids and cheeks and across my mouth so I looked like the ugly, garish, sorrowful clown I felt like inside. I’d stared at myself that way for a long, long time until I was too tired to stay awake anymore and then I’d gone back to bed, not caring in the least that there was blood smeared on my sheets and makeup smudged across my pillow. And, oh God, the memory tore through me like a red-hot knife. It made me want to scream and fall to my knees. I didn’t want to remember those things. I wanted to push them away, forget all about them, but mostly I just didn’t want to feel the emotions they invoked. I didn’t feel strong enough.
I was tempted to stand slightly behind Gabriel as we walked through the world so he would shield me from the things I imagined might hurt me. My knight in shining armor. And, maybe, I thought, that was what love was supposed to do—peel your layers back and uncover all your tender spots so they, too, could be healed. The problem was, I didn’t know how to go about doing that. And so instead of healing, I remained peeled back and bleeding.
I came into his studio one chilly afternoon, pulling my sweater tight. A gust of wind followed me, and I pushed the door shut, laughing as I turned to him. “God, it’s cold out there all of a sudden.”
Gabriel turned his head, his hands still moving over the piece he was working on. “We’ll have to light the fireplace tonight.”
I nodded, taking a seat in the chair where I usually sat, and watched him work for a few minutes, watched his gentle, skillful hands move over the stone, hands that had now moved over me in much the same way.
It was different watching his hands work now than when I’d watched him reveal William. Then, I’d only wondered what they might feel like. Now I knew and it filled me with a shivery happiness to watch him work.
I glanced over to the shelf where William sat, and he wasn’t there. I frowned. “Gabriel, where’s William?”
Gabriel stopped his work and looked at me. “Oh, he got picked up by the shipping company this morning. They were ready for him. I guess the museum exterior’s almost complete.”
A painful shock caused me to go rigid, and ice water poured through my veins. “You didn’t tell me.”
Gabriel was looking at me strangely. “You were in town, picking up that stuff for George … Ellie, are you okay?” He started walking toward me.
A loss so intense it scared me had settled in the pit of my stomach. I wrapped my arms around myself, attempting to hold the emotions at bay. Oh God, this was ridiculous. It was just a statue … just …
“Hey,” Gabriel said gently as he pulled me from my chair, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d take it like this. I’m sorry.”
I melted into him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my face into his chest, inhaling his scent—comfort, calm—and shaking my head. “No, I’m … I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I don’t know why …”
He leaned back and held me away so he could look in my eyes, so much understanding in his, as if he knew just how I felt. He always did. “I should have let you say goodbye. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head again, attempting a smile. “No, I’m being ridiculous. I guess … I just … I fell in love with you while William …” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Came to life? Was born? Did I think of William as a child of some sort? The physical representation of my love for Gabriel? I took a deep breath. “I fell in love with you while you created William. He was special to me.” I attempted another laugh, and this time it sounded more natural, though the lump in my throat was still there.
“You love me?” His voice was full of warm wonder.
I blinked. “God, you don’t know?”
He smiled, so happily and just a little bit shyly, and my heart turned over. I felt ashamed as I realized I’d never said the words, even through all the nights he made love to me and held me in his arms as my heart burned with love for him. “I … hoped. But it’s nice to hear the words.”
I pulled him close. “Oh, Gabriel, I love you. I love you so much.” It almost shocked me to know I hadn’t said the words, but as I held him I realized that I’d held back not because I didn’t know I loved him, but because the words didn’t seem big enough for what I felt. I worship you? I admire you? I need you? I depend on you? How did you mix all of that up and express it with only three small words? Wasn’t love supposed to be peaceful and calming? And yet my love for Gabriel felt … desperate.
He kissed me, surrounded by all his beautiful things, the creations of his heart, and joy and loss and uncertainty mingled in mine. Love wasn’t supposed to feel desperate. Was it? Was I so flawed that I couldn’t even love right?
“I think we’ll have to go visit William and tell him the big news,” he said teasingly.
I sniffled and laughed, blinking so the tears gathered in my eyes wouldn’t fall. “In France?”
“Why not?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, maybe someday.” I just wanted William here. With me. Where I could look at him whenever I wanted. “Anyway, I think he knows. I think he was the first to know.”
“Ah, Ellie,” Gabriel breathed. “I love you.”
We stood that way for a while until I felt better in the warm strength of his arms. “In the meantime, I’ll have them send me a picture when he’s mounted in his spot, okay?”
I nodded but inside, pain welled up in me again. I didn’t want to picture William there. And though it was irrational, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was lonely. “Okay.”
“Okay,” he whispered, leaning forward and kissing my eyelids, my nose, my lips until I breathed out a small laugh.
I collected myself, and when Gabriel
returned to his work, he glanced up and said, “There’s this fall festival in town every year. You know, bobbing for apples, hayrides, that kind of thing.” He looked back down at his work for a moment. “It’s this weekend. I was thinking you might want to go?” He paused and then said, “You know we talked about me working a little harder with the people in town. I was thinking this might be a start.”
I tilted my head. “I think it’s a good idea. I’d love to go.”
His smile was slight. “Okay, good.” He paused again and his brow creased. I waited for him to speak. “There was an article about Wyatt Geller in the paper this morning. My name was mentioned.”
I blinked. “Mentioned how?”
He shook his head. “Just that I’d been questioned—that there were some similarities in my case and his.”
He made it sound as if it was nothing, but I wondered again if the police would have been as hostile with him if he wasn’t also connected to the Platinum Pearl. To me. I was silent as I considered that, my stomach sinking. I shook my head. God, some part of him must regret the day he ever stepped foot into the Platinum Pearl. Would my relationship with him cause him more problems? Would his already shaky standing in the community get worse, not better, because of his association with me? I picked at my fingernails, a frown creasing my forehead.
“Don’t,” Gabriel said.
I snapped my eyes to his. “Don’t what?”
“Whatever you’re thinking right now, stop it.”
I blew out a breath, a piece of hair flying away from my face. I couldn’t help the small smile that came to my lips. “How did you know—?”
He was smiling at me from where he sat on his work stool. “I know you, Eloise.” There was so much love in his voice, it made my breath catch for a second, and warmth washed through me. Yes, he did know me, and he loved me anyway.
I dropped my hands and nodded in agreement.
He picked up a tool and then paused. “Oh, also, Chloe will be here for a couple of days. She wants to administer some test to me that she says will help support some part of her paper. She didn’t think it was necessary at first, but now she does for whatever reason.” He shrugged.
“Oh, okay. Does she need to travel all the way here to give it to you?”
“She says it has to be administered in person.” He paused for a minute. “I think she likes it here, too. I think she’s gotten attached to the area.”
I wondered if it wasn’t the people she was attached to, namely Gabriel, but I pushed the jealous thought aside. I liked Chloe, and I trusted her. “All right, then. Let’s show those townspeople how amazing you are and how … your bobbing-for-apples skills know no bounds.” I grinned. “If you can win over a hard case like me, you can win anyone over.”
He laughed and my heart felt lighter. Though when I glanced to the spot where William had been just the day before, the sense of loss trickled back in, as if a part of me was gone, too, along with William.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Don’t lose hope. You never know what tomorrow holds.
Shadow, the Baron of Wishbone
ELLIE
The morning of the Morlea Fall Festival dawned crisp and cold. I hadn’t wanted to pull myself from the warm cocoon of Gabriel’s bed, but I was a little anxious about going into town with him, so instead of lying there worrying about it, I pulled myself from beneath his arms and tiptoed to the shower.
I had just rinsed the shampoo out of my hair when Gabriel pulled the glass door open and joined me. I laughed and sputtered under the water in surprise. But soon my laughter turned to soft moans as he worshiped my body under the warm shower spray, waking me up completely in the most delicious way possible.
I dressed in a pair of jeans with strategically placed rips and pulled on a loose, wine-colored sweater that had a long band of lace at the hem. I took extra care with my hair, blow-drying and curling it in loose waves, the way Gabriel liked it best. “All this hair,” he would whisper in the quiet of the bed we shared. “I could wrap myself in it.” And the way he looked at me when it was left loose and falling over my breasts made me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth.
When I emerged from the bathroom, Gabriel’s smile made me happy I’d put forth the extra effort with my appearance. I knew he thought I was just as beautiful with makeup on as without—and that he might even prefer me without.
“Ready?”
I nodded and took his hand and we left the house, driving the ten minutes into town and parking in the large grassy area that had been designated as a lot for the event.
Couples strolled toward the park where the festival was being held, wearing jeans and sweaters, scarves, and light jackets. The smell of popcorn and caramel wafted on the breeze, and I gripped Gabriel’s hand, feeling a sense of excitement that seemed familiar in some distant way—as if I’d experienced it once upon a time and forgotten the sensation. Happy anticipation, that’s what it was. Had it really been so long since I’d felt it?
I glanced over at Gabriel, who had been looking around at the people passing us. He caught my eye and smiled, though there was a nervous edge to his expression. I squeezed his hand, holding on to the hopefulness dancing through my veins. Maybe this was going to be okay. Please let this be okay.
I heard a female yell of excitement and looked up to see Chloe rushing toward us, a grin on her face, her arms open wide. I laughed out a startled sound as she clasped me in a hug and squealed again and then let go, crushing Gabriel as well as he grinned and hugged her back.
“God, could this day be any more gorgeous?” she asked as she stepped back, her cheeks flushed and her eyes sparkling, her shiny curls bouncing around her face. She was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a white sweater, with a pair of tall brown boots and a scarf wrapped expertly around her neck in shades of green, orange, and yellow. She looked classy and beautiful, like the cover model on some fall fashion magazine.
I looked down at my own outfit, the one I’d felt good about only half an hour before, and suddenly felt cheap and tacky. I hadn’t thought to buy any new clothes. I shifted on my feet, wanting to step behind Gabriel but forcing myself not to.
“Thank you so much again, Gabriel, for making time for me this weekend. I’ll only take an hour of your time, I promise. I’m just so glad I picked this weekend to be here. This is amazing.” She swept her arm around at all the stands, the laughing people, the piles of pumpkins. “Fall is my very favorite season.”
Gabriel chuckled. “It’s no problem. I’m glad you’re here. Have you seen George yet?”
“Yes. He’s over there with Dominic.” Her eyes darted to me for a beat, her expression concerned before she pointed behind her and waved. Nerves punched at my belly at the mention of Dominic’s name. Gabriel hadn’t said he’d be here. But by the look on his face, he hadn’t known, or he hadn’t been sure.
“Will you tell them we’re here?” he asked Chloe. “I’m going to buy my girl a pumpkin-spice latte.”
Chloe grinned. “Of course.” She put a hand on my arm and smiled encouragingly, and then she flitted away.
“Did you know Dominic would be here?”
Gabriel looked at me and shook his head. “He didn’t say he would be. But I thought things were better with you two. Has he been bothering you?” His brow creased in a frown.
I shook my head. “No. He just doesn’t like me.”
He tipped my chin so I was looking up into his eyes. “Ellie, it’s him, it’s not you. He’ll get over whatever he’s got going on in his own head, okay? I promise. Please don’t let him get to you.”
“I know. I won’t,” I lied. I looked at the people milling around us and caught some of them staring. “I wish I had worn something nicer. I should have bought something.”
He frowned again, looking down at my outfit. “You look beautiful.”
I scoffed, picking at my fingernails. “You think I look beautiful in sweatpants.”
“Hey,” he said gently, wrapping his
hands around mine so I was forced to quit picking. “What’s this about? I would have bought you some new clothes if you wanted—”
My eyes shot to his. “I don’t want you buying me clothes.”
He paused. “Then you could have bought your own clothes. I just meant I would have taken you shopping.”
I nodded, feeling small and petty, whiny and probably annoying. I forced a smile. “I’m sorry. I just want this day to go well for you. And here I am making it about me. I’m really okay. I think I just need some caffeine. That latte you mentioned sounds great.”
He smiled, but his eyes still held a glint of worry. I smiled bigger to reassure him and he took my hand in his. “If my woman needs caffeine, my woman gets caffeine. Come on.”
He bought me a pumpkin-spice latte that looked more like a dessert than coffee, and I noticed more stares as we stood in line. I tried my best to ignore them. Gabriel had reassured me they were just curious about him. But still, the attention—and the fear that they might be judging me—put a damper on my mood and made me feel more self-conscious.
We took our coffee-desserts and sat on a couple of bales of hay that had been placed here and there for decoration and for seating, and I felt better as we laughed and sipped our drinks.
A few minutes later, George, who we spotted standing with Chloe and several couples, gestured to us to join them. I recognized a few of the men from the quarry and figured they must be here with their families. “Want to go over and say hi?” Gabriel asked.