Her gaze remained steady on some spot behind him, but she really looked back to that day, replayed it in her mind with what he’d just told her, and the confusion in her eyes remained, because she couldn’t put it all together and make it make sense. He felt for her, because it no longer made any sense to him either.
Hindsight was a bitch who came back and kicked you in the ass.
“I’m sorry, Jamie. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I let you go. I’m sorry the life you found left you broken and unhappy. All I ever wanted for you is to be happy. I thought letting you go would give you that. I wish it had.”
“I was happy here with you. Why did you tell me to go if you wanted me to stay?”
“You know the answer to that.”
She tilted her head, staring at him, apparently no answer coming to her.
“You didn’t want to stay here. You wanted to get away from your mother, this place, and find something better.”
“I thought I did,” she admitted. “For a while. But there always seemed to be something missing.”
He wanted to believe she meant him. He didn’t ask her. He didn’t deserve to receive that kind of sentiment from her. “I couldn’t go, but you needed to go. I wish it ended better.”
“You and me both.”
“You’re here now. Do you plan to stay? Or are you going back? You must have friends, people missing you.” He wanted to ask if there was another man waiting for her return. He didn’t think so. If there was, the guy was a total asshole for leaving her alone in her condition.
Jamie scrunched one side of her mouth into a sardonic half frown, half grin. “It’s not easy to admit that I’m kind of stuck here. I have no idea what to do now. I’m not capable of doing anything right now. My injuries prevent me from going back to the military. My mental state prevents me from doing anything but survive, and let’s face it,” she shrugged, “I’m barely getting by on that front.”
“You need to take better care of yourself. You can’t live on pills and booze. Which is why I stocked your fridge with actual food.”
Her head fell forward again. “Thank you,” she whispered. “It’s been a while since someone . . .”
“Took care of you,” he finished for her.
She shook her head. “Cared at all.”
“I thought soldiers serving overseas were a close group. You must have friends . . .”
“They’re dead. My whole crew. The guys assigned to protect us.”
Ford sighed. “I’m sorry, Jamie. You must miss them a lot.”
“I want to know what happened to them.”
Ford eyed her. “What do you mean? You were with them when you got hurt, right?”
“Yes, but I can’t remember anything past my truck exploding, except bits and pieces in nightmares that make no sense.”
Ford frowned. “Maybe you don’t want to remember because it’s too awful to recall.”
She didn’t answer and her silence made the atmosphere charge with anticipation. He wanted her to talk about it because she needed to, because keeping it inside was killing her.
“Something happened,” she whispered.
“You were burned and shot. You barely got out of there alive. That’s what happened.” He let his anger and frustration out in his voice. The fear seemed unreasonable since she was right in front of him, but it still lingered in his system. He wanted to let it go now that he knew she was safe, but he’d carried it so long he had a hard time releasing it. Looking at her now, sad and damaged and far from okay, he had reason to fear for her still.
Her gaze came up and met his. “Something else happened. Something very bad. I need to remember.” Her eyes squinted as she looked into the past. “Every second of the day I feel like I did something, or didn’t do something, or I’m supposed to do something, but I don’t know what, and they’re all dead, so what am I supposed to do?”
Ford stood to close the distance between them, take her in his arms, and hold her. She put up both hands to hold him off and shook her head. She didn’t want to be touched. He wondered if it was just by him or everyone.
“Jamie.” Just her name, because he wanted to say so much more, but didn’t have the words to make her feel better.
“I’m sorry. It’s not you. Well, it is you, but it’s more me.” She raked her fingers through her already disheveled hair. “So many things have happened since I saw you. Things I want to forget, but that show up and mess up my life all over again.”
Ford didn’t quite understand, but the “No Trespassing” sign she had up came through loud and clear. Still, he thought he saw a glimpse of her need for him to close the distance between them and hold her. Like she craved his comfort, but couldn’t allow herself to give in to it—or worse, felt like she didn’t deserve it.
One foot moved forward like she meant to take a step toward him, but then she pulled it back. She held herself back from him and it hurt like hell.
He went to the counter and grabbed the four bottles of pills. He set them on the table next to her unfinished plate of food. “Take what you need, Jamie.” He hoped she understood he meant anything she needed, including the love and comfort he fought so hard not to force on her, despite knowing she needed both.
To allow her the space and time she needed, he picked up the dishes and carried them to the sink. He found a plastic tub to put the rest of the stew in and save in the fridge. He hoped she ate it over the next few days instead of starving herself rail thin.
She took a seat at the table behind him. He opened the freezer and pulled out the carton of Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch and set it in front of her. He snagged a spoon from the drawer, set it on the table next to her hand, and went to the sink and washed the dishes, hoping she’d stop staring at him dumbfounded and take her pills and eat.
He took his time, knowing she needed it to settle down again. He made her nervous, but hoped that in some small measure his presence gave her comfort. At least she wasn’t alone.
Kitchen cleaned, he picked out his own spoon from the drawer, sat across from Jamie, and went to take a bite of her ice cream. She smacked her spoon into his like a sword strike. Her gaze met his with a gleam of mischief to match the rusty grin barely tilting her lips.
“What do you think you’re doing?” The lilt of humor in her voice did his heart good.
He eyed her, but didn’t hide his grin. “That looks really good.” He tried to take a bite, knowing how this would go and loving that she wanted to play.
Jamie’s spoon tapped his away again. He parried her and nearly toppled the container when he tried for a spoonful. She blocked him and knocked his spoon back again with a soft giggle. “Watch it, tough guy.”
“I want some.” He meant a hell of a lot more than the sweet treat and she knew it by the steamy look he sent her.
She picked up the carton and tilted it toward him, all fun and games coming to an abrupt end because in the past they ended with a melted carton of ice cream, her in his lap, his lips devouring hers, and a long loving that left them both satisfied.
He let it go, not wanting to push. After what happened tonight, he just wanted to see one smile and he’d gotten it.
“Thank you.”
He swallowed another bite. “My pleasure.”
“I mean it. Thanks for not calling the cops. You could have put me behind bars for a long time. Instead, you cooked me an amazing meal I didn’t do justice to by any measure. You bought me groceries, including my favorite ice cream, all with a gunshot wound that must scream with pain. I’ve known some tough, badass military guys and they have nothing on you.”
That made him smile.
She turned serious again. “Thank you. For all of it. You didn’t grill me for answers about what happened, or get on my case about how badly I’m living my life.”
“I’m not here to give you a hard time. I came to help you out, because I wanted to see you. Because I care, Firefly. Maybe you feel like no one does, but I hope you
see I do.”
She gave him a nod, but her gaze never met his.
“You should take a shower and try to get some more sleep. It’s late.”
For the first time, she glanced at the clock. Her eyes went wide. “It’s two in the morning.”
He held back a soft chuckle at her surprise. “Not the first time we stayed up late together. I stayed to be sure you’re okay.”
“I’m not okay, but I’m not done either,” she admitted.
Though Zac’s warning rang in his head, he started to believe her. Maybe he had misread the situation earlier and she hadn’t meant to harm herself after she shot him and lost it.
This time her gaze came up to his. “You wanted honest.”
“Always. Do you feel better?”
She stood, scrunched her mouth into a frown, then raised her gaze to meet his once more. “For the first time since I arrived here, I feel like I’m home.”
Stunned, he stared at her, unable to string even a few words together to tell her what that meant to him.
Home isn’t the place you are, it’s the people you’re with.
Chapter 6
Ford pulled into Dane’s driveway just after dawn. The sun lit the pastures and trees in brilliant greens and golds, but didn’t brighten his mood one damn bit. He’d caught a couple of hours’ sleep on Jamie’s couch after she snagged the gun he’d emptied off the top of the refrigerator and quietly retreated to her bedroom, closing the door on him and the world once again. Her groans, mumbled tormented words, and screams interrupted those few hours of fitful sleep. He wanted to help her, but didn’t know how.
He’d thought he’d reached her, that she’d heard him and felt better for a short time, but then her eyes had fogged with her past once again.
For the first time since I arrived here, I feel like I’m home.
He wanted to be the beacon in her life that brought her back from the dark world her memories sucked her into every second of the day. He wanted to give her everything they’d talked about and planned back when things were simple and easy between them. Now, just getting her to eat seemed a complicated maneuver that involved convincing her he meant no harm and only had her best interests at heart.
She thought he pitied her. Not so. He admired her tenacity, but hated that her complicated past broke her down to the point her life became nothing but endurance.
She’d survived hell and come home, but hell followed her.
She couldn’t escape, didn’t know how, but she kept fighting. He’d help her. He wouldn’t give up on her. He wouldn’t let her suffer alone.
Dane walked out the front door, a cup of coffee in hand. Ford slid out of his truck, closed the door, and dragged his tired ass up to the porch.
“Morning, Ford. You okay?” Dane pointed to Ford’s shoulder and shirt with his mug, his eyes narrowed in concern. “That’s a lot of blood.”
“Sorry for the early morning call, but I came to see your wife before she left for work.”
“Looks like you need a doctor.”
“Yeah. I hoped she’d check out my arm without writing anything down or asking any questions.”
Dane opened the front screen door and waved him to go ahead in. “Let’s see what she says. What happened? Some jealous boyfriend shoot you for sniffing around his girl?” Dane teased, but he wasn’t far off.
“A girl I used to know shot me because she thought I wanted to kill her.”
Dane’s eyes went wide. “Seriously?”
One side of his mouth tilted up with the halfhearted smile he couldn’t contain. Of course Dane knew he’d never hurt anyone, especially a woman. “It’s a long story.”
“I’m all ears,” Bell said, coming out of the kitchen, Kaley beside her eating a muffin.
Kaley ran to him. Ford scooped her up with his good arm, held her at his chest, and kissed her soft cheek. “Hey, pretty girl. What you got there?”
“Blueberry.”
“My favorite.” As soon as he got the words out, Kaley stuffed half the muffin in his mouth. Lucky for him, he opened it when he caught her intention or he’d have muffin all over his face. “Thanks,” he mumbled as he chewed.
“Baby kicked.” Kaley pointed to Bell’s protruding belly.
“They do that,” Ford said, nuzzling his nose in Kaley’s neck and making her giggle. Just being with her made him feel better. He couldn’t stay locked in his anger over Jamie’s situation when he held the bright, happy little girl in his arms.
“Down, Uncle Ford.”
Ford turned Kaley loose, though she didn’t go far and wrapped her arms around her dad’s leg.
Dane leaned down and patted her back. “Come on, sweetheart, let’s go get Uncle Ford a cup of coffee and a muffin of his own while he talks to Mommy.”
“O-tay.” Kaley walked off with Dane, leaving him with Bell, who turned and walked toward her office just off the front entry. She picked up a large leather satchel from behind her desk and tilted her chin toward the plush chair by the sofa for him to sit. This room doubled as the library. Bookcases dominated the wall space, making this seem less like a doctor visit and more like a comfortable meeting with his friend.
“Listen, Bell, I know I’m putting you on the spot here. You’re required to report . . .”
Bell held up a hand stopping him. She frowned and nodded toward his shoulder. “Nothing to report, since you haven’t told me how you got hurt.” She acted like she hadn’t overheard him talking to Dane.
He appreciated that she gave him the benefit of the doubt. For now. He had no doubt she’d revoke that courtesy at any moment depending on what he said next.
“Let’s have a look.”
Ford shrugged off his shirt. Before he let Bell do anything, he planted his elbows on his knees and laid his head in his hands, rubbing at his gritty eyes. “I don’t know what to do,” he admitted.
Bell’s hand touched his hair and rubbed down to his hand. She squeezed and comforted him because they were friends and this wasn’t like him at all.
“What happened, Ford? Who did this to you?” Her gentle coaxing helped him to open up.
“Her name is Jamie. She came home from the military after some kind of assault. She’s got burn scars all down her back. Three gunshot wounds that I could see. But none of that is as bad as her mind, Bell. She’s . . . lost. Broken. Living in another world most of the time. She’s scared and fierce and angry and looking for a fight and a way out all at the same time.”
“PTSD?”
He finally looked up at her. “Absolutely. I showed up at her place. She shot first and didn’t ask questions because she actually thought I was some enemy there to kill her. She was out of her mind and she didn’t know what she was doing. She passed out when she figured out what she’d done. I put her to bed to sleep it off. But she doesn’t actually sleep. She tosses and turns and fights off whatever is torturing her mind.”
“Don’t you think the cops need to know what happened?”
“I can’t explain it, but she doesn’t want to hurt anyone. She’s protecting herself.” He shook his head. “I know that doesn’t make sense based on her actions, but it also makes perfect sense.” He gave her a lopsided grin. “Even if I don’t.”
Bell unwound the gauze he’d used to secure the pad over his injury. “This doesn’t look so bad.”
“I cleaned it up the best I could, but I thought you should have a look to be sure it doesn’t get infected.”
Bell used the supplies she pulled out of her bag to clean the wound again, setting off another blazing ache in his arm. “I’ll stitch it up and give you a prescription for antibiotics to be on the safe side.”
Ford sat still, letting Bell do her thing. The second the last stitch went into the three-inch line across his arm, he breathed easier and unclenched his jaw.
“Are you going to call the cops?”
“This is serious, Ford.”
“Please, Bell, give me a chance to get her help. We talked last toni
ght after she woke up. She was devastated by what she’d done. I think this might have been the wake-up call she needed.”
“But you don’t know that for sure. What she’s been through, Ford, requires at the very least counseling. A medical professional should be looking after her.”
“I checked out the doctors’ names on her meds online. One of them is a psychiatrist. He specializes in PTSD.”
“Good. I hope she’s opening up to him.”
“I’ll find out. I didn’t want to push too hard this morning before I left. I swear, Bell, I won’t let up until I’m sure she’s okay and not out to hurt herself or others.”
Bell eyed him, concern and fear in her eyes now that he’d revealed his worst fear. “Ford . . .”
“Please, Bell. I need to do this for her.”
Bell tilted her head, interested in why he’d go to these lengths to protect Jamie. “Who is she to you?”
“The one I let get away. I didn’t fight for her before, but I will fight for her now, even if she doesn’t want me back. I’ll fight to make her better.”
“What if you can’t? What if what she needs is far more than you are capable or equipped to give her?”
“Whatever it takes, Bell, I will get her the help she needs, whatever that is, and see her happy again.” He wanted Jamie well and back in his life and in his arms.
Bell sat quietly in front of him on the coffee table, no doubt contemplating what she’d do. Ford held his breath waiting for her decision.
“There’s no magic pill that will make it all better. It will take time. A great deal of time for her to recover,” Bell emphasized. “But she has to want to get better. It’s work, Ford. Whatever happened to her left scars far deeper and more severe than the ones you saw on her body. If she’s in a deep depression, she may need to be medicated to even begin to see that there is hope for something better in her life.”
His Cowboy Heart Page 6