“Ach,” Jacob laughed, “but surely the comfort of upholstered chairs will not raise flighty children. They have hard backed furniture and not a single cushion in sight.”
Jane laughed loud and long and Martha felt second-hand embarrassment for her. Before, she would have found this courtship exciting, she would have giggled along with Jane and made some saucy comment to keep the mood light, but now she found it stifling and Jane’s efforts at attracting a man laughable and childish.
Martha chose to observe the passing landscape, the dip and rise in the snow as they veered off the paved road and onto the wide dirt tracks of the Amish community. The Millers got off first at their barn, which was closest to the road, and then eventually the Kings’.
Jane King gave Martha a long searching look of distrust before she waved a merry goodbye to Jacob, extoling a promise to hear him play the harmonica at the Christmas feast before Jacob coaxed the horse to trundle down the frozen path towards the Bontrager barn.
“You don’t speak much do you?” Jacob asked, and Martha saw his smile was warm and inviting.
“I don’t have much to say,” Martha said, her back stiff, waiting for the journey to be over.
“We haven’t met before,” Jacob said, squinting his eyes. “I have mostly been with my Ant in Indiana since I was five,” he adjusted a little on the hard bench. “She needed company after her husband died. She was very young and had no kinder of her own.”
Martha didn’t respond.
“She recently remarried and father’s getting on in years and needed a young man to take over the restaurant,” Jacob said spreading his hands, “so here I am.”
“Welcome,” Martha said without a trace of a smile. She didn’t know what to say to such a cheerful person. She wasn’t used to being treated with such an open invitation of friendship. She was sure sooner or later Jacob would find out all about her scandalous rumspringa and want to avoid her like the rest. She just wanted to save him the eventual awkwardness.
“Do you go to town often?” he asked, ignoring her cold response.
“I work at the Amish Goods Store for my sister,” Martha said, her hands clasping and unclasping in her desperate need to get home and away from Jacob Lapp. She was confused by her own reactions. She wanted to be loved and cherished but she felt that she didn’t deserve that happiness. Yet Jacob’s bright smiles wanted her to at least try. “Let me off here,” she said curtly. “I can walk the rest of the way.”
“The snow is very deep,” Jacob said uncertainly.
“I can manage,” Martha said and made to step out of the buggy but Jacob held her hand to keep her in place.
“Let me stop the buggy at least,” he said gently but Martha could see that he thought her odd. His gloved hands were strong and steady and Martha felt her breath hitch. The buggy came to a halt and Martha scrambled off none too gracefully. Tightening her scarf around her neck she hurried on home steeling herself to not look back into the blue eyes that regarded her with a spark of interest.
CHAPTER THREE
The Christmas Feast
Second Christmas dawned with a blazing sun that provided a modicum of warmth against the blizzard of Christmas day. The snow crunched under the foot and hoof as the community made its way to the Stoltzfus barn where the Christmas celebrations were to be held this year.
Recognizing the status of lonely spinsters, widows and men without family ties in the community, the Ordnung had devised a way that they could be included in Christmas celebrations which was a happy time for everyone. They had encouraged a community feast at a local family barn for everyone rather than small family gatherings all over the Amish community. This way everyone could attend and the honor of hosting the feast was enjoyed by everyone as well.
This year the honor was given to the Stoltzfus family. Their barn was modest in size but their hearts were generous and they made everyone feel welcome. Their livestock was tethered in the King barn nearby for the duration of the feast.
Jarron placed the mountain of bread and currant buns on one of the tables set up in the barn while Emma added her pecan pie to the dessert table already surrounded by the young kinder looking at the delicious pies on offer.
Emma scanned the crowd of familiar faces. Friends exchanged gifts of needlepoint and writing paper, Jeremiah handed his children animals carved out of wood. Emma laughed at Isaac and Ruth’s delighted faces but she stopped suddenly when she saw Sarah.
Jeramiah stood next to his wife and while Sarah looked exhausted with bags under her eyes and her tired shoulders stooping forward, Jeremiah looked well rested, even younger than his thirty-eight years. Emma noticed with a shocking clarity that his beard was no longer unkempt but trimmed closer to his jaw, his hair was also styled in a more attractive cut. He looked very handsome.
Sarah looked pleased that her husband was taking care of his appearance but Emma also noticed a harried look in her eyes. Worried for Sarah’s health, Emma approached Jarron with an idea.
“Do you think it would be alright if I invite Isaac and Ruth to stay with us the night?” Emma asked. “It would give Jarron and Sarah some time alone.”
“Of course,” Jarron said, smiling down at her. “I’ve been looking forward to teaching Isaac ice hockey and the pond beyond the Lapp barn has finally frozen hard.”
“I’m sure he’s just as eager as you are,” Emma laughed at the boyish grin on Jarron’s face, tamping down her longing to provide him with a son of his own to do these things with.
Set at ease with Jarron’s encouragement, Emma approached Sarah who was seated with Mamm and Martha now. Sarah was handing Martha a large box and Emma was curious to see what it was.
“I thought you might enjoy it. It gets boring up at the store so often,” Sarah said. She beamed at Emma who joined them. Mamm laid an affectionate hand on Emma’s arm.
Martha opened the box to reveal material for a quilt inside. She touched the fabric, the needles and thread and smiled gratefully up at her sister.
“Thank you,” Martha said. “I will enjoy it.”
“That was very thoughtful of you, Sarah,” Mamm said appreciatively. Emma loved her mother’s face but the deep wrinkles and the shots of white in her hair under her kapp worried her. Daed worked the barn with Mamm’s help and even though her parents were sturdy folk with iron wills and faith in Gott, they were still human and Emma wished she could do more for them. More than her parents, she felt the lack of a son to help them in their old age.
“Would you like some kaffe, Mamm?” Emma asked.
“Ja, that would be gut,” Mamm answered with a gentle smile. Emma touched Sarah’s arm and Sarah followed her to the refreshment table where young girls in their rumspringa were giggling over mugs of hot chocolate.
“Would you mind,” Emma said as she fixed Mamm a mug of kaffe, “if we borrowed the kinder for a few days. Jarron and I have been looking forward to them visiting us, and I thought you could do with some rest. It will give you and Jeramiah some time to yourselves.”
“Ach, Emma,” Sarah had tears in her eyes. “That would mean the world to me. Thank you.”
“Nee, you are doing Jarron and I a favor,” Emma assured. “We’ve been bored out of our minds these past few days.”
Sarah laughed and Emma was glad to see the relief on her sister’s face. She sensed a knotted worry in Sarah but she didn’t comment on it. She knew if Sarah had some worry she would share it with her so she didn’t push.
“I feel so dowdy in front of Jeramiah these days,” Sarah admitted, running a hand down her wool skirt. “He still finds time to take care of himself even though he is so busy. What must he think of me?”
“That you are the beautiful mother of his children,” Emma touched her sister’s cheek.
“I know Gott discourages vanity and asks us to beautify our souls,” Sarah shrugged, “but I have a desire for my husband to find me beautiful. Is that sinful of me Emma?”
“Nee, not at all,” Emma said. “Jerami
ah deals with Englischers all day and must want to present an open persona. You know how Englischers are about us Amish. They don’t understand anything but assume we are backward people.”
“I guess you are right,” Sarah smiled brightly. “He does look very handsome doesn’t he?”
“He is a credit to you,” Emma said, leading Sarah back to Mamm and Martha who were planning what Martha could put in her quilt. Emma noticed that Martha was glancing at a young man who was smiling her way. He was a handsome young man with ash blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. Tall and strongly built he was talking to the David Miller.
Emma suddenly recognized him as Jacob Lapp. He had come to the community a few Christmases ago, visiting his parents. Emma wondered what his intentions were because he kept glancing at Martha as if hoping she would look his way.
The feast was finally served and Emma sat with her family, all three generations, and she felt Eli’s presence strongly, a comforting hand on her shoulder, taking part in the community’s happiness through her. Jarron took a bite from one of the buns she’d baked and gave her an appreciative wink. Emma smiled wide. She wished this happy moment to stay suspended in time.
CHAPTER FOUR
Abandoned
Emma brushed Ruth’s curls with a brush. The girl squirmed to be let loose. Emma kissed her forehead to keep her steady and Ruth obliged by sitting still for two minutes before she began to squirm again. Emma kissed her again and Ruth giggled.
“Must I look nice?” Ruth asked. “Mamm’s already seen how dirty I get. She won’t believe I’ve stayed this neat and clean even if you insist I have, so it’s best if I don’t brush my hair.”
“I won’t have your Mamm thinking I haven’t been taking proper care of you,” Emma said, brushing all the hair under a tiny lace kapp.
“She won’t recognize me,” Ruth said seriously. “She’ll think you switched her dochder with some proper girl.”
Emma laughed out loud. The sound of hooves outside alerted her to Jarron’s arrival. She took Ruth’s hand in her own and led the way outside where the buggy was waiting, Isaac sitting beside Jarron ready to return home.
They sang hymns as they went along laughing hysterically when the horse relieved itself mid trot. Emma shared a joyful smile with Jarron and knew he was thinking the same thing, how blessed and full of laughter their life would be if they had children of their own.
Sarah’s house looked deserted. There was no pleasant wood smoke rising from the chimney and Jeramiah’s wagon was parked in the small stable beside the house. Emma didn’t think too much of it. It was well past Christmas and Jeramiah must have returned to work on the Lapp’s wagon or maybe he had decided to spend some more time with Sarah. The thought made Emma blush.
Emma knocked on the door, thinking it prudent to warm Sarah of their arrival but there was no movement from inside the house. Ruth was beginning to get impatient and Isaac called for his mother. Emma slid the door open slightly and Ruth shot inside. Emma tried to stop her but the little girl went bounding into her parents room.
“Mamm,” the girl said and Emma could hear the delight in her voice. “Mamm?” Ruth sounded scared now. Emma’s heart leapt in panic and she rushed forward.
A deep sob emerged from the woman on the floor. Her clothes were dusty and her hair wild and unkempt. It took Emma a minute to realize that it was Sarah, her sister, who was lying prone on the floor crying as if the heart had been ripped out of her.
“Sarah!” Emma cried and rushed forward to scoop her up in her arms. Sarah clung to her fiercely. “What’s happened? What’s wrong?”
“He left me,” Sarah sobbed, her voice guttural. “Jeramiah left me!”
Jarron, who had rushed to the room, stepped back from the threshold to provide Sarah her modesty and privacy. He ushered Isaac away and cajoled Ruth into his lap, leaving Emma to handle a distraught Sarah.
Emma was stunned. Jeramiah leaving Sarah? It was unheard of. No one ever left their wives, not in this community. Sarah and Jeramiah had been happy together for so many years. They had been courting each other for as long as Emma could remember, their marriage a shining example for all the young couples in the community.
And now, seemingly without warning, Jeramiah had thrown it all on the wayside. But it hadn’t been without warning, Emma considered as she patted Sarah’s back, letting her cry on her shoulder. Jeramiah’s absence from the farm, his coming home late at night and the greater care he took about his appearance.
“He said he’s been seeing a girl,” Sarah hiccupped, “an Englischer. She’s twenty three, Emma,” Sarah wailed. “Young and shiny like a new penny. Jeremiah,” she took a shuddering breath to steady her voice. “Jeremiah said he was sick of the plain life, that he wanted a house with central heating, a car and no children mucking about. He’s left with that Englischer girl!”
“When did he leave?” Emma asked flabbergasted.
“The day after Second Christmas,” Sarah turned crimson. “He… he said he was too tired but I insisted… and I could tell his heart wasn’t in it. I asked him afterwards if it was something I’d done and he exploded. He said he didn’t want to be trapped in this life anymore.” Her voice dropped a few octaves, “he said he no longer believes in Gott.”
It looked to Emma that Sarah was more upset with Jeramiah’s renunciation of the Amish faith than of his infidelity and that piqued her a little. She brushed Sarah’s hair out of her face, her long luxuriant dark hair that Jeramiah had been so fond of. It was tangled and lusterless.
“Why didn’t you come tell us, Sarah?” Emma tucked the hair behind Sarah’s ear. “We could have persuaded Jeramiah to stay.”
“I was so ashamed,” Sarah moaned. “She came. In her big shiny car and she waited outside, leaning against her car. She was beautiful, Emma, I could never be that beautiful. I couldn’t tell anyone of my shame!”
“Ach, Sarah,” Emma embraced her sister tight. She felt her own eyes sting with the betrayal she must be feeling.
When you married someone you gave them your heart, to have and to hold forever. You trusted them to keep it safe, to cultivate it with love and help it grow in fondness. But if they so chose, they could wrench your heart in two and leave it crumpled in the dust and there would be nothing you could do about it. That’s what made trust in marriage so vital for it to last.
*
The community was a hive of gossip. Jeramiah’s actions were so shameful and sudden that it had left them all reeling. The community might not have found out if people hadn’t seen him in the English town in English clothes openly wandering the streets with the English girl. That she was very pretty was something everyone knew and their criticism of Jeramiah was only eclipsed by their disapproval of Sarah’s inability to keep her man by her side.
Martha felt the bile rise in her throat every time she heard the name Bontrager on anyone’s lips. She marched angrily through the field of wheat, laid fallow for this year. The frozen stalks crunched under the new shoes she had got from Mamm and Daed on Christmas.
She felt anger and also helpless distress. Sarah had been there for her, the first person to coax her whole sad life out of her when she’d come back to the community, hiding in Eli’s barn. Martha had always felt close to Eli because she knew that unlike most Plain folk, Eli was the embodiment of the Amish faith. He was humble, caring and never judged and she knew that the only person to help absolve her of her guilt and misery at the time would be Eli, even if it was in an ephemeral form.
Martha wished she could stop people talking, or muster up enough strength to haul Jeramiah back to the community, or at the very least claw his eyes out for what he had done. But the faith preached nonviolence and she had vowed to leave all her English tendencies behind.
Martha kicked at a rock in frustration.
“What did that poor rock ever do to you?”
Martha jumped about a foot in the air. Jacob Lapp shuffled his feet guiltily. He gave her a shy smile and emerged from behind the
apple tree.
“I was just on my way to the Williams haus,” he said lifting a small basket. “Mamm wanted to return the favor of borrowed sugar.”
Martha saw peach preserves in the basket but didn’t reply. She found Jacob distracting. She couldn’t concentrate on being sorry for her sins when he was around. She nodded and began to walk away but faltered when he began to walk with her.
“Do you like to sing?” Jacob asked.
“Everyone likes to sing,” Martha said noncommittally.
“Do you play any instrument?” Jacob asked pulling out his harmonica from his back pocket. He gave a musical toot on it and grinned down at her. Martha felt a dangerous fluttering in her stomach.
She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak.
“Do you like hot chocolate?” he asked, his blue eyes twinkling at the sight of her blushing face.
“Everyone likes hot chocolate,” Martha was curt. She began to increase her pace.
“Will you have hot chocolate with me in my buggy some time?” Jacob asked hurriedly keeping up with her.
Martha was so stunned she came to a complete stop. Jacob grinned down at her.
“So I take that is a yes?” Jacob said and Martha could hear the rumbling of cheerful laughter under his tone.
“Nee,” she said harshly and his face fell. “Nee, no, never!”
Martha spun on her feet and began to run. She felt hot angry tears trickle down her cheeks and freeze on her chin. Her sister had just been abandoned by her husband, their family was the subject of cruel gossip yet again and everyone must have been revisiting her rumspringa scandal with relish. For anyone to think that she would want to be courted at this time was an insult to their family solidarity.
CHAPTER FIVE
The Bopplis and The Dream
A boppli was crying somewhere in the winter mist. The fog rose from the ground thick and nebulous obscuring the sights around her. Sarah’s nightdress was sodden at the hem and her bare feet were caked with mud. She had walked for miles and now she could finally see the roof of Jeramiah’s barn.
An Amish Christmas With the Bontrager Sisters Page 2