by PJ Fernor
“And her hand was cut off?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Ben said. “Not sure if that’s how she died though.”
“Wait,” I said. “Either way, cutting off someone’s hand is insane. But if someone did this after she was murdered…”
“I know where you’re going,” Ben said. “And I’m going to be honest. The reason why I had Muldavey call me back was to know if they found the hand or not.”
“I’m going to guess it was a not?”
“Yeah,” Ben said. “The hand was cut off and taken.”
“The chances of an animal taking it?” I asked.
“It’s a possibility,” Ben said. “We’ll have to see if there were any tracks or prints found near the body.”
“So I’ll ask again… who would cut off someone’s hand and keep it?”
“I’ll say it again… we’re going to find out.”
“Just not tonight,” I said in a cocky tone.
“Allie…”
“I don’t need to be coddled right now, Ben. Or ever. I’ll tell you when I need a hug. Okay? You, Johnny, and Laura… you can’t make these decisions for me.”
“Laura can.”
“She thinks she can.”
“If she knew about this whiteboard, you’d be writing traffic tickets for a while.”
“At least I stand up for what I believe in,” I said.
“You know, you are the most stubborn person I have ever met,” Ben said. “But also the most beautiful.”
Ben reached for my face and I grabbed his wrist. “Don’t try that cheap talk stuff on me. It doesn’t work.”
“I take it you’re mad?”
“I’m annoyed,” I said. “I’m being pulled in too many directions at once.”
“Which is why I didn’t say anything,” Ben said. “I wanted to give you a chance to calm down from what happened with Lo today. Then you showed me that whiteboard and I realized…”
“Realized what?”
“How much it all means to you,” Ben said. “That case. This case. Every case. I can see your heart, Allie Down. I know you know this already, but a good part of that heart of yours belongs in that apartment. There’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve said it before to me that Lo had a couple more years and then she’ll be on her own.”
“So you’re suggesting in the meantime I just let everyone kidnap little girls, or traffic them. Or I let people murder each other. Chop off their hands. You know, just go do what you want.”
Ben laughed. “There it is. Allie Down takes on the world.” He gently touched my shoulders. “You don’t have to do that. The world’s problems aren’t yours to take on.”
I pursed my lips tight.
I didn’t like Ben standing up to me. Not at all.
Even when he offered me that charm-filled smile that used to mend my hurting heart.
“I care about you,” he said. “I’m always going to be in your corner. And I promise, first thing tomorrow morning we will get all the information together and look at this case. In the off chance nobody finds anything… we will. Because you’re Detective Allie Down.”
“I’m going to think about this all night,” I said.
“Then I might as well come up there with you. We can drink tea and talk about severed hands.”
“You’re just looking for a cheap excuse to spend the night.”
“Is that wrong?”
“No,” I said. I moved closer to Ben and up to my toes to kiss his cheek. “But find a better excuse. Goodnight, Ben.”
“Goodnight, Allie Down.”
I backed away and he got into his car.
We were still at that stage in our relationship where spending the night wasn’t a given. That was good. It kept both of us on our toes. Separation wasn’t always a bad thing. And I was going to see Ben in a few hours at the station.
Even still, as he drove away, I took a deep breath and felt alone.
I missed him.
I missed the whiteboard.
I looked around.
There was a part of me that missed the city too.
It was always busy and it was just me.
But I wouldn’t trade what I had now for anything.
I went back into the apartment and locked the door.
I looked at my hands.
When I tried to picture one of my hands missing, my stomach did a flip.
I could never truly understand the mind of a murderer.
I could only just stop them from hurting more people.
Chapter Sixteen
I put two cups of coffee on the table for Lo and me then waited for her.
My nerves were jittery, begging for me to get to the station. This was a moment where my priorities took shape, meaning Lo was first. I’d eventually get to the station and get all the information on the murdered woman (and her missing hand).
Lo emerged from the bathroom, dressed, looking like a beautiful young woman, shuffling her feet to the table with the same morning teenage scowl I had grown to love about her.
“I want to talk to you,” I said.
“You mean me and my new friend,” she said.
“What?”
She pointed to her right eyebrow. “Can’t you see it? The pimple that’s taken up three acres of real estate on my face?”
I smiled. “I’m sorry, Lo. You’ll survive this crisis.”
“I hope so,” she said. “I have to see Trevor. And now I have this growth on my face.”
“Let me just say something,” I said. “If Trevor even dares to-”
“I’m joking,” Lo said. “Trevor would never dump me over a pimple. Do you think I’d stand for that?”
“I hope not.”
“Never.” She lifted her coffee mug off the table and sipped it. “What did you want to talk about?”
“Come with me,” I said.
I walked her to the pantry closet and opened the door a few inches.
I watched her hesitate, so I grabbed her hand.
“I promise, it’s good,” I whispered.
When I opened the pantry closet, I smiled and let out a ta-da! sound which wasn’t exactly warranted.
“Do you see?” I asked. “Or not see?”
“I get it.”
“I got rid of that whiteboard, Lo.”
“I know. I see.”
“I’m really sorry about that, Lo,” I said. “I’m mad at myself for what happened. You should have never seen it. You should have never had to live through those memories. I should have never brought that into this apartment.”
Lo slowly nodded. “So where it is?”
“The whiteboard?”
“Yeah.”
“Ben took it,” I said. “He’s going to hide it somewhere.”
“Hide it?”
“I don’t like losing the information. It could come in handy.”
“You think it’s still… happening?”
I swallowed hard. Shoot. “Lo, let’s just have this moment. I want you to know that I love you and respect you.”
“Okay. I kind of need to talk to you about something too.”
Lo wandered toward the dining room table.
I shut the pantry door and followed.
My mind still went to the worst-case scenarios in life with her.
Drugs? Dropping out of school? Pregnant?
“We should think about moving out of here,” Lo said.
I stopped mid-step. “What?”
Lo spun around. “I know why we moved in here, Allie. This place has served its purpose. Maybe it’s time to leave.”
“Where is this coming from?”
“Dr. Deb and I were talking about it.”
“About leaving here?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Lo said. “This isn’t our home. It’s never going to be our home. There’s sometimes I feel okay here. But I never feel…”
“At home,” I said.
“Right.”
I looked around. “It’s a bit cramped
in here.”
“More than that. You deserve space.”
“Me?” I asked.
“I got scared when I saw that whiteboard,” Lo said. “But I know that’s your job. You have to look into things and face things that are terrifying. I respect that. At the same time, it’s not my job.”
“Of course not,” I said.
“But you shouldn’t have to get rid of that stuff,” Lo said. “If we had a bigger place, we could have more rooms. Duh. You could have a spot for your work.”
“That’s really mature of you to say,” I said. “You do not have to think or worry about me, Lo.”
“You know this isn’t a forever place,” she said.
“I know.”
“We’ve never talked about moving.”
“I know that too.”
“Why?”
“Truthfully, I was leaving it up to you.”
“So here I am then. Having the conversation with you.”
I took a deep breath. Lo seemed like she went from sixteen to thirty-six in all of ten seconds.
I nodded. “Okay. Let’s think it out then. Where do you want to go? I would assume you want to stay in Sandemor to finish high school.”
“Well… don’t you already own a house?”
My heart sank a little. “Oh. Right. You’re talking about moving back home.”
“See? You just called it home. That’s what it is.”
“You tell me what you’re thinking then,” I said. “If we’re being adults here, Lo, the house could be sold. It could become an important memory of your life. I can then buy a new house and start new memories. Or we can move into the house… if you’re comfortable there.”
“It’s going to suck,” Lo said. Her voice was strong and proud. “It’s going to really suck. But I should face it all. Dr. Deb thinks so. In a way, we’re both just hiding here. In this apartment.”
“I agree.”
“So if we move, everything opens up. There’s no more hiding. I know you and Ben are close. I know you like him. It’s obvious he’s in love with you.”
“Whoa, Lo,” I said. I waved my hands. “Don’t throw that word around.”
“Sure,” Lo said with a grin.
I took a deep breath. “Wow. This was… this was deep. Thank you for talking to me, Lo. I mean it. If this is something you’re serious about, let’s keep talking about it. Let’s weigh all our options and look around. We can even look at other houses just for fun. Or we can go to the old house and sleep there for a night or two and see what it’s like.”
“I’d like that,” Lo said.
“There’s just one small problem.”
“Which is?”
“I think you and I… we’re not alone anymore, Lo. It’s not just the two of us. If we leave, we’re going to be leaving someone behind…”
Lo opened her mouth with a confused look on her face.
Right on cue, the front door to the apartment opened.
And the third member of our little family came inside.
Miss Kesslier.
Chapter Seventeen
Miss Kesslier had a pan of freshly baked, homemade cinnamon rolls.
I looked at Lo and we both smiled at the same time.
It was a bit of a running joke between the three of us and the cinnamon rolls.
That was just Miss Kesslier. Once she knew Lo liked something of hers, she kept giving it. Anything to make Lo smile. And for Lo’s sake, even if she was a little bit sick and tired of the cinnamon rolls, she always ate at least one. Because Miss Kesslier made the cinnamon rolls for herself as much as she did for us.
I reached for the pan and Miss Kesslier swatted my hand away. “Not for you, Allie.”
I put my hands up and stepped back. “Good morning to you too.”
“These are for Lo,” Miss Kesslier said.
“She likes me more than you,” Lo said.
“Oh, no, don’t put me in that position,” Miss Kesslier said. “I just know you need a real breakfast to start your day.”
“My day of… what?” Lo asked.
“We’re not going to joke about this yet,” I said.
“Yet?” Lo asked. “But at some point, we will?”
“When you’re forty,” I said.
“I’ll be gone by then,” Miss Kesslier said. “I’ll miss out.”
“You’re living forever,” I said.
Lo took one of the cinnamon rolls and frowned. “I’m going to miss these. I’m going to miss everything, actually.”
“Miss everything?” Miss Kesslier asked.
Lo nodded. “Nothing lasts forever. Right? I mean, we have to be honest with ourselves here. There’s going to come a day when these cinnamons rolls aren’t here. That’s kind of silly to say, but it’s the truth.”
“Of course it’s the truth,” Miss Kesslier said. “But… it’s why we appreciate what we have right now. In the moment. This second. The next one. You can’t live in the past. But you also can’t try to live in the future. It’s a balance, Lo.”
“Kind of like these cinnamon rolls,” she said. “I have to balance how many to eat.”
“Oh, stop it,” Miss Kesslier said. “You’re young and perfect. Eat.”
Lo giggled, took her coffee and cinnamon roll and went to her room.
I watched her as she walked away.
“That was a deep conversation to have,” I said.
“Seemed that way,” Miss Kesslier said.
“She’s growing up. More each day it seems. That’s such a motherly thing to say.”
“It’s the truth. At her age? Everything is its own experience.”
“Yeah, it is. Ben took the whiteboard away last night. I can’t have that thing here and have it scaring Lo.”
“You’re good to her, Allie,” Miss Kesslier said. “She’s going to become an amazing woman because of you.”
I looked at Miss Kesslier.
I didn’t have it in my heart to tell her about Lo wanting to move out of the apartment.
Part of me really thought about asking Miss Kesslier to come with us. If we moved into Alex’s house, there was plenty of room for her. She’d have a nice size house to live in. A big kitchen. The backyard was a great spot for a morning coffee or late night drink.
“You look like you have a lot on your mind,” Miss Kesslier said.
I took a deep breath. “I always do. Last night… after we loaded up the whiteboard into Ben’s car, he got a call about a new case. We aren’t exactly working on it just yet. That’s been on my mind. The distraction helps.”
“Distraction from…?”
“A little bit of everything.”
“Let me take a stab at this,” Miss Kesslier said. “You really want to find the guy who set everything up that resulted in what happened with Lo and you. Lo wants to move forward, and she is. Giving up that whiteboard is like you giving up on the case. You don’t give up. You stay busy. So having a new case to focus on, that gives you an excuse to forget the old one. And on top of that, you know you care a lot about Ben. This isn’t just two people dating casually. This is years of feelings surfacing that you two are trying to work through. Or maybe it’s just you building it all up so much in your mind, you have yourself confused when you don’t need to be confused.”
Miss Kesslier reached for the cinnamon rolls.
I reached for her hand and stopped her.
She slowly grinned and nodded.
I hugged her.
I shut my eyes and hugged her tight.
She hugged me back.
“So I hit the nail on the head there,” she said.
“Yeah,” I said as I continued to hug her. “Now what do I do?”
“Exactly what I told Lo. Be present. That’s all that matters right now. The present.”
I heard Lo’s bedroom door squeak as she opened it.
I looked at her and waved my left hand. “Get in here, Lo. Family hug.”
“You heard your aunt,” Miss Kes
slier said. “Get in here.”
Lo joined our group hug.
We all laughed.
We squeezed each other tight.
This was really it. This was family. This was what we had.
Lo finally broke up the hug. “Okay. That’s enough. I came out for another cinnamon roll.”
“Oh, they’re still that good?” Miss Kesslier asked.
“Of course they are,” Lo said.
“Hey, I’ll be in touch today,” Miss Kesslier said. “I have to do a little cleaning and I could use your help.”
“Cleaning?” Lo asked.
“Yes,” Miss Kesslier said. “You got your butt kicked out of school for a day or two. You’re not going to sit around and do nothing.”
“She’s right,” I said. “You took your cinnamon roll and ran off before we could talk.”
“So I’m being punished.”
“Hanging out with me isn’t punishment,” Miss Kesslier said. “Right?”
Lo slowly smiled. “I guess not. Let me know what you need.”
“Lo,” I said. “I’m getting ready to leave. Have a good day, okay?”
“I always do,” she said.
She waved as she walked away again.
“Thanks for your help,” I said.
“No need to thank me,” Miss Kesslier said. “I’ll keep her busy. I understand what she’s going through. It’s tough making that call to punish them or not. At least this… you know it’ll be me and her sitting at the kitchen table, drinking tea.”
“I know,” I said. “And it’ll be one of those moments that shape her life. Which is why we’re so lucky to have you.”
Miss Kesslier beamed.
My phone started to ring.
It was Ben.
“Is this a good morning call or something else?” I asked.
“Both,” Ben said. “Good morning, Allie Down. I love hearing your voice in the morning. Wish I was hearing it in person.”
I laughed. “Are you trying to flirt with me over the phone?”
“A little,” he said. “I also wanted to see where you were. We have a murder to solve.”
I swallowed hard and nodded.
The smell of the cinnamon rolls lingered in the air. I could still smell Miss Kesslier’s perfume from her hug. The love and family feeling that was just a minute ago was now put on the shelf.