Amanda just couldn’t seem to embrace the physical part of their relationship. She’d liked his kisses...at first. And aside from one disastrous incident a year ago, he’d never pressed her for more. But she couldn’t seem to get past the barriers that had grown over the three years they’d been engaged.
“I wish I had more experience,” she said lamely. She had slept with only one boy, although slept was the wrong word. Her one experience with sex had been quick and unsatisfying and she’d never wanted to repeat it. She wondered if Jake suspected how naive she was. She’d been putting off the moment when she shared her body with him, telling herself that it was better—for a lot of reasons—to save intimacy for marriage.
But what if she found out after they were married that Jake’s kisses were just as threatening to her peace of mind as they were now?
“I want to have sex...make love...with you, Jake. I just...”
“You don’t have to apologize. I was out of line.”
“No,” she said. “Your touches, your caresses, should be acceptable to—” She stopped herself, realizing that she was admitting that his touches, his caresses, were not in fact acceptable to her. She brushed her bangs out of her eyes and looked up at him unhappily. “Are we making a mistake, Jake?”
“I’m no less committed now than the day I asked you to marry me,” he said.
Amanda made a face. “But are we right for each other? Will we be able to live happily ever after?”
Jake rubbed a hand across his nape. “I don’t know,” he said. “What makes a successful marriage? I married for love the first time around and look what happened. You have all the qualities I want in a wife. You must think I’d make a good husband, or you wouldn’t have accepted my proposal. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t be happy together.”
And yet, Amanda thought, she hadn’t yet shared her body with him. Shouldn’t there be some passion between a married couple? Wasn’t that necessary for happiness?
She made herself close the distance between them and tugged on his shirt collar until he lowered his head for her kiss. She opened her mouth slightly, letting her lips rub damply across his, wanting gentleness, wanting...love.
The response she got was satisfyingly carnal. But there was no tenderness. No...love.
She broke the kiss quickly, before he could touch her again. “It’s been a long day,” she said. “I’m really tired.”
“Can I come in with you?” Jake asked.
She knew what he was asking. Was she going to make him wait until their wedding night to consummate this relationship? Was she going to allow this awkwardness to continue between them until the moment she walked down the aisle? Was she ready for a physical relationship with the man who would be her husband in two weeks?
He smiled, his hand gently caressing her cheek and said, “You know, we’re going to have to make it to bed together sometime if we want kids.”
“I don’t want children,” Amanda blurted.
There was no mistaking the shocked look on Jake’s face. His hand dropped away and he said, “Not ever?”
“Not for a while, anyway.”
“How long is a while?” Jake said. “I’m thirty-nine, Amanda. I was hoping to have kids right away, so I’ll be around to enjoy them when they’re grown.”
“I want to wait a few years,” she said. “I want some time to enjoy being a wife before I have to become a mother.” She wanted more freedom. There had been too little of it in her life.
“I can’t believe we never discussed this,” Jake said. “I just assumed...”
“I’m sorry if I’ve surprised you. Does it make a difference?”
“It does to me,” Jake admitted. “Children were a big part of the reason I finally pushed for the wedding. I want to get started on a family.”
Amanda felt a cold dread growing inside her. “I don’t think—”
He pulled her into his arms and rocked her. “Let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater,” he said. “We’ve got a lot of other things going for us. A year or two isn’t going to make that much of a difference.”
Amanda opened her mouth to say she was thinking more like five or six years, but clamped it shut again. Maybe she would change her mind once she was married. Maybe marriage to Jake wouldn’t be the burden she’d been fearing the past few years. Maybe everything would be all right after all.
“Do you still want to get married?” she asked.
“Do you?” he replied.
“I do if you do,” she said.
“Then in two weeks, we’ll be husband and wife,” Jake said as he dropped a kiss on her forehead.
Amanda shivered.
“The sun’s gone,” he said. “You’re cold. You’d better get inside.”
“All right,” she said, stepping back from his embrace.
But she wasn’t cold. Except maybe deep inside, where she didn’t think she would ever be warm. “Good night, Jake,” she said.
“Get some rest,” he urged. “I’ll make some time to see you later this week.”
Then he was gone. And she was alone in her backyard, wondering if she was about to make a terrible mistake.
CHAPTER THREE
FAITH
“THANK YOU, FAITH,” AMANDA SAID as she finished washing the last of the potluck casserole dishes left over from the party and handed it to Faith to dry. “I really appreciate you coming by this morning to help me clean up after the party.”
“It’s my pleasure, Miss Carter. It’s too bad your gazebo got smashed to smithereens,” she said as she stared out the kitchen window. “Cleaning that up is going to take a saw and a wheelbarrow.”
“Not to worry,” Amanda said. “Rabb Whitelaw’s coming over after church to put it back together. Which reminds me, I’d better get a start on his meat loaf and mashed potatoes.”
Faith’s dark eyes went wide. “Rabb Whitelaw’s coming here for lunch?”
Amanda smiled. “It was the only payment he would accept for fixing my gazebo.”
“He really is a nice man, isn’t he, Miss Carter?” Faith said. “And handsome, too.”
“Yes, he is nice,” Amanda agreed. She smiled, remembering how sympathetic Rabb’s hazel eyes had looked, how the last rays of sun had burnished his chestnut hair. How firm and muscular his chest had felt as he held her. “And, yes, I suppose he is handsome,” she murmured.
She glanced at Faith speculatively. Was the young girl interested in Rabb? “I thought you and Randy were an item.”
“We are,” Faith said. “That doesn’t mean I can’t notice when a man is good-looking. Not that I’d do anything about it. No one could ever replace Randy. I guess you must feel the same way about Jake,” she said. “Like he’s the only man in the world you could ever imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with.”
“Hmm,” Amanda said. The problem was, she was having a difficult time imagining her life with Jake. Especially now that she knew for sure he wanted children right away. How were they going to resolve that dilemma?
“I’d be glad to help you peel potatoes,” Faith said.
Amanda always marveled at how well Faith got by with a hand and a hook. “Thanks, Faith, but I can manage.”
Faith folded the dish towel and hung it on the refrigerator door handle. “Well, if that’s everything, I’ll be on my way.”
A moment later she was out the door. As Amanda watched her cross the backyard, she marveled at how different Faith was from Hope. It was difficult to believe the two were identical twins. Or almost identical. There was that missing hand that made them different.
When Amanda had first met the two girls, Faith had been a shadow of her sister, always walking behind her, her arm with the missing hand concealed behind her back. Amanda had soon realized that Hope’s outra
geous behavior was a decoy to keep people from noticing that other significant physical difference between the twins. She’d admired the fact that Hope was so fiercely protective of her quieter, shyer sister.
Amanda wasn’t sure when she’d first noticed Hope’s unfortunate attraction to Jake, but she’d been glad when Hope headed off to Baylor, and had been incredibly relieved when Hope had spent the past two summers traveling. Not that she’d ever considered Hope a serious rival for Jake’s affections. Hope was simply too young for Jake.
Or she had been.
Amanda frowned. Hope was no longer a child, and there was nothing subtle about her current pursuit of Jake. The young woman had made it clear by word and deed that she was in love with Jake. Which was something Amanda had never done.
And Jake wasn’t immune to Hope’s adoration. She’d seen how his eyes followed the girl yesterday, though he’d done nothing to encourage her. What were Jake’s feelings for Hope? Was he in love with her? Was she keeping two people apart who ought to be together?
But Amanda had given Jake a chance to back out of their engagement, and he hadn’t taken it. She had to conclude that he didn’t want out. Amanda found comfort in the fact that when push came to shove, he’d chosen her over Hope.
The knock on the back door startled her. She crossed and opened it to find Rabb. It was two weeks until Christmas, but Rabb was wearing clothes more suited to summer. She supposed the unseasonably warm weather justified his attire, but she nevertheless found it disconcerting.
His T-shirt had the sleeves torn out to reveal muscular arms and dark underarm hair, and his raggedy jeans gave taunting glimpses of the white briefs he was wearing. A leather tool belt hung heavy and substantial around his lean waist. She wasn’t aware she was holding her breath until she tried to find the air to greet him and it wasn’t there.
“Hi,” he said with a smile that made her feel warm inside. “Thought I’d let you know I’m going to be making some noise out here.”
She managed a smile, gasped for some air and said, “Let me get lunch on the stove, and I’ll come out and join you.”
He gave her a mock salute and said, “Yes, ma’am,” then turned and headed back toward the gazebo.
She stood at the door, only belatedly realizing that she was ogling the fit of his jeans as he walked away. She quickly closed the door, but the damage was done.
What was this fascination she had with Jake’s brother? She’d felt the same inclination to reach out and touch him when he’d built her gazebo two summers ago. She couldn’t possibly really be interested in him. She had a recollection of Rabb not being a very good student when they’d been in school together. She wanted someone she could talk with, someone intelligent and perceptive. That wasn’t the impression she had of Rabb Whitelaw. Good looks simply weren’t enough.
Suddenly she realized that her hands were trembling. She shook them, made a grrrr sound in her throat and yanked open the drawer that contained the potato peeler. She was a woman engaged to be married—to Rabb’s brother! The sooner she stopped letting her hormones control her head, the better.
Amanda took her time peeling potatoes and putting them on to boil and preparing the meat loaf. When she glanced out the kitchen window—she was just curious how repairs on her gazebo were coming along—she saw the flex and play of sinew and bone as Rabb physically manhandled the broken wood frame.
She forced her gaze from the window, got out a can of creamed corn and stuck it in a pot, then put some frozen string beans in a microwave dish. She pulled out some Jell-O salad left over from the party, then set the table for two.
By the time she’d finished, the potatoes were done. She mashed them with milk and butter, then set them on the stove where they’d stay warm. And realized there was nothing else to keep her from joining Rabb outside.
Had she been dawdling? Had she been delaying the moment? And if so, why? He was simply a nice guy doing her a favor. All right, an attractive nice guy doing her a favor.
Amanda paused on the back porch and stared at Rabb. He was intent on his work, completely unconscious of her, and she indulged her desire to look. His T-shirt was gone; bare to the waist, he was a delight for the eyes.
A fine sheen of sweat caused his tanned body to glisten in the sun, and it was hard to ignore the broad shoulders that tapered to a lean waist. She tried to remember if she’d ever seen Jake like this. If she had, it hadn’t left a similar impression—of youth and strength and, well, the word that came to mind was beauty.
It was the wrong word for a man, but even with her vast vocabulary, she couldn’t think of a better one.
Amanda backed away. She didn’t want to be tempted physically by a man other than her fiancé. But Rabb turned and saw her and smiled, and the choice was taken out of her hands.
“Ready to go to work?” he said.
She walked toward him, aware she was smiling back at him and again feeling that warmth inside. “What do you want me to do?”
“I’m trying to save your morning glories,” he said.
“Oh, thank you.”
“Come here,” he said, holding out a piece of lattice intertwined with greenery. “See if you can unwind some of these vines.”
She was close enough to smell the scent of hardworking man. Surprisingly, it wasn’t at all unpleasant. She was wearing a long-sleeved Oxford cloth shirt, and it wasn’t long before she felt too warm.
“Just a minute,” she said. She started to unbutton the sleeve of her white shirt and realized her hands were stained green. She considered wiping them on her khaki slacks, but the trousers were also clean, with a neat crease down the front. She made a face and reached for the button on her sleeve.
“Here, let me,” Rabb volunteered. He dropped the lattice, swiped his hands on his jeans and reached out to unbutton her right sleeve. He folded it up a couple of times and said, “How’s that?”
“Fine,” she murmured self-consciously. There was something intimate about having a man unbutton your clothes, even when it was something as innocent as a sleeve.
A moment later, he’d finished with the other sleeve. She took a deep breath of relief and looked up at him.
Amanda knew as soon as their eyes met that she’d made a mistake. Because he was looking back at her as though he had her in a bedroom alone, and he was just getting started. She’d never really looked closely at his eyes, but now she noticed they were golden with a dark edge surrounding the iris that made his gaze look intense, almost dangerous.
Leonine. Yes, that was the right word. Like a lion.
She was still staring up at him, breathless, a little frightened, when he smiled and said, “Here’s the real problem.”
Before she could protest, he’d reached for the buttons at her throat. He undid three of them and tugged the shirt wide. It fell open to reveal the edge of lace at the top of her bra.
She glanced down and flushed. And grabbed the edges of cloth and pulled them back together.
“Don’t,” he murmured. He freed her hands, which fell to her sides, and rearranged the cloth, opening it wide again.
Her eyes stayed on the toes of her sensible penny loafers.
He lifted her chin with a finger, forcing her gaze up to his. “I’ve been wanting to do that ever since I showed up at your door. You shouldn’t be all buttoned up, Mandy. You need to let go a little.”
She hadn’t heard that nickname since high school. It brought back memories of more carefree days that were long gone. She was a grown-up now. She was a responsible woman.
“It’s hard to reverse the habits of a lifetime,” she said, her fingers itching to rebutton her shirt. She reached up again, feeling much too exposed.
“Don’t,” he repeated quietly, taking her hands in his, tugging them away from the crumpled cloth.
His hands were warm and st
rong, and Amanda could feel the calluses on the pads of his fingers. Abruptly, he let her go and took a step back. “We’d better get back to work.” He turned his back on her and picked up a piece of lattice and held it out to her.
Amanda resumed the chore he’d given her, wondering how she was going to make it through the rest of the afternoon. How awkward. How mortifying. How utterly—
“Penny for your thoughts,” Rabb said.
She glanced up and saw he was grinning. “What’s so funny?” she asked irritably.
“You are,” he said. “You’d think I’d stripped you down to your bra and panties.”
Her face caught fire. Because she had been imagining what that would be like.
“When was the last time you did something rash and impulsive?” he asked.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Amanda said stiffly.
Rabb dumped the broken piece of lattice in a nearby wheelbarrow and said, “I’m hungry. How about you?”
The sudden change of subject caught her off guard. “Hungry?”
“You promised me lunch. Let’s go eat,” Rabb said, grabbing her hand and heading for the kitchen door.
“What about the gazebo?” she said, glancing back at the carnage.
“It’ll wait. We have more important things to do.”
“Like what?” Amanda said.
“Eating first,” Rabb said. “Then...I haven’t made up my mind yet, but something...whimsical.”
She glanced at him sideways. “You’re making fun of me.”
“Not at all,” he countered as he opened the screen door and ushered her inside ahead of him.
She’d never realized how small her kitchen was, but there didn’t seem to be room for the two of them. She was aware of Rabb’s size, and the smell of raw male, and the fact that he was a very attractive man.
He caught her eyeing him and said, “I should get my shirt.”
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